How do you deal with the friends & family who covered up for a cheater?

[JessB]

Been with my partner for over 10 years.

A while ago I found out he has cheated a number times in our relationship, especially in the first 5 years. After going thru his phone and finding some proof, I also discovered that many of his married male friends knew. They’d go away together on boys trip & visit strip bars, one would bring along mistress girls on the trip & it was kept secret. On top of that, his own brother & sister-in-law were looking for her friends to hook him up with. 

I know that he is responsible, as he kept enlisting them for help but they are grown adults who know better. On one occasion I’d just spent Easter with his family (5 years into our relationship) and we went away on a holiday and she’s messaging him as they were going out when we got back and she’s sending him pictures of a women trying to get her to go so he can hook up… how do I forgive that?

On another occasion, she’s out at a function and sends him photos of a women saying she found him his next wife & his brother approves. 

I chose to try and stay and we’ve been in therapy. He’s extremely remorseful but also at times struggles to deal with his emotions and the fallout his behavior has caused. He has only told his brother & sister-in-law of our issues as I said I wanted nothing to do with them, as instead of helping him they should have put him in his place.

but lately my partner keeps saying they feel “uncomfortable” at some family functions as I ignore them. And asked if I could be nice as it was his fault. Which I know but why would I want anything to do with these people? His brother wants to speak to me but I have like a PTSD from it and am triggered easily and don’t know how to handle it.

We’ve not told the whole family as it’s to protect his older kids & parents as I know his family would fall apart over it. Again, not my problem but I feel I’ve been more than understanding.

how has anyone dealt with the friends & family that knew about the infidelity & either did nothing, or helped cover it up?

I’m torn as my heart wants to try and heal the relationship but my head knows it’s just too much. I’m tired of being the one who has to cave and sacrifice my own sanity all the time. 

[Gebidozo]

Regardless of his friends and family, why would you choose to stay with this creep?

Even a single act of cheating is something an increasing amount of people find impossible to reconcile with, and for a good reason. You can’t be with someone who has knowingly and willingly broken your trust.

But repeated cheating over the course of five years or more? Please love yourself more and break up with that liar and, by extension, his terrible relatives and friends.

[stillafool]

He may have asked his sister-in-law to hook him up with some of her friends and that's why she's doing it.  Also, it is up to your boyfriend to tell them he is not interested in any other women, only you.  Yet you are saying nothing about the way he is cheating on you.  Have you asked him why his friends and family think it's okay to hook him up with other women?  It's because that's what he wants.  Stop blaming them and ask yourself why you are with a man you can't trust to be faithful.

[BreakOnThrough]

Birds of a feather, unless he's willing to cut off all contact with anyone that was complicit, you guys have no hope.  I imagine because it's family, that will never happen, so you are bettter moving on yourself insetad of wasting more time on a hopeless situation.

[flitzanu]

how would you feel if your friends and family know you were cheating on your spouse, and they all told your spouse about it?

would that be ok for them to do that?

[basil67]

I have done the covering up for my friend when she cheated.   It was because her husband was an abuser and we supported any way to get her and the kids out.  The guy she cheated with is now her second husband and they've been together over 20 years.

There are very much two sides to this story.  While I'm not suggesting that you're an abuser, it could be that they would prefer that you're out of the picture.   It may also not be this....but we can only guess based on the life experiences we have

[BaileyB]

That’s just not something that I could forgive and move past - either with my spouse, or his friends and family. I’m sorry, I have absolutely no advice to give. That’s just so blatantly disrespectful… I wouldn’t tolerate these people in my life. Full stop.