Why do breakups hit harder when you have carried more neediness from the start?

[French Flow]

I’ve been reflecting on this lately and wanted to hear from people who might relate.

I lost my mom at an early age, and looking back now with some therapy behind me, I realize that shaped a lot of how I related to women. Psychologists would probably call it “attachment needs” . But for me, it just meant I was too needy. I looked for the love I lost in places where a partner could never really replace it.

That neediness ended up killing my first serious relationship. When she left, I spiraled and had to go into therapy just to process everything. Even after that, it took me almost two years to lose my virginity, because every time I tried to get close to someone new, the pressure and overthinking would paralyze me.

Since then, I’ve been working on myself step by step. Partly on my own, partly with some guidance from someone more experienced who helped me see blind spots I couldn’t catch alone. After a year It hasn’t been a straight line, but it has been a very practical approach. I feel like I’m slowly finding healthier ways to connect. As well as having an abundance of dating  options that's often honestly a bit overwhelming. 

What I’m still curious about is this: why do breakups feel so much heavier when you have that history of loss or neediness? Is it just unresolved trauma replaying itself, or do you think it’s something else?

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who went through something similar. Sometimes the most helpful insights come from people who’ve been there themselves, not just theory. I'm starting to be fully convinced that a lot of issues we faced in our romantic lives could be solved by having more options, more choice, the luxury to be able to pick the perfect partner. That's how I feel. Just curious to see if I can be proven wrong. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, French Flow said:

I’ve been reflecting on this lately and wanted to hear from people who might relate.

I lost my mom at an early age, and looking back now with some therapy behind me, I realize that shaped a lot of how I related to women. Psychologists would probably call it “attachment needs” . But for me, it just meant I was too needy. I looked for the love I lost in places where a partner could never really replace it.

That neediness ended up killing my first serious relationship. When she left, I spiraled and had to go into therapy just to process everything. Even after that, it took me almost two years to lose my virginity, because every time I tried to get close to someone new, the pressure and overthinking would paralyze me.

Since then, I’ve been working on myself step by step. Partly on my own, partly with some guidance from someone more experienced who helped me see blind spots I couldn’t catch alone. After a year It hasn’t been a straight line, but it has been a very practical approach. I feel like I’m slowly finding healthier ways to connect. As well as having an abundance of dating  options that's often honestly a bit overwhelming. 

What I’m still curious about is this: why do breakups feel so much heavier when you have that history of loss or neediness? Is it just unresolved trauma replaying itself, or do you think it’s something else?

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who went through something similar. Sometimes the most helpful insights come from people who’ve been there themselves, not just theory. I'm starting to be fully convinced that a lot of issues we faced in our romantic lives could be solved by having more options, more choice, the luxury to be able to pick the perfect partner. That's how I feel. Just curious to see if I can be proven wrong. 

Hi French Flow!

I have been on the opposite end and also in your shoes.

I had a relationship with a man (I am a woman) for four years (that also lost his mother at a young age) and he was needy. Not in a possessive, jealous or controlling way, in fact he was just the opposite, but he was needy in terms of whether or not I loved him as much. Eventually we broke up ---> I broke up with him.

He would reach out throughout the years saying I was the love of his life.

I think it boils down to the way unresolved grief and attachment wounds quietly shapes the dynamics of love. Almost as if the intensity we bring into relationships is not just being about the person in front of us—but it’s about the ghosts behind us. 

My mother lost both her parents within a few years of each other and at a very young age and she was highly needy for most of her life.

I was needy in one relationship only towards the end of it and it was a relationship that hit the hardest for me. I think it's because towards the end, I acted so needy. It was like I was grasping for something I couldn’t name—validation, reassurance, something.

Also, don't forget, that part of that neediness is because you may be more into the other person than they are. When you’re more emotionally invested than the other person, every small shift in their attention feels seismic.

Sometimes we confuse intensity with intimacy. We think the more we feel, the deeper the connection. But that isn't so.... but, maybe rings true for you.

Edited September 6 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

Breakups are harder when you are emotionally needy, because being overly emotionally needy is not a healthy and balanced state of being, and it's a very unhealthy way to approach a relationship.  No partner can ever fulfill that neediness that you feel.  It's something you need to work on before you get into a relationship.  You'll never be able to have a healthy relationship or handle a breakup well until you get your insecurity and attachment issues under control.

[Sanch62]

I think of neediness as a state of longing. That's already painful. If you add a breakup to that, of course, it amplifies that pain.

[Gaeta]

On 9/5/2025 at 2:25 PM, French Flow said:

I'm starting to be fully convinced that a lot of issues we faced in our romantic lives could be solved by having more options, more choice, the luxury to be able to pick the perfect partner. That's how I feel. Just curious to see if I can be proven wrong. 

What do you mean by having more options, more choices? Luxury to pick? We don't pick a partner. Couples have to pick each other. And for couples to pick each others there has to be a certain chemistry, attraction, compatibility. 

I think our dating problems often come from within ourselves and not because we need more choices and options.   Often we start dating people even if we know there are some dealbreakers present. That's not a 'them' problem, it's an 'us' problem. 

As for being needy.  I am very sorry you've lost your mom when you were young. It's a terrible tragedy and tragedies affect people in different ways. This trauma made you needy maybe because you have a predisposition to neediness because other people who have had the same tragedy ended up being affected a different way. I am thinking of my adopted daughter, her father died when she was 9, and her mother abandonned her she was 13. She did not become needy, she became unable of 'attachment'. In her head she thought if she does not get attached to anyone ever again then she would not experience the pain of abandonnement again. It took me about 3 years of repeating to her, with words and actions, that I was not going to abandon her...ever. She's a young adult of 21 now. She is able to grow attached, she's able to express her feelings of attachment, she's not afraid of being abandonned anymore. 

If we had not done all that work on her abandonment issues she would not have been able to enter a healthy relationship. You need to continue this work on yourself, and all this neediness may  not only come from your mother's death, it may also have to do with your family dynamic after she passed, did you feel abandon by the rest of the family, the state of family nowadays, no motherly figure when you grew up, etc. 

Edited September 8 by Gaeta

[Gebidozo]

On 9/6/2025 at 2:25 AM, French Flow said:

I'm starting to be fully convinced that a lot of issues we faced in our romantic lives could be solved by having more options, more choice, the luxury to be able to pick the perfect partner.

Unless you’re stuck in a country with highly conservative, oppressive traditions (practicing arranged marriages etc.), the opposite is more likely to be true.

We have a lot of choice today, way more than the generations before us, mainly due to the incredible ease of contacting and getting to know people available via the internet, and not the least the weakening of stigmas associated with divorcing, separating, staying single, not having children, etc.

There are many options, and that’s precisely why more breakups happen. People know that they don’t have to settle for someone simply because they won’t be able to find anyone else.

The apparent luxury of being able to pick the perfect partner turns against us when we realize that we aren’t the perfect partner that other people are looking for.

So, if anything, the options and the choices and the luxuries of modern dating serve to highlight our imperfections, compelling us to work on ourselves to become the best version of ourselves.

When I was younger I had a very conservative approach to dating, which stemmed from my insecurities, my fear of abandonment, my neediness, and the subsequent desire to control the partner, preventing her from leaving me.

When my ex left me after seven years, I was initially flabbergasted, but today I realize it was a blessing in disguise. If we had been living in a highly conservative country or many decades ago, she probably would have felt that she was “stuck” with me and stayed with me for the wrong reason. I wouldn’t have been able to learn from my mistakes and grow as a person.

Edited September 8 by Gebidozo