Gebidozo Posted August 21 Posted August 21 1 hour ago, coconutcoast said: i think we as human beings live and learn. we undergo growth and become better individuals. a lot of people make mistakes, a lot of people part from one another and return together better than before. i am one of the people that self-reflects & was always into the world of self dev/growth. if he shares that, we can make something good out of it. Sorry, but this sounds like you’re rationalizing the fact that you can’t disengage yourself from that strange and utterly unsatisfying relationship. On a side note, it’s actually extremely rare that people part and then get together better than before. 2
Author coconutcoast Posted August 21 Author Posted August 21 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Sorry, but this sounds like you’re rationalizing the fact that you can’t disengage yourself from that strange and utterly unsatisfying relationship. On a side note, it’s actually extremely rare that people part and then get together better than before. have you ever heard of the "no contact rule"? Edited August 21 by coconutcoast
Gebidozo Posted August 21 Posted August 21 2 hours ago, coconutcoast said: so w/ this logic, you can say i wasn't into him either. since i didn't want to see him so often.. what did i do that he didn't? Well, to be honest, I would never accept a serious relationship where my partner and I live only an hour apart yet only see each other once per month. So yes, if you suggested that to me I’d definitely think that you weren’t really into me. But, judging from your description, his investment in the relationship was even less than yours, to the point that he made you feel that he wasn’t as attached to you as you were to him. 1
Author coconutcoast Posted August 21 Author Posted August 21 10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Well, to be honest, I would never accept a serious relationship where my partner and I live only an hour apart yet only see each other once per month. So yes, if you suggested that to me I’d definitely think that you weren’t really into me. But, judging from your description, his investment in the relationship was even less than yours, to the point that he made you feel that he wasn’t as attached to you as you were to him. he got tired of the virtual world.
Author coconutcoast Posted August 21 Author Posted August 21 (edited) let me put it this way even if this man had dropped down on one knee, or even asked me to get just engaged with him within the next year, i would've been unsure. so in all fairness, i too had no "plan". i was upset hearing it from him, but i was in the same exact mindset. i was with him because i had feelings for him and a lot of the time i felt like he was my twin flame. we mirrored each other a lot, shared the same attributes/characteristics. now you might laugh & say well if you saw him as your tf why didn't you engage more, etc. in summary i wasn't ready. with that being said, is it fair that i use that "no plan" against him when i would've rejected it if he had one? Edited August 21 by coconutcoast
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21 Posted August 21 OP, you don't need our endorsement to reach out to him. It's clear you really want to and are looking for reasons to do so. So, go ahead.
flitzanu Posted August 21 Posted August 21 22 hours ago, coconutcoast said: in all fairness, he desired more frequent "dates", but that frequency was what worked for me. i cannot blame him only. we both had avoidant tendencies, both grew up with similar parenting that messed us up in similar ways. plus i was always the independent, introverted type that did not want to live my life on call or glued to a guy, losing my autonomy. we were both "lone wolfs". but when one of us reached out there was never a delay in response & we were always there for one another. there was chemistry of all sorts from the getgo, both online & in person. but we were reluctant/scared to let ourselves go. why is it that he is the one that should have reached out by now if he cares? what if he has that same thought process about me? the last question, why is it on him, is simple. he dumped you, therefore he's the one that would be reaching out to you to reconcile this. if you reach out, you're just going to be met with more of the same ambivalence and lack of interest, because you already reached out once to try to fix this and you were met with ambivalence and some weird response about "dancing" and you wanted resolution that you didn't get. and then he just went completely silent. if he cared at all, don't you think he would have reached out over the last 3 months? 1
Author coconutcoast Posted August 21 Author Posted August 21 (edited) 3 hours ago, flitzanu said: the last question, why is it on him, is simple. he dumped you, therefore he's the one that would be reaching out to you to reconcile this. if you reach out, you're just going to be met with more of the same ambivalence and lack of interest, because you already reached out once to try to fix this and you were met with ambivalence and some weird response about "dancing" and you wanted resolution that you didn't get. and then he just went completely silent. if he cared at all, don't you think he would have reached out over the last 3 months? he did not dump me. before i brought that to his attention, to him we were fine/stable. he didn't see a need/rush to virtually interact more than we were. but for some reason i wanted that. maybe out of love, attachment, distraction, etc. when he told me he had no plan, it was to express how there is no state of urgency for us to be behaving in a way as if we were part of 90 day fiance. in summary he was just seeing where it goes and if we were truly right for each other (which i was too). we both didn't want to make a move that we both weren't ready for. i know in my heart of hearts that if i had proposed to spend real time with him, he would've been much more excited about that. we both went completely silent. i went silent the night before i posted the stories. he said something unrelated to the texting, etc, was talking about his day & i just replied with ok. then the next day after his "lol" at one of the "funny" stories, he had nothing else to add i guess after observing that i was in a serious, getawayfromme mood after all. would you reach out to your gf after she categorizes you as someone that's affecting her mental health? & refers to you as terrifying? https://www.instagram.com/p/DGUicKtsvSo/ Edited August 21 by coconutcoast
basil67 Posted August 21 Posted August 21 2 hours ago, coconutcoast said: would you reach out to your gf after she categorizes you as someone that's affecting her mental health? & refers to you as terrifying? Hell no. If that's how they see me, then the relationship is clearly done 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Posted August 22 5 hours ago, coconutcoast said: would you reach out to your gf after she categorizes you as someone that's affecting her mental health? & refers to you as terrifying? I would not care to hear from her ever again. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 22 Posted August 22 22 hours ago, coconutcoast said: & what if he reaches out & shows with his actions, etc that he is worth considering? it's not like he intentionally wanted to disrespect me or cheated on me.. he expressed resentment for the times where i was hurt by him, explaining it was never his intention. You are making so many rationalizations and excuses to dance around the simple fact that continuing this with him would be a poor decision. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Posted August 22 24 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You are making so many rationalizations and excuses to dance around the simple fact that continuing this with him would be a poor decision. I agtee. I'm just seeing a ton of back-pedalling and trying to blame herself so she can give herself permission to reach out to him. 1
Author coconutcoast Posted August 22 Author Posted August 22 (edited) 36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would not care to hear from her ever again. because..? there is also the high, empathetic & self-aware route of being a better partner if you truly loved her. Edited August 22 by coconutcoast
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Posted August 22 13 minutes ago, coconutcoast said: because..? there is also the high, empathetic & self-aware route of being a better partner if you truly loved her. Because I don't date emotionally unstable people.
Author coconutcoast Posted August 22 Author Posted August 22 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Because I don't date emotionally unstable people. what makes her emotionally unstable in this situation?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22 Posted August 22 Good grief. I am not interested in going around in circles with you. Reach out to him if you want.
Gebidozo Posted August 22 Posted August 22 9 hours ago, coconutcoast said: would you reach out to your gf after she categorizes you as someone that's affecting her mental health? & refers to you as terrifying? Of course not. Why would I want to have anything to do with a person who views me that way?
Gebidozo Posted August 22 Posted August 22 2 hours ago, coconutcoast said: because..? there is also the high, empathetic & self-aware route of being a better partner if you truly loved her. Why would I be interested in being a better partner to someone who thinks I’m terrifying? You barely even saw the guy, yet you already found him terrifying. That’s an automatic reason for an immediate mutual breakup. Why do you keep applying the word “love” to this? You can’t love a person whom you consider terrifying. You two were barely together, spent almost no time with each other, yet still managed to fight and criticize each other and generally be toxic to each other all the time. Why do you want to continue wasting your life on something like that? 1 1
stillafool Posted August 22 Posted August 22 On 8/20/2025 at 12:09 AM, coconutcoast said: Quote A couple months ago I brought to his attention how I don't feel like my presence mattered to him because he isn't as attached to me as I felt I was to him. This does not sound like something a loner would think or say. He definitely sounds like a loner and makes it clear, you don't. Quote His response was: he actually did make an effort to talk to me when i didn't (which sometimes i admit he did, however i wanted more consistency & he felt i was pressuring him or wanting to "change him", he feels I deserve better than him and he feels that he can't make me happy no matter what he does & in the grand scheme of things he actually doesn't have a "plan"/ "doesn't really know what he wants in life", i was confused and really hurt. When someone says you deserve better than them they are letting you go and have no desire to do the work to be with you. A man who is in love with a woman would never say that because they couldn't stand the thought of you with someone else. It sounds like he was tired of being nagged to do something he didn't want to do. i Quote asked him why wait until now to tell me this, that it was inconsiderate of him after everything we've been through & i invested all i had. he said he was actually being considerate as he didn't like how i was "suffering" with him and "unhappy", so why should he drag me along further in this. if his conclusion really is i deserve better & he truly thinks/feels that, wouldn't he would deliver it? i felt like he didn't love me & he assured me he did from the moment we met. & still does. Yes he most certainly would if he loved and wanted you. He may love you as a person and friend but he isn't in love with you. Quote eventually decide to call him. Why? It definitely reads like he broke up with you and you reached out already to try to patch things up, but he didn't ask you to get back together and assure you things were going to change. Instead, it's been 3-1/2 months, and he still hasn't reached out to try to get you back, but you want to contact him hoping it will put you two back together. At this point that would be chasing him. I agree with the others that this really didn't seem like a relationship at all. You barely saw each other. 1
Author coconutcoast Posted August 24 Author Posted August 24 I'd like to add that during our last interaction, when i was in and out of letting go, i told him i think it's time i let this go & go find someone that'll cry for me as I did for you. his response was: "and what if you don't find that?", to which i replied: "I will, 'cause i deserve it." why he asked me that q is still unclear. thoughts? also, do you ladies and gents believe in the attachment style theory? anxious, avoidant, etc. and do you believe it plays a role in how we interact within our relationships? Thanks
basil67 Posted August 24 Posted August 24 He probably asked you the question because he thought your statement was weird. Why did he need to know this? And truth is, getting what we want in a relationship has far more to do with making sensible decisions than thinking you "deserve" something. I think there may be something in attachment theory, but I also think that it's overdone in pop culture. I don't know why people can't just say "we're not compatible" 1
Gebidozo Posted August 25 Posted August 25 3 hours ago, coconutcoast said: I'd like to add that during our last interaction, when i was in and out of letting go, i told him i think it's time i let this go & go find someone that'll cry for me as I did for you. his response was: "and what if you don't find that?", to which i replied: "I will, 'cause i deserve it." why he asked me that q is still unclear. thoughts? My thought is that your breakup, and your relationship, sound like an overwrought high school romance. 3 hours ago, coconutcoast said: also, do you ladies and gents believe in the attachment style theory? anxious, avoidant, etc. and do you believe it plays a role in how we interact within our relationships? It certain does play a role, but people have been seriously abusing those terms. When someone behaves like a total jackass, they aren’t “avoidant”, they’re just a jackass. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25 Posted August 25 6 hours ago, basil67 said: He probably asked you the question because he thought your statement was weird. This. What a strange thing to say to someone. OP, you clearly kept trying to get a reaction from him. It's time to realize he is just not the one for you, and you're not the one for him. 6 hours ago, basil67 said: I think there may be something in attachment theory, but I also think that it's overdone in pop culture Agreed. Pop culture and the internet have driven people to try to label everything. Attachment theory is very, very over-used these days.
Author coconutcoast Posted August 25 Author Posted August 25 (edited) I made him aware of that as a signal that I was actually finally starting to imagine him out of the picture. My hopes were that he would respond w/ something along the lines of .."and who told you I've never cried for you/am incapable of doing that?" that's how I would've responded if I wanted someone to know that I really did care. I was at the the breaking point of exhaustion & hurt. I honestly don't know what makes that statement "weird", hearing that from him would just show me how much emotion/care this person has actually invested into me. Them being vulnerable enough to tell me that is beautiful. Edited August 25 by coconutcoast
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25 Posted August 25 Then you need to find someone who views these things the way you do. He obviously didn't.
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