SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 My b/f broke up with me a week today. He said that we "fight" too much. Iwould agree with that we did fight, however everything we did fight about wasnt major. Its not like he cheated, or I cheated it was always over nothing like were are we going to go for dinner, or what movie we are going to watch. All stupid crap. And now I'm heartbroken and want to call him so bad. What should I do???? I did contact him during the week and he talked to me a little saying that "its not going to work; we tried" I just cant fathom that he gave up that easy. I havent talked to him since Thursday.... Should I call him today???
salmagundi Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 If he broke up with you...and he wants to fix it, it is his job to call you. If you as the 'dumpee' call him, all you're telling him is that he doesnt really need to sweat about thinking about whether he wants you back or not, because you're there waiting anyway. So, hell, he may as well date around first, after all, theres no pressure on him. You will look a little desperate, a little needy. Trust me as a guy, no girl I ever dumped would get me back by chasing after me and calling me. But they would give me a great ego boost and, as I say, take the pressure off me to make up my mind about her. If you really want him back, disappear off his radar. Give him no idea what is going on in your life. Unless you start dating someone. THAT will drive him nuts even if he isnt interested in having you back. Go NC, dont be needy. Don't call. If he decides that he REALLY wants you back there is absolutely nothing on earth that can stop him from contacting you. So if you go NC and he doesnt contact...he doesnt want you back. So you move on. good luck salmagundi
someone_here Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I absolutetly agree with Salmangundi... dont call him ... NC will be good for you . Let him knows that u are perfectly fine without him . dont let him hurt u deeper n deeper. stop it.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Thanks guys....I just miss him so much, and I learned the hard way that I let little things get in the way of it all!! I should of made a compromise in a reasonable manner rather then fight....why was I so dumb!!! I wont contact him like you said...but how long should I wait?? I can't keep telling myself that he might call and want me back that will make it worse for me...
salmagundi Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Honestly, sleepless...you don't 'wait' at all. You go NC, you live your life like you're life still matters even if he's not in it anymore. Obviously, if he's done with your relationship then you're going to hurt for a while. But you go on, right. You're not waiting for him. You're going to grieve, heal and then go looking for the next guy. And if he calls in the meantime, maybe you'll be interested in what he has to say, maybe not. But don't wait by the phone. That's not the woman that him or any other guy wants. They want the woman who lives her life like she doesnt need them. So to reiterate, what you NOT doing is waiting for him to call. Entirely the wrong mindset. What you ARE doing is moving on with your life and seeing if he calls in the meantime. And seeing if you give a s**t when and if he finally does. Yours, salmagundi
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 This is going to suck!!!!! Sometimes I wish I were a kid again, skinned knees are easier fixed than broken hearts. Thank for the help again, I'll keep you posted I might need you to tell me 93247846374612378946 more times not to contact him!!!!!
beangirl46 Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Hi Sleepless, I was in the EXACT same situation as you 3 years ago. My bf wanted to break up because he said we were "fighting." But, the fights were over such small things-- so small that I didn't even really think we were "fighting." Like you, I was shocked he'd want to give up so easily and was heartbroken. So I did something that, in retrospect, I do NOT recommend: I broke all the rules and went into "semi-NC" with him for awhile. (I didn't have a support structure and nobody in my world had been through a similar circumstance-- No one told me that what I was doing was totally bad.) I emailed him once a week with a little email (tried not to make it too long)-- a 1 sentence email on how my week went and what I was up to. Occasionally, over the 2 or 3 month period I did this, he would reply. THEN-- here's the real clincher-- I sent him a small card that said "Just the thought of you. . ." (and then you open it up) "... makes me smile." He immediately emailed me after getting the card with how good it made him feel. (This was 3.5 months after the break-up, mind you.) After getting his reply, I went into NC with him for 3 weeks. He then contacted me after 3 weeks, saying "I haven't heard from you in awhile..." That card I had sent -- timely placed-- basically did the trick. He pursued me for a couple more months, and we eventually ended up forming a steady, committed relationship. But guess what? We just broke up 2 weeks ago. The SAME attitude of his-- this "we are fighting too much" thing-- caused our eventual break up. It also caused some problems during the relationship-- like causing me headaches. Either he has a problem with conflict, doesn't really love me, or has fundamental issues. The Lesson: I should have stayed *completely* NC with him the first time we had broken up. If your bf thinks you two are "fighting too much," even though you can see clearly that you guys are really not, maybe your bf has an underlying problem handling conflicts that will never go away. That was my situation, at least. Good luck to you, and hang in there! -BeanGirl
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Wow Beangirl I;m sorry to hear about you guys breaking up...I'll never understand guys!! NEVER!!! I'm trying so hard not to call him..I called his work phone before because I know he's not there and I just wanted to hear his voice! I'm even watching the football game because I know he is prob watching it too!! I know you guys prob think I'm a little weird but I cant help it!! He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me trust, and love again. You see my last b/f was abusive and at first I was so scared to let him in...but I did slowly...I wish there was a way to show him that I learned my mistakes but the reality of it all there’s not!! And I HATE IT, but yet, through it all I still hold on - holding onto a dream that one day we will be happy together again...I know all of you guys tell me to get over him and move on but its so hard I just wish I would of opened my eyes sooner and saw how he felt maybe there I could of did something about it!!
salmagundi Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 dont worry, sleepless, you're no more post-breakup obsessive than I was when me and my ex(?) split up last month. We all go through this stage when the breakup is fresh and we walk around with this wounded-animal look in our eyes. For at least a few weeks your going to be really fragile, obsessive, emotional and impulsive. This is the most important time to stick absolutely to NC because you're not capable of making decisions...rationally. Which is to say, making decisions you wont regret, like calling your boyfriend, something you will regret immediately afterward. THere is no worse feeling than breaking NC and feeling like an ass. Don't believe me? Go ahead and call him then... Right now you are not in command of your emotions and you can't be with anyone, your ex included until you are. Once you can resist the impulse to call your ex on a stupid pretext then you are on your way to feeling in charge of yourself. At this point you can decide if you really want this guy back, if it is really possible (if you are deluded you will realise once you get some clarity and time to process your breakup), and what you need to do. But seriously, f*ck him...heal up and find somebody else. Shouldn;t be too hard, there are more people in Newyork/New Jersey than in all of Québec... take care. Stay NC salmagundi
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Its harder then you think, today would have been 7months, and since we work in the same building I came into work early not to run into him. Then around 9 now I had to run to a meeting (on the first floor) and bam who do I see on the stairs yup you got it I ran right into him!! I never thought that he would have taken the stairs I thought that he would have taken the elevator since he’s not much of a morning person. Now I’m in my office crying my eyes out.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I Cant Take This I Got No Sleep Last Night And I Have Been Puking Up My Guts The Only Good Thing About This Is That I Lost 5lbs Already Because I Cant Eat Anything.. Someone Anyone Please Tell Me What To Do!!!!!!!!! I Cant Go On Feeling Like This!!!!
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 I still havent heard from him....should I call????
salmagundi Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 OK, this is good, before doing something impulsive like calling him, you check with us first. Impulsion is your enemy. Never EVER do now what you can wait til tomorrow to do (like calling him...don't). Whenever you get that urge to cave and look weak and needy before the guy that dumped you, post here first... Now...why do you want this guy back so bad? How long you been going out for? Whats so great about him? More importantly right now, tell us whats not so great about...you know, like give some reasons why you shouldn't go back even if he wants you. Don't call... salmagundi
UT_longhorn Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 sleepless...its going to be very very tough for the first few weeks, but i promise, it will get better. do not contact him. do not do him that favor. it will not make him want to come back to you. the only thing that will make him want to come back is you not pining for him. go no contact. just think that this is it. dont even give youself hope because that will hurt you more. just move on. do your best. it will be tough...but i promise..it will be more rewarding that contacting him.
RZA-Man Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 DO NOT CALL HIM. Let him come to you. If you want even the slightest chance of getting him back, maintain no contact. Cry, call your friends, and keep posting but do not call him. It will only boost his ego and drive him further away.
Author SLEEPLESS IN NJ Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 Thanks guys this helps me alot!!! More then you know to tell you the truth!! However, He always was a shy guy....even if he wants to call me I dont think he would...we would of been together for 7 months on Jan 16th. I know thats not a long time but in that time I fell hard for him. Salmagundi ~ To answer your questions I want him back because he is trustworthy, honest, open, giving, and understanding (the list goes on) I know you prob think I'm a nut case for loving someone who wont even call me. As for what I dont like about him is that he is so stubborn I think that is what holding him back from calling me but I have no idea..... I cant just say goodbye when my hearts still wants to try...I cant let him just walk out my life and have all this time go by when he's not in my life...
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