What should i do, or how can i find myself to forgive him?

[Mart1872]

 My boyfriend of almost a year admitted to me that for the last five days, he has been looking at the instas of onlyfans models. We established at the beginning of our relationship that I consider porn and looking at other people with lust borderline cheating. I asked more questions to get closure, he says he never got an erection and that he just let his greed consume him and he doesn't fully understand why he did it. He's been the most caring and loving boyfriend since we've been together, i never in a million years thought he would do this. And he's so apologetic and remorseful that it gives me hope we can get past this together. But I'm so confused and insecure. I asked to see one of the women and she looked nothing like me, despite him saying I look perfect for him.  I don't understand anything about this situation. It hurts so badly that the man i loved so much disrespected me beyond anything. I have no one left to go for help. How can i get past this?

[floatingonwater]

At risk of coming across insensitive, I do think it is relevant to try grieving the hurt, which can look like remembering your relationship prior to the incident. It can look like taking a timer of a few minutes to journal your feelings and remember them. There's something about memory that is so connected to trauma; it sounds like you are experiencing betrayal trauma. When people grieve over traumatic experiences, it often can look like "remembrances", "grief rituals", and "memorials". I know it sounds odd, but it is a cross-cultural phenomena so maybe there is something to the ritual of processing your grief. 

[Gebidozo]

It’s true that you did warn him beforehand that you consider porn borderline cheating, but I think he wasn’t really thinking clearly when he accepted that condition and probably agreed because he was afraid of losing you. 

Most men I know, myself included, wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who monitors and micro-manages their sexuality like you do to your boyfriend.

Looking at someone with lust is something you can’t control anyway. Demanding that your boyfriend doesn’t look with lust at some strangers online will only increase the chances of him looking with lust at someone in real life.

[ShyViolet]

I think you are being completely unreasonable to consider looking at images of other women on a phone or computer screen to be cheating.  You are the one with the problem.  It's not your job to police your partner's social media activity.  You need to lighten up and stop policing him.  Then you'll find that you are able to have a healthier relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/23/2025 at 6:58 AM, Mart1872 said:

We established at the beginning of our relationship that I consider porn and looking at other people with lust borderline cheating

You are being unreasonable and unrealistic here. And he shouldn't have agreed to enter a relationship under these parameters, knowing it's not something he would keep to. He is going to find other woman attractive, and yes, probably fantasize about them sometimes. This is human nature, whether you can accept that or not.  I can see agreeing to not watch porn, but to never look at another women with lust? Come on, now. 

On 8/23/2025 at 6:58 AM, Mart1872 said:

he says he never got an erection

You cannot be the Penis Police. Or the Thought Police. You realize he's likely already experienced erections over women who aren't you, right? Whether they're the contrived and edited OF models or the hot little barista at the coffee shop, it happens sometimes. You don't own his penis, girl. It's going to respond to stinuli that aren't you every now and then. 

On 8/23/2025 at 6:58 AM, Mart1872 said:

 I don't understand anything about this situation

What's not to understand? He went along with an unrealisitic demand of yours, but the truth is, he likes looking at hot women sometimes. Now you know. Break up with him if it's too much to bear. It's really that simple. 

Have you always been this insecure, though? You have some issues to work on here too. This is not all on him. 

 

[stillafool]

I agree with the others; you are being unreasonable.  No matter what a guy tells you he will look at other women in a lustful way.  People are human, it doesn't mean they will cheat just because they appreciate the beauty of someone else.  Jealousy and accusations will make someone cheat.