Realized I was in an emotional affair, how do I seek forgiveness

[totalidiot]

Hi,

 

I'm a MM for 2.5 years, 31 years old and just realized that I was having an emotional affair with my colleague/friend. As the usual story goes, it started out as innocent emails, SMS, lunches and doing fun stuff togther and the like. It also doesn't help that my wife is not living in the same country that I am since she is studying for her graduate degree. We normally hangout with the same group, mostly single women, even though I'm married and the group has accepted me as a "cool/safe" guy to hang out with.

 

The OW and I have just realized how emotionally attached we are to each other only this past week after I sent her a poem about how I felt about her. We normally joke around in the office during really boring meetings and I ask her to give me a topic so that I can write a poem during that boring meeting. She jokingly gave me the topic "The Perfect Woman". What I thought was a harmless yet emotionally honest poem, eventually had the effect of her recognizing and revealing her emotional attachment to me and the realization for both of us that this romantic/emotional attachment cannot be fully realized since I was married.

 

I have to honestly admit that I didn't see this emotional attachment/affair coming and neither did she. We felt totally safe and comfortable with each other. We could talk about our problems and hangout together with the group and also by ourselves. It was like finding a childhood friend that you can share your little secrets with and feel totally secure. We had so much in common and operated on the same wavelength.

 

When we discovered how we both felt about it each other, we talked about it and she suggested that we deal with it by ending this emotional attachment by cutting all calls, "cutesy" emails, SMS, and references to the past that may bring fond memories since we've experienced a lot of fun stuff together. At first, I was in denial that I was not doing anything wrong since there was nothing sexual about it. I was going and still is going through a withdrawal stage not being able to call, send SMS, and even just funny smartass emails that we both loved and shared. After reading though about emotional affairs/infidelity though, I realize that although for a man, he can basically separate and rationalize that having an emotional affair/attachment with another woman is acceptable while sexual affairs with another woman is basically wrong. For the woman though, please correct me if I'm wrong, emotional affairs/attraction may lead to sexual attraction and since that sexual attraction cannot be fully realized with a MM without having a sexual affair, it can lead to a lot of pain and hurt.

 

I know my wife does not suspect anything about this emotional affair but I intend to seek her forgiveness at the right time.

 

I would like to ask for your advice though as to how to seek forgiveness from the OW. I fully realized that although we both had a part in this emotional affair. I should have seen it coming and take responsibility and could have stopped it before it caused her pain. I really care for this OW as the "best of best friends" I've ever made my life and I cannot stand the fact that I have caused her so much pain and that I might lose her for good because of my stupidity and carelessness. If I could only turn back time, I would guard this friendship with utmost care since I really cared for her as a friend.

 

She was the stronger one in that she was the one who advised that we end this emotional affair and I deeply respect her for it. At first, I was in denial and thought that we could keep things the way they were, before the poem. But now, things were different, we both know how we feel for each other and that this feeling could not be fully realized because of my situation. I do know she is hurting as much or even more than I am since we see each other at work and that although she is being strong, I can tell that she has been crying at night. I really hope that she forgives me. She will be leaving my company in 6 weeks time since her stint will be over going back to her country.

 

I try to talk to her and ask for forgiveness but she just shuts me out. I'm not surprised that she does after what I've done to her. What

should I do? What can I do? Or is there anything that I should do? Should I just let things go and let time heal the hurt and the pain I've caused? Should I make amends and try to establish a different level of relationship and pretend nothing special happened between us in the past? Should I do nothing and completely stay away from her at work? I could surely use your advice.

 

Thanks much.

[EMJ]

Stop with the begging for forgiveness. It does not matter. You got in over your head and are trying to get over it. That's what's important.

 

Why would you ever tell your wife about this unless you are trying to hurt her? You made a mistake. So What? Eveyone makes mistakes. No good could come from this and it would destroy the trust. It does not make any sense.

 

You will not remove your guilty feelings by dumping them on someone else, it will only make things worse, guarranteed. Married people should never be spending time with alone with single or even other married people. It's dangerous and very few people are immune to it. Especially if the spouse is miles away, it's like playing with fire.

 

You cannot go backwards and you CANNOT be friends with this OW. Does not look like she even wants that. You crossed the line. It's too late. You cannot be friends with someone you are strongly attracted to-it never, ever, works out well.

 

Stop going around in circles trying to rationalize things. This is not rational. It's 100% emotional and you can NEVER reason with emotion. The OW is shutting you out because she's trying to put this behind her an move on. The door IS shut. She sounds very mature.

 

You can't put one foot in the door and try to be "friends" it never works that way. Leave her alone. Work on your marriage and don't hurt anyone else. It's the only grown up and responsible thing to do. It's OVER. Keep moving. Good luck.

[beentheredonethat2]

Ok to respond, I first need to know how long this "emotional affair" went on? This is one of the most hurtful things you could do to a woman, especially if it has gone on a long time. She'd probably get over you having a one-night stand easier. For a woman there is nothing more traumatic than your mate sharing intimate feelings with another, because it's so hard to find someone you can do that with.

 

Remember the old addage: Women need to feel emotionally secure to have sex? Well you're jeapordizing not only your access to sex with her, but her trust--leading to major conflict in your relationship.

 

I appreciate that you see this as emotional infidelity, just the amount of damage depends on how long this has gone on. Being a work relationship even makes it harder because now there are trust issues with work (assuming you're honest with your wife) and work is something we all have to do, right?

[beentheredonethat2]

Just so you don't think I'm just pulling this out of my you-know-what, here's what happened to me. I would be the equivalent of your wife. My bf kept going to his ex over and over for emotional support and advice in secret, although they talked about me it didn't matter. It was still horrible to me. This went on for months until I found out, and even then it continued for another three.

 

I always felt on guard and that I couldn't trust what he really said, because he never actually admitted it to me, I had to find out on my own--HORRIBLY DEVASTATING. He would demean the whole arrangement with his ex by claiming, when she'd call the house and i was there, by telling me "She's just an old lady I help out."

 

We've never gotten over this. Ever.

 

Maybe it would have been different if he came clean after just a month or so, and admitted who she really was, and his intent with her. But to me it didn't matter whether they discussed our relationship or whether it was non-sexual, it was DEVASTATING. I've said that twice now, maybe you get the point.

 

Same thing happened in a relationship before this one, except this ex girlfriend worked with him, so I could not trust him at work or in any way. He never told me either. I found out through an email she sent talking about how she "imagines leaving her husband and walking down the aisle with you". Sick. He loved me and ended all communication, but we never repaired the trust that was lost, not even after 3 years. And it became too much to bear for him emotionally because he had spent 2 and 3/4 years trying to make it up to me, with no real progress.

 

I think back on both relationships, and the one where he showed real remorse and immediately ended it I can have tolerant feelings of today. However, the actual chance that we would have recovered probably depended on whether he had the balls to actually tell me himself AND end it and show remorse.

 

Does this help?

[lilmoma1973]

 

The fact that you stopped it before it went any further is the best you could have done!! You saved everyone pain and heartache.. You two was getting something you wasn't getting from your spouses ,doesn't say it was right !! The best thing i can say is focus more on your spouse and not affair and get counseling to salvage the marriage ..You need to get that emotional connection back with your spouse or you will do it again with someone else. This other person was meeting the needs and spouse wasn't!! Get to counseling.. Good luck

[sylviaguardian]

I can only applaud you and the OW for the being one of the few people I have read about on this site who have 'done the right thing'. You made a mistake but you've taken steps to end it. Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up and put that effort into your marriage instead.

 

As for feeling guilty about the OW...well, you are both grown-ups. Any interaction takes two and she had the grace to bow out. I would let her lick her wounds in peace now. There is nothing you can do to change the situation.

 

One last word: I would think long and hard about telling your wife. I am not sure that you fully appreciate the effect that it is going to have on her. Have you ever had the feeling that your whole world has been blown apart? Cause that's what it will do to her.

 

Take your time and think it through. You have done the right thing. Time to walk away now and I mean mentally as well as physically.

[whichwayisup]

You don't need to seek forgiveness from the OW, you need to forgive yourself. The OW is a grown woman, she knew you were married and yes, it takes two to tango - But she allowed feelings to grow. I'm sure the intent wasn't there, but she the score, as did you.

 

So it was just emotional, nothing physical ever happened? No kisses, cuddling, hugging, holding hands? Just asking, that's all.

 

Ofcourse it will take time to let go and get over the feelings, but you've done the right thing. It's not fair to you, her and especially your wife. (Is this woman married too? If so, not fair to her husband or boyfriend if she has one.)

 

How often do you get to see your wife? How often do you two talk on the phone? The distance between you two is affecting the marriage, I'm sure she's lonely too but maybe it's time for you to fill up those lonely moments with men friends. It's too easy for a situation, just like the one you're in, to happen.

 

Somehow you and your wife need to be together more. IF that means saving money and flying out to where she is, or she flies to you, do it! Focus that energy into your wife and marriage.

 

The other thing is, your wife has to come first in every way. I understand you feel bad and don't want to hurt the OW, but your wifes feelings come first. What she thinks/feels should be more important than the OW. And your OW should understand that, not take it personally. I mean, you took vows to your wife, not the OW.

[EMJ]

Your situation is somewhat different than the one descibed previously. Your wife is away and it leaves a void. You weren't hiding and lying, you thought you could handle it.

 

You need to emotionally reconnect with your wife right away. You being physically separated this early in your marriage is obviously not helping. Hanging out with a bunch of single women?? That's not safe or smart. Don't kid yourself, people aren't as evolved as you might think. The only safe man hanging out with a bunch of single women is a gay man. I'm not being flippant.

 

People who say they want "complete honesty" aren't usually prepared with that really means. Being married does not mean your partner owns your every thought and emotion. I can only see your confession as the first step towards divorce. You stepped out emoitionally, it's not easy to trust after that happens. Even if you totally regret it.

 

By the way, if you don't know it, graduate school is a very intense experience. It's small, focused, and intense like a small private club. When I was in graduate school it was mostly single women and the few married couples who had spouses and the partners felt completely left out. Even though we invited and included them in everything, they just weren't living the same experience that we were all day, every day. There were four married couples in our little circle. Within a few years of graduation ALL of them were divorced. And No, they weren't cheating with any of us, it was the experience of graduate school that separated them. They would admit it in a minute.

 

Coincidence? I doubt it. The experience changes people. In as little as two years. They didn't have as much in common with their spouses when it was over. Being away from your wife while she's living this huge growing experience is not good for your marriage. How do you stay together if you are growing in diffrent directions? While you were getting cozy with this colleague, what's been going on with your wife? Are you staying close? Talking on the phone all the time? Your colleague clearly filled some emotional void.

 

Think about it. If you want your marriage, just put this behind you and reconnect with your wife right away. Don't make things worse by spilling your guts. It will not help and is likely to push her further away. Best of Luck.

[whichwayisup]

Excellent advice E! I actually do agree, you shouldn't tell your wife, just because of the circumstances. Plus, (not saying this is happening) what if your wife met some guy she's friendly with too? Not sexually, just emotionally attached? How are you going to feel? Would you want to know or would you be understanding because of the distance and loneliness? Just wondering.

 

The only safe man hanging out with a bunch of single women is a gay man. I'm not being flippant.

 

Sexually ofcourse it's safe...But, the emotional side can still come into play. Gay or not.

[EMJ]

Your situation is somewhat different than the one descibed previously. Your wife is away and it leaves a void. You weren't hiding and lying, you thought you could handle it.

 

You need to emotionally reconnect with your wife right away. You being physically separated this early in your marriage is obviously not helping. Hanging out with a bunch of single women?? That's not safe or smart. Don't kid yourself, people aren't as evolved as you might think. The only safe man with a hanging bunch of single women is a gay man. I'm not being flippant.

 

People who say they want "complete honesty" aren't usually prepared with that really means. Being married does not mean your partner owns your every thought and emotion. I can only see your confession as the first step towards divorce. You stepped out emoitionally, it's not easy to trust after that happens. Even if you totally regret it.

 

By the way, if you don't know it, graduate school is a very intense experience. It's small, focused, and intense like a small private club. When I was in graduate school it was mostly single women and the few married couples who had spouses who felt completely left out. Even though we invited and included them in everything, they just weren't living the same experience that we were all day, every day. There were four married couples in our little circle. Within a few years of graduation ALL of them were divorced.

 

Coincidence? I doubt it. The experience changes people. In as little as tow years. They don't have as much in common with their spouses when it's over. Being away from your wife while she's living this huge growing experience is not good for your marriage. How do you stay together if you are growing in diffrent directions? While you are getting cozy with this colleague, what's going on with your wife? Are you staying close? Talking on the phone all the time? Your colleague clearly filled some emotional void.

 

Think about it. If you want your marriage put this behind you and reconect with your wife right away. Don't make things worse by spilling your guts. It will not help and is likely to push her further away. Best of Luck.

[THX2000]

Hi,

 

I'm a MM for 2.5 years, 31 years old and just realized that I was having an emotional affair with my colleague/friend. As the usual story goes, it started out as innocent emails, SMS, lunches and doing fun stuff togther and the like. It also doesn't help that my wife is not living in the same country that I am since she is studying for her graduate degree. We normally hangout with the same group, mostly single women, even though I'm married and the group has accepted me as a "cool/safe" guy to hang out with.

 

The OW and I have just realized how emotionally attached we are to each other only this past week after I sent her a poem about how I felt about her. We normally joke around in the office during really boring meetings and I ask her to give me a topic so that I can write a poem during that boring meeting. She jokingly gave me the topic "The Perfect Woman". What I thought was a harmless yet emotionally honest poem, eventually had the effect of her recognizing and revealing her emotional attachment to me and the realization for both of us that this romantic/emotional attachment cannot be fully realized since I was married.

 

I have to honestly admit that I didn't see this emotional attachment/affair coming and neither did she. We felt totally safe and comfortable with each other. We could talk about our problems and hangout together with the group and also by ourselves. It was like finding a childhood friend that you can share your little secrets with and feel totally secure. We had so much in common and operated on the same wavelength.

 

When we discovered how we both felt about it each other, we talked about it and she suggested that we deal with it by ending this emotional attachment by cutting all calls, "cutesy" emails, SMS, and references to the past that may bring fond memories since we've experienced a lot of fun stuff together. At first, I was in denial that I was not doing anything wrong since there was nothing sexual about it. I was going and still is going through a withdrawal stage not being able to call, send SMS, and even just funny smartass emails that we both loved and shared. After reading though about emotional affairs/infidelity though, I realize that although for a man, he can basically separate and rationalize that having an emotional affair/attachment with another woman is acceptable while sexual affairs with another woman is basically wrong. For the woman though, please correct me if I'm wrong, emotional affairs/attraction may lead to sexual attraction and since that sexual attraction cannot be fully realized with a MM without having a sexual affair, it can lead to a lot of pain and hurt.

 

I know my wife does not suspect anything about this emotional affair but I intend to seek her forgiveness at the right time.

 

I would like to ask for your advice though as to how to seek forgiveness from the OW. I fully realized that although we both had a part in this emotional affair. I should have seen it coming and take responsibility and could have stopped it before it caused her pain. I really care for this OW as the "best of best friends" I've ever made my life and I cannot stand the fact that I have caused her so much pain and that I might lose her for good because of my stupidity and carelessness. If I could only turn back time, I would guard this friendship with utmost care since I really cared for her as a friend.

 

She was the stronger one in that she was the one who advised that we end this emotional affair and I deeply respect her for it. At first, I was in denial and thought that we could keep things the way they were, before the poem. But now, things were different, we both know how we feel for each other and that this feeling could not be fully realized because of my situation. I do know she is hurting as much or even more than I am since we see each other at work and that although she is being strong, I can tell that she has been crying at night. I really hope that she forgives me. She will be leaving my company in 6 weeks time since her stint will be over going back to her country.

 

I try to talk to her and ask for forgiveness but she just shuts me out. I'm not surprised that she does after what I've done to her. What

should I do? What can I do? Or is there anything that I should do? Should I just let things go and let time heal the hurt and the pain I've caused? Should I make amends and try to establish a different level of relationship and pretend nothing special happened between us in the past? Should I do nothing and completely stay away from her at work? I could surely use your advice.

 

Thanks much.

 

Hey dude, I at least have to give you credit for realizing what you are doing is wrong before it really got out of hand. I think you know what you need to do and have done that by ending this before it goes too far.

[Sami_D]

Your wife is away and it leaves a void. You weren't hiding and lying, you thought you could handle it.

 

You need to emotionally reconnect with your wife right away. You being physically separated this early in your marriage is obviously not helping.

 

I agree with this. What happened to you and the OW is natural... everyone needs someone close they can confide in, and you and your wife are far too far apart. Don't beat yourself up.

 

What you need to do is to begin working on your R with your W before you drift too far apart. She does also. I am sure there's been some slippage on both sides?