ms_jnj Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Well, I'm pretty sure that I have been dumped on the account of sex, or lack there of. First, let me explain my preferences when it comes to intimatcy. I am not a wait-until-marriage girl, nor a sex-on-the-first-date girl (or second or third too). Those are both perfectly fine, just not my particular preference. I prefer somewhere in the middle --in an established, pre-marriage relationship. I should also add here that I am not very experienced so that is part of why I prefer to wait until I know the guy better. So I met a guy off of Craig's List (i.e internet -- a little embarassed by that but oh well) He was articulate, funny, talkative and polite. He opened doors and paid for meals (though I offere to pay my own way). We had a lot in common, including our careers. He plays guitar and at an open mic night he dedicated a song to me over the radio. He is also very good looking. Things were going well. Then the fourth date occured. The guitar-playing date. We did open mic night, ate dinner, went out for a beer. Walked by the waterfront. And then he asks me if I want to go skiing the next morning. I could not because a) I worked and b) I am remodeling my room and my ski clothes were packed away in god only knows what box behind all the furniture I had to take out of the room. I polietly declined but said that I'd love to go next week on my day off when I could get to my things. He jumps right in with "well you should skip work, spend the night at my house, and in the morning you can use my clothes." Now, considering this is the fourth time I have ever seen this guy, I am not too keen on this idea. It is never a good idea to do any type of sporting event with someone you are interested in when you have no clean underwear or deodorant. And I find it a little wierd to use his clothes. Plus, I really can't skip work because the project I have been working on for months is due the 20th of this month, and it is not as close to being done as it should be. I explain to him the latter, and then say that I'm really not very comfortable with spending the night at his house and wearing his clothes. But he refuses to give up, he pesters me for the next half an hour. I am very even-tempered, but I was starting to get really annoyed. So finally I give him a rather sharp "No, I'm REALLY not comfortable with that." He pauses for a moment, gets sullen and pouts a while. I try to make small talk to no avail. Then he busts out with "Well why don't you just spend the night at my house and then go to work in the morning?" Suddenly a light goes on in my head. He is not really that obsessed with skiing, he wants to get some booty at his place. Little slow to pick up on that one --duh. That's fine that he wants that, but I don't yet. So I say to him "Well that is exactly what I am not comfortable with, you know? Not yet anyway." He becomes silent and the pouting intesnifies. I again try to make small talk to which he grunts until he comes up with his next idea. In a half-joking, half-not manner he says "Well we could go park somewhere and make out." Alright, this man is 25 years old. I am 22 years old. I have not parked to "make out" since I was like 16. If I was 16 and he was 16/17/18, this would probably sound like a good idea. But from a 25 year old man it sounds....silly. I just give him a look, shake my head and laugh. And he pouts again. At this point we are in the car (he's giving me a ride back to where I parked)And the converation is one sided (me). Finally I say "You know, I'm not a total stick in the mud, I just feel like I don't know you that well yet. It takes me some time to become comfortable enough with someone to be...adventureous and intimate." He appears to be a encouraged by this, and says. "Ok. Why don't we go dancing next saturday?" I agree, this sounds fun. We make the date and time, I give him a kiss and go to my car. Although still mildly annoyed, I am pretty sure the situation is diffused. Then the day we were supposed to go dancing I get a voice mail from him canceling....due to school work. (we're both in graduate school) Which COULD be true, but.......seems a bit weak. I call him to tell him that I got the message and there is no answer. I leave a message wishing him good luck with this "emergency school work" and telling him we should reschedule. Not wanting to bother him further I send him an email suggesting we got see some live music the next week. Nothing. I have not heard from him since. This comes from talking to him almost every day to....nothing, no response to my phone call or email. I believe I have been dumped because I did not put out. I am frustrated. Not devistated, as I had only seen him 4 times but... I am in one of those dangerously pessimistic moods where I am thinking that I will be alone forever becase I do not believe that men who do not drink to excess, do not go out to the bars 7 days a week, are actually interested in more than just sex, but the same time are fun and not into waiting for marriage for sex, actually exist. Plus Seattle has all the decent young singles and I live an hour South in Tacoma, and the only single men in Tacoma are 49 with a fetish for women with foul foot odor. (I'm not even kidding). He was almost perfect in every other way, but he just could not stand to wait another month or so for sex. It wasn't like it wasn't going to happen in a few weeks....he was too hot to resist any longer than that! And if he lacks that patience, I have to question how much he really cared at all. Anyway, this was half an update on my oh-so-exciting love life and half a rant. Feel free to post about jerky guys you have dated to make me feel better I suppose you can also yell at me for being a prude too, if you are a dude that can't wait a month to have sex with a new person. **Oops, title supped to be "how" not "hot."
Lucasarts Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 hahahaha sick story, i guess the guy really wanted a backseat banger anyways i would wait a month wit a chick if i really liked her, but after the 3rd month its starting to be like...uh wtf? so you werent wrong or anythin to decline, you're just not a sl*t like some of the other girls he's gotten with. plus he sounds like a loser, pouting and all...
magda Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Lame. Good on you for weeding out the weirdo before he became the weirdo you regret!
Gator762 Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Yeah, all the pouting was really lame. Don't fret too much, it sounds like he was being really nice to get to the booty, otherwise he would have been still calling you. It would probably have been the same after sex, except you would be way more hurt!
krbshappy71 Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 oh UGH. I'm glad you found out about him early. What an obvious dork. LOL! There's nothing wrong with holding back for awhile to see if this person is worth your time/effort. He can find his booty call somewhere else, if that's what he is looking for, fine, but he missed out on the real-deal-chick who would be willing to go the distance with the right guy. *shrug* He must not be ready for that yet. Keep on dating, each one of these just gets you closer to what you are really looking for.
Neptune Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Withholding booty pays big dividends for a woman. It is a shame more women don`t wise up. The only reason they don`t is because they get horny. The reason they get horny is because they have no sexual disipline. Something that is immeasurably important and valuble to a woman. The words sexual disipline are almost obsolete nowadays. The longer you withhold, the more valuble you become ms jnj. That is an immutable law which women nowadays have not a clue about. I am glad you did what you did. If I were 30 years younger I would probably try to charm you.
Weye Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 The guy sounds like a loser and a crybaby. Did he really think pouting was going to change your mind? A real man would have accepted your decision politely, instead of getting all worked up. ms_jnj, you're better off without this guy. His *reaction* was way out of line, his intentions however, were not. I know I'm going to get flamed for this but, reality is, most guys are not going to wait 3-4 months for sex. If he's taking oyu out, paying for dates, and still not gettin any, he'll feel like the one whose been taken advantage of. If you're going to wait until your in the middle of a relationship headed towards marriage before giving any sex, you can expect to get dumped right and left. I'm not saying its a good or a bad thing, its just reality. All men want sex, end of story. Its human nature. The guys on this web board won't admit this to avoid losing face, but every single man on this earth is looking to get some. The dividends withholding booty is going to pay is making you into a bottom sweeper. Go for a guy you don't think is has any other options. 49 with a fetish for women with foul foot odor kinda thing.
Blackard Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 I am not a wait-until-marriage girl, nor a sex-on-the-first-date girl (or second or third too). Those are both perfectly fine, just not my particular preference. I prefer somewhere in the middle --in an established, pre-marriage relationship. I should also add here that I am not very experienced so that is part of why I prefer to wait until I know the guy better. Don't ever change this. Very rare to find younger girls today who still maintain some type of restraint, self respect (in being selective) in regard to sex. Its a good trait, and though most are oblivious to this fact, something that matters to men of worth. He opened doors and paid for meals (though I offere to pay my own way). We had a lot in common, including our careers. He plays guitar and at an open mic night he dedicated a song to me over the radio. He is also very good looking. Things were going well. Change this fast. Its sort of like a guy who looks for a woman who will do his laundry. You can find her, but she is going to have equal expectations of the guy in regard to classic "men's roles". A guy who will do the butler thing, pay for dates is a guy who is going to expect something after his investment. THAT is why he is doing it. Its the classic Disney adventure-the prince always gets the girl and it is VERY, EXTREMELY rare that you will not find a guy, who follows this rote learned behavior, who will not end up demonstrating some type of expectation, dominance, dysfunction. Hell, the examples are laid out all over this board on a daily basis. You want a good man? Drop your hook in the right pond. Can't catch a bass in a trout pond.
Neptune Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Quote Weye If he's taking oyu out, paying for dates, and still not gettin any, he'll feel like the one whose been taken advantage of. If you're going to wait until your in the middle of a relationship headed towards marriage before giving any sex, you can expect to get dumped right and left. Here is the misperception. If a guy feels that he is taking a girl out, paying for dates and not getting any, then he should move on. Because he is making an investment for sex that is not paying off. He wins, and if the girl is looking for a real man, she wins too. She is better off without a guy trying to buy sex. A relationship should be two sided from the start. Expensive dates are just expensive. They are not necessary for two people to get to know each other. Even if a guy really likes a girl and he is willing to wait a long, long time for sex, it should not be a one sided equation for him. If it is he should be concerned about it. The idea of a girl getting dumped repeatedly because she won`t put out may be true. I really don`t know how it is for the under 25 crowd at the moment. But if it is true, then I still say that is all the more reason to withold. Better to be ready when one out of a thousand comes along rather than being some horndogs booty call of the moment and missing a real man.
Outcast Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Better to be ready when one out of a thousand comes along rather than being some horndogs booty call of the moment and missing a real man. AMEN, Brothah! I fear it's more like one out of ten thousand but anyway..
Rebellious Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Nobody can read minds. Your assumptions about the reasons why you were dumped could be mere fantasy or wishful thinking.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I am glad you did what you did. If I were 30 years younger I would probably try to charm you. Awe, Neptune, thanks! You'd think if it made me more valuable, then more men would call back when they didn't get sex right away......but maybe this is a good weeding out process, no?
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Yeah Blackard, I think he thought the whole song dedication thing was going to get him some. Though to clear things up a bit, although he did pay for the dates at first, I became uncomfotable with this and ended up paying for both of us for the last two dates....which now that I think about it means we actually came out even in the end.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Nobody can read minds. Your assumptions about the reasons why you were dumped could be mere fantasy or wishful thinking. True, he did not actually say "I am dumping you because you won't come to my house now and have sex with me." But the whole "Why don't you come spend the night at my house" followed by harcore pouting at my polite refusal and likewise polite explanation paints a pretty decent picture. I don't think he was pouting because he really wanted me to admire the fabulous fabric of his couch or anything. But yes, technically you are right, he did not actually say that he was upset that I would not have sex with him so I suppose it could have been over something else entirely. Though I'd think if I was inclined to fantasy or wishful thinking I would believe the reason he dumped me was beacause I was so beautiful that I intimidated him. Now that would be fantastical and wishful.
Weye Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Better to be ready when one out of a thousand comes along rather than being some horndogs booty call of the moment and missing a real man. AMEN, Brothah! I fear it's more like one out of ten thousand but anyway.. It probably is one of of some-thousand. These aren't good odds for any girl. I don't think the man who is willing to wait months at a time for sex is necessarity better than the vast majority who are not. When such a man does come along, its probably just because he has an abnormaly low sex-drive. There is nothing wrong with a guy who wants sex (girls too). Its hard-wired into our brains. Sex isn't sinful. Its a beautiful thing that two people can share. Any 'real man' is going to accept who and what he is, rather than trying to pretend he's someone he's not. He will admit and embrace his sexual desire.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Weye -- Hey your honesty is appreciated. And actually you have a decent point, in that I was most unimpressed by the pouting and "well-don't-you-think-I-deserve-it-by-now" attitude. I would not be upset if he would have straight out said something like, "I think you're a beautiful girl, and I'd love to take you home tonight." If he had said that I would have been able to have a straight up and honest talk with him about my comfort level. At the very least I would have to know a little about any given guy's sexual history, just because I am STD free and would need to seriously think about things if he were not. Etc, etc, etc... But if he had approached things like that and we had talked about it honestly, my comfort level with him and my respect for him (directness, honesty etc) would have risen to the point, where you know...maybe I would have gone home with him. Or at least it would have been very soon in coming. Mostly, I was just not about to sleep with a guy who hinted, beat around the bush and then pouted...I mean we're adults, let's just talk about sex straight out.
mel777 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Well, I'm pretty sure that I have been dumped on the account of sex, or lack there of. First, let me explain my preferences when it comes to intimatcy. I am not a wait-until-marriage girl, nor a sex-on-the-first-date girl (or second or third too). Those are both perfectly fine, just not my particular preference. I prefer somewhere in the middle --in an established, pre-marriage relationship. ." Excuse me if my questions are too in depth but 1. How long of time is an established pre-marriage relationship? Is if after you have the talk neithe rone of you is dating nayone else or or is it when you have discussed what your childrne would look like :-) 2. Do you do other things (oral, etc) before having sex or is that out until the pre-marriage relationship.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Excuse me if my questions are too in depth but 1. How long of time is an established pre-marriage relationship? Is if after you have the talk neithe rone of you is dating nayone else or or is it when you have discussed what your childrne would look like :-) 2. Do you do other things (oral, etc) before having sex or is that out until the pre-marriage relationship. 1. Noooo talking about what the kids would look like, lol. I mean like two or three months of dating. Not years or anything. I like sex and all I'd just like to know a bit about the person first befor I jump into bed with them. 2. Other things are fine, although oral isn't going to happen on the first or second date either. I am a little shy about initiating the first few intense make-out ( I hate that term but can't think of anything else) sessions, but in general, I'm all for them.
Curt Posted January 17, 2006 Moderators Posted January 17, 2006 You appear to not only to be an extremely attractive, intelligent woman, but one with guiding morals and ethics that are second to none. Take it from me, women like you are difficult (if not impossible) to find. Don't worry about him. You are worthy of much more than he may be able to offer you right now. Curt
boshemia Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Beware the three date rule... It's this increasingly common theory that sex is supposed to happen after three dates. Some guys are now dating banking on this fact. They are just sitting out the first three dates as good guys so they can get what they really want. I didn't know about it either... I had to be told. I've even noticed references to it in a few movies. Make him wait longer, (which you did) if he was a three dater you did the right thing. And hey... if a guy wants to buy me a steak because he thinks he is going to get something go for it. Unless I flat out told him I was giving it up then he is just assuming something and it's not my fault. I am usually very up front with guys... Don't feel guilty for not repaying him with sex, if he is keeping score then all you really owe him is a nice dinner.
Deirdre Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Don't feel guilty for not repaying him with sex, if he is keeping score then all you really owe him is a nice dinner. so agreed on that. in fact i think guys who paid for a couple of dates expecting sex and turned nasty if they dont are a major turn-off. wanting sex and not respecting the girl is quite a different deal altogether. the right guy should have the courtesy of waiting until she is comfortable.
Neptune Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 There is nothing wrong with a guy who wants sex (girls too). Its hard-wired into our brains. Sex isn't sinful. Its a beautiful thing that two people can share. Any 'real man' is going to accept who and what he is, rather than trying to pretend he's someone he's not. He will admit and embrace his sexual desire. While there is nothing wrong with this guys do not go to a woman like ms jnj and say this. They keep their intentions secret. She has already said herself if this were the case that would be more appreciated than some pretense of interest with a hidden intention of scoring some poontang. The guy gets mad because HE doesn`t get what HE wants when HE wants it. Never mind the woman in front of him. His selfcentered nature is entirely focused on what he wants and is not upfront about what his expectations are.
Cecelius Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I think this is just a place where you say he didn't do it for you. You didn't do anything wrong (you have standards, and standards makes you better than many out there who will flex and flex for the "right" person), he FAILED to do something right (for whatever reason, he just didn't get you comfortable on that front -- that's his problem, not yours).
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 You appear to not only to be an extremely attractive, intelligent woman, but one with guiding morals and ethics that are second to none. Take it from me, women like you are difficult (if not impossible) to find. Don't worry about him. You are worthy of much more than he may be able to offer you right now. Curt Thank you for the compliments! I guess I just have to wait until I find someone that can respect my vaules even if they don't agree with them. That is the mark of a real man if you ask me.
Author ms_jnj Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 The guy gets mad because HE doesn`t get what HE wants when HE wants it. Never mind the woman in front of him. His selfcentered nature is entirely focused on what he wants and is not upfront about what his expectations are. Yeah this is part of the problem --- the whole situation just provided insight into the type of person he was. He wanted what he wanted and he was going to pout if he didn't get it. That's what irritated me. I'm not a mommy and don't want to be just yet. When I start feeling like the guy needs a time out, things aren't going so well. Plus he just beat around the bush, like I was supposed to just know what he wanted and give in immediately, with no talk on the matter. I feel like, if you want something from me, ask in a polite manner and the chances are very likely that you will get it. Hint and pout and I will probably say no even if I want to because that is so immature and turns me off.
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