2 relationships in a row where the man lied about being single!! What's wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

Please be gentle. I'm beating myself up over this anyway. I am in my 30s and have a stable life, career, job, education but I seem to have a knack for picking the WORST men. My first long-term relationship was with a man I thought I knew well because we'd been friends for years and he always seemed very respectable. He actually had a reputation at work for leading causes for empowering women, etc. When we started dating and he only wanted to come to my place, I started having doubts. One day, he confessed that he actually wasn't broken up and still lived with his GIRLFRIEND. I was literally shell-shocked. I broke up with him immediately and he turned into a different person, started calling me, escalating and yelling, saying he had the "conversation" to break up with her, etc. Years later one my friends told me they still live together and that he apparently has a past sex related charge I didn't know about either.

After I finally recovered from that, I met another guy. I had some red flags early on but he was also very open and communicative to assuage my concerns, telling me he had some financial concerns, was divorced, had some legal issues in the past, had a child with someone he wasn't married to. That should have already been a dealbreaker, but I think I wasn't as recovered as I believed, because I kept talking to him instead of cutting ties. It was hard not to see him because we participated in similar weekly activities in the neighborhood. He initiated sex before I was ready (very early on) but I went along with it because we did have some chemistry - stupid I know. He said I love you very quickly, then started talking about marriage, even looking at engagement rings. He was very, very convincing. I asked why I hadn't met his family yet if he was thinking about engagement and he never had an answer. When I kept pushing, I found out that he was still living with the mother of his child. They even slept in the same bed occasionally because her older kids would come home from college and take up their spare bedrooms. I literally vomited when I found out. He claimed they had broken up, and when confronted, he backtracked and said they didn't have the conversation yet. I also found out he had filed for bankruptcy previously and just "didn't think to tell me". He got sued for debt and "didn't think to tell me". When I would confront him he would say he wasn't hiding it. I still don't know the details of what exactly his legal problems were. I started feeling like I was going crazy. I broke up with him.

He kept contacting me saying he was going to fix it and as soon as he could afford to move out he would. He still is. I am trying to decide whether to tell the mother of their child. Both of them have financial problems from what I hear but I don't want the child to be affected. I just can't believe I wasted so many years on these men and actually believed I was going to get married.

Still don't feel like I know what reality is. I haven't told my friends or family because I'm too ashamed. I'm looking for a therapist, but so far the 2 I interviewed were not helpful at all.

Any words of advice or solace would be greatly appreciated.

[Gebidozo]

It’s not your fault that these guys were creeps. There are a lot of people in this world who lie, cheat, and manipulate others.

Just remember that next time you could lower the risk of getting involved with such a person by being more careful. Visit their apartment, learn about their lives, and get suspicious if they lovebomb you. Get to know the person before you commit to them.

 

[Acacia98]

You're not responsible for the fact that they had red flags, OP. What you are responsible for is whether you did your due diligence before the relationships started and how you reacted once the red flags emerged.

So perhaps it would be useful to ask yourself what you could have done differently in these two cases to minimize the fallout or avoid it altogether: Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently?

Edited August 30 by Acacia98

[ShyViolet]

You know that you ignored red flags with the second guy.  Reflect on that, and in the future you never let red flags go by.

Besides that, stop beating yourself up.  These guys were liars and creeps and unfortunately many guys are.

[smackie9]

Well you saw the red flags and ignored them. Take that knowledge and put it to use next time. And for what it's worth, it takes no time to do some internet sleuthing to unbury ones skeletons out of the dirt. 

[FredEire]

It's not your fault they did what they did, that's on them. But your part of it is that you ended up picking these guys, so picking a better partner is what you should probably focus on in therapy. Many of us are attracted most strongly to exactly the wrong kind of person, because they are emotionally unavailable and therefore "safe", mistreat you in the same way maybe people did in your childhood, etc. It's worth working on, especially if you get excited by guys like this even if deep down you know something is off, and feel bored by guys who might actually be a better fit for you in terms of having a healthy relationship.

[Carlston]

Some women in your position would still be with the guy and waiting for him to leave his wife/girlfriend.

You kicked him to the curb as soon as you found out.

Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

 

 

[Sanch62]

I heard a psychologist suggest that, at some point when first meeting a new date, look directly into their eyes and ask, "Are you in any kind of relationship right now?"

Their reaction will be telling. If they laugh, that's different than a defensive reply. But failing to answer even while laughing should prompt a press, "Yep, I realize the question is startling, but what's your answer?

If the answer is no, you can make fun of your reasons for asking, but still follow with another question, "Is there anyone who somehow believes for any reason that they are still your partner right now?"

As you've noticed, some people do lie. People who don't lie can joke and appreciate what you are up to because they have nothing to hide. People who DO lie will be uncomfortable or defensive, and your goal is to get rid of them, not cater to them.

Nobody who wants to dupe you will offer clear information voluntarily. It's up to us to make it known, even through humor, that we won't accept any gray areas or secrecy.