niteowl Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 I am desperatley seeking anyone who will listen to my story and offer an unbiased opinion..I am begining to feel as though I am losing my mind. If you decide to continue on, I thank you. I'm in my 30's and was engaged to the "man of my dreams"--my best friend--for about 11 months( 3 yrs total together, friends first), planning a spring wedding. I came home from work 13 days ago and he was gone...he had packed up all his things and left. It delt like he died. He did leave a note that to me sounded like a bunch of excuses, saying things like I was no fun anymore...and on and on...that I was always stressed...(true, BUT...planning a wedding with limited $ was not easy, so yes, I was stressed and probably didn't handle it well) We NEVER fought....actually quite the opposite...we just quit talking recently...and I have no idea why. I wish we would've had a knock down, drag out battle, at least then I could understand this. I accept my resposibility for my actios (being stressed-not talking) but I can't pinpoint the exact reason for us not really talking..I didn't fall out of love or anything like that.... Anyway, let me add that I NEVER saw this coming. I have kids from a previous long term relationship (he was like a dad to them, they couldn't wait for him to be thier step-dad), he dropped them off at the sitters, packed his stuff and left. He has destroyed our little world here. The kids are completely confused....and hurt. It kills me to think that he would give up on our realtionship so easy, over a few weeks of stress...what is he thinking?? He was my best friend, how could he be so creul?? I do know now that he had been 'talking' with his family about this , so I guess he planned it for about 2 weeks. I am angry they got involved. He did call 2 days later and we talked and talked and talked - A LOT. I never got a real answer why-just said he was sorry. We agreed that we wanted it to work, though he had moved about 4 hrs away...to mom's. (who by the way, he told me, has made me the bad guy in this, she now doesn't want us together, though I was the bees knees before-he told me she disapproves now) Then one day his attitude completely changed, and I haven't heard from him since...and I haven't really slept since. I haven't eaten much at all, and I'm begining to cry in front of the kids, co-workers....SO NOT MY STYLE. This story could go on and on...and thank you for 'listening'. I feel like I can't bug my friends with this anymore, though they have been wonderful. I need something- anything for a tiny peace of mind, so that I can actually get to rest. I hate being at home, I hate going to work, I'm very sad. When will this end?? Do I have any chance of him coming back?? If he called now I'd drop everything...I still love him. I actually do see some of the issues here...I'm not completely blind..I am just looking for some support and advice on HOW to start to heal, or HOW to remedy this...what can I do?? Thank you again.
witabix Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Take your heart in your hands and care for it. Thats all I can offer from my perspective. That and my empathy. Take solace in your kids and those around you. No one can love you like your children. Believe me.
DevinWolfe Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You can't be hard on yourself for this by excusing what he did base don your stress. He should have helped you through it rather than run from it. It really sounds to me like he has a commitment phobia. Did he ever show any signs of not really wanting to be married or kind of hesitant to propose?
Author niteowl Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 to answer the question, no, he jumped right in to commitment. I was the one leery at first, but I let go of all trust issues and jumped right in too. Now I feel it'll be twic as hard to trust anyone again.... And, he actually proposed earlier than he had wanted because he said he couldn't wait.... and thanks for the reply...every little bit helps
Billib2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Forget him I have kids too forget him.. The loser he didn't even have the heart to say what he felt to your face the coward.. Forgotten..remember the good times and then for get his arse..
In Sync Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 niteowl, I offer you my empathy but please forget this loser. Please do not ever EVER contact this man again. He is nothing more than a emotinal con artist and has left you in the worst way. After how he has treated you and your kids, why I ask you would you ever consider speaking to this man again. His actions were cruel and thoughtless. Why would you want this man anywhere near your kids now? Could you really marry this man after what he's done. Could you look at him in the eyes and ever trust him again. There are no words he could possibly say that could make up for his actions the way I see it. At some point in each of our lives we must refuse to accept being mistreated by losers and wake up and smell the fumes...walk away from this experience and be grateful everyday of your life you did not end up marrying him!
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 wow what a terrible thing to have happen to you and your children. please take care of your heart and theirs. do good things for yourself and your family. there is nothing you can do to change what has happened, it is like a blot or a death, even if he came back how could you trust him not to do this again. but there is a good side. what if you had married and he were to do this afterwards? much better that it happened now and also at least you are not playing a back-and-forth game either. this is a clean break, pretty much. it's better that way-- although it cuts like a knife, at least its not a slow grind down to nothing. he must have had real fears and doubts about the relationship or responsibilities. it's hard to say why he did it and often one never gets those answers. the hardest part is the shock and that to get over it means acceptance. going from dreams and plans to starting over from scratch. but you are strong and this will be over. it may take some months but you can put it behind you. right now you need lots of emotional support, get it here, from friends and wherever you can.
Author niteowl Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 I cannot thank you all enough for the insight and support. This weekend has been very very difficult. I promised the kids we'd do something tomorrow, just not sure what yet..they want to go bowling. I still can't sleep so I've been a little tired, which I think makes the emotional end of this even more difficult--I swear the tears come easier when I'm tired. You all have such good points about the trust issues. I agree completely. Would I ever be able to trust him again?? Doubt it..and what kind of life would that be?? I know it'll take time...and I know the tears WILL stop at some point (even if it's from dehydration <attempt at comic relief-lol>) So, I'm going to try to relax tonight, kids are in bed and HOPEFULLY I will get some sleep.... Thank you all again..... nite
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