JadeStar Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 I was reading another post here and it triggered me to ask this question. I see where so many people stay in marraiges/relationships in hopes things will change. Not knocking it and I understand people stay for different reasons, but heres an example. My mother in law stayed in a 53 year marriage in "hopes things would change." They never did. I love her to pieces but shes led a miserable life because of the choices she made to stay. I'm sure there were other factors that played a role in why she stayed, but after 53 years of marraige she still holds out for hope? How long would you stay in a marriage/relationship in "hopes things change" before you finally say "You know what this is simply not working?" BTW, lets also say counseling had been tried, most everything, but how long would you hang on to hope? Jade
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 Life might be even harder for both, so in some sort of way maybe it's easier to stay together, especially after so many years of marriage. Each come to some sort of acceptance. Being together in a not-so-wonderful marriage is better than the other option. Living for hope is how she got through her days...If she didn't have that hope then I'm sure she would have been more miserable and possibly given up, gone into a deep depression.
Author JadeStar Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 True WWIU that makes sense. She also came from an era where people stayed together no matter what because thats the way they felt it should be. So possible thats part of it too. Yes she has suffered depression for so many years because of it, thats what she has told me. Jade
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 My grandparents HATED eachother, but with that being said, they did love eachother...I guess it was that era when people stayed together and just sucked it up if they were unhappy! Ha, no wonder my grandfather drank so much. I do think these days, people give up waaaaaaay too easily. It's more of a "I must feel happy ALL the time and if I don't, I'm out of this marriage." There has to be some sort of balance. I don't think everybody is happy ALL the time with their marriage and their spouse. Last week I could have found 100 reasons to NOT stay with my husband... But that is because we had afew fights, got on eachother's nerves! Now, I couldn't think of one reason to leave! Nose whistle and snoring included! LOL!
lilmoma1973 Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Maybe it was there belief that once you married no matter what you stick it out ..What did your fil do that made her so unhappy? Did he cheat ?
Mz. Pixie Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Thirteen years- five with no change in his behavior despite my repeated begging for counseling and his promising to change was enough for me.
EMJ Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 Back in the day. There was no "indepedence" for women whatsoever. The only way to escape the parent's home was through marriage. Where was she going to go? Unless she had a very high level of education there were very little opportunities to support herself, and NO social support for doing it. Even educated women were expected to stay with the parents until they were married. Where could your mother-in law go? I don't think women in the U.S. born before, say 1960 or so, were brought up to believe they had any other real choices. No models for success to follow and a lot of abuse heaped on them if they tried. Only wealthy and well educated women had a few more options, but still a woman was seen as a failure if she could not "make her marriage work". In most of the world that's still the situation. Things aren't as great as the media would have you believe. Did you see the movie "Mona Lisa smile"? It's a pretty good example of women's options at the time, and these were VERY wealthy and educated women. I do think younger women take it all for granted. That they can have careers and choices. Your grandma, and maybe even your mom, and mine know that was not the case for most women. Not by a long shot. You really can't compare her situation to today. But you can clearly see the damage it did. We need to be grateful for the women who forced the changes, they suffered A LOT to give us the options we have today.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 16, 2006 Posted January 16, 2006 That's so right on EMJ but when I suggested the same thing in another thread I got slammed.
Author JadeStar Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Maybe it was there belief that once you married no matter what you stick it out ..What did your fil do that made her so unhappy? Did he cheat ? Yeah my father in law cheated. Like I said I guess it was back in a time when so many people would just turn the other cheek even though they knew what was going on. EMJ I understand what you're saying and I just used my mother in laws situation as an example. Just wanted to know how long some people would continue to hold on to or out for hope after eveything in a marraige has been tried before saying,"this isn't working, time to move." Jade
Author JadeStar Posted January 16, 2006 Author Posted January 16, 2006 Thirteen years- five with no change in his behavior despite my repeated begging for counseling and his promising to change was enough for me. I think that would do it for me as well Mz.Pixie.
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