loony Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I started this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79408/ about this friend of mine and it got me thinking about other things as well. I find my friend really entertaining and when we are not fighting we get along. The reason why I'm not in a relationship with him is that I don't feel physically attracted to him, the spark is missing, he has also somewhat of a "nice guy" attitude meaning he tends to put the blame too much on the women and I simply don't feel an emotional connection. On the other hand I know someone else with him I do have good talks, I'm not as entertained though, especially since he is not someone who likes arguing or debating, when we talk, we talk like civilized people what is important to me though is that I feel an emotional closeness and rapport as he is more gentle than my other friend. I know that people will say that our partner should be our best friend and someone we like talking to, but is is normal that there will still be other people with whom talks are a bit better sometimes or is it not rather a sign that you are with the wrong person? What in the end determines the compatibility in a relationship? Could this feeling of emotional closeness just be infatuation?
travellingman Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 there will still be other people with whom talks are a bit better sometimes or is it not rather a sign that you are with the wrong person? for me it's been a sign that I married the wrong person in your case, sounds like the "better conversations" guy is turning you off by coming across as a bit of a loser
Outcast Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Could this feeling of emotional closeness just be infatuation? Yes. When all the newness in a relationship wears off, what's left is companionship and if the person isn't the person you most enjoy talking to and being with, then he's not the one for you.
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 in your case, sounds like the "better conversations" guy is turning you off by coming across as a bit of a loser No, I find him entertaining and interesting, but I can't find the rapport between us.
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Yes. When all the newness in a relationship wears off, what's left is companionship and if the person isn't the person you most enjoy talking to and being with, then he's not the one for you. But if talking was everything, then why am I not attracted to my friend??
Outcast Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I didn't say talking is 'everything'. You're not in love with either of them so the answer is that choice number 3 who you haven't met yet will be 'the one'. Respect/admiration are important components of love and you'll have trouble sustaining respect/admiration for someone that you find 'not very entertaining' because he doesn't like to get into discussions.
travellingman Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 But if talking was everything, then why am I not attracted to my friend?? Talking and companionship are everything in an ltr. Problem in your case is you don't have enough respect for this other friend.
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I didn't say talking is 'everything'. You're not in love with either of them so the answer is that choice number 3 who you haven't met yet will be 'the one'. Respect/admiration are important components of love and you'll have trouble sustaining respect/admiration for someone that you find 'not very entertaining' because he doesn't like to get into discussions. No, I am in love with him. I do enjoy talking to him, but it's different to what I feel with my other friend. My other friend is just very well read and always informed about what's going on in the world. I can talk with him about literature, politics, social issues and whatever crosses our minds. The guy I'm in love with is less argumentative and maybe a bit less informed, he is a bit more concentrated on his work which is different than what my other friend does. I think he just doesn't argue so much, because he is not out to defend his opinion as passionately as I or my other friend do, discussions never get that heated. The heated discussions are fun, but also kind of nerve racking at times. Both are very smart and I respect both of them.
Outcast Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Despite having one guy you're 'in love' with, you're seeking out another friend whose converrsation you enjoy more because you miss it. This doesn't bode well for the 'love' relationshp. My vote is still for option C - somebody else entirely.
EMJ Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I know this is carrying over from the other thread, but there is no hope if you aren't STRONGLY attracted to him in a sexual way. None. nada. zip. fugetaboutit. You'll eventually meet someone who rings all your bells and where will this poor sap be?
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Despite having one guy you're 'in love' with, you're seeking out another friend whose converrsation you enjoy more because you miss it. This doesn't bode well for the 'love' relationshp. My vote is still for option C - somebody else entirely. My numero uno doesn't want me... Of course he would be my prefered conversation partner, but I'd still like to be in contact with other people. We're not from the same country and therefore don't have the same background, don't speak the same native language, so I need also other people to talk with once in a while.
Author loony Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I know this is carrying over from the other thread, but there is no hope if you aren't STRONGLY attracted to him in a sexual way. None. nada. zip. fugetaboutit. You'll eventually meet someone who rings all your bells and where will this poor sap be? He'd still be a my friend if he wants to.
Outcast Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 My numero uno doesn't want me... Of course he would be my prefered conversation partner, but I'd still like to be in contact with other people. We're not from the same country and therefore don't have the same background, don't speak the same native language, so I need also other people to talk with once in a while. Loony, drop numero uno. Not wanting you is a serious character flaw. Find someone you love to talk to who also wants you rather than wasting time pining over lost cause boy.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 But if talking was everything, then why am I not attracted to my friend?? You can't control chemistry. You are and can be very emotionally attached to someone without having sexual feelings. The sexual feelings are what makes it into a relationship. He has 'em for you but you don't have 'em for him. That will always be a problem.
Author loony Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Loony, drop numero uno. Not wanting you is a serious character flaw. Find someone you love to talk to who also wants you rather than wasting time pining over lost cause boy. I just had a talk with him about a couple of things which resulted in some nasty revelations. He said he hoped we could talk one day again in the future and I told him he can talk to me when he knows what trust, sincerity and respect in a friendship mean, is able to assume responsibility for his actions and has taken steps to improve. What a nice gentle bloody f*cking a**h***. Just once I'd like to meet someone who treats me with respect without me having to act like a bitch.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 You will, loony. First you have to quit hoping this guy will change and toss him out of your head and heart.
Author loony Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 You will, loony. First you have to quit hoping this guy will change and toss him out of your head and heart. Well, I decided to talk with him today, because I thought it was time to get rid of all this crap in my life. In a way I'm not that surprised about the things he said, because why should I assume that someone would change without actively seeking a change. The fact that I had to contact him again to talk about the problems between us was just proof that things were still the same and we were as always running in circles like stupid hamsters in their wheels. He can take his friendship and shove it up his ass and choke on it.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Good on ya! It's brave to take the bull by the horns like that because it means the fantasy may end. Sometimes fantasies of happy-ever-after serve us, but other times they hold us back from living fully. Now this bubble is burst, you can move on and find the love you deserve.
Author loony Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Good on ya! It's brave to take the bull by the horns like that because it means the fantasy may end. Sometimes fantasies of happy-ever-after serve us, but other times they hold us back from living fully. Now this bubble is burst, you can move on and find the love you deserve. I'm a freaking good catch! If he can't see it, his damn loss. What really pisses me off is that I only get respect when I throw a fit. I bloody choose to be nice, it's not because I'm weak and I'm certainly not going to tolerate someone in my life who is dishonest and insincere and not able to make up his mind.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I'm a freaking good catch! If he can't see it, his damn loss. Exactly! Memorize this and hang on to it (it's not mine, unfortunately): If he's too stupid to know how great I am, he doesn't deserve me. It sounds conceited, but all it means is that people who are good folks deserve appreciation and deserve partners who appreciate their good qualities.
Author loony Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Thanks Outcast for your support. I bloody deserve a nice person.
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