Messed up - one mistake is it over

[Anonymous]

So I've messed up in my relationship. Last night I had my fiancés keys to go and grab my stuff out of her car. I put them into my shorts and forgot to hang them back up. I then left for work this morning taking the shorts with me, it's a complicated living arrangement but that's for another time. The keys were still in my pocket and I took them to work with me, I didn't realise as I wasn't wearing the shorts, I wish I had. 

My fiancé had an abusive relationship before and he would take her keys to control her, i would never intentionally but I get how it looks in her eyes. 

She rang me asking where they were as she wanted to take her girls out for the day as soon as I realised they were in my car I drove home from training, an hour away so it wasn't quick for her, and dropped the key back. 

She has since said I'm the same as her ex I want to control her and that she is done. 

I have messaged to apologise and explained that it was a mistake and an accident that I'm sorry happened but she doesn't see that as it stole the last day she had with her daughter before she starts school and she feels like I didn't care and also due to previous doesn't think it was an accident at all. 

I am genuinely devastated that I had them through a stupid mistake that I should have checked and put them back that I might lose the love of my life best friend and best thing that's ever happened to me. 

She's asked for space which I have given her. I want to talk to her but know she probably has to be able to see it as a possible mistake before we can speak about it. 

I hope there's a chance of us keeping this amazing thing we have but know that previous trauma might make that hard for her to see as a mistake.  

[Gebidozo]

If she is unable to trust you that you took her keys by mistake, then she is the one with the problem.

You aren’t her therapist. You can’t walk on eggshells with her simply because she’s had bad relationships in the past.

She needs to stop blaming you for inadvertently triggering her, and deal with her mental issues.

[Anonymous]

I get that. I still feel dreadful I had them and she can't see it as a mistake but she did reply to my goodnight message with a simple night, I wonder if that shows she's softening a little. She's read messages and not replied, they have been an apology, a love and a goodnight, plus a goodluck to her and her daughter this morning, I don't expect a reply to the goodluck as it's her first school morning. 

[flitzanu]

yeah, this is ridiculous.  you accidentally kept the keys, and she's flipping out and blaming you for her issues and comparing you to her ex.

at this point you should want to leave yourself, because that's pretty insulting on her part and she should treat you better.

 

and you say fiancee, as in you're planning to spend your life dealing with this.  what happens if you forget that you have her keys another time and you're married, is she going to divorce you because you accidentally left her keys in your pocket?

Edited Wednesday at 05:43 PM by flitzanu
addendum

[ShyViolet]

If she would end the relationship over something as small as this, then she probably already wanted to end it for other reasons or she is not mentally ready for this relationship.  She's being very irrational.  There's nothing you can really do about it.  You're probably better off without someone like this.

[Acacia98]

OP, she's being unreasonable and unfair to you, and you're being too accommodating of that. That combination is the perfect recipe for an emotionally abusive relationship.

[landlocked]

If you two decide to continue this relationship, it should be under at least the condition that she is in IC to address her trauma. It sounds like she has little control over her trauma response to this particular trigger - but it's likely this isn't the only thing she's still struggling with. 

Even if she's never able to totally control her emotional reactions, she can get to a place where she's able to take responsibility for her triggers. She must be able to do this in order to maintain a healthy relationship (with you or anyone). Managing this trigger could look like having backup sets of keys for herself, taking responsibility for getting her keys back rather than relying on you to remember, etc. Without taking reasonable steps to manage her own needs, she's put all of that responsibility on you in this situation.

I think anyone would be upset if you'd taken their keys when they needed them, but you did try to fix it the moment you realized your mistake. A healthy relationship can weather frustrating and disappointing moments. You'll each mess up and you'll each get angry with each other sometimes. But you can't build a healthy connection under constant fear that a simple mistake will lead to catastrophe. You both deserve emotional safety in this relationship. I don't think it's a lost cause, but you'll both have work ahead of you to lay a healthy foundation that you can build upon.