So disappointed

[Sadalone]

As I don't have anyone to talk to; I just want to share my story here. I'm so disappointed and sad. I dated for months with a man. He liked me, has all physical attraction... Describes our connection as pure and real, but it is not enough. He wants to be absolutely head over heels in love. He is not sure what he wants from relationships and hopes to find someone who leaves him no choice but to choose. He doesn't want to lose me from his life and wants to stay friends. I tried to be his friend but I don't think I can. Anyone else who have experienced something like this? I don't understand why I am not enough

Edited August 31 by Sadalone

[Carlston]

No way to know why you didn't tick all his boxes, even he might not know on a conscious level.

Whatever he thinks he's looking for,  you aren't it.

Disappear from his life, don't hold onto a thread of hope when there's nothing to be hopeful for.

 

[Sadalone]

Thanks Carlton. I know you are right and I feel so stupid for holding on to hope. Indeed, I still get hope out of him saying he doesn't want to lose me. 
How to disappear from his life? I'm trying this for months already. Everytime he sends me a message my heart makes a little jump and I meet him for dinner... 

[Carlston]

You need to block him. 

Only then will you begin to move on with your life.

 

[MissCMadness]

Honey, we need to stop thinking we're not enough when we're not wanted. Your just not right for him, and hes not right for you. You didnt do anything wrong. But its definitely not because your not enough

[ShySoul]

You are enough. You are more then enough. Whatever the issue is, it's not with you, it is with him. He seems to be looking for perfection, but love isn't like that. To have that pure and real connection is rare. He will probably sabotage himself looking for the impossible instead of appreciating how lucky he is to have what is right in front of him. That's his problem, not yours.

I know how you feel. I would give anything to be with someone. But she doesn't believe it can work. Part of me still believes and has hope. And part of me always will. There is nothing wrong with that. Our feelings are our feelings. They need to play out and they will settle in time. You can't force yourself to feel something. You can't make yourself not care for him just as he doesn't seem able to, right now, make himself want to commit. So don't feel bad for having whatever feelings you do have. The key is to learn how to moderate them. It's being able to separate the feeling of caring for him as a person from the feelings of wanting to be with him romantically. 

It's a difficult thing to do. But it can be done. I've stayed friends with the person I want to be with because I know having them in my life even as just friends is important to me. You should trust your heart and do what is right for you. If you can't disappear from his life, maybe you aren't supposed to? Maybe the better option is to find  a way to let go of the want of a romantic  experience and just live in the moment of enjoying what currently is a friendship? Maybe let the heart skip a beat, then remind yourself he's just a friend.

I hope you do find that someone who doesn't hesitate and sees how awesome you and your love is, just as you are.

[stillafool]

I'm not going to say he's wrong for feeling the way he does.  We don't always check everyone's boxes and that's okay.  At least he told you and is not wasting your time.  The only way to get over him and put this behind you is to block him from contacting you as a friend.  He is not going to change his mind and suddenly want you to be his woman.  You will just hang around as a friend until one day he meets the woman he actually wants to be with, will tell you about her and then you'll be crushed all over again.  You need to make a clean break.

[Sadalone]

Hi everyone, 

Many thanks for your kind (and realistic) responses. And apologies @Carlston, for writing your name incorrectly! I only noticed after I posted and could not edit. 

@Carlston Blocking him feels so incredibly harsh. He says he wishes to keep my into his life and although I understand it is not romantically, I feel I cannot do that after all this time I've seen him. 

@MissCMadness Thank you. I hope I can accept it someday and see it was not me doing something wrong. I wish I made my feelings for him more clear earlier on, perhaps that would have made a difference. 

@ShySoul I'm very sorry to hear you are in the same boat. So you have decided to stay in her life? As a friend? Did you date her and how long? And how do you cope with the possibility that she will meet someone else some day?

@stillafool Yes, that is what I am afraid of. But I'm also scared that if I remove myself from his life, I would also remove the last opportunity that his feelings could grow (even if that opportunity is 0.00001%)

I feel like a fool for feeling still a slice of hope. He says he still feels super attracted to me and still want to kiss me. That makes me so super confused.. 

Edited September 2 by Sadalone

[stillafool]

On 8/31/2025 at 11:20 AM, Sadalone said:

He wants to be absolutely head over heels in love. He is not sure what he wants from relationships and hopes to find someone who leaves him no choice but to choose.

It's your choice if you want to hang around with him and wait for that woman who he will take one look at and fall head over heels in love with, leaving him no choice but to chase his heart's desire to make him marry her.  Personally, I would rather move on and find a man who actually has fallen head over heels for me, but this is your choice.

[Sadalone]

Yes, you are right. I just wondered if it is realistic what he is saying. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, trying to be friends with a former dating partner is in most cases completely unrealistic. 

Trying to be friends with someone who has dumped us---impossible! I mean, some divorced, formerly married people--out of love for their children--will be civil to the partner who initiated the divorce. And occasionally a friendship develops over time. 

If you hang with him, your mind will keep trying to impress him and to change his mind. Nope, say goodbye and move on. 

BTW: a lot of people just mislead (if not "lie"--maybe a white lie) by saying they want to be friends as a way to supposedly soften the blow of dumping the other person. So take his words with a grain of salt. 

 

[Sadalone]

That might be. Thanks for your words, it makes me sad but also makes me feel strong now. Mornings are the hardest, do you have tips to stay focused and not contact him?

Also, this whole thing makes me doubt my view on "love", if you understand what I mean. He described our connection as pure, real, and special and still he wants to kiss me. But obviously he didn't feel the butterflies I guess. Me, on the other hand, felt safe, seen, happy, attracted, I looked forward (a lot) to seeing him... I didn't feel butterflies. I still enjoyed doing my own thing during the week, my hobbies, being alone... Was I satisfied too quickly? Should I look for more? What do you think? I am mid 40's and not sure anymore what love should be. 

[Gebidozo]

People have very different requirements, standards, and definitions when it comes to measuring the intensity of feeling sufficient for having a long-term relationship.

You are satisfied with your level of feeling, even though you aren’t having the “butterflies”. But he considers his own lack of “butterflies” as insufficiency of feeling. Even though he clearly likes you a lot, he doesn’t think that what he is feeling is conductive to a long-term relationship. He is just different.

There is no right or wrong in either your or his standards. Personally, I’m more like him. I need to be head over heels in love and know that the woman feels the same for me.

I think that breaking off contact with him would be the optimal solution. Otherwise you’d continue to have hope and spend too much time waiting for him instead of focusing on finding a partner that matches your emotional expectations.

Edited September 3 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

On 8/31/2025 at 11:20 AM, Sadalone said:

He doesn't want to lose me from his life and wants to stay friends. 

This is very selfish of him.  No, you shouldn't stay "friends" with him.  He is not your friend.  Why would you want to stay friends with a man who rejected you and who basically says that you are not good enough for him to date?  End the relationship with him and move on.