Planning to have kids

[Anonymous]

I have been telling my husband I want two kids forever. He always says "maybe". I honestly see this as a potential problem in the future (in max 5/6 year I'd say). That said, have also the feeling he is not taking seriously the "try to have kids" and does not seem to understand the fact that each month there are certain days he must be more proactive. I don't know how to talk him into this. He seems like he does not want confrontation about the topic. But claims he wants at least one kid. We are 32/33 so honestly I feel like he doesn't completely get the woman side of the plate.

[stillafool]

Did you guys talk about having children before you married?  Is having children something he said he wanted?

[Lotsgoingon]

Uh, he's taking your request seriously. It's just that he's acting (seriously) like does NOT want to have kids. He’s evading you, and evading is a NO! It’s like the “no” I would get from girls in high school when they would say. “I’m busy this weekend … and next weekend doesn’t work either.” 

This is a problem now, because it's weighing on you. 

Sounds like he never agreed to having kids. So why do you think he is doing something wrong by changing the subject? Maybe he needs to step up and give you his no explicitly. I would say he’s doing you a disservice to not directly answer your request. You also did yourself a disservice by assuming his “maybe” would reliably turn into a yes. That was an errant assumption. 

Be careful here. You don't want to shame someone into having children. Children are exhausting--in the best cases.  Of course, there can be joy and connection and love and fun and family and all of that. Even with all those things, raising kids is tiring. You want the two people (or however many) pretty clear and firm in wanting to have children. Being scared is OK, btw. Being afraid isn’t really a “no.” 

You might want to neutrally (back off your righteousness) ask him why he is hesitant in having kids. And shut up and let him answer. You ask this question judgmentally and you'll get b.s. Ask the question with curiosity and calm-- non-judgmentally!-- and you might find out some important information about your hubby. First figure out what he’s afraid of. Don’t try to change his mind! At least not in the initial talks. 

You want to check to make sure you’re not ignoring important parts of your husband’s emotional makeup and his view of life and family. It’s very easy for married people in the first ten years to blind themselves to parts of their partner that they don’t want to see. Very easy to do. I remember a conversation with.a college buddy at the wedding of another college buddy. My buddy was saying, "My wife is an introvert. How did I not know she was an introvert?!! It was ten years into the marriage before learned–maybe the real verb is “accepted”--that his wife was an introvert. 

Another male friend of mine got out of his wife similar words to what you get out of your husband. (My buddy definitely wanted to have kids.) When the time came, when they needed to have children (by age), his wife decided no. It was a hard, firm no. My buddy devastated--I think he felt betrayed. (Honestly, I didn't see his wife as all that maternal in the first place.) Their marriage hit the rocks hard. They did recover but it took several years of couples therapy. 

 

[Els]

On 8/29/2025 at 10:18 AM, Anonymous said:

That said, have also the feeling he is not taking seriously the "try to have kids" and does not seem to understand the fact that each month there are certain days he must be more proactive. I don't know how to talk him into this.

If you need to "talk him" into conceiving the child, how exactly do you think things will go when you expect him to do the actual parenting? 

If you really want to have kids, then you need to look for a partner who is as invested in having kids as you are. Nobody should be pressured into having kids when they're not sure - and it certainly sounds like he's at the very least not sure, if not against it.

Edited Monday at 09:21 AM by Els