Head or heart?

[kitkat.]

Hi,

 

Which do you think you should listen to - your head or your heart? My head says to settle down with my bf who is (with some compromises of course) very compatible. He makes a big effort in this relaitonship, he's a genuinelly nice person (we've dated for nearly 3 years), his career will go well and he gets on well with my family. Oh and he truly loves me.

 

My heart says I love him but its time to leave. I want to be on my own to have other relationships. I've never had any other serious relationships and I'm frightened to settle down. I feel (and this is cheesy) like its a 'big world out there' and lots of other opportunities. We get on very well but there are compromises and he might not be 'the one'.

 

(We are on a break and I've behaved badly.Its a long story...) Anyway, I'm curious to know which you listen to and how that has worked out for you...thanks:bunny:

[lilmoma1973]

 

I think with both and then go with what is best !!! I usually go with my gut instinct more than anything . If your gut is telling you it is time to let go then go with it ..

[beentheredonethat2]

It is really really nice to see these healthy concerns in a healthy relationship. And even if you did screw up a bit on a break, you're doing what you feel you need to do for yourself. Although I can see the draw to other "fish in the sea", I don't support lying, infidelity of any kind, and if you want to continue having this relationship, even as friends or informally or uncommittedly, those are two-way arrangements. By you simply "deciding" to go a different way and not communicate it to your partner or allow him to respond and act BEFORE you do things to act on your "feelings", the person will feel betrayed and lose ALL respect for you, particularly if your partner is a man. (I only say that because your name and your description/post aren't gender-specific) but I will assume you are a female in a relationship. After all you've invested 3 years, right? That's a pretty good amount of a person's heart and dignity.

 

Rule #1 Men are ALWAYS more hurt in long-term relationships by infidelity (sexual contact with another man) than women are. However, women are FAR more hurt by men who carry on long-term emotional relationships with another women than if the man had a one-night stand in the beginning. This is very generalized but I've found the same attitude of every man who's long term girlfriend decides to have sex with someone else, but he can probably get over an emotional/flirtatious act.

 

IF YOU WANT ANY RESPECT, you will be open. If you lose him, it was not meant to be. (I know that sounds cliche)

 

Rule #2 IT IS SOOOOOOOO hard to find someone who is all the things you've described. And, if you want to "play" and possibly see how things work out after you've explored the ocean, don't expect him to be there. And DEFINITELY do not expect anything to ever be the same with him if you do not do this the right way. I lost a friend/lover of 15 years this way. He's lost all respect and I will never get this back. Think, girl.

 

Okay let me know if this helps.

[WindDrifter]

I am afraid you are my girlfriend. We dated for 2 1/2 (Almost 3) years now we are on a break. She has never had such a serious relationship and doesn't know if I am the "one" . She wants some single time. She loves me though so much and we talk about being together all the time. I get on great with her family and friends but also we have our compromises.

 

I would like to help the guy out and say heart! But to be honest if you don't get this out of your system now if you were to get married in a couple years it will come back and it will be even tougher.

 

Just be honest about your feelings. I can't be angry at my gf/ex as all she is being is honest with me and I love her so I have set her free. We will see how it goes.

 

Also it may sound like you are taking him for granted as well. Don't expect him to hang around. You need to also tell him that you want to see other people so that he knows he can make a clean break. The worse thing is not knowing where you are in a relationship. The best advice make a clean break and see where you are in a couple months. Don't talk or chat. If it is a clean break maybe there will be a small chance of getting back together instead of never.

 

Remeber there are just as many fish for him and there are for you!

 

Good luck

 

It's not easy!

WD

 

p.s. Would love to hear the long story!

[kitkat.]

Hi - thanks for both of the replies, good luck with your situation wb

 

The long story is really hard to tell because I'm very ashamed of it. We get on very well but there have been major challenges - long distance relationship for the past 2 and half years, some significant sexual issues and also he's going thru a really hard time, financially/jobs/depression on and off for the past year. In a way that makes it worse, we've been so committed despite what would have broken a lot of relationships a long time ago.

 

In oct i realised I was v frustrated, its my last year at uni and he's my first proper relationship. All the pressures of our situation meant that although we love each other, a lot of our time together was me supporting his job problems, money and depression. he says he fancies me and we still have sex occassionally, but we hardly kiss - its like that is too intimate or something. we had planned to move in together after uni when i graduate and i realised that I might be settling down with someone who I'm really confused about - and missing out on the chance to know what it might be like with someone else. I realise he is entitled to happy in a relationship and I've never wanted to make him miserable either.

 

We talked honestly about it in Oct about all of this.I suggested a break but he said no and said that this was a really good relationship and he loves me deeply. We talked again, which was very upsetting, in Nov - he said 'no', either together or we split (which I kind of respect but it didn't help). I had been seeing a counsellor during that period to try and sort my feelings out rather than changing the relationship - that failed.

 

The bit I'm desperately ashamed about is that i cheated on him in dec. I'd been attracted to this guy for months and had discussed my fears about that a lot in counselling.... The experience left me feeling suitable horrified at how I had treated my bf but still confused about my feelings about staying in and sorting it out or leaving. I never told him what happened - I don't see the point if I'm going to hurt him further by leaving. I guess its only really relevant if we try to stay together. He agreed to start a break in Jan. I'm trying to use this time to sort out what I'm going to do and stop messing us around. I think the kind thing to do might be to let him go. My friends say leave him or just don't tell him about the affair and be faithful. counsellors say leave.

 

So thats the long story and its not pretty. Maybe you can see where the original question about head and heart come into it now. Thanks for reading.

[UT_longhorn]

kitkat, i dont want to curtail your honesty by chastising you but what you have done is pretty low. your boyfriend deserves to be told the truth. you can't be a coward and hide your deeds because the pain it will bring.

 

its too bad cause it sounds like he's been pretty good to you and it will rip his world apart when you tell him what happened.

[bluetuesday]

you need to leave him. and i'm positive that in both your head and your heart, you know that already.

 

if you're not sure enough about him to commit long term, you both deserve better. there IS a big world out there. and if you don't go and find what makes you happy now and leave him so he can find someone who loves him body and soul, you'll stray when you're married, and who needs that kind of sh*t.

 

i'd also do the kindest thing and tell him about the infidelity. it'll stop him wondering where it all went wrong by giving him the chance to blame you rather than himself (regardless of the truth of the situation) and it'll help him get over you all the quicker once he realises you are capable of doing that sort of thing to him.

[Gold Pile]

(not another kat!)

 

You asked for a break, he wouldn't do it. So you shouldn't feel too guilty.

He sounds permanently messed up. Shop around, don't settle for the 1st or 2nd guy in your life.

[alphamale]

in matters of the heart one should listen to the heart.

[riobikini]

Alpha! (BLINK!!!)

 

I'm so surprised to hear you say that!

 

Are you thawing?

 

How wonderful!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[kitkat.]

Thanks for the advice - its hard to end it with someone when they insist that they love you deeply, especially when you truly enjoy their company and care about them. I mean, after a while you think any relationship problems are just in your mind and you are meant to be together if you could just sort your head out. Obviously, the last three months they have not jsut been in my mind - I've asked for a break 3 times and I slept with someone else once. Now that we are finally on a break (3 weeks), he calls me several times a day and I understand thats because he wants to remind me that he loves me. I know he does and I know he's hurting and its my fault. I care for him and just wish none of this had happened. I can't see any way out of this that isn't going to cause both of us more pain - and I hate being the person to cause it. Thanks for listening, its been a nightmare time - I'm also in the middle of my finals.

[beentheredonethat2]

How do you feel on your break besides guilty? Is it everything you expected? Do you feel relief? If you do, you made the right choice. I didn't know from your first post whether you were actually on a break or not.

 

Secondly, if he wasn't calling you, and seemed to be moving on, how would you feel? What if you saw him walking around with a new friend who happens to be female? If you can honestly say you'd be happy for him, then the feelings you claim to share, may in fact just be a description of the feelings you THINK you should have with him, but in reality, don't.

 

So answer these two things, I'm curious

[lilmoma1973]

in matters of the heart one should listen to the heart.

 

Totally agree with Alpha!!

[kitkat.]

Hi and thanks for the replies.

 

To answer your qu, if I saw him with another woman, I'd be upset to have lost him but also very relieved. I'd be jealous of her for having him in her life but also very happy that there was no pressure on me to try and make him happy anymore. I'd also feel good that he was loved. I'm not really the jealous type anyway, although that might just be in this relationship - I wouldn't know.

 

At the moment I am no where near feeling relieved on this break - just pressure (from me) to make a decision so we can both move on, one way or another. There is part of me though that does feel that I would be relieved if we split. I met him early at uni and have been with him since - I've only had about a dozen weekends over the past 2 and a half years when we haven't seen each other. Also, we have kept the relationship going by talking on the phone and texting an auful lot everyday. We're in this routine so that if even one of us even misses a text, it feels wierd. Maybe its fear of being on my own, taking risks and making big changes in my life that is behind a lot of my feelings to stay with him. Although I've given him a lot of support, he's shown me a lot of kindness and that has done so much for my confidence over the years. Maybe the love i feel for him isn't right - I don't know by this description. But I know that my assessment of him as a genuinely good, kind and loving man is real and thats a helluva lot to through away. Sorry for sounding so selfish - I am thinking of what would be right for him too but that brings in the guilt factor again which doesn't answer your quesiton.

[beentheredonethat2]

Okay you said 'pressure' twice in that response (thanks for it btw). I hear sincere love, I think, but it seems the pressure of the whole routine and having to make a decision is really the issue. Could the two of you make it if you said

 

"I'm not really sure how I feel right now, I am trying to make things better for our future but I need some space to think about this. I don't want to separate, but these constant emails and im's and just all the things we've been doing for years is feeling very repetitive to me and I'm getting anxious from the predictibility of it all."

 

That's assuming you are unclear whether you want a permanent break. If you are clear about taking a break, which I don't gather you are (unless you're in a state of denial) I think you should mix things up for a bit, change the norm, see how you do in a month or so.

 

First and foremost, is your happiness. If you do not feel happy separated but do not feel quite happy together either, I really don't know what to suggest other than to change things that have become routine and BORING.

 

Does this help at all?

[beentheredonethat2]

There is part of me though that does feel that I would be relieved if we split.

 

Is this fact or speculation? You feel you would be relieved? Throwing 3 years away for a speculation could be a bad thing, no?

 

Not to be the messenger of doom, but just challenging you to really think through this because you have a good thing going and are a healthy woman.

 

*applaud*

[Are you me??]

Your story sound almost identical to mine;

 

I loved my boyfriend, even though I was not 100% happy and had big doubts. But I loved him, and more than loving him, I was too worried about him to leave him. You see he had been depressed, had no one else to confide in and I knew it would deversate him if I left. We tried a break once, it lasted less than one week. I felt so guilty (he admits he did manipulate me at the time) that I came back.

 

The main reason why I couldn't leave was that my boyfriend is a good guy. He was kind, caring, he treated me well, we did not fight much, he had a good job (I know this should not matter, but after supporting a lazy unemployed guy for more than 1 year, it does to me!). Basically he is a nice, sensative guy. There was nothing WRONG with our relationship. To me, it seemed stupid to throw away something when it would only deversate him and I was not so sure it was the right thing.

 

Fast forward one year. We are still together, those doubts did not go away. We are still, on the surface, happy. Dig a bit deeper and our relationship is falling to the s**t. The problems are mainly my own making, I want to go out and socialise. I want to do something more than be someone's girlfriend. I start hanging out with my friends, I realise that it is time to break up.

 

I have fallen for a friend of mine. I did not cheat with this guy, but I would call it emotional cheating. And in my mind I definately fantisied about cheating. So I can understand you cheating, yes that I really can.

 

I am now in the process of ending my relationship. It is hard when the other person doesn't want to let go. When you are concerned for their well-being.

 

My advice, (Based only on my experience) your feelings of doubt will not go away. You need to do something about it. Prehaps even take a month long holiday if you do not want to break up. With no contact. The problem is, if you are on a break and they are contacting you all the time, it IS NOT A BREAK. YOu are still made to feel guilty (unconciously), you still get concerned and you do not have free time to think.

 

If I had my chance, I would have taken a break last year. Prehaps I would have been able to sort out my issues and then go back to my relationship. The problem is now, I wasn't happy, I didn't try to fix it and I ended up falling for someone else. And in falling for someone else, I fell out of love with my boyfriend. I lost those feelings, and I don't think I can (or honestly want to) get them back.

 

As for telling him about your cheating, if he is anything like my ex, don't! I know it would only deversate my ex, and if I was leaving, it would be for no reason. His self esteem was tied up in the relationship, and for him to find out that I cheated, it would be a reflection on himself. (But if you cheated with someone who your boyfriend is likely to find out, it is a different situation!)

 

Be strong, trying to leave is hard. I am sure it will get easier

[kitkat.]

Thanks again for the replies, they have been helpful and so has the support.

 

I've been thinking beenthere's ideas and maybe I could change things within the relationship. I'm not sure and we'll have to see - for instance, as it is ldr, our relationship is conducted through phone and texts etc for 3/4 of the time. Its hard to make changes or work through issues without the 'day to day' of being with someone physically. I would like to as I think there is real love there and I know that is special. But things have been very messy and I just don't know if i'm ready for more struggle, especially when it is my first 'proper' relationship.

 

We spoke again last night and he said he just wanted to see me happy again - which is partly why I know he loves me so much. I want to try and make him happy too and the way in which I have failed in this really pains me. The fact that I cheated on him that night makes it so bad because he doesn't believe I'd have it in me at all and I love the fact he sees the good in me. But as bluetuesday said, if we do split I might tell him if it would help him move on. If we do agree to try again properly, that is when it gets so much more complicated.

[UT_longhorn]

kitkat...

 

i think you have to be fair to him, yourself and your relationship and tell him about your indescretion. if he did the same, you would want him to tell you too. and no, if you tell him about ur cheating, it doesnt make leaving you any easier. its just as painful, and just as destructive.

 

i really don't know how you can keep it in you and not tell him? is the guilt not overwhelming when he tells you he loves you and will do anything to make you happy and you sit there and listed to all that? i think the right thing to do is telling him. you can ask around and im sure any decent person will tell you the same.

[kitkat.]

Thanks for the replies longhorn and the other member ('are you me post' - sorry, your name didnt come up).

 

I see what you mean longhorn about equating honesty with decency and to a point, I agree with you. But I think there is very little to be gained from telling him at this stage though it is very difficult keeping it in. I'm not making excuses for what I've done but I've had to try to come to some kind of understanding as to why it happened. I see the cheating as a result of all the things going on under the surface of the relationship. It had been building for a long time and in my defence, I discussed it with my bf long before it occured. My failures were in resolving the issue or leaving before the cheating - as much as the cheating itself. I'm still struggling with the idea of whether it can still be resolved in some way or whether I still need to leave. I'm still in two minds about it.

 

The 'are you me' post was a godsend - thank you so much for describing your situation. Like you, I am seeing someone who I think is a genuinely great person and I feel crazy that its my feelings that are creating all these problems and not some issue with the way he's behaving. Also, sounds similar in that bf very attentive (which has made me feel special) but a lot of this attention is him looking for support. For instance, even on this break we talk at least twice a day and email too. Thats still a big reduction in the amount of communication we would have normally - but I guess thats ldr for you. Like the other member, I started spending more time with friends and started being emotionally unfaithful around that time - although I eventually followed that by cheating.

 

I guess a key issue, and one addressed by the 'are you me' post, is the question of whether these feelings go away eventually. If not, then its no good for me or for him. Thats really where I am atm. Thanks for bringing up that topic. Is an important one to think about. Good luck to anyone else who's trying to sort these sort of issues out too.

[skeptik224]

My ex is in a similar situation - or at least she was until she broke up with me. She knew what I had to offer and was in love with me. She said we had the perfect relationship and all that stuff. The problem was that she'd never been single and wanted to experience things. She's out there dating other people now. We've gone back/forth for 3 months and I'm just now getting the space I so well need. She listened to her gut. I'd like to think there'd be a happy medium between the gut and the heart but in reality there isn't. You need to do what you want. If you don't, you may end up regretting decisions in the future or quite possibly resent your boyfriend if you stick it out. My ex said it like this (in one of a few conversations about it) She'd rather end things now, do what she has to do in the hopes that if she does decide it's me she wants to be with (and I decide I want to be with her after all this), there'd still be a chance in our future. If she kept going along with me and still had those "what else is out there" feelings then we could quite possibly end up enemies before it's all said and done. It's a chance she's taking - a risk she didn't really want to take in her heart, but her gut told her she needed to do it. ...

[skeptik224]

I tend to listen to my heart more than my gut in a lot of ways. I'd rather take a chance at loving with the fullest and losing as opposed to running away scared...

[Are you me]

I think if you look inside long enough, you already know what you want. You are just trying to find 'back up' so that you are more confortable with your choices.

 

I made the choice to stay with my partner, and unfortunately I do not think it was the right choice. The main problem was, I did not bring up and resolve the issues that had initally caused me to want to break up. We never worked on anything, and so really, just ignoring those feelings was not going to make it go away.

 

The truth is however, and it has taken me many months to realise this, if its not there, its not there. My boyfriend is a great guy, but ultimately, he does not stimulate me or as horrible as it is to say, does not bring out the best in me. Sure, we get along fine, he treats me well, but he does not indulge in my dreams and ideas. He loves me so much that I constantly feel lazy in the relationship. His insercurities make me feel like a bitch much of the time. His somewhat negative attitude to life makes me depressed. I feel a lot of the time that I am responsible for his total emotional well-being.

 

I am guessing that you have never broken up with someone before after a long-term relationship. I am guessing also that one of your largest feelings is that of guilt. I am saying this to you, and I am only starting to believe it myself, is that if you do not love someone, and do not want to be with them, YOU ARE NOT a bad person for ending the relationship. It happens everyday, mutral breakups are rare and I don't think that they are ever truly mutral.

 

I can tell you what does make you a bad person, staying in a relationship that you are not into and do not want to be in. You may think you are doing him favours, but you are not in the long-term. He should let you go, and I must say he is not being fair by not letting you go. You have asked for a break many time, you have not got it. I garentee you feel pressured and guilt into staying in the relationship.

 

So try to look at things differently. Don't look at the reasons why you want to leave, but look at the reasons why you want to stay. If guilt, concern about him or anything else like this is a major reason for staying, then I think it is time to leave.

[kitkat.]

Thanks for the replies skeptic and areyoume...

 

First - good luck to both of you in your situations, I hope it works out well for you in the long run and sorry to hear its been difficult.

 

I'm seeing a counsellor today to try and sort things out a bit more. Someone said that I'd already made my mind up really but was just looking for back up. This might be true...I feel its easier to cope with the idea of a split now we are on a break. A bit more distance is making it less painful. It still hurts a lot though and I keep thinking that the pain of it might be a sign that I do, desperately, want to work this out between us. But that wouldn't explain all my other feelings. Ugh..

 

Big motivations to stay do include intense guilt and feeling of responsibility for him. A fear too of being alone and never being loved again like this. Other and healthier reasons include all the good things in our relationship like commitment, real affection, empathy, patience and humour. There are things we could work on, such as him finding other, additional means of emotional support which might improve the quality of the relationship from my perspective.

 

He's been through hell, poor guy, but it seems to lurch from one crisis to the other and I am the main support. (for instance, I had 3 emails, 4 phonecalls and a text from him yesterday as new work crisis). I do desperately want to make him happy and am glad he calls and tells me how he is feeling. But there comes a point when it stops being a bad patch and just gets chronic. Its also killed our sex life as he's either feeling too screwed up by these issues or I'm feeling resentful about the ongoing problems. I'm not blaming him - i'm hardly perfect girlfriend material. The wierd thing is that I keep wanting to call him to see how he's coping with our break - I don't do it but I know he's hurting and normally he'd call me at that point. I guess what I'm trying to say is we have a really excellent supportive friendship and genuinely do care for each other and I value that enormously. But there has been so much of the supportive stuff that its just too much.

 

Thanks for reading this. For the record - I have no intention of saying things to him like i described above. We have discussed these issues in the past but this did not resolve the situation. he is not to blame for my failings and I wouldn't put the guilt factor on him by bringing up his issues as a way of avoiding my own responsibility.

[Confuesd]

Kitkat,

What do you think that your going to find better.Go slow till your ready but don't ruin something special for what you think might happen.I'm kinda on the other end of that situation.I've been with a woman for 8 months that I totally love.She tells me that I am everything her ex wasn't,you can see love love in her eyes and she's mentioned marriage and being a step father to there kids.Yet every couple of months she pushes me away and emotionally shuts down,she feel like she missed something being married 14 years.Now she has everything she says she's ever wanted,but she's throwing it away in the name of freedom and being "not ready".She's ready for three weeks as we are together everyday and doing things with her girls,then she thinks about what what what the grass is like on the other side.That's when the past becomes an issue,no other time.We never have an issue between us for any other reason than her pushing me away.So if you think it's better somewere else go and you'll look back with regret,don't let the great ones get away looking for something better.

Confused