Thirteen yr old daughter is sexually active.

[luvtoto]

OH MY GOD!!! I think my 13 yr old daughter is sexually active. I *just* got done reading some MSN IM history between her and boyfriend. I know, huge invasion of privacy. But, how much privacy can you really give a 13yr old girl?? Now, where do I go from here? What approach would be best? I don't want to over dramatize this and make it worse. But at the same time I want to kick her ass!!!!!

 

I was a virgin till I was 19. Is this what 13 yr old kids do????!!!! I AM NEVER LETTING HER OUT OF MY SIGHT AGAIN!!! EVEERRR!!! School functions and that's it. I thought she was my innocent little girl. I am so dissappointed in her. I am dissappointed in myself. I trusted her. Guess that was pretty stupid of me. She will hate me forever if I don't allow her to see him anymore. I always talked with his parents before she went over to his house...thinking they would be supervised. GoD!! I am getting pissed now. So much for depending on them to watch the kids.

 

When my daughter has a boy over...I keep their door open and find excuses to go in her room to monitor them.

 

Should I take her to the doctor??? I have no idea how to handle this. I am in complete shock right now.

[Barby]

Sit her down and let her know it's okay to come to you to talk about sex, protection, her fears, insecurities, ect.

 

I think if you let her know that you know, she'll shut down and become defensive. Also another approach could be...let her know that if she starts out sleeping with someone so young, it's inevitable that her young relationship will end as they both grow and seek new found freedoms, will meet new people and won't want the restrictions of a long term serious relationship.

 

Let her know that it may seem okay now to be with this boy or that, but what will happen when she's 23ish and racked up 10+ partners...?!?!

 

Not saying that will happen, but very likely could.

 

The best way IMHO is to approach her openly so she knows you won't jump her **** if she comes to you.

[RainyDayWoman]

 

 

 

Let her know that it may seem okay now to be with this boy or that, but what will happen when she's 23ish and racked up 10+ partners...?!?!

 

Not saying that will happen, but very likely could.

 

 

that's being just a tad judgmental...

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Should I take her to the doctor???

2. I have no idea how to handle this.

 

1. Yes. She needs a physical and gyno exam if she has started to have sex or sexual interaction.

2. Ask the doctor for advice. I'm sure they see it more often than not.

[luvtoto]

So...my 13 yr old is having sex. There should be no punishment for her?! Just a sit down warm and fuzzy discussion? I feel like ringing her neck! Grounding her till she graduates! Just act like it didn't happen?

 

I will take her to the doctor...I think that will show her the seriousness of this whole ordeal.

 

We are going to spend the day painting her room a pretty pink color. Damn it! She is still my little girl. Ugh.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. So...my 13 yr old is having sex.

2. There should be no punishment for her?!

3. Just a sit down warm and fuzzy discussion?

4. I feel like ringing her neck! Grounding her till she graduates!

5. Just act like it didn't happen?

6. I will take her to the doctor...I think that will show her the seriousness of this whole ordeal.

 

1. Some do. I was sexually active at 13. Didn't have actual intercourse until 15 though. But I did pretty much everything else.

 

2. My parents tried that - and it failed. I kept right on, and just got better at hiding and sneaking around. I remember my stepmother slapping me in the face and calling me a slut and a whore when she found out. I became defiant. My parents lost me at that moment. Permanently. Punishment won't work.

 

However... you can set limits. Limit her time - both computer and curfews (locks on the windows if necessary - I snuck out my window many a time), and monitor what she does/where she goes - involve yourself as much as possible. Be nosy. Snoop. Print out her IM logs you find and share them with her so that she knows that you know and you and she can talk about what you found (with you being gravely disappointed here, and not just really angry - it won't be easy controlling that anger).

 

Know her friends, and do not allow her to have friends that you do not know, or don't know their parents. Involve yourself with the other parents. You are doing this for her own good. I wish I had someone who had been able to encourage me to stop out of love, instead of trying to punish me into stopping out of anger or verbal/physical abuse. That might have worked.

 

3. No warm fuzzies. Grave disappointment with a minimum of anger. Anger will make her defiant. Perhaps disappointment will make her think. Tell her you care about her and want to help her. Make everything you do seem protective and not come across as just punishment. If she fights you, simply keep repeating that regardless of what she says or how angry she is, your primary concern is her health and well being and that you will do your job as a parent to preserve those: even if it means restricting her life in order to better monitor her behavior.

 

4. Understandable! Grounding will work to a certain extent, but you have to give her a minimum of freedom with the understanding that violating that very tiny bit of freedom she has results in an even harsher restriction set. Her time at school should be her free time - since you can't monitor what goes on there and she should be allowed a chaperoned (even if it means you are actually there) event or two (not all or even some, just one or two). If you do not allow that tiny bit of leeway, she'll find ways to violate any grounding or curfew you impose. She has to earn back some trust, and she needs to know that if she messes up once on these bare minimum outings, then those will end too. Under no circumstances should these be seen as privileges or rewards. She needs to know that these are tests, and that you can take them away as easily as you allowed them.

 

5. No! That would be disasterous. Let her know you know. Remind her that you know everything, you'll find out everything and you'll be up in her business constantly while she is restricted until she earns back your trust and she begins to show some personal responsibility.

 

6. This is first and foremost your important thing to do here. It will show her that you are serious and the doctor will take it seriously as well. This will be the first step she takes toward learning what sexual responsibility is and hopefully be able to develop a sense of making better choices for herself. Don't be surprised if the doctor brings up birth control, either. It is not pleasant to consider, but perhaps it will stimulate a discussion between you, your daughter and her doctor.

[luvtoto]

Just got done talking to my daughter. We were both crying. No yelling. I don't know where I got my strength from. She is not having sex. She broke down and told me everything that has been going on. She told me that she got in trouble over at his house for laying on the bed. His parents are monitoring them pretty closely. Thank God!! I asked her about the MSN sexual messages...she told me that they were just joking about it. I noticed after reading it again...that there was a lot of laughter in the messages. It's ok to have curiosity about sex. That's normal. It's not ok to feel or be pressured into having sex. My daughter also told me that there is a girl in her class that is 5 mo. pregnant. She sees what that girl is going through every school day.

Well, can I just say "WHEW!!!"...............

Close call.

She was crying...and she understands that she could get pregnant even if she has protection.

Well, we are going to go spend some quality time together.

[tinktronik]

lovetoto,

 

do you remember being thirteen?If you are confrontational with her it will simply set the tone for the rest of her teenage years as confrontational. She def needs to see a gyno . Get her on birthcontrol, b/c you cant supervise her 24/7 forever and talk to her about condoms. The teenage years are where you begin letting your children make descisions for themselves and they begin making them with or without your approval. Not to say I wouldent be pissed if my thirteen y/o was sexually active , but you should think hard before confronting her in a negative manner. How old is the boyfriend?And why does she have a b/f at thirteen anyway? Can you possibly watch her 24/7 ? Or will she be able to sneak the b/f in or skip school to see him? You can try to demand she not see him, but will that really work?Good luck with this .

[luvtoto]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am feeling more hopefull this afternoon. I had a long, non-confrontational talk today...couldn't help holding back the tears though. She has it branded in her head how much I love her and she seemed to open up to me with only a couple arm twists. Was I wrong to invade her privacy...feelin' kinda guilty.

[slubberdegullion]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am feeling more hopefull this afternoon. I had a long, non-confrontational talk today...couldn't help holding back the tears though. She has it branded in her head how much I love her and she seemed to open up to me with only a couple arm twists. Was I wrong to invade her privacy...feelin' kinda guilty.

I'm VERY glad to hear that it wasn't as bad as you originally thought. I remember being 13 myself - gawd, that was a long freakin time ago! - and just developing my "attitude," so I'm happy to hear that you & she had a good productive discussion.

 

IMHO, I don't think you were wrong to read her MSN log. She's still a minor, so her safety and security is up to you. Now, if she were 18 or 19 that's different, but at 13 she cannot be expected to understand the full ramifications of flirting, a little naughty talk, etc.

 

You dun good, luvtoto! You dun REAL good!

[lilmoma1973]

 

I am so glad she hasn't but that isn't saying she won't.. I too didn't lose my virginity till 19 !! Kids now adays are doing alot more than i was at their age ..My daughter is 6 and very terrified the things i will have to endure at that age as well!! NOT LOOKING FOWARD TO IT.. My ss is 15 and is interested in sex and the body ,he got caught looking at porn .. H had a talk with him and explained if he found out that he and his girl has went futher than kissing that would be the end of them seeing one another.. I feel something has happened but h is indenial ,there are too much about one another..Can't stay away from one another.. My h became a dad at 17 and i hope that my ss doesn't make that mistake as well !! Glad you talk with her and my ss was embarrassed and says he won't do anything like that.. You never know what kids will do when hormones is raging ,just monitor real close and never let them go to movies without being supervised!! We make them sit in the living room with us ,they aren't allowed in his room at all.. Take them to talk with young parents and let them see how it is from their point of view !! Good luck

[Lil Honey]

Luv: I don't think you were wrong to read her computer activity. First, she is underage. You are responsible for her, so you have every right. Second, kids are too trusting and have NO idea what can happen online to what seems to be an innocent exchange with someone else. Even if the Someone Else is a known friend, the info can go anywhere and be in the hands of anyone.

 

I really must say, though, that I'd be very concerned if my daughter was 13 and thinking of sex . . . or should I say . . . joking around about it with a guy as opposed to joking with another girl. Okay, I know things have changed since I was 13, but Jeez I was still hating my periods and didn't want anyone to know about it. LOL

[helena abadi]

Luv: you were not wrong to invade her privacy. considering the sexual nature of the messaging, you would be wise to maintain a very strict vigilance.

 

even joking around doesn't disguise the sexual interest.

 

she is only 13. pretty young to have a boyfriend. my parents would have killed me if i had had a boyfriend at that age, but that was a freakin' long time ago too. LOL. how old is he? is he much older than her? i wouldn't be comfortable about my daughter having any boyfriend at that age. period.

 

i'm glad you and your daughter are still both on the same side. but you are her momma, so don't be afraid to pull rank.

[WoWaddict]

So...my 13 yr old is having sex. There should be no punishment for her?! Just a sit down warm and fuzzy discussion? I feel like ringing her neck! Grounding her till she graduates! Just act like it didn't happen?

 

I will take her to the doctor...I think that will show her the seriousness of this whole ordeal.

 

We are going to spend the day painting her room a pretty pink color. Damn it! She is still my little girl. Ugh.

 

 

I just want to say I'm glad things worked out for the best. I have to say that I am so happy that you talked to her, without yelling and without pulling out your hair (or for that matter, hers). And, it makes me happy to know that there are parents out there who are willing to do this, and it gives me hope that when the time comes, i'll be able to do the same with my own. You sounded kind of frantic in some of your posts, but when the moment of truth came, you kept a level head, and for that I seriously have so much respect for you.

 

But i'm quoting this particular post you made for a reason. It kind of struck a nerve with me, but not necessarily in a bad way. It made me really want to share my story with you, and with the other mothers who are reading and relating to the situation you found yourself in.

 

I am the oldest of 4. My mother is religious and overprotective. I've been sexually active since I was 15. I lost my virginity to the man I am currently engaged to, and he has been the only person I have been with. My mother however, decided that the day I turned 13 that I was sleeping with every boy in town, even though that was far from true (and still is!). She used religion as leverage, and called me every name you could think of. I was not allowed to have any friends that were boys, and she had all my teachers watching my every move and reporting to her on a daily basis. I couldnt hug someone without going home later that day and getting grounded. She turned over everything in my room, and I was not allowed phone conversations that werent secretly monitored, and I had to be in the same room as my parents if it were a boy calling. She would read over my shoulder when I was online. I was not allowed to shave my legs or wear makeup until I was almost 15. I was also not allowed to wear a lot of things, including anything with a V neck. I was allowed to wear skirts of a certain length, but only to school, and I would have to listen to 'You're going to get pregnant and drop out of high school' when I got home.

But at the same time, she was letting my sister, who is three years younger than me, do the things I was not allowed to do, when I wasn't allowed to do them. This continues to this day. She is still allowed to do things and wear things that I would be locked in the house if I attempted at her age, and a lot of times it makes me mad, because I missed out on a lot because of how controlling my mother insisted on being with me.

Because of the way my mother treated me growing up, we never had a relationship where we could talk about anything. When I first had my period at 13, I was literally afraid to tell her. I hid it for just about a year, before she finally found out. When I lost my virginity, I was afraid to tell her. After about a year of being sexually active, I took the mature route and decided condoms weren't enough. I asked to go on birth control, which she refused to let me do, until I demanded it at when I was almost 17 (when I found out that I could buy it without a parent giving permission from a clinic). When my fiance gave me my promise ring, I was afraid to tell her. Even now, I'm afraid to tell her I'm engaged, even though I am almost 19. I don't have a relationship at all with my mother. I'm actually not close at all to my immediate family for that reason and many,many others.(another long story) I am still treated like a child when I go home, which keeps me from visiting.

 

I just want to say, this is not the approach you should be taking. My mother took the restricting and punishment route, and it ended up being prisoner/jail keeper. It messed me up. As I grew up, my self esteem became non-existent, and my views on sex, love, and friendships have been horribly skewed. Thank god my fiance has grown up with me, and witnessed this. He's been more than patient in helping me sort myself out, and get things back into the perspective they should be in. I have to say I am lucky to be with such an amazing caring person, but I still have a long way to go in correcting the problems.

 

I'm not saying dont keep an eye on her, because you should. But dont watch her every move like a hawk UNLESS she undoubtedly gives you reason to (hypothetical, you catch her smoking pot/being high, drunk, or blatantly making out with a guy...and I dont mean a little kiss. There are plenty of others, but I'm sure you can think of some.). Because even though 13 year olds act like they own the world, they need guidance in making the right decisions, and they need to do it for themselves, instead of being forced or scared into it. Thats responsibility, and it will stick with them for the rest of their lives.

I'm saying you should guide her through tough decisions, like sex and drugs. Give her advice without cracking down on her. Allow for open dialogue without punishment, or doing a turn over of her belongings.

She's going to have raging hormones, just like any other teenager, and it will really only intensify as she gets older. Its important for her to understand that these feelings are normal, but it's up to you to teach her to stick to her morals, and learn how to make the right decisions. Help her boost her self esteem! The better she feels about herself, the more likely she'll stick to her guns, and the less likely she'll give into peer pressure.

 

Take a deep breathe, because this is the hardest part. Shes not a little girl anymore. She's well on her way into developing into a wonderful young adult, and then undoubtetly a wonderful woman. I would definetly have to say, that you will see a lot less premature gray hair if you look at your daughter's changes and developments, as a chance to grow and develop with her, but this can really only happen when 'lets talk about how you're feeling/what's going on in your life right now' replaces 'what happened to my little girl'. Unless of course, you're using it to compliment her on how mature she's becoming.

There may come a point where she will want to pull away from you or her father, or maybe even both. But I think that by doing what I suggested, it wont really be a problem. Because honestly if my mother had done that for me, I think that my relationship with her would be better a million times over, and I wouldn't have as many emotional problems as i do today.

 

Although I'm sure by this point, youre probably saying 'you dont have any kids, so you wouldnt know'. To put it nicely, neither one of my parents behaves as a parent should (my mother is addicted to prescription medicines and my father is an alcoholic... they both do other drugs and have always been physically and verbally abusive), and my two youngest siblings are 6 years old. Much of the time spent during my teenage years was spent taking care of them, and I pretty much ended up having nearly all household responsibilities piled onto me. Since I was never allowed to do anything, or go anywhere, I was always conveniently home. This has given me an involuntary taste of parenthood, at an age where most teenagers were out making friends and having fun.

But I just want to say, that I think my age gives me an advantage. I am young enough to remember my early-mid teenage years quite well.... but I also accept that kids are getting exposed to things earlier and earlier. It's not quite as much of a culture shock. But I am also old enough to be able to look back and see the things that have caused me to become the person i am today. But I just want you to know, that I feel I am giving you the best advice I can within my power, and it is coming straight from my personal experiences and my heart.

 

i really wish you the best of luck, as I do all the mothers out there who are reading. Dont let anyone tell you that being a mother isnt hard work!

its a full time job ten-fold