He won’t tell anyone about me

[Sadhbh13]

My marriage broke up when I was 48, 11 years ago. I dated a few guys, and then gave up, I didn’t find that I had any connection with any of them. At the age of 52, I decided to go online. I met a man there who I really liked initially, felt really attracted to physically and intellectually and in the intervening period we have grown to love each other over the last 7 1/2 years. We had amazing sex to begin with, full of passion. We still have great sex, though it has cooled slightly. I am not at all bothered about that, I still find it really fulfilling and hot.  We do not live together he has his own place and I have mine. Neither of us wants to remarry. Both of us just want a relationship and to spend time together.  We are financially independent of each other, but he is an incredibly generous man in a material sense. I’m am not a materialistic person, I really do like to live simply, but I understand that gift giving is his way of showing his love.

All that sounds perfect - but there is a problem that has been eating me up. He has never told anyone about me. He has not told his siblings or his children. He says his reason is because his ex-wife is very passive aggressive and would turn  his kids against him. His kids are grown-up at 21 and 25 years old.

I, however,  have told my kids (3of them, in their 20s)  and my very large family about him. He has met them (and he really likes them) and they also really like him. He has come to family events such as weddings and christenings, and graduations on my side.  He always takes it for granted that he will be with me at all family events. I like him being there, I like him being part of my life, but I am baffled about his attitude to acknowledging and owning our relationship to his family and friends.

Last Christmas on our seventh year anniversary of meeting up, I asked him about it again. He got very irate with me and told me that if I ever put him in a position where he has to choose between me and his kids (who are 21 and 25) that he will have no hesitation in making the right decision. He said it very ominously, shaking his head, and I was really stung.  It felt like a threat. He also told me that I was not to bring up the subject with him again.
 

I would be really interested to hear back from other people, men and women, what they think about this. To save confusion, I want to state that he is genuinely divorced from his wife. I have seen his divorce decree and I am a family lawyer myself so I know what one looks like. I have also spent significant time at his apartment, where he lives alone, except when his sons come to visit him. I can go there any time. He has given me a key but he lets me know when his sons are there, or other family members. When that is the case, I am not allowed to go there.I do not know what I should think or feel about this.  I have thought about it so much that I have lost all objectivity or ability to see the forest for the trees! 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I was in a similar situation. 

I was dating a woman who was deeply involved in a hobby where people need partners to really get good at the hobby. My ex was high-level into the hobby, a teacher actually.

She wouldn't tell her (male) hobby partner for a long time. That really upset me. So yes, I think you have the right to be upset and to be suspicious. 

My ex turned out to be very immature--and this failure to tell her partner was a red flag indicating such. The only reason I could think of why she didn't tell her partner was because he was a guy and he might have had a crush on her. She definitely didn't have a crush on him. There are people like that--who love to sorta keep the romance lines open--by not telling opposite-sex friends that they are dating someone. Later, I learned that she just really had a lot of interpersonal problems, setting limits and boundaries, standing up for herself, getting pulled into other people's expectations of her. 

In your case, I would definitely be alarmed that he hasn't told his family, like his children. There is some kind of deep dysfunction in your partner and/or in the family. He's blaming it on his ex. No, I'm not buying that. If I'm in a serious relationship with someone, acknowledging me (and you in this case) is important. So yeah, I'd be unhappy. And him getting mad at you for bringing this up, that's really disrespectful and dismissive in my view. 

The thing this guy isn't thinking about (or I hate to say worst case he IS thinking about) is that cordoning you off from his family and friends is the way people having affairs operate. Don't feel guilty at all for being suspicious. 

Now, I just re-read your message. My mouth is open. I originally thought you said seven and a half MONTHS. No, it's years.

OMG, stand up for yourself. Dump this guy if you need to. Why have you put up with this foolishness as long as you have?!

 

 

[Gebidozo]

I understand not yet telling close relatives about your relationship for 7 1/2 months. But surely not years?..

I understand not arranging a meeting between you and the relatives, fearing bad blood. But not even telling anything about a romantic partner of several years? That’s too much.

Threatening you simply because you made a very understandable and legitimate request is not okay. You didn’t ask him to stop seeing his kids. You only asked him to tell them about you.

I don’t know what to advise you, I understand that he is otherwise a great guy and you care for him a lot, but I think his behavior in this one respect is strange and radical.

 

Edited August 29 by Gebidozo

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Sadhbh13 said:

He got very irate with me and told me that if I ever put him in a position where he has to choose between me and his kids (who are 21 and 25) that he will have no hesitation in making the right decision. He said it very ominously, shaking his head, and I was really stung.  It felt like a threat. He also told me that I was not to bring up the subject with him again.

No. No, no, nope. 

I would not accept this any longer. He is being ridiculous and incredibly disrespectful to you. He expects to be part of your bigger life, but you aren't part of his. His people have no idea you even exist. Now you are not even supposed to ask him about this anymore,

This man would be gone from my life before the sun goes down today. He is hiding something. 

Why have you gone along with this? 

[Sadhbh13]

I suppose I sort of let it slide, and I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. He is a much more forceful personality than I am and I guess I have lacked the courage and the self-confidence to pursue this with him. This is partly because other aspects of our relationship are so good. He is really intelligent and witty, he always makes me laugh so much, the sex is fantastic and he makes me feel loved on other levels. Of course I totally accept your point of view. I have been letting this go on too long and showing a lack of self-respect..  Thank you for taking the time to respond, when I said I wanted the opinions of others, I really meant it, and I’m very grateful for it.

Edited August 29 by Sadhbh13

[BaileyB]

I could understand his reluctance when you first met and his kids were 14 and 18. But, this is now an established, long term relationship. And, his kids are now adults and they should not be so easily influenced by his ex-wife. 

Someone once told me - kids want to see their parents happy. I think there is a lot of wisdom in this - it has certainly proven true in my own life. If this man is in a long term relationship that brings him happiness, companionship, and joy - would his kids not accept and be grateful for that? 

There is something more going on here. As was said above, it’s not fair that he would expect you to share your family life with him and not offer the same in return. And - the comment that you are not allowed to bring it up again… at best, it’s manipulative (gaslighting) and at worst, it’s a veiled threat. I would not be ok with that. 

This relationship meets your needs in many ways but you have a few things to discuss and work out… good luck. 

Edited August 29 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Surely 21 and 25 year olds can handle that their divorced father is dating someone.  My 6, 8 and 3 year old nieces and nephews have already accepted and like their father's new girlfriend after his divorce.

[ExpatInItaly]

And really, how do you think his kids would feel finding out Dad has had a whole-arse relationship for years on end that they knew nothing about?

[S2B]

So this relationship Inly continues as long as you are the hidden secret? No way I would allow it to continue one minute longer given that he’s had more than 7 years of your time!

it convenient for him because you’ve agreed to being hidden.

something is wrong with his scenario if he can’t show you as his partner after even a year of being together. This guy still hands too much of his power to his so called ex wife!

i would end it immediately!

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And really, how do you think his kids would feel finding out Dad has had a whole-arse relationship for years on end that they knew nothing about?

We obviously don’t know the dynamics here… but, I would be super hurt to learn that my Dad didn’t trust me enough to tell me about something as important as the fact that he’s been on a long term relationship. 

In much the same way that he is gatekeeping you from his family, he is also not sharing something really important about himself with his kids - I don’t understand the justification of that…

[Sadhbh13]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post. It has helped  me to recalibrate myself, and I feel I am in a much healthier place now. I intend to break up with him. I intend it anyway, even if he offered to let me into his life tomorrow. I know that I am too hurt by being shut out for all these years. The cost of the personal pain associated with this exceeds the pleasure that I have in the relationship. I do love him but I know now that that love is not reciprocated, or at least it is not reciprocated in a way that I need it to be. 
 

 

[BaileyB]

I’m very sorry that it has come to this. 

Personally, I would end it for two reasons. First, there is the pain of being shut out for such a long period of time. And then, there is the way that he spoke to you - dismissed your feelings and shut you down with his threat - when you tried to talk with him about the situation. 

Wishing you all the best as you move forward.

Edited August 30 by BaileyB