guide me por favor. should i reach out?

[coconutcoast]

 Hi friends, new here. In great need of advice, insight & fresh perspective from strangers that are not biased. I appreciate all contributions.

 I was my bf for 2 years romantically after a year of friendship. I'm 31, he's 36. He lived an hour ish away from me and we saw each other approx every month (I had other stuff on my plate and that's all i could manage). Capricorn man with an aquarius woman. He wasn't really the phone call type. He claimed he behaved the same w/ friends & fam, that it was mostly them seeking interaction w/ him & he was in his own solitary bubble most of the time. an introvert/lone wolf type i guess. So was i, thus the lack of "pressure" worked for me. Our relationship was text based and audio attachments here and there.

We had our ups and downs, but in the grand scheme of things I perceived him to be a dismissive avoidant. He had all the signs, increasingly as our relationship progressed. Looking back now, I can see I also exhibited some avoidance, but more anxious/disorganized. The type to send him essays while he told me I was "toxic" & he "couldn't handle the conflict". A couple months ago I brought to his attention how I don't feel like my presence mattered to him because he isn't as attached to me as I felt I was to him. His response was: he actually did make an effort to talk to me when i didn't (which sometimes i admit he did, however i wanted more consistency & he felt i was pressuring him or wanting to "change him", he feels I deserve better than him and he feels that he can't make me happy no matter what he does & in the grand scheme of things he actually doesn't have a "plan"/ "doesn't really know what he wants in life", i was confused and really hurt. i asked him why wait until now to tell me this, that it was inconsiderate of him after everything we've been through & i invested all i had.  he said he was actually being considerate as he didn't like how i was "suffering" with him and "unhappy", so why should he drag me along further in this.  if his conclusion really is i deserve better & he truly thinks/feels that, wouldn't he would deliver it? i felt like he didn't love me & he assured me he did from the moment we met. & still does.

eventually decide to call him. i sought out that he make it better, make the hurt go away & we get to some kind of resolution/safe/warm place if you catch my drift. during the call he expressed how he wasn't ready to let go & stop seeing eachother (i can now say time proved otherwise.. but i too have maintained my distance despite my love for him). he really liked how much i cared for him/the relationship & that's hard to find (idk how to take that, it sounded selfish). regarding the no plan comment, he tried to justify by saying many ppl have had "plans" that they went along with, only to fail.  at the end of the call i was still hurt & continue texting him. after i continued my questioning regarding the inconsistency, he said he's not rlly a texter. to which i replied ok, if you don't text, what do you do then? he said i used to dance & now i dance in this thread, which was so agitating and immature ( i guess to him it was funny or he was trying to lighten up the tension, idk) i reply with ok & go to sleep.  I posted some stories the next day, one regarding emotionally unavailable ppl ( a person that lost their mind in the forest after dating an emotionally unavailable person)  and the other how to be an alpha male (10 rules: among them be terrifying, never show your emotions, remain stoic, dominate your partner, don't lost eye contact etc). maybe it was passive aggressive of my behalf but I just about had it with him at that point and felt like he gave me no choice but to walk. He replied to one of those stories with "Lol" , (the forest one, which tbh was funny in the grand scheme of things, but i was too hurt to laugh with him) I leave him on read.

And now it's been 3 1/2 half months. 

I feel like I may have hurt him, but I had been hit too. It is worth adding that the last time we were intimate I expressed regret afterwards. It had been months since i saw him & I felt like it was too impulsive. He brought up later how he didn't like my reaction at all & seemed as if I "didn't want to go far" w/ him in the relationship. 

I don't even know how to reach out at this point or if it's worth it. I still have love for him & we didn't end on terrible terms. I don't want to move on without first trying to mend things if possible. I want to give it another go & this time if I find he hasn't reflected or gained insight into his wrongdoings & impact on the relationship then I am calling it quits. We've had breaks in the past but this one was the longest. 

Edited yesterday at 04:20 AM by coconutcoast

[Gebidozo]

I don’t understand what the point of this relationship was to begin with.

You lived an hour apart and still only met once per month. You kept arguing, fighting, accusing each other, and taking breaks, even though you barely saw each other. Those weird, completely unromantic, and surely unpleasant interactions ate up hours and days and weeks of your time, and for some reason dragged on for two whole years.

Maybe it’s time to find a normal boyfriend and have a normal relationship with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

This was barely a relationship, by the sounds of it. 

You two hardly saw each other and were clearly unsuited to each other. I don't see any point in reaching out now. It was never really in a good or sustainable place. He wasn't as into you as you were into him. 

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Maybe it’s time to find a normal boyfriend and have a normal relationship with him.

This. What  you had with this man, OP, never had legs to last. 

[coconutcoast]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He wasn't as into you as you were into him. 

what makes you say that?

[flitzanu]

was this actually a boyfriend, or was this some type of FWB situation?  because it doesn't sound like a proper relationship if you were only an hour away and hardly saw each other once a month.

further in the story you mention having sex after not seeing each other for "months" and now its been 3.5 months since you've even spoken it seems, and if this guy actually even liked you he would have reached out by now, and in the two years you were "together" there would have been more effort to see each other.

 

[ShyViolet]

Why would you reach out again to a man who acted like he didn't really care about you and was distant for the whole relationship?  Let this guy go.  Don't lose your self-respect by chasing after someone who has clearly not been as into you as you were/are into him.  'I'm not a good texter" is such a lame excuse.  If a guy cares about you, he will keep in touch with you to show that he's interested.

[coconutcoast]

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

was this actually a boyfriend, or was this some type of FWB situation?  because it doesn't sound like a proper relationship if you were only an hour away and hardly saw each other once a month.

further in the story you mention having sex after not seeing each other for "months" and now its been 3.5 months since you've even spoken it seems, and if this guy actually even liked you he would have reached out by now, and in the two years you were "together" there would have been more effort to see each other.

 

in all fairness, he desired more frequent "dates", but that frequency was what worked for me. i cannot blame him only. we both had avoidant tendencies, both grew up with similar parenting that messed us up in similar ways. plus i was always the independent, introverted type that did not want to live my life on call or glued to a guy, losing my autonomy. we were both "lone wolfs". but when one of us reached out there was never a delay in response & we were always there for one another. there was chemistry of all sorts from the getgo, both online & in person. but we were reluctant/scared to let ourselves go. 

why is it that he is the one that should have reached out by now if he cares? what if he has that same thought process about me? 

[coconutcoast]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Why would you reach out again to a man who acted like he didn't really care about you and was distant for the whole relationship?  Let this guy go.  Don't lose your self-respect by chasing after someone who has clearly not been as into you as you were/are into him.  'I'm not a good texter" is such a lame excuse.  If a guy cares about you, he will keep in touch with you to show that he's interested.

i think what he meant is he wanted more practicality. some people have no desire/benefit in texting all day just to fill the void. in all honesty all that texting didn't do us much good & meeting him would've been more beneficial for the relationship. he would eventually text, just not at the anxiously-attached rate I expected.

also, do you think it would be "chasing" to just reach out to someone i was really close to in a friendly manner, to check-in w/ him & show him i am not resentful? then he can steer it from there in whatever direction, i am not going to try to "win him back"' & am ready to let it go if that's what it's come to. 

Edited yesterday at 07:36 PM by coconutcoast

[coconutcoast]

15 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t understand what the point of this relationship was to begin with.

You lived an hour apart and still only met once per month. You kept arguing, fighting, accusing each other, and taking breaks, even though you barely saw each other. Those weird, completely unromantic, and surely unpleasant interactions ate up hours and days and weeks of your time, and for some reason dragged on for two whole years.

Maybe it’s time to find a normal boyfriend and have a normal relationship with him.

it dragged on because when we did meet & spend time w/ each other  we constantly come to terms that we care about each other & forget about all the nonsense.

& i wasn't "normal" in certain aspects either. we both had work to do. 

[coconutcoast]

i firmly believe that in love our "ego" should be turned off. it is better to take the "risk" of maybe being rejected than live your whole life in the agony of "what if" i had only showed him/her how i truly felt. regret is a terrible emotion & eats at us every day. if i do reach out, it's not just for him but also for myself. to give myself the information/closure i need to close this chapter. because even if i don't, i think about it every day. the energy i am wasting just thinking would be more than if i just do it. & then yeah, he can greet me with disinterest, but i need that info to kill any potential false hope, it's exhausting & i don't want to keep living this way. it's either we  realized we both want this or i pull away forever. & whatever he desires, i'm not going to try to convince him otherwise. the fact i've gone this long w/o him shows both myself & him that i actually don't "need" him & am not as codependent/attached as i came across. i didn't beg him either, which is a plus. 

i hope someone can understand.. thoughts? 

Edited yesterday at 08:07 PM by coconutcoast

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, coconutcoast said:

plus i was always the independent, introverted type that did not want to live my life on call or glued to a guy, losing my autonomy.

Then why did you stay for two years in an unhealthy relationship?

An independent woman who doesn’t want to be glued to a guy doesn’t waste time on a relationship that mainly consists of pointless arguing and where both partners aren’t interested in seeing each other.

You lose your autonomy when you stay in bad relationships, not when you have good relationships where both partners have mutual respect, passion, and excitement. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, coconutcoast said:

i hope someone can understand.. thoughts? 

I can understand, but I still think this is not the right way.

Instead of reaching out and potentially entangling yourself in this mess again, ask yourself why you’re so affected by the demise of a relationship that wasn’t good to begin with, that was actually barely a relationship. Try dealing with whatever issues of your own are causing you to have this reaction.

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, coconutcoast said:

i firmly believe that in love our "ego" should be turned off. it is better to take the "risk" of maybe being rejected than live your whole life in the agony of "what if" i had only showed him/her how i truly felt. regret is a terrible emotion & eats at us every day. if i do reach out, it's not just for him but also for myself.

No no no.

You are doing a lot of rationalizing.  There is no such thing as "closure".  Closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious choice to move on from something that no longer serves you.

If you reach out to him it's likely to be more of the same unhealthy dynamic that you had before.  It's not likely to give you some neat little "closure" and put an end to this.

You already have all the information you need to know that your dynamic with him wasn't working.  You are only kidding yourself by making tons of excuses for him.  If you have any self-respect you will put this in the past and stop repeating these patterns with this guy.

[coconutcoast]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Then why did you stay for two years in an unhealthy relationship?

An independent woman who doesn’t want to be glued to a guy doesn’t waste time on a relationship that mainly consists of pointless arguing and where both partners aren’t interested in seeing each other.

You lose your autonomy when you stay in bad relationships, not when you have good relationships where both partners have mutual respect, passion, and excitement. 

because for whatever reasons, I loved him. also due to my attachment issues coming from my past/core wounds.

he had no reason to change his behavior if i kept sticking around instead of being more assertive with my boundaries. i could've treated myself better but that's all i knew at that time. 

[coconutcoast]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I can understand, but I still think this is not the right way.

Instead of reaching out and potentially entangling yourself in this mess again, ask yourself why you’re so affected by the demise of a relationship that wasn’t good to begin with, that was actually barely a relationship. Try dealing with whatever issues of your own are causing you to have this reaction.

i think we as human beings live and learn. we undergo growth and become better individuals. a lot of people make mistakes, a lot of people part from one another and return together better than before. i am one of the people that self-reflects & was always into the world of self dev/growth. if he shares that, we can make something good out of it. 

[coconutcoast]

34 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No no no.

You are doing a lot of rationalizing.  There is no such thing as "closure".  Closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a conscious choice to move on from something that no longer serves you.

If you reach out to him it's likely to be more of the same unhealthy dynamic that you had before.  It's not likely to give you some neat little "closure" and put an end to this.

You already have all the information you need to know that your dynamic with him wasn't working.  You are only kidding yourself by making tons of excuses for him.  If you have any self-respect you will put this in the past and stop repeating these patterns with this guy.

^ pls see above reply.

also, would you say i have no self respect if he were to contact me & I respond? or is it just if i reach out to him?

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, coconutcoast said:

what makes you say that?

Your entire description of this non-relationship, really. Do you genuinely not see it? 

[coconutcoast]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Your entire description of this non-relationship, really. Do you genuinely not see it? 

so w/ this logic, you can say i wasn't into him either. since i didn't want to see him so often.. what did i do that he didn't?

[coconutcoast]

also, something worth mentioning is a couple months ago my phone broke & he happily gave me $400 to invest in another. i remember this deed and i still appreciate it til this day. i had no working phone & it was a disaster. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, coconutcoast said:

so w/ this logic, you can say i wasn't into him either. since i didn't want to see him so often.. what did i do that he didn't?

No, not at all.

It's obvious that it was generally you who wanted more from him than he did from you. You wanted more consisentency, you sent essays while he barely acknowòedged such texts, you felt your presence didn't matter much to him, you felt like he wasn't as attached as you were, you were upset he iddn't have a future plan..it's all right there in your post. 

It's not hard to see what was going on, in spite of how you try to rationalize it and not see it. 

Edited 18 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, coconutcoast said:

would you say i have no self respect if he were to contact me & I respond? or is it just if i reach out to him?

I think you would have no self-respect if you tried to revive this regardless of who reaches out first. Soneone with healthy self-worth wouldn't go back to dysfunction and something that clearly did not work for a long time. 

They would have realized by now this was not worth their time and energy, and make wiser investments with their heart. 

Edited 18 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[coconutcoast]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you would have no self-respect if you tried to revive this regardless of who reaches out first. Soneone with healthy self-worth wouldn't go back to dysfunction and something that clearly did not work for a long time. 

They would have realized by now this was not worth their time and energy, and make wiser investments with their heart. 

& what if he reaches out & shows with his actions, etc that he is worth considering? it's not like he intentionally wanted to disrespect me or cheated on me.. he expressed resentment for the times where i was hurt by him, explaining it was never his intention. 

Edited 18 hours ago by coconutcoast

[coconutcoast]

idk guys/girls i just feel like he felt rejected the last time we had x. i was playful, friendly, warm etc prior & then i just did a 360 on him after the act, which looking back was super awkward for him. i can imagine the hurt/confusion 

[ExpatInItaly]

Up to you, but this sounds utterly unfulfilling. 

I would not waste my time on this guy, personally. 

Edited 17 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, coconutcoast said:

& what if he reaches out & shows with his actions, etc that he is worth considering? 

Meh, I wouldn't care. I'd be well over it by now.

This guy falls way too short of what I look for in a partner.