Should I continue living @ home?

[confused_gf]

Hi guys,
I have been wanting my ex back for ten years. He is a musician and will be performing nearby for the first time in a while and I am hoping we can link back up. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch…I have been seriously down on my luck for quite sometime now. Last year, just as I was about to get a fresh start after catching a felony vandalism charge my wallet got stolen and everything got turned upside down. 

My Dad has been on my butt about getting my ducks in order. A year after struggling with homelessness I am now at my parents. I love my Dad, but I always get very tense when he is around. Almost like when you are at work and the manager walks in. Is this normal? I feel like he is judging my every move from what I eat to where I go. He wants me to be 100% locked down and laser focused on his agenda for me which includes a lot of tasks I find boring and unexcited for.

I don’t think either of my parents got to experience true love. Which is what I felt I had with my ex. I feel like my family wants me to be eternally celibate because they can’t understand my experiences and it feels very unnatural, dysfunctional, and unhealthy (to say that at an adult age I can’t pursue romance). It saddens me that I can’t confide my feelings about my ex without my Dad bashing me,

Today he told me I’m not going to “that concert”. In reality it means so much to me to at least see my love after many years of being apart. Not to mention I am their bands biggest fan.

Should I take my small savings and move out so I can go to this event? Is my Dad abusing his power?

 

 

[Gebidozo]

Yes, what your Dad is doing to you is not okay, and yes, you should move out and generally be independent.

That said, wanting an ex for ten years isn’t normal either. Why did you break up in the first place? He is an ex for a reason. If he were your true love, you’d be together.

 

[basil67]

Considering that you're in your mid 30's and have just got a felony vandalism charge, I don't blame your father for treating you like a child.  You bet he's judging your every move!   If you want the autonomy of an adult, you need to behave like one.   Thing with parents, is that you earn their trust....and if you lose it, you have to re-earn it.    What tasks does your father give you which are completely unreasonable?   Are you aware that most adult tasks are boring and unexciting?

Yes, your dad might bash you about your feelings for your ex, but when you posted about them 5 years ago, a lot of us were trying to redirect your way of thinking about him.  He was little more than a fling and this is more about obsession than love.

Regarding going to the concert, do you actually have the spare cash to do it?   For example, are you comfortably able to pay your dad food and board while you're at his house and still be saving?

Have you got a therapist?  Kindly, I feel you need a quality sounding board to give you the assistance you need.

[ShyViolet]

I think you need to worry less about wanting to get back with your ex, and worry more about getting your life together.  You were homeless and you had a felony charge, and now you are living at home.  No, you don't use your small savings to move out, you get a JOB so you could financially sustain yourself and move out.  Do you have a job?  Or if not what are you doing to better your life and become a productive member of society?

[confused_gf]

22 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Why did you break up in the first place? 

We went out and he told me he loved me and I didn’t have the ovaries to say it back. A month later when I finally worked up the nerve to call him I was a total mess. Job stress, roommate/friend trouble, bad skin, and poor mental health. We were just talking as friends after that but I blocked him because I figured I’d just be over him. That never happened.

btw I like your picture. Polar bears are my fav.

[confused_gf]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

What tasks does your father give you which are completely unreasonable?   Are you aware that most adult tasks are boring and unexciting?

Regarding going to the concert, do you actually have the spare cash to do it?   For example, are you comfortably able to pay your dad food and board while you're at his house and still be saving?

Have you got a therapist?

Yes I am aware but I’m kind of worried about the direction my life is headed under his guidance. I have my bachelors and unfortunately with my record my career is narrowed down quite a bit. I would be following in his footsteps working in tech and I’m not sure it’s for me. Right now I am trying to lose weight put on from a medication I took, plus I don’t like to cook in other peoples kitchen. My plan was to order one healthy meal a day (lots of healthy options) but he forbid me from ordering. Today I had to go on all day “family trip” with him his girlfriend and my little brother and sister and I just felt kind of sad. Like my dad expects me to just third wheel with him and his girlfriend and not have a life of my own.

I have a little bit saved up because I was locked out of my checking account for almost a year. I was getting monthly social security for my disability. I can pay him but he wants me to save.

Currently looking for therapist as well. 

[confused_gf]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 Do you have a job?  Or if not what are you doing to better your life and become a productive member of society?

Looking into jobs and masters programs everyday.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, confused_gf said:

Yes I am aware but I’m kind of worried about the direction my life is headed under his guidance. I have my bachelors and unfortunately with my record my career is narrowed down quite a bit. I would be following in his footsteps working in tech and I’m not sure it’s for me. Right now I am trying to lose weight put on from a medication I took, plus I don’t like to cook in other peoples kitchen. My plan was to order one healthy meal a day (lots of healthy options) but he forbid me from ordering. Today I had to go on all day “family trip” with him his girlfriend and my little brother and sister and I just felt kind of sad. Like my dad expects me to just third wheel with him and his girlfriend and not have a life of my own.

I have a little bit saved up because I was locked out of my checking account for almost a year. I was getting monthly social security for my disability. I can pay him but he wants me to save.

Currently looking for therapist as well. 

Given that you're not working, it would be foolish to find somewhere else to rent.  What happens if you don't find a job and run out of savings?   And I don't know what it's like where you are, but where I am you need to provide evidence of income before you will be considered for a lease.   Do you have any good references as a tenant?

As you're not working and your father is supporting you, I agree with him that you should not be spending money on preprepared meals or concert tickets.  So skip the concert and learn to use his kitchen.  I know you're mad at him, but he's trying to help you dig yourself out of the hole you've put yourself in.   Besides, you really don't have much choice here.

Other than wanting you to cook for yourself or perhaps the two of you, what other "boring" things does he want you to do?   

 

Edited yesterday at 07:25 AM by basil67

[flitzanu]

all the other issues aside, have you even spoken to this ex in ten years?

why do you assume you're going to go to this concert and magically get back together?

[confused_gf]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Other than wanting you to cook for yourself or perhaps the two of you, what other "boring" things does he want you to do?   

Lots of applications. The main one today is applying for passports. He wants me to fly out of the country with my younger brothers and him to his home country on a family heritage trip. He is so excited for it. I’m worried about it. He even suggested that I should stay at his house there and work a job there. I remember him telling me that he preferred I not marry an American guy. So I just feel we are further at odds.

[confused_gf]

9 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

all the other issues aside, have you even spoken to this ex in ten years?

why do you assume you're going to go to this concert and magically get back together?

We spoke briefly last year but I wasn’t really in a place for a relationship. Neither was he.

I have no expectations really just hoping to enjoy the music and catch him if I can.