Met a really great guy but there are red flags?

[heavenonearth]

Hi everyone, long time no post. After being single for a while I met someone interesting, but I am afraid there may be too many red flags.
So I want to tell you about it and see what your thoughts are on this particular dating situation.

We met on a dating app a little over 2 months ago. I was planning to just enjoy my "hot girl summer", not getting too attached and just enjoying meeting new people and making new friends.
So when we first started writing, I told him I am just looking for friendship, some platonic connection. He was looking for the same.
We both recently got officially diagnosed with autism (I am 38, he is 34), so were both mainly looking to meet other autistic folks our age to break free from the neurotypical dating experience and expand our social circle with some neurodivergent new friends. The first meeting was really nice, we walked for hours and talked about a lot of stuff. It felt like a great connection. I still only perceived him as a platonic connection but he wrote me after the date that he had wished this would have been a romantic date, as he felt he liked me quite a lot. I told him we can meet again and evaluate if romance is possible with time. The second meeting was at a lake and we had a really nice time again, even held hands for a short while and again, our connection grew in a meaningful way.

The third date was crazy. I told him I was planning for a bike trip to the ocean and he asked if he could come with and bring his dog. I thought, why not, I would actually feel safer with them coming along, so I agreed. The first day of the trip we biked a good while and it felt really nice. We camped by a river and biked some more the next day to get to the ocean. We stayed on a camp ground and it was overall a really nice second day of the trip. The third day we got physically closer, eventually kissed whilst bathing in the ocean. It was quite romantic. From then on we were physically close a lot, shared hugs and hand holding and said that we really wanted to date each other. The last day of the vacation was also nice, as we took the train back to our neck of the woods.

We then met again a few days after for another short trip, this time a staycation in a cabin my family owns in the woods. We stayed 3 days and this is when we first slept together and grew even closer. He met my family briefly as we went canoeing nearby and he cooked for me and we talked a lot and grew closer emotionally, saying we only wanted to date exclusively. We will meet again in a few days. Everything is pretty great, I like him a lot, we share a lot of characteristics.
We both are quite romantic, anxiously attached in the past working towards secure attachment (with me being a bit more secure, I feel), both neurodivergent, some physical challenges (autoimmune disorders), both enjoy being in nature, cycling, hiking, love healthy living, both slightly misanthropic (outsider/ autistic loner mentality), like similar music and art and places to travel, same political values, etc. On the other hand, I am vegan and he hunts. So we do come from different worlds, in the end. I lived abroad for many years, work in politics and have an academic background, he is an arborist. We know only little about each other's worlds, but trying to share thoughts and feelings.

Some possible red flags: He smokes (I don't). He says he wants to stop. After our bike trip he stopped and has not smoked for a week. While i find that admirable, I just hope he does it for himself and not to please me. He also is 2 years sober. This worries me a bit, because I know he still has some stuff he is working on emotionally, and I am worried he may be the kind of person who has a tendency to self-destruct during times of depression. This is going through my head a lot. On top of that he said he cheated on his last partner while drunk 2 years into the relationship, told her immediately, they stayed together and dated for 5 years total. On the one hand, commendable he told me, on the other hand, it's just not great... What if he gets a depressive episode again? What if he starts drinking again and turns into someone different? What if he would cheat again? I tend to be of the conviction that people can change, behaviour can change, if circumstances change, as I understand people are complex and there is nuance to things, and people who are able to self-reflect can grow and learn from mistakes.

Anyway, apart from all that, he is really a super sweet and interesting and smart person. He loves trees and plants and birds and bugs and tells me all about them whenever we are out and about, and I love how he has so much love and interest and enthusiasm for the beautiful things in life. He writes poetry, he is quite eloquent for a non-academic, he's incredibly caring and reassuring and open and honest about a lot of things. We talk openly about our feelings, fears, experiences, worries, etc. I have not felt so heard and seen in a really long while, if ever and he feels the same. I don't have to mask and pretend, I am just me, and that is quite unique for me. He is in therapy for the last 1,5 years (started with a stay in a clinic: depression) and has learned a lot about himself and has quite the mission of becoming a better person for himself and others. He is working through a lot of stuff that contributed to him having been not so good to himself and others in the past, and I feel it truly shows. I also sort of want to commend him for getting all the "ugly" stuff out right away, not really hiding anything from me. As far as I know, he feels very good when he is with me, feeling that we actually can be good for each other. He does have a lot to offer, I feel, despite his difficult background.

In the past, I often dated avoidant partners or people who did not match my neurodivergent, childlike, adventurous spirit, so he definitely does not fit into my pattern of dating and this would be exploring something quite new and exciting...
...but I dated many red flags and I feel he may fit into that sort of pattern, nevertheless, as he DOES bring a lot of baggage. I worry maybe it is too early in his journey of self-discovery and I am too far ahead.

I am contemplating if I should dive into this with all my feelings or if I should be cautious to get attached? 
What is your advice?
How should I proceed?
Do you think this could work out or shall I be cautious?

 

[ShyViolet]

I don't think these are "red flags".  These are parts of himself that he is working on, parts of himself that are not perfect.  No one is.  I personally don't think the term "red flag" applies to things like these.  He smokes but says he wants to quit, he is two years sober, and has some emotional difficulties that he is in therapy for.  It sounds like he is actively working on himself and doing everything he can to be a better version of himself.

If these things truly bother you so much that they are deal breakers for you, that is fair.  I would call them more deal breakers or incompatibilities, than red flags.  I personally would not count someone out as a dating partner just for these things.

[heavenonearth]

13 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think these are "red flags".  These are parts of himself that he is working on, parts of himself that are not perfect.  No one is.  I personally don't think the term "red flag" applies to things like these.  He smokes but says he wants to quit, he is two years sober, and has some emotional difficulties that he is in therapy for.  It sounds like he is actively working on himself and doing everything he can to be a better version of himself.

If these things truly bother you so much that they are deal breakers for you, that is fair.  I would call them more deal breakers or incompatibilities, than red flags.  I personally would not count someone out as a dating partner just for these things.

Thank you, I guess that is something I wanted to hear. I would not necessarily count him out of my dating pool because of these things. I feel the fact he is in therapy is a huge bonus. I guess I am worried because I dated someone who drank a lot before and that person got really mean/verbally abusive when drunk and so that is my only experience with this sort of thing. I am anxious, but I have hope all could work out well.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

What if he gets a depressive episode again? What if he starts drinking again and turns into someone different? What if he would cheat again?

What if he doesn't do any of those things? What if all the good things about him are who he actually is and you're worrying too much about things that might never happen?  

[heavenonearth]

9 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

What if he doesn't do any of those things? What if all the good things about him are who he actually is and you're worrying too much about things that might never happen?  

I really want to think that, I really think he is oh so wonderful and I am ready to fall in love, but I am just also so vulnerable and worried, due to my own bad experiences. I am happy for your reply, it gives me courage!

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

I am contemplating if I should dive into this with all my feelings or if I should be cautious to get attached? 
What is your advice?
How should I proceed?

The whole point of dating is to cautiously explore and learn over t.i.m.e. where you will want to stand with a new lover or potential lover.

So I wouldn't make this a binary thing--all-in or nothing. Apply discretion and allow time and observation to do their jobs.

I would use dating for its designed purpose and keep getting to know one another. Early dating is exciting and flooded with hormonal drugs that feel fabulous. Over time, your body builds a tolerance to that rush even while the realities of 'real life' break into your shared focus. That's natural, it's 'normalizing,' and it's the stuff that will offer both of you a clearer picture of shared experiences with the mundane.

EnjOy!

Edited August 23 by Sanch62

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think any of these are red flags.

He honestly told you that he had cheated, he regrets it and knows that it was wrong. Chronic cheaters rarely do that, they either lie or try to justify their cheating or even say that cheating in general isn’t wrong.

Personally, I don’t consider smoking or eating habits deal-breakers or red flags in general.

Edited August 24 by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

 I guess I am worried because I dated someone who drank a lot before and that person got really mean/verbally abusive when drunk and so that is my only experience with this sort of thing. 

Ok but he doesn't drink a lot.  He is 2 years sober.  I think he deserves some credit for that.

[Interstellar]

If you’re a man asking for advice I’d say the same thing: Don’t get too emotionally attached, go slowly, protect your heart, don’t rationalize bad behavior.
 

Everything is cute in the beginning. He’s a stranger. 

Edited August 24 by Interstellar

[BaileyB]

15 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

I am worried because I dated someone who drank a lot before and that person got really mean/verbally abusive when drunk and so that is my only experience with this sort of thing.

We obviously don’t know how he will behave if/when he drinks, but it sounds like it’s possible that his drinking may be related to the depression that he was experiencing… and that is a very different kind of thing.

I agree with the idea that you should proceed cautiously. This is a new relationship, take the time that you need to really get to know the man before you invest fully. The fact that he is in counselling is a very good thing. I would give it a chance and see what happens. I wish you well.

Edited August 24 by BaileyB

[Sony12]

No real red flags. Just take things slow and don't attach yourselves too quickly. I do feel though that both of you might be making too big of a deal of the whole autism thing. Both of you sound pretty normal from what you have written. They have made the autism spectrum so wide these days that lots of people could probably be diagnosed with it to some degree. Unless it is a legitimate learning disability for you that keeps you from living a normal life don't make a big deal of it and there is really no need to tell people about it. And you don't have to limit yourself to meeting other people with autism. Lots of people have quirky personalities.

Edited August 24 by Sony12

[Martaecomm]

If I were to assume your place as a married woman of some experience in life:
It sounds like there’s a lot of genuine connection here, but also a lot of “unfinished work” on his side. The fact that he’s honest and already in therapy is a really good sign — but sobriety, past cheating, and emotional instability are not small things, they’re patterns you’d have to live with. My advice would be: don't rush into it, have your lines drawn, and let time tell you if his stability pans out. You don't necessarily need to "dive in" and close it down right away — you can be slow, enjoy what is good, and observe how he copes when it gets beyond camping trips and weekend family cabins. That will tell you much more than words.

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, Martaecomm said:

If I were to assume your place as a married woman of some experience in life:
It sounds like there’s a lot of genuine connection here, but also a lot of “unfinished work” on his side. The fact that he’s honest and already in therapy is a really good sign — but sobriety, past cheating, and emotional instability are not small things, they’re patterns you’d have to live with. My advice would be: don't rush into it, have your lines drawn, and let time tell you if his stability pans out. You don't necessarily need to "dive in" and close it down right away — you can be slow, enjoy what is good, and observe how he copes when it gets beyond camping trips and weekend family cabins. That will tell you much more than words.

You're not wrong... I feel also it could be more nuanced than "diving in" or leaving it be. I guess that is a pattern of me I need to break as well!

[Sanch62]

On 8/24/2025 at 2:32 PM, heavenonearth said:

You're not wrong... I feel also it could be more nuanced than "diving in" or leaving it be. I guess that is a pattern of me I need to break as well!

Yes. Reducing something important and nuanced down to one binary scenario with only 2 options is a mistake. Learn how to view a gradient scale of options and find a balance somewhere in between. It's not simplistic, but it sure is a useful skill to develop.

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how things go.

[smackie9]

I think you will be good for him. He definitely is working hard at it, and you are giving him more light into his life. He sees that him changing does bring him a better life...he truly knows this. So why would he even risk losing it all right? My advise here is that you need to slow things down. Don't spend every minute together. Have some space to do your own thing. When you do see each other, focus more on quality.. getting to know one another intellectually, keep your emotions level. Hopefully you two can grow together.