Processing a breakup need to hear from you

[Velimir Dolvarov]

Hello everyone,

I just broke up with my girlfriend ~13 hours ago.

We had been apart for two weeks, but today we finally settled everything. It was not the most honored breakup, because I lost it.

I begged her to stay. She threw at me “I hate you, I can’t take you anymore, I need to chase myself.” I raged, blocked her everywhere, deleted everything messages, photos, all of it.

It was an online relationship, but I promise it was different, it was real. Still, I don’t know what happened to her. Yes, I was a dick sometimes, even a villain. But she was not innocent either. We broke up and came back together so many times. It was always me pushing her away when she ignored my messages or did something that really hit my nerves, and then she would beg me to stay and I would return.

But this time, when I messed up and she pushed me away, she did not want me back. She refused. She said she hated me. She meant it.

The funny part is she was the one who pushed for this relationship in the first place.

It was 4.5 years. And now it is gone.

I am angry at her, but the healthy kind of anger. The kind where I do not allow myself to collapse into sadness. Because deep down I know I did my part. I promised to stay. I tried to fix things. I showed up.

I still feel sad for her though. Not because I want her back, but because I know she will not easily find another love. Not because she cannot, but because here, across the seas, love is hard. And she told me she is not going to search for love, that she will take the traditional route. I laughed at how stupid all of this sounded. Still, I wish her good luck.

For me, I know love will find me again, the same way it showed up out of nowhere with her. But next time I will be wiser. I will set terms from the start. I will not just get pushed into something and convince myself to say yes, maybe it can work, only to try and try and end up getting spat in the face.

[Gebidozo]

There are no questions in your post. What kind of help are you looking for, exactly?

If you simply want people’s opinions, mine consists of the following:

1) Online relationships aren’t real romantic relationships. They never work and they never last. Next time, look for a partner in real life.

2) The relationship was unhealthy and toxic anyway. Constantly breaking up and begging each other to stay is high school romance, not a normal relationship between two mature people.

3)You said you were a “dick” and a “villain”. What exactly did you do? 

[ShyViolet]

You had me until "it was an online relationship."  Oh please, stop this madness.  If you have never met the girl in person, this was not a real relationship.  Stop living life through a screen, and get out into the real world.

[Velimir Dolvarov]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There are no questions in your post. What kind of help are you looking for, exactly?

If you simply want people’s opinions, mine consists of the following:

1) Online relationships aren’t real romantic relationships. They never work and they never last. Next time, look for a partner in real life.

2) The relationship was unhealthy and toxic anyway. Constantly breaking up and begging each other to stay is high school romance, not a normal relationship between two mature people.

3)You said you were a “dick” and a “villain”. What exactly did you do? 

Thanks Gebidozo for understanding, yeah, I did not do my part correctly. I'm new to forums and I just meant that I want opinions and people who I can freely and safely talk to and share this with.

Sorry for my very long reply, I just want to let it all out..

1)
I knew once I said it was an online relationship people would start mocking, saying they never work, and I understand this point of view from people who live on the other side of the world. But anyway, I shared it. Because I believe love can take all forms and ways possible. Our love was limited to an online relationship, that was our circumstance, and we tried... at least until she didn’t. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but it was worth it for what it was.

2)
Well... we were actually in high school when we started this relationship. I can’t disagree with you at all. Yes it was very childish and stupid, but I believed it was worth the shot. I remember when we first started, she was so ambitious about me, how she cried and begged me to stay, saying she would be better for me even that she will hurt her self I did not stay, and that I don't blame anyone expect myself if anything happen to her, lol when I'm writing I remember crazy stuff that she always said when we breakup every time. It was too good to be true. Not fake, absolutely not fake, she was real, but she was not mature enough to realize this would never work, and I was not mature enough to set boundaries or to trust my instincts from the start.

I think her love was the obsessive type. When we first started, she would send over 100 messages, photos including cute drawings of me and her, videos to react to all kind of stuff every single day, and I had to reply to every single one. I swear she was counting them. She would tell me, “Hey, I sent those with love, you have to reply.” And if I didn’t, then to her it meant I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t marry her, and I was the devil himself. I wasn’t comfortable with that, so I pushed back by saying, “This will not work out, let’s break up.” Then she would start the begging loop, and… yeah, I always came back, because I believed she would change and that maybe there was still a chance it could work out.

That loop lasted for 3 years. Then she went to medical school, and suddenly I became the one who was sending messages and she never replied. Remember how she used to get mad if I missed just one message? Now she would go 2 to 4 days without replying at all. The reason was always, “I’m studying.” And I completely get that. But not even an hour for me? Then you tell me straight to my face that you read books and watch TikTok because they’re fast and fun, but somehow you don’t have time to reply to me? WTF.

Yeah… it was messed up. Writing this now, I remember those days all too well.

3)
When we broke up, she told me that I was always taking advantage of her, that I manipulated her by saying “let’s break up” and then waiting for her to come back, and that I always wanted to be the upper hand when we split. I can see why she said that, and I agree with her. I did that, and I fully admit my part. But!... and no, I’m not trying to reclaim the narrative to my side. She was truly relentless. She would never calm down if I didn’t do that. She would call, send messages, ping me until my notifications were broken. And it didn’t stop after an hour or two, she would keep going for hours and hours nonstop until I broke down.

And yeah, that’s the one thing she kept repeating to me.. that I was a manipulative, and a dick. And I get it, I admit it. There were better solutions, but I didn’t know any better. I just thought if I pushed her away, she would understand her mistakes.

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I still feel her. Not in a love way, but she still leaves traces in my mind. Since yesterday I’ve been fighting myself not to cry, because there is nothing to cry over. I just feel sad that it went this way, and it’s all because I believed. Something inside me keeps saying, “We knew it was coming, you stupid,” and it punishes me for giving it a shot. But it’s over. I was right. Now what?

Yes, I messed her up, but she also did me bad.

In the last two months it was clearly over. She kept opening my messages and not replying until the next day, ignoring me when I needed her. I wished there was a clear reason. If it had been cheating or studying, at least that would make sense. But It was a vacation time so no studying and she showed no signs of either.

I think.. she was just maturing until it hit. We repeated the same breakup loop, but this time she finally said, “I don’t want you anymore.” I could have accepted it, but instead I asked her to come back. And she hit me with the hammer.

She said bad stuff to me it hurts, you are a man, you should not beg me, you must not be emotional, I know she didn't mean it, I know it was for the moment only. She was engaging texting me, but no matter what I said her response was, please Ve just go, I raged.

And here I am.

[Velimir Dolvarov]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You had me until "it was an online relationship."  Oh please, stop this madness.  If you have never met the girl in person, this was not a real relationship.  Stop living life through a screen, and get out into the real world.

Thank you, ShyViolet. I know this is your way of saying I shouldn’t care and must move on, but I’m just taking my time to process what happened. I’m sharing my part here with the internet to calm myself a bit. Thank you.

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, Velimir Dolvarov said:

I think her love was the obsessive type. When we first started, she would send over 100 messages, photos including cute drawings of me and her, videos to react to all kind of stuff every single day, and I had to reply to every single one. I swear she was counting them. She would tell me, “Hey, I sent those with love, you have to reply.” And if I didn’t, then to her it meant I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t marry her, and I was the devil himself. I wasn’t comfortable with that, so I pushed back by saying, “This will not work out, let’s break up.” Then she would start the begging loop, and… yeah, I always came back, because I believed she would change and that maybe there was still a chance it could work out.

This is called “lovebombing”, it’s a manipulative tactic that often grows into outright emotional abuse. You were right to break up with her, and of course you shouldn’t have given her a second chance.

You weren’t a “dick” or a “villain”, you were in a relationship with a toxic person. Please be more careful in the future. Never give in to emotional pressure and blackmail.

[Velimir Dolvarov]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This is called “lovebombing”, it’s a manipulative tactic that often grows into outright emotional abuse. You were right to break up with her, and of course you shouldn’t have given her a second chance.

You weren’t a “dick” or a “villain”, you were in a relationship with a toxic person. Please be more careful in the future. Never give in to emotional pressure and blackmail.

Thanks a lot, Gebidozo. I really appreciate you taking the time for it. You’re right, and it helps to hear it put. It’s over now, but I’ll take your words with me and do better going forward.