Woggle Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I am sorry for venting yet another time about my relationship but I figure it is better to vent on this board than drive her nuts with my constant insecurities. Basically in a nutshell I have this wall around me that I can't seem to take down. The closer we become the more I freak out. Deep down inside I want this but it scares the hell ouf me. After my divorce I worked so hard to grow a backbone and believe in myself. I finally gained some self esteem and vowed to never let myself becaome the way I was before. I am so scared of becoming that person again and then there is the trust issue. Also let's face it many times the nige guys end up the losers. Just read some threads on this board. Quite simply I don't trust women. No need to beat around the bush because that is what it is. The issue with my mother, my ex wife and what I have seen other men go through has clouded my view of women. I don't trust them unless they give me a reason to and I find myself searching in my head for something wrong my gf did or some ulterior motive or hidden meaning in something she said. I don't say this to her but I think about it in my head. I honestly have a hard time believeing that a woman loves a man just for him. I think most women hate men and want to bleed us dry and then kick us just for fun. That is an unfair generlization but it is the way I feel even when I try to convince myself otherwise. I keep it inside right now but I won't be able to hold it in forever. I know if I don't confront these issues I will ruin this and I am scared I will. Again sorry for harping on this but I need to get these things off my chest. 1
Lonestar Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I honestly have a hard time believeing that a woman loves a man just for him. I think most women hate men and want to bleed us dry and then kick us just for fun. Did you ever try just being friends with a woman and not becoming emotionally involved? You might see a different side of women than what you're accustomed to. I don't hate men, I love them, and have many male friends who I talk to all the time. They mean the world to me. On the other hand, there are men I hate who have bled me dry, like you said. Woggle, I will never get into my entire history with men on this board, but I have been through some horrible sh*t at the hands of evil people. But I can't group all men into the same category because I have so many wonderful male companions in my life that treat me like gold. There are rotten motherf*ckers out there who will knock people down so they can kick them in the head some more, but real good people exist too - in both sexes. If you keep hating all women, you'll be alone for a long long time.
Author Woggle Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Did you ever try just being friends with a woman and not becoming emotionally involved? You might see a different side of women than what you're accustomed to. I don't hate men, I love them, and have many male friends who I talk to all the time. They mean the world to me. On the other hand, there are men I hate who have bled me dry, like you said. Woggle, I will never get into my entire history with men on this board, but I have been through some horrible sh*t at the hands of evil people. But I can't group all men into the same category because I have so many wonderful male companions in my life that treat me like gold. There are rotten motherf*ckers out there who will knock people down so they can kick them in the head some more, but real good people exist too - in both sexes. If you keep hating all women, you'll be alone for a long long time. I actually have a few female friends. On a logical level I know you are right but it is harder to get past this mistrust. My subconcious puts a wall around me when dealing with women.
Lonestar Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I actually have a few female friends. On a logical level I know you are right but it is harder to get past this mistrust. My subconcious puts a wall around me when dealing with women. It's understandable. I still question men and their motives with me all the time, but try to push those feelings aside and concentrate on their actions and words as opposed to what someone else did to me in the past.
Gator762 Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I feel your pain Woggle. I'm separating, and my (ex)wife has done some really rotten things to me - and worst of all, I haven't seen any signs or remorse either. I guess the only thing I have learned, and will share, is to be careful with A type personalities. Once you don't seem to be in their equation for success, you might be as emotionally valuable to them as garbage. I'll go a little further upon what Lonestar said. If you cannot trust someone, you'll never experience love again!
Author Woggle Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I feel your pain Woggle. I'm separating, and my (ex)wife has done some really rotten things to me - and worst of all, I haven't seen any signs or remorse either. I guess the only thing I have learned, and will share, is to be careful with A type personalities. Once you don't seem to be in their equation for success, you might be as emotionally valuable to them as garbage. I'll go a little further upon what Lonestar said. If you cannot trust someone, you'll never experience love again! That was the worst of all. My ex saw nothing wrong with what she did. The cheating was bad enough but then when I wouldn't take her back and fought in the divorce to keep my stuff she told a bunch of lies about how I beat and raped her in the marriage. Also the the abuse from my mother really screwed me up. People have no idea what an abusive mother does to a man. It is betrayel by the one woman you are supposed to be able to trust. I don't want to lay this all on my current love but the issues are creeping back up.
Lishy Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Woggle I understand completely how you feel. I too have my guards so high up it will take a mountaineer and year to climb them!!!!!! But honey you have 2 choices - Let a new girl in and risk being happy or keep your guards up and have a guarantee off being lonely! It is so hard and you do not want to bog her down with your emotions too much as she could end up feeding off of your insecurities and not get to know the 'real you'. However hard it may be honey why not just give it a chance? We are not all made of the same mould darling!
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Woggle, are you seeing a therapist about this? If not, maybe it's time to consider it because you need some help so you can let go of the past hurts and learn how to not let the past creep into your present and future. You love this woman and from what you've said about her, she's wonderful!! I can see how much good she's brought into your life yet (as you've said) the walls are up and keep staying up the closer you two get. I know you're scared of being hurt again...Love DOES hurt at times, but it doesn't always have to be a downspiralling hurt, devastation. Sometimes that hurt helps, fixed a relationship, makes the couple closer. She knows all about how you feel, past stuff? (maybe not all the details, but you get what I'm saying?) If so, she'll be patient...And not let you run from her and the relationship. Think about the therapist thing. I really believe it can help put to bed some ghosts from the past.
Author Woggle Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Woggle, are you seeing a therapist about this? If not, maybe it's time to consider it because you need some help so you can let go of the past hurts and learn how to not let the past creep into your present and future. You love this woman and from what you've said about her, she's wonderful!! I can see how much good she's brought into your life yet (as you've said) the walls are up and keep staying up the closer you two get. I know you're scared of being hurt again...Love DOES hurt at times, but it doesn't always have to be a downspiralling hurt, devastation. Sometimes that hurt helps, fixed a relationship, makes the couple closer. She knows all about how you feel, past stuff? (maybe not all the details, but you get what I'm saying?) If so, she'll be patient...And not let you run from her and the relationship. Think about the therapist thing. I really believe it can help put to bed some ghosts from the past. She knows about my past and my mistrust. I hold it in though when my mind starts wandering about her because I know it is my insecurities and not her. I do feel that my way of thinking is somewhat justified though. I have seen too many women in my life who prove me right but it is unfair to dump it on her. I have a friend who is going through the same thing my father went through and it is bringing back all these feelings.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Then that is what you have to keep telling yourself...This woman is NOT like those other ones. Try not to let what happens in your friends life affect yours. Different person, different situation. (Yeah I know, easier said than done.)
lilmoma1973 Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Just because of one bad person doesn't mean all women should be doomed.. I too keep up a wall not to get hurt by my h again after cheating on me ,and it is really hard to let go and am learning slowly to let go !! It is hard to gain trust with someone after it is broken ...
Blackard Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Quite simply I don't trust women. No need to beat around the bush because that is what it is. The issue with my mother, my ex wife and what I have seen other men go through has clouded my view of women. I don't understand this. You say that you don't trust women, then say your view of them is clouded? Its not, lol. Its crystal clear and you should not trust women simply because they have a vagina. Women will screw you, sometimes worse then a guy. Why? Because we play the Disney game and just hand over control, expose our vulnerabilities before we know that we can trust them. Look, I've been there done that (the whole divorce, getting screwed thing). I've also come full circle and now have an absolutely awesome woman. Here is how I did it. I forgot the Disney game and started looking for a best friend. I didn't try to "win" a woman's love, I started judging them on their worthiness. I stopped looking at them as "women", and started looking at them as people, with all the disgusting, despicable, deranged aspects that people maintain. Romance is the biggest lie and biggest trap you will ever encounter. Second thing I did was to not compromise who I was ever again. I told my SO that I was me, no pretense, no game playing, no changing. If she liked the me that I was, then she should stay. If she didn't, she should go because you change one thing about me and you start changing who I am from the man you love. Stop giving in. Stop being assimilated Start judging her on her worth to you...and DON'T be afraid to let her go. Plenty of fish in the sea and too many guys try to make it work with the first woman who puts a leash on them. Don't be that guy.
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