I want my wife back

[arandomguy123]

First of all this is completely my fault and I truly accept that. Here is what happened, I was with my partner for 6.5 years, I’m 32 and she is 31, we have a 4.5 year old son who is autistic. I work full time and my partner does not work. Our sex life has been non existent for the past 4 years (I’d estimate about 30 times max) over the years I would try to talk to her about this but I was met with mocking like I was over reacting, she would also get angry sometimes when I’d try to initiate sex. It perked up for a couple of months when we tried again for another baby for obvious reasons but I never felt desired for the last 4 years. Our sex life before our son was born was the stuff of dreams, constantly all over each other and very experimental but she always refused to give oral. The lack of sex over the years was destroying me, my confidence and self worth was so unbelievably low. She would use sex against me aswell, ‘do this and we can have more sex’ or ‘do this and we can have sex tonight’ I was desperate I would have eaten s*** if I had to. She would also make comments to me which put me down, told me once I wasn’t a real man, would always say I was autistic to a point I believed it, point out my grey hairs, made fun of how I walked, would always tell me I looked a meff for how I dressed because my clothes didn’t match, once told me a guy she slept with is more manly in bed than me, just in a normal conversation, that destroyed me and my confidence. I swear I never once said a bad word to her, always told her she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, always told her she has the best body I’ve ever seen. I was always afraid to truly stand up for myself because she dumped me once earlier in the relationship out of the blue and I didn’t hear from her for 3 months and it was the hardest grieving process of my life and I never wanted to go through it again. We got married and a month after the wedding I got oral from a prostitute whilst I was very drunk, it lasted about 10-15 seconds or so and I told her to stop and I walked away, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks, I confessed to my wife a week later, no matter what, she did not deserve me doing that, I know in my heart I’m a better man than that, she kicked me out the house and told me after 2 weeks she can’t see past it and wants to separate, we spoke 2 weeks later and she said she hasn’t changed her mind and wants to stay separated, gave me all my stuff from the house and took my name off the lease, I now live in my dads atm. I’m devastated, I really wanted to work through it because I love her and our family with all of my heart. We never argued or anything aswell btw. We’ve been separated for just over a month now. I’m disgusted with myself, truly, for the act, for allowing myself to behave like that, but most of all for hurting my wife so terribly, I betrayed her trust. I think if we communicated more and I stood up for myself more then we would have had a better relationship because there is love there like at the start. To me it just seems like shame to not try, I wanted a fighting chance. I’m going to therapy to understand myself and what lead me to that sort of behaviour. How do I get my wife back?? 

[Gebidozo]

Why on Earth would you want your wife back?

You made the horrible mistake of marrying an emotional abuser. But it’s over now. She’s gone from your life. Get a divorce as soon as you can.

Be glad that you are in a position to start your recovery. Please find a good therapist. Your self-esteem is devastated right now and you need a lot of mental healing.

[arandomguy123]

Thank you for your reply, my family and friends have told me similar to what you said, honestly I think I want her back because early in the relationship there was so much happiness and love and I want that back with her, not the way it’s been for the last 4 years

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, arandomguy123 said:

Thank you for your reply, my family and friends have told me similar to what you said, honestly I think I want her back because early in the relationship there was so much happiness and love and I want that back with her, not the way it’s been for the last 4 years

But it has been that way for the last 4 years.

You can’t bring back the past. She changed and she treated you very badly. You made a mistake too, you cheated instead of breaking up with her. That relationship doesn’t exist any more, you’re free and can focus on finding a partner who won’t belittle and emotionally abuse you.

[MsJayne]

It's her who needs therapy, not you, she's toxic. She needs a professional diagnosis because anyone who regularly denigrates a partner as a means of maintaining control has something very wrong with them. If she's not interested in you sexually she's either angry at you or she's not attracted to you, either way she owes you an honest explanation for her refusal to be intimate. No need to be eaten up with guilt about your drunken incident, it obviously wasn't your finest moment but it may actually have been a way of getting a bit of drunken revenge because you've put up with a lot of emotional abuse and sexual rejection from her.  I presume you've only recently got married if this has all just happened, and I really can't think why you would want her back. I'd just be looking at property settlement if you have any, and 50/50 shared custody of your son so she has to go and get a job.