Should I be worried or am I overreacting?

[rmartin]

Ive been dating a girl for 12 months, we've known each other for a long time. We get on well but the thing that bothers me is shes not very affectionate. We speak all the time and does tell me she loves me. In person shes different, at first I thought it was cos shes shy but its been 12 months now...

Affection and love makes her a little awkward, but she can write it down, just not say it other than "I love you" which she has no problem with.

On our anniversary I hugged her, looked her in the eyes and said happy anniversary, hoping for a nice intimate moment. She repeated what I said and turned away.

 

Our sexlife life is amazing and shes always up for it but she doesnt touch me in day to day life. She likes to hold hands when we're out. She will hug me when I leave.

 

She says shes not an affectionate person, we have discussed it many times but I cant keep bringing it up.

 

She is interested in the future but at the same time I do wonder if shes just settling for me as she has a daughter who has autism and shes previously said she was worried about meeting someone. This was at the very start of us dating.

 

She recently sat next to me in bed and I held her hand, she pulled it back. I know affection/love makes her a little awkward so I haven't done this before but I just tried it.

 

We are both middle aged so its not a maturity thing. 

 

Part of me thinks shes jusy shy and not good at expressing her feelings in person although she did tell me she loved me first and she likes to speak to me throughout the day, all day.

 

Other part of me thinks shes just settling.

 

As I say everything is good, its just the affection and being close.

 

She does involve me with her family and friends and everything is fine apart from the affection. We have holidays and events booked and have discussed the future.

She came out of a 10 year marriage 2 years ago, he cheated on her. She says he wasnt an affectionate person so it's probably from there.

 

She is a quiet and shy person naturally.

Ive decided to slowly reduce my affection so im not making a fool of myself.

 

Am I overthinking it?

Edited August 29 by rmartin

[rmartin]

50 minutes ago, rmartin said:

Ive been dating a girl for 12 months, we've known each other for a long time. We get on well but the thing that bothers me is shes not very affectionate. We speak all the time and does tell me she loves me. In person shes different, at first I thought it was cos shes shy but its been 12 months now...

Affection and love makes her a little awkward, but she can write it down, just not say it other than "I love you" which she has no problem with.

On our anniversary I hugged her, looked her in the eyes and said happy anniversary, hoping for a nice intimate moment. She repeated what I said and turned away.

 

Our sexlife life is amazing and shes always up for it but she doesnt touch me in day to day life. She likes to hold hands when we're out. She will hug me when I leave.

 

She says shes not an affectionate person, we have discussed it many times but I cant keep bringing it up.

 

She is interested in the future but at the same time I do wonder if shes just settling for me as she has a daughter who has autism and shes previously said she was worried about meeting someone. This was at the very start of us dating.

 

She recently sat next to me in bed and I held her hand, she pulled it back. I know affection/love makes her a little awkward so I haven't done this before but I just tried it.

 

We are both middle aged so its not a maturity thing. 

 

Part of me thinks shes jusy shy and not good at expressing her feelings in person although she did tell me she loved me first and she likes to speak to me throughout the day, all day.

 

Other part of me thinks shes just settling.

 

As I say everything is good, its just the affection and being close.

 

She does involve me with her family and friends and everything is fine apart from the affection. We have holidays and events booked and have discussed the future.

She came out of a 10 year marriage 2 years ago, he cheated on her. She says he wasnt an affectionate person so it's probably from there.

 

She is a quiet and shy person naturally.

Ive decided to slowly reduce my affection so im not making a fool of myself.

 

Am I overthinking it?

Edit

She tells me face to face she loves me, mainly after sex.

She does touch me, I meant more of a flirty touch or standing next to me giving me a hug etc.

It's not something she's ever done.

6 months ago we booked a holiday for next year, it was her idea to go somewhere. 

Maybe I'm just overthinking it and this is just how she is but the anniversary kiss and head turn was the catalyst really

Maybe the face to face, up close intimate loving moment to celebrate 1 year, talking about us as a couple isn't her thing. Maybe she just feels awkward.

I've bought up affection so many times I don't feel I can bring this up as I'll come across as needy.

Shes not a demanding girlfriend and doesn't get me to pay/buy things for her so that's something haha and is happy to go halves when we go out for meals.

Edited August 29 by rmartin

[ShyViolet]

This is how she is and you need to accept that she is not going to change.  You have a decision to make..... are you willing to be with someone like this, or does it bother you enough that you would end the relationship?  It's your choice to make, and there's no wrong answer.  But the bottom line is that this is just who she is and you cannot "work" on this or change her.

[Gebidozo]

Display of affection varies greatly from person to person. Just because she is less affectionate than you doesn’t mean she is “settling”.

If this bothers you so much, maybe you should be together with a person who could match your level of outward affection.

Don’t bother her with this and don’t try to change her, it won’t work. Either accept it that she just expressed herself differently from you, or decide that you can’t bear it and break up.

[smackie9]

I have a feeling this goes deeply into her childhood where some kind of trauma had occurred. There's a vibe that she feels ashamed to show affection. It's not normal behaviour so this is something for you two need to discuss, and hopefully work through, maybe with the help of a therapist. 

[Alpacalia]

I personally think she sounds affectionate just not in the way you’re used to receiving it.

Affection isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some people express love through words, others through touch, acts of service, quality time, or even just consistent presence. From what you’ve described, she is showing love—she tells you she loves you, she talks to you all day, she includes you in her family life, she’s physically intimate, and she’s planning a future with you. That’s not settling. That’s investment.

So are you overthinking it? Maybe a little—but only because you care deeply and you’re trying to make sense of something that feels emotionally lopsided. You’re not wrong to notice the imbalance. But you might be interpreting her discomfort with affection as a lack of love, when it’s more likely a difference in emotional wiring.

We can analyze why she isn't as affectionate as you wish her to be but at the end of the day it boils down to compatibility.

Can you accept her version of love without feeling neglected? Or will you slowly build resentment because your emotional needs aren’t being met?

[MissCMadness]

I dont think this is something you can change, its just the way she is. Maybe shes emotionaly awkward I dont know. But you know she loves you. You have a good sex life. 

I understand you probably need more of an emotional connection with her, but maybe she doesn't know what her love language is and thats okay. Do you love her enough to accept it? 

[Sanch62]

I would have difficulty with this, too. I'm highly affectionate, and I would not do well with a person who would want me to squelch that about myself.

This may not be a deal-breaker for some people, but it would be for me. I would discuss this in those terms to give my partner an opportunity to consider whether 'we' can resolve this as a team, or whether we'll need to part over it.

[flitzanu]

as someone who is in a very relatable relationship, this is just how things are sometimes.

one person may have very high levels of affection and what feels normal to them, and other people are not going to be that way.   she can love you exactly as much as you love her without doing all those physical things you're talking about.

however, if you can't be happy without them, then you'd want to find someone new, because as the others are saying, it isn't fair to try and force a person to change their entire behavior just because they don't act the way you want them to act.

[French Flow]

On 8/29/2025 at 9:48 AM, rmartin said:

Ive been dating a girl for 12 months, we've known each other for a long time. We get on well but the thing that bothers me is shes not very affectionate. We speak all the time and does tell me she loves me. In person shes different, at first I thought it was cos shes shy but its been 12 months now...

Affection and love makes her a little awkward, but she can write it down, just not say it other than "I love you" which she has no problem with.

On our anniversary I hugged her, looked her in the eyes and said happy anniversary, hoping for a nice intimate moment. She repeated what I said and turned away.

 

Our sexlife life is amazing and shes always up for it but she doesnt touch me in day to day life. She likes to hold hands when we're out. She will hug me when I leave.

 

She says shes not an affectionate person, we have discussed it many times but I cant keep bringing it up.

 

She is interested in the future but at the same time I do wonder if shes just settling for me as she has a daughter who has autism and shes previously said she was worried about meeting someone. This was at the very start of us dating.

 

She recently sat next to me in bed and I held her hand, she pulled it back. I know affection/love makes her a little awkward so I haven't done this before but I just tried it.

 

We are both middle aged so its not a maturity thing. 

 

Part of me thinks shes jusy shy and not good at expressing her feelings in person although she did tell me she loved me first and she likes to speak to me throughout the day, all day.

 

Other part of me thinks shes just settling.

 

As I say everything is good, its just the affection and being close.

 

She does involve me with her family and friends and everything is fine apart from the affection. We have holidays and events booked and have discussed the future.

She came out of a 10 year marriage 2 years ago, he cheated on her. She says he wasnt an affectionate person so it's probably from there.

 

She is a quiet and shy person naturally.

Ive decided to slowly reduce my affection so im not making a fool of myself.

 

Am I overthinking it?

Reading your post, it’s really clear how much you care for her and how patient you’ve been. I can imagine it’s tough when the words are there (‘I love you’) but the daily affection feels missing. That kind of mismatch can leave anyone second-guessing themselves.

 

Sometimes, people show love differently .What you’re describing almost sounds like a clash of love languages. For some, physical closeness feels natural, for others it feels awkward even if their feelings are strong.

I see two main ways of dealing with this . One where you just leave her as she is, the other one toi might get her to commit in such a way that she wants to change for you . 

 

But first , I’m curious though… if you think about yourself, what do you actually need day-to-day to feel secure, wanted, and cherished? Not what you’re ‘making do’ with, but what your heart quietly wishes for?

[Sanch62]

23 hours ago, flitzanu said:

... as the others are saying, it isn't fair to try and force a person to change their entire behavior just because they don't act the way you want them to act.

There's a lot of space for balance on a scale when binary black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking is removed. Neither person must completely change for the other when two people value one another enough to negotiate a compromise.

There's also bribery, which offers the other something of value to them in exchange for enough of a compromise to satisfy the partner. It's the fine art of showing another what's in it for them.

If negotiation and bribery both fail, that's when you'll need to resort to a nothing-or-nothing decision. That's a choice between settling for someone who doesn't value you enough to compromise one degree OR take your marbles and offer those to someone who may offer you more of what you want.

[flitzanu]

7 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

There's a lot of space for balance on a scale when binary black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking is removed. Neither person must completely change for the other when two people value one another enough to negotiate a compromise.

There's also bribery, which offers the other something of value to them in exchange for enough of a compromise to satisfy the partner. It's the fine art of showing another what's in it for them.

If negotiation and bribery both fail, that's when you'll need to resort to a nothing-or-nothing decision. That's a choice between settling for someone who doesn't value you enough to compromise one degree OR take your marbles and offer those to someone who may offer you more of what you want.

i can agree that emotional relationships are not always black and white, but i do not agree that a person should attempt to bribe their partner and make their relationship transactional and based on objective value of what one person can offer the other in exchange for their affection.  

[Sanch62]

5 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i can agree that emotional relationships are not always black and white, but i do not agree that a person should attempt to bribe their partner and make their relationship transactional and based on objective value of what one person can offer the other in exchange for their affection.  

I understand. We can agree to disagree. Some of the most successful couples I know who've enjoyed longevity also enjoy bribery in many forms. It can be a lot of fun, and I've heard lots of couples' counselors describe it as a healthy part of intimacy when negotiated in the right context.