Ex wants to get back with me after loving someone else.

[freddiefree]

Okay I'm going to try and keep this brief. Me and my ex were together for 4 years and last November 2024 she broke up with me due to personal reasons but if you guys would like to know then I will discuss it further. We were no contact until February when it was her birthday and I messaged her it is really hard for me to do that and I felt really stupid when she messaged back and she was all happy and saying that she had moved on and had a new boy and this and that the other and I was like 4 years with me and not even 3 months later you already with somebody else?

Anyways fast forward to July of this year she message me on Instagram and after talking for a day or two she made it known that she had broke up with her new boy and wanted to get back with me. She said that being with him showed her what all she had with me and how good I was and how she took everything I gave her for granted  and that she regretted leaving and that she was stupid to do so and things along those lines. Of course me being excited and still being in love with her I happily welcomed her back and we started talking taking things slow.

Eventually though I started asking questions but has the excitement died down and the logic started kicking in and I started asking questions and to make long matter short she said that she initially got into another relationship has a distraction from leaving me and that the rebound relationship ended up being serious to her and she loved him. They did all the couple things do obviously meeting his parents, staying the night at his place all those things and that bothers me deeply.

I of course worked on myself I've currently lost a hundred pounds I tried putting myself out there meeting new people but I just couldn't I was still so in love and attached to her that I couldn't connect to anybody else physically mentally or emotionally and it hurt me so bad hearing how she could move on within months of leaving me and love somebody else and have sex andand be happy with somebody else.  It makes me feel like she didn't truly love me or the love dried up but if the love dried up how can it be back you know? How am I not the rebound guy or the safe option? 

She said that her new boyfriend was a real piece of s*** and treated her poorly and verbally abused her mentally abused her used her for sex and essentially took advantage of her in a vulnerable state which she saw as love I guess I don't know. But I've been struggling so hard with these feelings of unfairness and betrayal and anger and sadness even though I know that we were both separated and single and she had every single right to find somebody else and move on and do whatever she wanted I get that I see that but it still hurts me and bothers me so deeply that it's affecting us now.

I want to be with this woman I feel like I want to be with this woman I feel like she's my soulmate and she says the same. We were very very close and connected with each other our first time together and again if anybody would like to know the full unfiltered story of what happened then I can explain. But I guess I'm making this post just to vent and ask if anybody else was or is in a similar situation and what they did to either have the strength to walk away from them or have the strength to work it out. Please any and all help is truly and deeply appreciated.

We are still talking and have gotten further into the relationship we spent the night together a few times though nothing sexual has happened because I can't bring myself to do anything. We cuddle and kiss hug hang out and The vibes are nice and almost feels like old times but there's always this nagging down in the back of my head that she'll leave me again that I'm replaceable that no matter how safe and secure I feel she'll leave that no matter how perfect I am I make one mistake and she's gone and no I did not cheat on her or anything of that nature for her to leave me.

I find that I'm able to enjoy myself while she's with me but as soon as things start to get remotely physical I kind of cringe and kill the vibe and I know that's destroying us and she's telling me that she understands that she's willing to be patient and we talk about it but I don't know but I just have a stick on my ass or something LOL is it normal to feel this way is it normal to be in the situation I don't know.

Edited 20 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting, language

[ExpatInItaly]

My guy, you need to use paragraphs. 

It doesn't sound as though this is going to work out the second time around. Things have shifted and I wouldn't trust the connection anymore. If you were such connected soulmates, why did she break up with you before? 

[Gebidozo]

Why did she break up with you in the first place?

If it was because you cheated or otherwise gravely hurt her, then maybe a second chance is possible now that she has seemingly got over the hurt.

If she just fell out of love with you, I wouldn’t give this a second chance. She might be just looking for consolation after things with the other guy didn’t work out. This is obviously not what you want, so perhaps this is not a good idea.

[floatingonwater]

This shows patterns of the "anxious-avoidant" cycle where you are the anxious partner, and she is the avoidant. 

Her being the "avoidant partner"
 

Quote

 

  she broke up with me

 

Avoidant attachment styles tend to be the first to cut it off, though her returning to you sounds more like anxious-avoidant (a mix of the two attachments) 

 

Quote

She said that her new boyfriend was a real piece of s*** and treated her poorly and verbally abused her mentally abused her used her for sex and essentially took advantage of her in a vulnerable state which she saw as love I guess I don't know. 

This is sounds vaguely like "vulnerable narcissist" in that she isn't taking accountability for her decision to enter this abusive relationship, though I do not know the context well enough

 

You being the "anxious partner"

Quote

but there's always this nagging down in the back of my head that she'll leave me again that I'm replaceable that no matter how safe and secure I feel she'll leave that no matter how perfect I am I make one mistake and she's gone and no I did not cheat on her or anything of that nature for her to leave me. 

This is the epitome of anxiety. It sounds like you are always "on edge" and worrying. It seems like "stepping on eggshells" or hyper-vigilant too. This even goes beyond anxious attachment and describe someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Quote

Of course me being excited and still being in love with her I happily welcomed her back and we started talking taking things slow.

Anxious attachment styles tend to be very permissive and agreeable (e.g., happily welcome) as they often sacrifice their own wellbeing for love. 

 

Quote

Eventually though I started asking questions

This could be a checking behavior, typical of relationship OCD. This is more likely because you were feeling insecure. An example of insecurity is: "[I feel]  like she didn't truly love me"

 

Quote

I of course worked on myself I've currently lost a hundred pounds I tried putting myself out there

This is a great thing. However, the dark side of this is that it could be overcompensating for an underlying feeling of "not good enough". People who feel "not enough" often will work on becoming "good enough" or "better". 

 

Quote

 want to be with this woman I feel like I want to be with this woman I feel like she's my soulmate and she says the same. 

While this is romantic, it is also like being addicted to a drug because she keeps hurting you. True love is like what you describe (i.e., soulmate, wanting, desire, being together) but without the betrayal and painful emotions that you are experiencing. 

IN CONCLUSION

Consider therapy to learn how to hold boundaries, to face the fear of aloneness or abandonment, and raise your self esteem so you are not so dependent on her validation. Learn about healthy relationships since you value taking care of yourself; toxic relationships run opposite to that. Consider couples counseling if she is willing (though I am doubtful). You have so many wonderful traits. You are patient, loving, and a giver. I think she does see you as a safe option and using that as exploitation. A part of being a lover is spotting a predatory relationship and addressing it rather than being leeched of all the good you can provide. 

[freddiefree]

5 hours ago, floatingonwater said:

This shows patterns of the "anxious-avoidant" cycle where you are the anxious partner, and she is the avoidant. 

Her being the "avoidant partner"
 

Avoidant attachment styles tend to be the first to cut it off, though her returning to you sounds more like anxious-avoidant (a mix of the two attachments) 

 

This is sounds vaguely like "vulnerable narcissist" in that she isn't taking accountability for her decision to enter this abusive relationship, though I do not know the context well enough

 

You being the "anxious partner"

This is the epitome of anxiety. It sounds like you are always "on edge" and worrying. It seems like "stepping on eggshells" or hyper-vigilant too. This even goes beyond anxious attachment and describe someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Anxious attachment styles tend to be very permissive and agreeable (e.g., happily welcome) as they often sacrifice their own wellbeing for love. 

 

This could be a checking behavior, typical of relationship OCD. This is more likely because you were feeling insecure. An example of insecurity is: "[I feel]  like she didn't truly love me"

 

This is a great thing. However, the dark side of this is that it could be overcompensating for an underlying feeling of "not good enough". People who feel "not enough" often will work on becoming "good enough" or "better". 

 

While this is romantic, it is also like being addicted to a drug because she keeps hurting you. True love is like what you describe (i.e., soulmate, wanting, desire, being together) but without the betrayal and painful emotions that you are experiencing. 

IN CONCLUSION

Consider therapy to learn how to hold boundaries, to face the fear of aloneness or abandonment, and raise your self esteem so you are not so dependent on her validation. Learn about healthy relationships since you value taking care of yourself; toxic relationships run opposite to that. Consider couples counseling if she is willing (though I am doubtful). You have so many wonderful traits. You are patient, loving, and a giver. I think she does see you as a safe option and using that as exploitation. A part of being a lover is spotting a predatory relationship and addressing it rather than being leeched of all the good you can provide. 

Thank you so much for this honestly. Very insightful and thought provoking. Exactly what I needed to hear. For a little bit of context yes I am and anxious attachment style when I was younger I was abused and put through the Foster system before being adopted after a couple years so I always carry around in a complete feelings and due to all of that. So I always try extra hard to make sure my partner knows that they are loved by me and cared for and provided for even if it means doing things I don't want or putting myself into debt and this and that the other you hit the nail on the head lol. I am trying my hardest to make this work because I feel like it can work and I wanted to work but again there's that doubt in the back of my head that she's just using me has a safe option and that I'm the fool to fall for it but knowing her I feel like everything she says and does is genuine and we've been doing really really well the last two months you've been talking and I'm still able to enjoy myself with her I still find peace with her I still enjoy us laying together and talking and it feels like old times. It's just the physical aspect that I am struggling with but slowly it's coming back slowly we're starting to do more and slowly the stocks of her with other people that want me are fading they're still there but not as prominent yk

[freddiefree]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My guy, you need to use paragraphs. 

It doesn't sound as though this is going to work out the second time around. Things have shifted and I wouldn't trust the connection anymore. If you were such connected soulmates, why did she break up with you before? 

I know about the paragraphs I'm sorry I'm usually really well about that but I just turned on text to speech and started talking and it all came out. I appreciate your feedback though and if you are the mod that proofread it it is appreciated but I will make a separate post dealing to the actual breakup because it is a lot to explain and doesnt really fit into a reply. Everybody I have talked to has said that I should leave and I shouldn't welcome her back and I deep down no I shouldn't I can feel it but there's that nagging constant battle between the mind and the heart and I want this to work I truly do I feel with enough work and talking and communicating with her which something we've always been good at that we can work through this speed boat and it's something that I feel I'm willing to commit to does that make sense? Even though I feel like and no I should leave I feel like and know you can make it work if we take things slow what a contradiction right lol

[freddiefree]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Why did she break up with you in the first place?

If it was because you cheated or otherwise gravely hurt her, then maybe a second chance is possible now that she has seemingly got over the hurt.

If she just fell out of love with you, I wouldn’t give this a second chance. She might be just looking for consolation after things with the other guy didn’t work out. This is obviously not what you want, so perhaps this is not a good idea.

I will make a several post dealing to the actual breakup because it is a lot but something happens in our relationship that was kept from me and no I did not cheat and she also did not cheat but when she finally told me about this thing that happened she waited about 5 months afterwards and when I found out I lost my temper and she said that it made her feel gross and that she couldn't see me the same way. I feel like her finding another partner is obviously okay because again we were single but it still feels weird that she could do that but then come back to me and say that she still loves me and that she loves me while she was with them and that she was always thinking about me while I was with him and all that because I admittedly did talk to other people and I get what she says because I started developing feelings in a way for these people but then once things started getting physical with them and what not I couldn't connect with them anymore I could never go through with it because my body and mind and heart still belong to her does that make sense and for her to be able to do all these things with other people bothers me because it shows that I don't know she didn't truly love me or love me as much as I love her I don't know how something like that works

[floatingonwater]

5 hours ago, freddiefree said:

she's just using me has a safe option and that I'm the fool to fall for it

There is nothing wrong with being a safe option. It actually means that you are loving properly. Love is safe. Love isn't "unsafe" like her ex you described. Being safe means you are ready and capable of love. 

 

I see two major options, though there are more.

 

One option is patience. You process the grief and then you forgive and keep forgiving. She might make another mistake, and another, and maybe 99 more times. This path is a difficult one that often is not (therapeutically) advised to go down but is advised by some religions 

 

Another option is to learn to say no. No means, "if you don't stop, something you do not want will happen with 100% certainty" (jordan peterson quote). The 100% certainty is the aspect i want to emphasize. Figure out what is something you can step your foot down and not move. It could be her breaking up with you again. You can tell her, "if you break up with me again, that's that. No more. The end." and you follow through with unwavering conviction. You do not accept her messages asking for again and again. You do not try to make the relationship work again. It is final. This is also a hard thing to do. This is boundaries and you can look online for "holding boundaries"

Edited 3 hours ago by floatingonwater