Looking for guidance/support!

[sek73]

Hello everyone,

I’m new here and reaching out because I really need some advice and support.

My wife and I have been married for 19 years and we have a 17-year-old son. For the past couple of years our relationship has been strained, and divorce has been on the table. She asked that we try to stay in the same home until our son graduates, but it’s becoming more and more difficult.

She’s struggling with our son getting ready for his senior year (some abandonment issues) and also with peri-menopause, which I do have empathy for, but it has made her more emotional than usual.

Recently, things boiled over. My wife and our son were arguing in the kitchen. As my son walked past me, I told him he needed to calm down. He shouted “shut up” at me (the first time he’s ever spoken to me that way). When I asked him what he said, he exploded—cussing, accusing me of being a bad father, even bringing up things between me and his mom. It made me wonder if my wife has been sharing things with him that she probably shouldn’t.

He then said he wanted to stay away for a couple of days because he thought I was going to hit him. For the record, there has never been abuse. I may have spanked him  when he was younger, but that’s it. Honestly, I was shocked he would even think that. What’s worse is that my wife didn’t really stand up for me—it almost felt like she believed I could hurt him.

To put it into perspective, my son is 6’2” and 220 lbs, a strong baseball player. The idea that I’d physically go after him is not only false but crazy.

I feel completely stuck between my wife’s emotional state and my son pulling away from me. Has anyone else been through something like this? How do I repair my relationship with my son while also navigating what feels like the end of my marriage?

Thanks for listening.

[basil67]

"Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down"    Honestly, the only thing "calm down" achieves is to piss people off.   A much better approach would have been to address both people "Hey guys, it's getting pretty heated in here.  How about taking some time out to regroup".  

As for the things he said about you and your wife, kids are smart and they know what's going on.  I'm sure he's heard arguments or strong whispers behind closed doors.   And you shouldn't need your wife to stand up for you...rather, you should reassure him that you love him and would never hit him.  But also consider how you may be appearing when you're angry. Have you ever hit a wall/ thumped a table/thrown stuff when you're mad?   And your son may still be holding resentment for being spanked.  

To repair your relationship with your son, spending quality time with him could help.  What does he like to do?   How about a father son day at a major league baseball match?   

All in all though, I think there's a lot of damage here which may need to be unpacked in family therapy, particularly as we don't see how you all interact and hear all sides.