Was I the side guy all along?

[Foolforlove82]

Started dating this woman(a coworker) almost a year ago. Great chemistry, felt right, got along, and thought we had a future. She is a little older, a widow, and looking for something permanent. I told her I simply wanted to get to know her better and see what happens. Over time, it felt so right and it seemed like we could make it happen. I am separated and have a special needs kid so I have a lot on my plate, but it wasn't a problem.

A couple months in, she would start texting all the time during our dates and I happened to see one while approaching her from the back. It said, "miss you, come over?", which she replied, "miss you too". I thought it was odd and asked her, and she said it was her ex. She had previously stated that she told him about me so I told her it was odd that this was going on and it made me uncomfortable. She told me I was being jealous. Well, two days later, her truck was at his house(he lives very close to our work). I called her on it and she denied it and was upset I'd even accuse her. Then the next day, it was there again. We had a trip planned for that week but after the second time, she simply ghosted me and we didn't go on out trip. So the next time we worked together, I wanted answers. She said she thought I was going to break up with her and didn't want to go through that. She also said she went on a trip with him at the same time we were supposed to. She said I had the wrong idea and that she wanted to be with me. Like an idiot, I forgave her and said I wanted to make it right.

Things were ok for a while but once again, she went to his house. I didn't confront her but she came out and said that she went over to get money from him. I wasn't happy about this and told her I couldn't trust her anymore. again, she told me I had the wrong idea. 

After a couple more(suspicious) months, she came to me and said she hadn't been all in the whole time but now she was. That she had been seeing both of us but only wanted to see me now(not exactly comforting words). I told her if she wants to be with me that she needs to sever contact with him as I won't live like this. She agreed and things were great for a little bit. maybe a month later, she said she had to go to his place to feed his cats. Of course this upset me but again she said I had no reason to be suspicious. Over the summer, my son had some escalating behavior issues, so I became a little preoccupied and we didn't spend as much time together. She told me she wanted a ring from me. I told her I had to get my sons issues under control before I could pull that trigger, but that I also needed the other guy to be GONE before I would commit to that. she said he was planning on moving away and it wasn't an issue.

I had again noticed the texts in his name coming in on her phone in front of me. I didn't say anything as I was exhausted over the whole subject and I put the rose colored glasses on. A couple weeks ago, she stated she didn't know if she could continue with my son having the issues he's having, which I understood. I told her it is a process and it may take some time but that I love her and want to make it work. She agreed and we had a great week. Well, she gave it all of a week before telling me she was too impatient to wait and see if he gets better and wants to move on. At this point, I knew there was nothing to fight for so I told her I knew she was cheating again. She told me she felt cornered and that no one tells her what to do, so that's why she kept seeing him. 

Looking back, I was foolish to give her so many chances. I felt bad for her losing her husband and always held back my anger for what she was doing. It's obvious she never viewed me as a partner as one would not do this. I truly am a fool for love...

[smackie9]

She's so manipulative, a liar, self centred and a cheater. With behaviour like that she's not new to this. This is who she is as a person. The moment you saw that first text and her gaslighting you like that, you should have just walked away.

Just a note: When they call you jealous or turn the blame on you, that's called projecting. When they do that, they are guilty as hell.

Edited August 27 by smackie9

[Gebidozo]

Yes, of course you were the side guy all along.

She is a chronic liar and cheater. I don’t understand why you gave her so many chances when she repeatedly blew them.

I hope you broke up with her? You can’t be in a relationship with such a person.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is a piece of work. You were definitely not the only man she was dating. 

I would spend less time lamenting over her shenanigans, though , and more time figuring out why you accepted this for so long. It is very concerning that you stuck around even when you saw very clearly what she was up to. That isn't about love. There is something else inside you that needs fixing or this will happen again. 

[Foolforlove82]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman is a piece of work. You were definitely not the only man she was dating. 

I would spend less time lamenting over her shenanigans, though , and more time figuring out why you accepted this for so long. It is very concerning that you stuck around even when you saw very clearly what she was up to. That isn't about love. There is something else inside you that needs fixing or this will happen again. 

You're right. I should've been gone long before all this but I figured she offered something I couldn't get elsewhere and kept taking the good with the bad.

[Foolforlove82]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, of course you were the side guy all along.

She is a chronic liar and cheater. I don’t understand why you gave her so many chances when she repeatedly blew them.

I hope you broke up with her? You can’t be in a relationship with such a person.

 

We are not together. She used my sons illness as an excuse to end things but I know what was really going on

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Foolforlove82 said:

she offered something I couldn't get elsewhere

Which was what? 

[Sanch62]

Oh, c'mon. You learned early on that she was an un-trust-worthy train wreck. Pretending to be surprised by that today doesn't serve you well. Self-honesty is your friend.

[Foolforlove82]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Oh, c'mon. You learned early on that she was an un-trust-worthy train wreck. Pretending to be surprised by that today doesn't serve you well. Self-honesty is your friend.

Not exactly surprised. And yes, I realize I allowed it to happen

[French Flow]

On 8/27/2025 at 7:24 PM, Foolforlove82 said:

Started dating this woman(a coworker) almost a year ago. Great chemistry, felt right, got along, and thought we had a future. She is a little older, a widow, and looking for something permanent. I told her I simply wanted to get to know her better and see what happens. Over time, it felt so right and it seemed like we could make it happen. I am separated and have a special needs kid so I have a lot on my plate, but it wasn't a problem.

A couple months in, she would start texting all the time during our dates and I happened to see one while approaching her from the back. It said, "miss you, come over?", which she replied, "miss you too". I thought it was odd and asked her, and she said it was her ex. She had previously stated that she told him about me so I told her it was odd that this was going on and it made me uncomfortable. She told me I was being jealous. Well, two days later, her truck was at his house(he lives very close to our work). I called her on it and she denied it and was upset I'd even accuse her. Then the next day, it was there again. We had a trip planned for that week but after the second time, she simply ghosted me and we didn't go on out trip. So the next time we worked together, I wanted answers. She said she thought I was going to break up with her and didn't want to go through that. She also said she went on a trip with him at the same time we were supposed to. She said I had the wrong idea and that she wanted to be with me. Like an idiot, I forgave her and said I wanted to make it right.

Things were ok for a while but once again, she went to his house. I didn't confront her but she came out and said that she went over to get money from him. I wasn't happy about this and told her I couldn't trust her anymore. again, she told me I had the wrong idea. 

After a couple more(suspicious) months, she came to me and said she hadn't been all in the whole time but now she was. That she had been seeing both of us but only wanted to see me now(not exactly comforting words). I told her if she wants to be with me that she needs to sever contact with him as I won't live like this. She agreed and things were great for a little bit. maybe a month later, she said she had to go to his place to feed his cats. Of course this upset me but again she said I had no reason to be suspicious. Over the summer, my son had some escalating behavior issues, so I became a little preoccupied and we didn't spend as much time together. She told me she wanted a ring from me. I told her I had to get my sons issues under control before I could pull that trigger, but that I also needed the other guy to be GONE before I would commit to that. she said he was planning on moving away and it wasn't an issue.

I had again noticed the texts in his name coming in on her phone in front of me. I didn't say anything as I was exhausted over the whole subject and I put the rose colored glasses on. A couple weeks ago, she stated she didn't know if she could continue with my son having the issues he's having, which I understood. I told her it is a process and it may take some time but that I love her and want to make it work. She agreed and we had a great week. Well, she gave it all of a week before telling me she was too impatient to wait and see if he gets better and wants to move on. At this point, I knew there was nothing to fight for so I told her I knew she was cheating again. She told me she felt cornered and that no one tells her what to do, so that's why she kept seeing him. 

Looking back, I was foolish to give her so many chances. I felt bad for her losing her husband and always held back my anger for what she was doing. It's obvious she never viewed me as a partner as one would not do this. I truly am a fool for love...

I can really feel the weight of what you’ve been through here. It’s painful when you give love, patience, and chances, only to realize the other person didn’t see your value the way they should have. That doesn’t make you a fool, it makes you someone who loved deeply, even when it wasn’t returned in kind.

 

What I see in your story isn’t defeat, but a hard-earned lesson. You now know what you won’t tolerate, and you’ve sharpened your awareness of red flags. That’s not weakness , but it could be  growth. Most people repeat cycles without ever learning. You’ve already broken that pattern just by recognizing it.

 

The next step isn’t about beating yourself up, it’s about being more proactive with who you let into your life. Setting clear boundaries early, noticing consistency in words vs actions, and learning to calibrate affection (instead of overgiving) will put you in a position of strength. All of those things  would take a little bit of introspection and self work. If you had to choose just one of those areas to focus on first, which do you think would make the biggest difference for you? Setting boundaries, calibrating your level of affection, or noticing consistency in words and actions?