caring guy Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 hi all I need advice urgently! Some may know my story from other posts about neeting this girl & spending 3 whirlwind days with her & i booked a trip to go with her to her country! It was all too fast & then we had time apart & she decided she wanted friends whilst i want more! Ok, so tommorow is the trip. I asked her if the reason she wants me to go is because she wants ME to go & enjoys my company, as friends or is it the fact that i have bought a ticket & doesn't want me to waste money! I said if i could go to airport with her tommorow & buy myself a ticket, would she want that & she said no! (she is going as she has to anyway!) Moraly, i feel i shouldn't go. I'm ok with friends, but she feels i want to be with her, which i do. But, she seems to want me to go as i have a ticket bought, not because we get on well & have fun! We get on so well & have fun as friends now It's a dilemna & i have hours to make up my mind! Should i go just because i have the ticket, even if thats the only reason! Please help
salmagundi Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 can you refund it? You're going to have a ****ty time, i bet salmagundi
cygny Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 can you take the trip and just go off on your own while you are there? do your own thing and not stay with her or contact her?
Art_Critic Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 can you take the trip and just go off on your own while you are there? do your own thing and not stay with her or contact her? Good advice.. that way you get a trip out of it and your money isn't wasted.. she should understand
Author caring guy Posted January 14, 2006 Author Posted January 14, 2006 can't refund, i even made special effort to get new passport, cost loads! I'm going as a friend to meet her friends & who knows we may get back on track Do you think i'm morally right not to want to go if she only thinks it won't waste ticket! I assumed it was because we get on well & she wants me there! We get on well & i thought thats the reason.
cygny Posted January 14, 2006 Posted January 14, 2006 can't refund, i even made special effort to get new passport, cost loads! I'm going as a friend to meet her friends & who knows we may get back on track Do you think i'm morally right not to want to go if she only thinks it won't waste ticket! I assumed it was because we get on well & she wants me there! We get on well & i thought thats the reason. this is not a moral issue, since sex or cheating is not involved. this is an issue about relationships and how to handle them. if she's not into you right now, being on this trip with her will probably make that part worse. you will be most likely nothing but a friend. but if you were to go on the trip and do your own thing and treat HER like a friend while you flirt outrageously with other women, then you've got a chance. she will either get a little worried that she'll lose you for good or if she truly doesn't care that you are doing that then just forget about romance and realize you will always be on a friendship level.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Shes only going with me as she knows i've paid for tickets & all. Not because she likes to be with me, or wants me there, surely thats a reason for me not going, on principal. She feels guilty she says, all i got in her texts prior, were did i have pace in my luggage for her stuff!, made me feel used! If she don't want me there, i guess i shouldn't go. I'd have to stay with her in her friends house!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 tell her NO you do not have place in your luggage for her stuff and say something jokey. GO and do NOT stay with her in her friend's house unless you can have your own room. the only principle that matters here is that you have paid for a ticket and you two had a deal to travel together, nothing more. once you get there GO OUT and find OTHER GIRLS to flirt with. flirt with her own friends if no one else. you do not owe her anything, she has broken up with you. show her that you have moved on too or she will be using you. do not suck up to her or you will be treated badly, like being used for luggage space. if you want her back, do this stuff. she will like you alot more. you will 'confuse' her. she NEEDS that from you. you will be doing her a big favor. trust me.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I told her via text that i couldn't go if she didn't want me to go & specially if she only wanted me to go because i'd payed, i didn't care the money! She got all defensive saying i shouldn't have asked her that! Why not if it isn't true! I called her bluff, saying i may as well finish it now if you not want me there! Maybe exploded in my face!as i can't go if it's just because the ticket! She's saying i put words in her mouth! I think i've hit a nerve & it made her feel guilty, she said she does & that she's made a big mistake! Maybe thats it now. Just because i called her & questioned her as to the circumstances she wants me to go. I mean we get on well here & do stuff occasionally & have fun, but i knew she just wanted to get it over with, as i paid for it! She feels guilty, i know. I paid large amount to get passport, she went with me to get it, she didn't want to, she felt she had to as i'd payed & initially when we were going ok she wanted it. Don't know if i'll hear from her again! I just feel hurt, that the only reason she wanted me to go, was to use a ticket, made me feel like i'm not even a friend. Yer know!
witabix Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 You have your answer Caring Guy. If you feel she is using you, she probably is. Get out of it now, do both of you a favour IMO.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 But do i have a valid point that in principal, i should feel bad about what she said about the ticket! That she only wants me to go because of that & not because she particularly wants me to go. I said if i didn't have a ticket, but could come along with you to the airport & buy one, would you want me to go & she said no! Seems only cos i paid 144 quid & she don't want me to lose money! Fu*k the money, it's the principal. I want her to want to go with me, or not at all! Is this a valid point, i think so, whatabout you all? cg
Kimbles Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 Ask yourself what your intentions for going are? Are the intentions selfish or selfless? What are your motives? In my experience if my intentions are selfish and dishonest, I suffer consequences. Hope this helps. KIM
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 But do i have a valid point that in principal, i should feel bad about what she said about the ticket! That she only wants me to go because of that & not because she particularly wants me to go. I said if i didn't have a ticket, but could come along with you to the airport & buy one, would you want me to go & she said no! Seems only cos i paid 144 quid & she don't want me to lose money! Fu*k the money, it's the principal. I want her to want to go with me, or not at all! Is this a valid point, i think so, whatabout you all? cg it is only a valid point if you were her boyfriend. she cannot force herself to want you to go, wanting is something we have little control over, people want what they want. I am sure she likes you as a friend but you hounding her over her feelings is making her not 'want' you or be with you. you are annoying her and pushing her away. stop hounding her. if you had backed off and had been lighthearted about it as a friend you could have gone along and let things develop. now you blew that possibility and it would be very awkward if you were to go because you've made such a big issue out of this. I know you feel hurt but if you had taken my advice you might have been able to turn things around. The point is you can't demand a woman to like you on your timetable, you have to charm them or woo them or seduce them, and that requires patience and skill.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 We were due to go, she said she only wanted ME to go to use my ticket, not because she wanted ME to go. This hurt me! I couldn't go knowing this! That she rather i not be there. We were due to go as friends, but "only because i had a ticket", if i could have bought one at the airport, she said she wouldn't have wanted me to go! This matters a lot!!! We were friends & she says i upset her, i upset her! Thats rich as i was the one being lyed too! Being told she i was wanted, but realy it was just because of the ticket! I bought the ticket 3 days after we met & all went fast, after space she changed her mind about 'us'. She is going south in February anyway to work, so i'd probably not see her after then anyway! I wasn't demanding her to like me on a timetable, just to want me to go as friends because of wanting ME to go. Not just because i'd paid for it!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 you were demanding that she wanted you to go as friends. 'nuff said. you were pressuring her.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 We already were going as friends, i knew that! We weren't going to go obviously if we weren't friends! But just because i'd bought a ticket & it was paid for, not because of her wanting me to be her friend there! She rather would have gone alone if i hadn't a ticket. That was enough to make me feel i shouldn't be there! When i asked her if it was me or the tiicket she said ticket! If she felt anything asa friend, she wouldn't have said that & i couldn't go on those principles, after all we done here & she said that, no way! How could i go knowing i wasn't realy wanted. It's like being a gooseberry on a couples date!, feel awkward!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 there is something here you don't understand. it is all about creating attraction. sure maybe this was all over but fact is you had two other options besides insisting that unless she wanted you to go, you weren't going to go. 1-to go and try to recreate the conditions for her to be attracted to you again. 2- to use the ticket you paid for, have a good time. and not give a damn what she thought. either of those would have been more 'manly' and attractive than what you did. just for your future reference.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Cygny, i tryedto pm you but couldn't! I do this, i push, i am often needy, i know this, you can spot it a mile away, i have issues i need to resolve. I feel sh*t about how i do things, your right what you said in your last post. Stupid thing is, i know that attraction needs to be created!, but i have an insecurity as to relationships sometimes. I believed her agenda was to only want me to go because she wanted to use me for help with luggage space, as all the texts prior to going were about this! I maybe interprit it wrong, i dunno! I do know that as she was going away in February to work, probably i wouldn't see her again. Part of me feels that if i went & spent 4 days with her, i'd fall deeper for her & the when it came to it, i'd be hurt more when she went! So maybe it's a blessing, but thats my defensiveness talking She made this clear earlier in the relationship, but never the less i messed up as far as the trip goes & she's at the airport now & i'm here typing this! Why do i never learn? I know you are right about recreating, but something within me felt used! & i couldn't go with that!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 i don't know why this pm stuff doesn't work, i can't find where i have an option to turn it on or off. anyway, back to your situation, just let this one go as far as doing anything and chalk it up to experience. but use it to learn. when a woman doesn't feel attraction for a guy she automatically tries to find some other 'use' for him if he is hanging around. This looks like 'using' but she's also feeling pressured and is just trying to occupy him so he leaves her alone emotionally. to change that the guy either has to leave or he has to assert himself without pressuring her. if he has already pressured her he has to negate it somehow. that's why it sometimes works to flirt with other girls and then she is more attracted to him again. or you could have just told her no i am not letting you have my luggage space, we can go as friends but that's it, i will be spending my time elsewhere. and then go off and have a good time with other girls. in your case you probably should have just asked her to pay you back for her ticket, if you paid for hers. if she refused just let it go don't get into an argument but drop her and have nothing more to do. as for your own ticket you have to take responsibility, it was not very smart to buy tickets after a 3 day romance and you know that. so you should have tried to change the date and made it a trip for yourself or if not possible go and do your own thing. as it is you look weak for buying a ticket and not using it, it makes you look used. alot of this attraction stuff is timing. it takes time to develop deeper feelings. in the meantime you have to stay a little 'loose' and unpredictable and create uncertainty in her- you are interested but not that interested, do you understand? and if she states she's not interested then for sure you are on to the next one.
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I know what i should've done & if i did that i would be taking off at the airport at this time 19.25, i'm so pis*ed with myself. Why the f*ck do i never learn! However, she is moody, stubborn & knows how she feels & said to me whatever i do, we'll not be a couple. I just thought as you said, that whilst in her country, things would change! I bought my own ticket for a larger amount than she bought hers, as she bought hers in July. I told her, aclling her bluff, that i amy as well finish it if you don't want me to go, i mean ME. She said she felt guilty & had made a mistake, i guess thats it! I don't wanna go to Estonia realy, yes i'd like to with her, but not alone! Shes going away, i feel now that if i was with her, i'd grow closer & feel it would be harder to let go when it comes to her going away! So maybe it's for the best, what you think about this?? I messed up man, if i hadn't called last night about my insecurity, i'd be with her on the plane RIGHT NOW!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 it's best to let it go, long distance relationships rarely work out. it's probably a good thing that you didn't go on this trip it would only have made your feelings stronger most likely. you need to forget about this relationship. NOW. the only chance to have gotten her back was if you really didn't need her back. it was a catch-22. so work on getting free, emotionally, and move on to dating others. the sooner you find someone else the better. if nothing else distract yourself. date around. you are a guy, it is easier because you can ask you don't have to wait to be asked. practice this word over and over: NEXT
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 Cheers man, i hope you don't think i'm sad, i just wanted to do this trip, but in hindsight, i think it would have been bad as far as my attraction to her is concerned, but good for a fiew days in Estonia! As i say, there was nothing after Feb 15 as she was going away, i had this image of us getting closer in Estonia & then her not wanting to move, but she told me that wasn't gonna happen! I need to let go, i know, i just think that i could be in the air with her now & regrets are in my head as to what could've been if i hadn't done what i needed to do! But i did it my way! Hey that could be a song!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 that's true, you basically said screw it then, so you took a stand. that's strong. go forward! good luck
Author caring guy Posted January 15, 2006 Author Posted January 15, 2006 I need to let go, as i won't see her afterr Feb 15th, I just feel crap as i'm here & i could be in the air with her now & looking to have a good time there! & focusing on doing what you said! Buti'd be getting closer & that wouldn't be good in the long run, as she's going away! I need to now forget, (hard) & go on, i was just looking forward to this so much & what could've happened! Especially as we were due to go clubs & bars, meet people etc! Now i'm here writing this & by my computer all the time! I fu*ked up I hope that because i didn't go ON MY TERMS, she will feel stronger for me!
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Posted January 15, 2006 ok what you do now is go have fun this week and date other girls right away. when she comes back you have already moved on. that makes you look strong. it will make you more attractive to her even if she still doesn't want to get back with you, ok? don't sit around pining all week.
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