Should I Email my Ex's Dad to get my stuff back?

[beangirl46]

Hey all,

 

My bf and I broke up and I'm wondering whether to ask for my stuff back. The problem is that I'm not sure if my motivations for asking are correct. I am full of so many mixed feelings, that I'm not sure exactly why I'm asking for my stuff back.

 

On one hand, I think I really do want my stuff back. There is sentimental value attached to my stuff. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm just asking for my stuff back so I can hear from him. The reason I want to hear from him is because at times I feel worried sick about how he's doing post-break up.

 

And there's also another feeling in me: I don't like the idea of my things just sitting in his apartment. He had a gf from a long time ago, who meant something to him, and he has some of her stuff. And I don't like how his ex's stuff just sits there in his apartment because it reminds me of how inactive he is-- how he doesn't take the initiative to make things work with someone, but just holds on to sentimental stuff, crying and accepting it's over. If the stuff means something to you, and she means something to you, I always felt, then do something about it! Make things work! To summarize: I don't want to be another ex-gf whose stuff sits meaninglessly in the room of someone to passive to make his life happy. I think he may even benefit by the act of getting up, taking action, and sending me my stuff.

 

So now, my main question-- Should I email my ex's dad to get my stuff back? I know you should never involve parents, but maybe I can in my situation? Let me explain:

My relationship with him progressed over about a 3 year period. I even met his parents and talked to them at times. It was the kind of thing that, rightly or wrongly, was heading towards marriage. In the past, his dad and I have been in email contact-- sending holiday cards to each other, and he would send out general inspirational messages to me and his son and his daughter-in-law, that I would sometimes reply to with my opinion.

 

So my question is: Since my EX is not replying to my queries for my stuff, should I, very politely, email his dad instead? One of the things I want back, it so happens, was left at his family's house anyway.

 

I don't want to devestate an already devestating situation. Part of me wants my stuff back. Part of me just wants to run over to my ex's apt. and give him a hug. And Part of me thinks that I can't take the stress and hurt that this relationship causes anymore and just have to move on. And I don't want to be a psycho either. But at the same time, I think that a person should stand up for themselves when it is necessary. And part of me thinks that it is only just that I do get my stuff back and it just doesn't rot in his room!

 

Oh-- and to add-- my ex is not communicative. He doesn't reply to my phone messages, or short emails, and at times, speaks so hurtfully and harshly on the phone that I do not want to keep calling for anything. I am afraid that I'll get hurt (emotionally) by a confrontation. In the past, I've often risked confronting him in bad situations, and have gotten hurt when he's lashed out at me (verbally) so harshly. When I tell him that it hurts me, he just says that HE is the one who is hurt and that it's MY fault. When I tell him what's the point of blaming each other, why can't we just talk maturely and peacefully and find a solution, he just ignores me and continues being irrationally angry, hurtful, and accusatory. I'm not good at dealing with that kind of persona. At the same time, I feel guilty because I think maybe something I did really *DID* hurt him and maybe I am not acknowledging that I am partly responsible for something. But THEN, I also know that falling into a guilt trap is wrong. If 2 people are unhappy, they both have to be calm enough to say "okay, this is not working, let's fix it." And if he does not want to do that, then it can never work, unless I bend over backwards and stress myself out and do all the compromising my whole life, which is impossible, as evidenced by my constant headaches!

 

Anyway, any ideas about what I should do about my stuff?

Thanks!

 

--BeanGirl

[salmagundi]

who dumped who?

[beangirl46]

I initiated it, but he carried it out.

[Craig]

It's your stuff, you want it back. I see nothing wrong with enlisting your Ex's dad to get your stuff back. I'm sure he'd understand.

[beangirl46]

Thanks, Craig-- I think you broke it down very simply and logically.

 

Anyway, I did email my ex's dad yesterday for my stuff. I felt kind of stressed for a couple hours after doing so. But now I'm glad that I did it.

[Toronto]

You have the right to ask him directly for your stuff back and he is obligated to give it to you. I really don't think you need to or should involve his father unless he refuses to give you your stuff.