Is this enough for divorce?

[Anonymous]

I have caught my husband  in lies in the past and we’ve done counseling before and tried to move forward. He recently got a vasectomy and during that time we used condoms twice and still have a box in our drawer. He went on a one day trip out of town and I’m sure he took performance enhancement (p.e.) items (honey supplements, body wipes for desensitization) from the drawer but no condoms. After he got back, I noticed a ziplock bag with lube, 2 packs of ‘p.e.’ and a piece of condom wrapper in drawer. I look in that drawer frequently and am 99.9% positive this baggy was not from us as we haven’t taken any trips recently and all p.e was in box last I checked. None of the condoms were missing but I also found 2 packs of p.e. In a book bag he may have taken on trip. We had a talk about this before when I found p.e. In his car and I told him that’s was not acceptable to keep those items in his car (he claimed it was for us). Since his trip, He has been super nice, helpful, and in good mood. Things def feel off from how he had been before. It is so hard to pretend I I haven’t been keeping a close eye and I don’t want him to think he got away with whatever he did. Is this enough proof to conclude he was cheating? Of course he’ll deny if I ask and prob be better at hiding in future. We have kids and I’d feel better about divorcing if I had hard  proof he is cheating. Is this enough?

[stillafool]

Why are you snooping through his stuff?  Has he given you reason to do this by his past actions?

[Anonymous]

Yes, too many times to count. I have caught him in lies and don’t fully trust him and he refuses to be transparent about stuff. He pretends to be a good guy to the world, but I have experienced years of sneakiness and manipulation when I hold him accountable for something. When you are constantly lied to and gaslit, and when you are the only one that experiences this from a person (while he appears perfect to others) no one would believe he is the problem. And it has me questioning my reality bc he has lied his way through many confrontations. so that’s why I need proof. 

[ShySoul]

This is a personal decision. There isn't an amount of evidence that is needed to qualify as acceptable. For some people they will want more. For others they would have left the first instance they felt something was right. It's all about what is okay for the individual. It's all about what is acceptable and unacceptable for YOU.

Even if this one time was innocent (and it's highly suspicous at a minimum), he has lied before. He isn't making up for those lies. You don't trust him. And he hasn't been good at hiding things to this point, what makes you think he would get better at it? If he did it would be for a time, then he'd fall right back to the same pattern. All the while, you will still be doubting him and checking up on him.

At best the two of you would need counseling again. It would require a sincere effort on his part to make things better. If he refused to change, then you would be justified in leaving. You have tried and given him chances. This wouldn't be a snap judgement, it would be something that has built up over time until it became too much to handle.

You need no justification or evidence at this point. It isn't even about him cheating or not. It's about not being able to trust or depend on him. Rather or not to keep giving chances or leave is your call. Make the choice that is right for you.

As for the children, if there is no real love or trust, it's better to be honest and divorce. Staying together for them will prolong the hurt and be uncomfortable for everyone. Children will pick up on tension anyway. 

[Anonymous]

I confronted him and asked about it. He couldn’t answer why he took those things out of the house. Then I asked would he be willing to show me his phone. in a split second, he became loud angry and said “f*** it” I’m done. I’m not gonna be interrogated continuously bc of something that happened 10 years ago. He said he was moving out. I stayed calm the whole time and tried to talk. He finally calmed down but the damage is done. How dare he tell me he’s done when I’ve given so many chances and had so much patience. And the way he repeatedly said he was done def made me think he has someone else - bc to throw our marriage away over this confrontation is crazy. I’m his wife and I should be able to question him if stuff don’t make sense. 

[S2B]

Cheaters lie and lie. That’s all you need to fully understand.

make your decision based on that and take action to help  yourself and your future.

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I confronted him and asked about it. He couldn’t answer why he took those things out of the house. Then I asked would he be willing to show me his phone. in a split second, he became loud angry and said “f*** it” I’m done. I’m not gonna be interrogated continuously bc of something that happened 10 years ago. He said he was moving out. I stayed calm the whole time and tried to talk. He finally calmed down but the damage is done. How dare he tell me he’s done when I’ve given so many chances and had so much patience. And the way he repeatedly said he was done def made me think he has someone else - bc to throw our marriage away over this confrontation is crazy. I’m his wife and I should be able to question him if stuff don’t make sense. 

You started this thread because you wanted to know if you've got enough for a divorce.   Sounds like you've now got what you need to be able to start over.  Best thing is that he is moving out, so this saves you from having to be the one making all that effort. 

If you really do want a divorce, his reaction is a blessing in disguise

Edited September 4 by basil67

[stillafool]

On 9/4/2025 at 10:03 AM, Anonymous said:

And the way he repeatedly said he was done def made me think he has someone else - bc to throw our marriage away over this confrontation is crazy. I’m his wife and I should be able to question him if stuff don’t make sense. 

It makes sense to me considering you said he's cheated on you too many times to count.  You should be the one saying you're done.  Then he may have some respect for you if you do.  People tend to lose respect for those who let them continually lie and abuse them.