basil67 Posted August 25 Posted August 25 2 hours ago, coconutcoast said: I honestly don't know what makes that statement "weird", hearing that from him would just show me how much emotion/care this person has actually invested into me. Them being vulnerable enough to tell me that is beautiful. Vulnerable is good in a solid relationship. But if an ex (or someone who was breaking up with me) said that, I'd roll my eyes. It's all too dramatic for me
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25 Posted August 25 5 hours ago, basil67 said: But if an ex (or someone who was breaking up with me) said that, I'd roll my eyes. It's all too dramatic for me Yes, I agree. It's too much. But, it further underlines the point that this was really not a match, OP, You two aren't suited to each other and he didn't care the way you wanted him to
introverted1 Posted August 25 Posted August 25 On 8/21/2025 at 5:26 PM, coconutcoast said: would you reach out to your gf after she categorizes you as someone that's affecting her mental health? & refers to you as terrifying? I wouldn't reach out to someone who posted stories/memes rather than talk to me directly. I'd find it childish and passive aggressive and it would only make me more convinced that the breakup was the right move.
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 (edited) On 8/25/2025 at 1:20 AM, basil67 said: Vulnerable is good in a solid relationship. But if an ex (or someone who was breaking up with me) said that, I'd roll my eyes. It's all too dramatic for me I wasn't breaking up with him though. I was expressing my acceptance to what seemed like him giving up on the relationship, while also pointing out to him that the emotional investment I had would gladly be reciprocated elsewhere. Edited September 1 by coconutcoast
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 On 8/25/2025 at 9:21 AM, introverted1 said: I wouldn't reach out to someone who posted stories/memes rather than talk to me directly. I'd find it childish and passive aggressive and it would only make me more convinced that the breakup was the right move. what if you're at your boiling point and feel like you're talking to a wall? and you need that distance that posting a story provides to express how you're feeling?
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 On 8/21/2025 at 8:25 PM, ExpatInItaly said: I would not care to hear from her ever again. Expat, this response is confusing and disappointing to me. If I end up affecting someone's mental, it is unfair, inconsiderate and irresponsible of me to just abandon them or that relationship just because of that fact. I would sit with myself, and them, to figure out what exactly what is going on, what has a negative impact, what I/we can work on to make that person/the relationship more comfortable, etc. If someone calls me scary I will want to know why they feel scared, maybe I pushes limits, crossed boundaries/comfort zones, etc. I won't conclude I am not the one for them. I may have internal issues that need my attention & that prevent me from properly bonding, etc with others. Thoughts?
basil67 Posted September 1 Posted September 1 (edited) 1 hour ago, coconutcoast said: If I end up affecting someone's mental, it is unfair, inconsiderate and irresponsible of me to just abandon them or that relationship just because of that fact. I would sit with myself, and them, to figure out what exactly what is going on, what has a negative impact, what I/we can work on to make that person/the relationship more comfortable, etc. If someone calls me scary I will want to know why they feel scared, maybe I pushes limits, crossed boundaries/comfort zones, etc. I won't conclude I am not the one for them. I may have internal issues that need my attention & that prevent me from properly bonding, etc with others. If they are done with you and don't want to sit with you and figure it out, then you really don't have a choice. 1 hour ago, coconutcoast said: what if you're at your boiling point and feel like you're talking to a wall? and you need that distance that posting a story provides to express how you're feeling? Then you privately confide in a trusted friend or therapist. Those people who put stories and memes about their personal relationship are really annoying. If they are a friend or acquaintance, I tend to ignore them for a bit....then unfollow if they keep it up. If it was an ex who did this, I'd lose any remaining respect for them and block them. When it comes to social media, I'm only there for your holiday pics, babies, kittens and art. In short, things which bring me joy Edited September 1 by basil67 1
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: If they are done with you and don't want to sit with you and figure it out, then you really don't have a choice. meaning I seemed like I was done with him?
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 (edited) 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: Then you privately confide in a trusted friend or therapist. n/a >.< I also did that to show like hey, this is what is pushing me away from you. I am not the type to just go silent on someone w/o explaining why. I have a lot of empathy, even for those that hurt me, so I felt it was only fair that I let him know what drove me into my corner, that i felt like he also wanted to withdraw into (which is why i didn't further message him directly). like that i didn't sleep with a guilty conscience.. Edited September 1 by coconutcoast
basil67 Posted September 1 Posted September 1 2 minutes ago, coconutcoast said: meaning I seemed like I was done with him? No, meaning that they are done with you and your behaviour. They are under no obligation to work with you to sort things out 3 minutes ago, coconutcoast said: n/a >.< You don't have a trusted friend? Can't afford a therapist?
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 34 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, meaning that they are done with you and your behaviour. They are under no obligation to work with you to sort things out oh, i think you misunderstood my reply to expat. he said he wouldn't care to hear from someone ever again that found him "terrifying" or "affecting her mental health".. and the message you replied to ("If I end up affecting someone's mental, it is unfair, inconsiderate and irresponsible of me to just abandon them or that relationship just because of that fact. I would sit with myself, and them, to figure out what exactly what is going on, what has a negative impact, what I/we can work on to make that person/the relationship more comfortable, etc. If someone calls me scary I will want to know why they feel scared, maybe I pushes limits, crossed boundaries/comfort zones, etc. I won't conclude I am not the one for them. I may have internal issues that need my attention & that prevent me from properly bonding, etc with others. ") was not regarding myself but the person that is so-called scary or unhealthy for their partner.
basil67 Posted September 1 Posted September 1 (edited) 17 minutes ago, coconutcoast said: oh, i think you misunderstood my reply to expat. he said he wouldn't care to hear from someone ever again that found him "terrifying" or "affecting her mental health".. and the message you replied to ("If I end up affecting someone's mental, it is unfair, inconsiderate and irresponsible of me to just abandon them or that relationship just because of that fact. I would sit with myself, and them, to figure out what exactly what is going on, what has a negative impact, what I/we can work on to make that person/the relationship more comfortable, etc. If someone calls me scary I will want to know why they feel scared, maybe I pushes limits, crossed boundaries/comfort zones, etc. I won't conclude I am not the one for them. I may have internal issues that need my attention & that prevent me from properly bonding, etc with others. ") was not regarding myself but the person that is so-called scary or unhealthy for their partner. Thank you for explaining. Thing is though, what you would do is irrelevant because he isn't you. If he doesn't want to work through it or talk it over, then there's nothing to be done. All you can do is let it go Meanwhile, the bigger question is something you should be answering: Why did you stay with him when he was calling you toxic, was dismissive, avoidant and really didn't care? Edited September 1 by basil67
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 (edited) 22 minutes ago, basil67 said: Thank you for explaining. Thing is though, what you would do is irrelevant because he isn't you. If he doesn't want to work through it or talk it over, then there's nothing to be done. All you can do is let it go Meanwhile, the bigger question is something you should be answering: Why did you stay with him when he was calling you toxic, was dismissive, avoidant and really didn't care? Cause I fell in love with him. Before he showed that ugly, arrogant & super prideful side. And then by then it was too late, I can't just unlove him. I even felt he was my twin flame. There were times I was toxic, but never intentionally. Just due to my anxiety, ocd and overthinking. Edited September 1 by coconutcoast
Author coconutcoast Posted September 1 Author Posted September 1 1 hour ago, basil67 said: You don't have a trusted friend? Can't afford a therapist? They give different, biased advice. One tells me to reach out to him, even for the sake of our "friendship" (we were good friends for a year before being intimate) One impulsively just days she can't stand him Another that women should never be "chasing" men, which is what she says it seems I'll be doing if I reach out to him.
Gebidozo Posted September 1 Posted September 1 6 minutes ago, coconutcoast said: They give different, biased advice. One tells me to reach out to him, even for the sake of our "friendship" (we were good friends for a year before being intimate) One impulsively just days she can't stand him Another that women should never be "chasing" men, which is what she says it seems I'll be doing if I reach out to him. All of those are useless or bad advices. You shouldn’t reach out to him, not because that would be considered “chasing”, but because there is no good reason for doing that. The toxic relationship is, thankfully, over. He called you names, you wrote an essay calling him names. You broke up. It’s done. I don’t understand why you’re willing to waste any more of your time and mental and emotional energy on this. 1
basil67 Posted September 1 Posted September 1 (edited) 4 hours ago, coconutcoast said: Cause I fell in love with him. Before he showed that ugly, arrogant & super prideful side. And then by then it was too late, I can't just unlove him. I even felt he was my twin flame. Nah, you're not going to love him forever. Well, at least not if you're sensible 4 hours ago, coconutcoast said: There were times I was toxic, but never intentionally. Just due to my anxiety, ocd and overthinking. And now you're turning toxicity on yourself by keeping you in this loop of loving a guy who doesn't care about you. You really do need a therapist Edited September 1 by basil67
ShyViolet Posted September 1 Posted September 1 (edited) 10 hours ago, coconutcoast said: If I end up affecting someone's mental, it is unfair, inconsiderate and irresponsible of me to just abandon them or that relationship just because of that fact. I would sit with myself, and them, to figure out what exactly what is going on, what has a negative impact, what I/we can work on to make that person/the relationship more comfortable, etc. This is co-dependent nonsense. Someone else's mental health and happiness is not your responsibility, *especially* someone who is your EX and who you had a failed relationship with. No it's not your place to "work on it" to make them more comfortable. Walking away from them is not "abandoning" them, you are literally supposed to walk away and move on when you break up with someone and the dynamic between the two of you wasn't working. That's what normal, emotionally well-adjusted people do. Not remain tethered to the person and make every excuse in the world to stay connected to them. You are just making excuse after excuse about why you should continue to reach out to him. You sound like you have your mind made up that you're going to stay tied to him and not going to let him go, no matter what advice anyone gives you. Edited September 1 by ShyViolet 4
introverted1 Posted September 1 Posted September 1 11 hours ago, coconutcoast said: what if you're at your boiling point and feel like you're talking to a wall? and you need that distance that posting a story provides to express how you're feeling? Write it in your diary or in a letter (that you don't send). Not being able to appropriately regulate your emotions and actions is a red flag.
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