ticaaa Posted August 19 Posted August 19 I love my fiance she is a good person and very attractive , we are suposed to get married summer next year , the problem is that i found out she flirts with other men She works at a firm that is split into 13 teams , each team has 20-25 people , my girlfriend is the only woman in her team , they finished a project and to celebrate they went to some lakehouse to celebrate , only them no girlfriends/boyfriends , my girlfriend downloaded some videos and photos in our laptop and i watched some of them , guys were grabbing her behind her neck , playfully punching with some guys , she was sitting next to a guy close ( shoulders touching ) when she got up to get a drink she put her hand on the guy's leg above his knee and when she got back she did the same I asked someone from her team that im close with if something happened between her and that guy and he said that they didnt see them kiss or something like that but they were in the care and they were sitting in the middle ( its like a minivan 3 seats in the front , 3 in the middle and 3 in the back ) , the guy was resting on the seat from the left and middle and my girlfriend was playfully trying to put the seatbelt around his neck and eventually he did it to her and he put his hand on her leg above the knee and left it there , my friend told me that she didnt move her leg or told him to back off the driver was trying to park the car with the back between two cars and the guys were making fun of him that he cant find the hole just like during sex and after he parked the car he asked my girlfriend " do you like how i put it in " and she said " not its too soft " I asked her about all this and she said that it was all just friendly stuff and nothing more , i said that it doesnt make me feel better and she told me that she doesnt want to be the kind of anti social girl and the only solution would be to quit her job What should i do ? im kinda worried
Sony12 Posted August 19 Posted August 19 At this point you shouldn't overreact as you don't have any proof that she has done anything other than joke around with coworkers. She might be naturally a little flirtatious. If it bothers you that much though you might begin wondering if you two are really right for one another. You aren't going to change her personality and you don't have proof that she did anything with these guys other than joke around with them.
Sony12 Posted August 19 Posted August 19 You also need to consider that if she indeed is the only woman of the group it is likely a very testosterone driven atmosphere. It's a good job for her so she is going to want to get along with people.
MsJayne Posted August 19 Posted August 19 Placing hands on legs is totally inappropriate. You can touch someone lightly on the arm when talking, or give someone a quick hug to greet them or when you say goodbye, or place a hand on a shoulder if someone's upset, there's certain types of touching that are OK, but hands on legs is not one of them. 3 hours ago, ticaaa said: she told me that she doesnt want to be the kind of anti social girl and the only solution would be to quit her job What a load of horse s**t. The solution is not to encourage inappropriate touching by being a flirtatious airhead and giving out the "I'm available" vibe. I'm biased because flirty people irritate me, I find them fake and sleazy, as well as often disrespectful of other people's boundaries. For 17 years I was the only female in my workplace, and not once, not ever, did any of the males ever touch me, and I was very attractive when younger. That's because I interacted with them like a professional instead of a flirtatious twit. Tell your girlfriend to grow up and have some respect for you and think hard about marrying this one. 7
Gebidozo Posted August 20 Posted August 20 Either she really thinks that this was all just friendly stuff, while you obviously don’t, then you have incompatible views about boundaries, about what is proper and what is improper. Or she acknowledges that this level of touching is inappropriate, but doesn’t want to appear “anti-social” and just goes with that. If it’s the first case, just tell her you’re not okay with this and ask her to not do this again. If she refuses, then break up with her. If it’s the second case, I’d personally break up without further discussion. I’m not against flirty behavior per se, I’m flirty myself and so is my partner, this is just a character trait. But what I don’t like is when people do things they know to be inappropriate only to blend in or “not to make waves” or whatever, just because others expect them to behave that way. It’s not that she’s going to be executed or even fired from her job if she doesn’t let that guy put his hand on her leg. All she should do is not guide him into doing that or remove his hand if he does it. 2
Interstellar Posted August 20 Posted August 20 (edited) What’s this girl’s age? she sounds like she’s in her early 20’s. Don’t overreact or get angry at her. However, keep your eyes and ears and radar open. Lower your interest level, and don’t marry her. It’s not gonna get better. Edited August 20 by Interstellar 1
Author ticaaa Posted August 20 Author Posted August 20 6 minutes ago, Interstellar said: What’s this girl’s age? she sounds like she’s in her early 20’s. Don’t overreact or get angry at her. However, keep your eyes and ears and radar open. Lower your interest level, and don’t marry her. It’s not gonna get better. shes 27
Sanch62 Posted August 20 Posted August 20 You are not going to change her; you'll only make yourself miserable trying. I would make this less about her and more about me, and how I want to live my life. Envision a future of mistrust and looking over your shoulder and sleuthing for clues of betrayal, then decide whether that's how you'll want to spend your future. 2
smackie9 Posted August 27 Posted August 27 It's all about the approach of the conversation. Just get to the point about the inappropriate touching of the leg. Ask her if you did this with another woman and saw nothing wrong with it...how would that make her feel? Sometimes just putting them into your shoes will open their eyes to their behaviour. And yes maybe it's just harmless attention in her eyes, some women are naive that way, but I know men and how they try to make good on their advances. It's called grooming. This guy is doing just that. 1
French Flow Posted September 4 Posted September 4 Anyone reading you can tell how much this situation is weighing on you. The way you’ve described everything shows just how carefully you’re paying attention to her actions, and that’s because you’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t sit right in your gut. Those are valid emotions. Here’s something many people don’t realize: women can fall into two very different categories when it comes to boundaries. 1. Clueless about boundaries. Some women genuinely don’t know that certain touches or jokes cross a line, especially if no one has ever explained it to them. They might see it as harmless fun, not realizing how disrespectful it looks or feels to their partner. These women usually aren’t acting out of malice ,they just lack awareness. If that’s her, what works best is calmly breaking it down for her. Tell her, “When you let another man put his hand on your leg, here’s what it means to me. Here’s how it makes me feel.” Tell her the list of things that would bother you. Be very specific. That way if she does it again, you know she is probably being malicious. It’s not about controlling her, it’s about helping her see the blind spot she didn’t know she had. 2. Manipulative and aware. On the other hand, some women know exactly what they’re doing. They thrive on the attention, and they’ll minimize it later by calling it “friendly” to keep you from confronting them. If that’s the case, it’s not about cluelessness ,it’s about a lack of respect. And the only way respect enters a relationship is when you draw a firm line and show that a certain behavior is not negotiable. The challenge here is figuring out which one she is. Is she genuinely unaware, or is she downplaying behavior she knows is disrespectful? That answer will determine your next step. If it’s cluelessness, go gentle and teach her. If it’s manipulation, you need to enforce your boundaries with strength. Either way, the key is not to swallow your discomfort, because if you ignore it, it will only build resentment inside you. If there were plans to marry her, postpone by a few months to observe if she is respecting the new boundaries that you have set . Good luck, I'm open if you have any questions. 1
Author ticaaa Posted September 7 Author Posted September 7 On 9/4/2025 at 11:24 AM, French Flow said: Anyone reading you can tell how much this situation is weighing on you. The way you’ve described everything shows just how carefully you’re paying attention to her actions, and that’s because you’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t sit right in your gut. Those are valid emotions. Here’s something many people don’t realize: women can fall into two very different categories when it comes to boundaries. 1. Clueless about boundaries. Some women genuinely don’t know that certain touches or jokes cross a line, especially if no one has ever explained it to them. They might see it as harmless fun, not realizing how disrespectful it looks or feels to their partner. These women usually aren’t acting out of malice ,they just lack awareness. If that’s her, what works best is calmly breaking it down for her. Tell her, “When you let another man put his hand on your leg, here’s what it means to me. Here’s how it makes me feel.” Tell her the list of things that would bother you. Be very specific. That way if she does it again, you know she is probably being malicious. It’s not about controlling her, it’s about helping her see the blind spot she didn’t know she had. 2. Manipulative and aware. On the other hand, some women know exactly what they’re doing. They thrive on the attention, and they’ll minimize it later by calling it “friendly” to keep you from confronting them. If that’s the case, it’s not about cluelessness ,it’s about a lack of respect. And the only way respect enters a relationship is when you draw a firm line and show that a certain behavior is not negotiable. The challenge here is figuring out which one she is. Is she genuinely unaware, or is she downplaying behavior she knows is disrespectful? That answer will determine your next step. If it’s cluelessness, go gentle and teach her. If it’s manipulation, you need to enforce your boundaries with strength. Either way, the key is not to swallow your discomfort, because if you ignore it, it will only build resentment inside you. If there were plans to marry her, postpone by a few months to observe if she is respecting the new boundaries that you have set . Good luck, I'm open if you have any questions. i found out more stuff since all of this happened , the same guy that put his hand on her thigh was looking at a register book and she pressed her chest on his arm to look too , they both were walking to the gym during the break and he accidently bumped into her and she asked him smiling " are you trying to dominate me ? " , they were playfighting and he rested his forearm for a couple of seconds on her thigh i think im just gonna break up with her , 5 years for nothing ffs
French Flow Posted September 7 Posted September 7 4 hours ago, ticaaa said: i found out more stuff since all of this happened , the same guy that put his hand on her thigh was looking at a register book and she pressed her chest on his arm to look too , they both were walking to the gym during the break and he accidently bumped into her and she asked him smiling " are you trying to dominate me ? " , they were playfighting and he rested his forearm for a couple of seconds on her thigh i think im just gonna break up with her , 5 years for nothing ffs Mate, reading this, it was kind of expected, but it still hits hard. I went through something kind of similar a while back (different details, but that same gut-punch feeling of realizing things weren’t what I thought). I wouldn't wish that on no one. I vividly remember how isolating it felt , like nobody really got it. I don’t want to write too much here and risk sounding like I’m hijacking your thread, but there are a few things that could be done immediately to flip the situation, or at least leave gracefully and avoid a crash . Going through this and learning those things later on really shifted how I saw the whole episode. If you ever want to compare notes, feel free to reach out. Sometimes it’s easier to talk it through one on one than in front of everyone. Be strong!
Author ticaaa Posted September 7 Author Posted September 7 (edited) 26 minutes ago, French Flow said: Mate, reading this, it was kind of expected, but it still hits hard. I went through something kind of similar a while back (different details, but that same gut-punch feeling of realizing things weren’t what I thought). I wouldn't wish that on no one. I vividly remember how isolating it felt , like nobody really got it. I don’t want to write too much here and risk sounding like I’m hijacking your thread, but there are a few things that could be done immediately to flip the situation, or at least leave gracefully and avoid a crash . Going through this and learning those things later on really shifted how I saw the whole episode. If you ever want to compare notes, feel free to reach out. Sometimes it’s easier to talk it through one on one than in front of everyone. Be strong! its hard to imagine his his hand on her thigh , or her asking him "do you want to dominate me ? " , i dont even wanna think about more intimate stuff , its like i was in a fantasy world and the story ended i dont understand , we were romantic with eachother , we used to give birthday surprises decorating the room with candles and flowers , we travel so much , so many memories , partm of me still wants to believe that im wrong and she didnt cheat , she most likely wont admit it and i bet if we broke up 1 month later i see her on social media with this guy Edited September 7 by ticaaa
Gebidozo Posted September 7 Posted September 7 54 minutes ago, ticaaa said: i dont understand , we were romantic with eachother , we used to give birthday surprises decorating the room with candles and flowers , we travel so much , so many memories , partm of me still wants to believe that im wrong and she didnt cheat , she most likely wont admit it and i bet if we broke up 1 month later i see her on social media with this guy Why would you think she is cheating? It’s not about cheating at all, it’s about you and her having different boundaries and different ideas about what’s proper and what’s improper in a relationship. I didn’t get the cheating vibes from your descriptions of her, but rather the vibes of a person who likes flirting and doesn’t see anything bad in it. It sounds like the two of you are incompatible in that aspect, she clearly doesn’t think the touching and the lewd jokes were a big deal, while you do. It’s surprising that you guys haven’t discussed that before. Boundaries should always be clearly outlined
glows Posted September 7 Posted September 7 Do you think she cheated because of the comment he made asking her if she likes how he puts it in? That’s a very explicit kind of joke and I can see why it appears something happened between the both of them either before you both got together or during. I’m not sure how long she’s known these coworkers. I do think it’ll change the dynamics with her work colleagues and I don’t think she wants that or she’d have done it already and behaved differently. Shes 27. 27 year olds are owning their own businesses and giving back to society. She’s not naive. Shes also marrying you next year and engaged. She’s aware but unfortunately this persona at work is likely part of her personality and work dynamics. It’s worth a conversation but I think the damage may be done with you as you’re quite different from her. The trust has been broken. If it’s too far gone or not something you see continuing I wouldn’t bring this up at all as it can feel like an attack on who she is as a person. My thoughts are for the how advanced the relationship is and her behaviour, the two just don’t match. Just let her know you’re too different to see a life together and wish her the best. It’s also best to block and have no contact on social media during a break up. You’re not taking care of yourself by remaining in contact.
Author ticaaa Posted September 7 Author Posted September 7 17 minutes ago, glows said: Do you think she cheated because of the comment he made asking her if she likes how he puts it in? That’s a very explicit kind of joke and I can see why it appears something happened between the both of them either before you both got together or during. I’m not sure how long she’s known these coworkers. I do think it’ll change the dynamics with her work colleagues and I don’t think she wants that or she’d have done it already and behaved differently. Shes 27. 27 year olds are owning their own businesses and giving back to society. She’s not naive. Shes also marrying you next year and engaged. She’s aware but unfortunately this persona at work is likely part of her personality and work dynamics. It’s worth a conversation but I think the damage may be done with you as you’re quite different from her. The trust has been broken. If it’s too far gone or not something you see continuing I wouldn’t bring this up at all as it can feel like an attack on who she is as a person. My thoughts are for the how advanced the relationship is and her behaviour, the two just don’t match. Just let her know you’re too different to see a life together and wish her the best. It’s also best to block and have no contact on social media during a break up. You’re not taking care of yourself by remaining in contact. im thinking shes cheating because of the touching and the jokes , how can she asks some guy " why are you bumping into me are you trying to dominate me ? " and i would never touch some woman's thigh while joking
glows Posted September 7 Posted September 7 21 minutes ago, ticaaa said: im thinking shes cheating because of the touching and the jokes , how can she asks some guy " why are you bumping into me are you trying to dominate me ? " and i would never touch some woman's thigh while joking That’s valid. I would stick with what you do know however when deliberating whether to end it. Consider no contact at all especially if you no longer respect someone. Don’t stay in contact and continue to fume or worse enable her behaviour or let your mental health slide. This is being emotionally mature as well.
SurfCity Posted September 7 Posted September 7 Two years ago you were asking for advice on how to ask out your co-worker, but in this thread you've been with your fiance for 5 years. Can you explain that? Have you been cheating on your fiance the entire time you've been with her? 10 hours ago, ticaaa said: i found out more stuff since all of this happened , the same guy that put his hand on her thigh was looking at a register book and she pressed her chest on his arm to look too , they both were walking to the gym during the break and he accidently bumped into her and she asked him smiling " are you trying to dominate me ? " How did you find this out? It seems unlikely that you would know this type of detail unless you used a recording device. Are you secretly recording her?
Author ticaaa Posted September 8 Author Posted September 8 5 hours ago, SurfCity said: Two years ago you were asking for advice on how to ask out your co-worker, but in this thread you've been with your fiance for 5 years. Can you explain that? Have you been cheating on your fiance the entire time you've been with her? How did you find this out? It seems unlikely that you would know this type of detail unless you used a recording device. Are you secretly recording her? yes , i wanted to cheat on , well i dont know if its called cheating because we kinda took a break she doesnt know that im very close to one of her colleagues , he told me
Gaeta Posted September 8 Posted September 8 You take relationship breaks, you spy on her, she acts like a cat in heat with her male colleagues, I doubt this marriage would last. If you had 5 amazing years behind you and suddenly she acts like this then I would say go to counseling before getting married. With the additional details I now think her behavior did not come out of the blue. Couples that 'kind of' want to cheat, 'kind of' take breaks, are not solid enough to enter marriage. You both need a lot of maturing 2
Alpacalia Posted September 8 Posted September 8 (edited) On 8/19/2025 at 11:36 AM, ticaaa said: I love my fiance she is a good person and very attractive , we are suposed to get married summer next year , the problem is that i found out she flirts with other men She works at a firm that is split into 13 teams , each team has 20-25 people , my girlfriend is the only woman in her team , they finished a project and to celebrate they went to some lakehouse to celebrate , only them no girlfriends/boyfriends , my girlfriend downloaded some videos and photos in our laptop and i watched some of them , guys were grabbing her behind her neck , playfully punching with some guys , she was sitting next to a guy close ( shoulders touching ) when she got up to get a drink she put her hand on the guy's leg above his knee and when she got back she did the same I asked someone from her team that im close with if something happened between her and that guy and he said that they didnt see them kiss or something like that but they were in the care and they were sitting in the middle ( its like a minivan 3 seats in the front , 3 in the middle and 3 in the back ) , the guy was resting on the seat from the left and middle and my girlfriend was playfully trying to put the seatbelt around his neck and eventually he did it to her and he put his hand on her leg above the knee and left it there , my friend told me that she didnt move her leg or told him to back off the driver was trying to park the car with the back between two cars and the guys were making fun of him that he cant find the hole just like during sex and after he parked the car he asked my girlfriend " do you like how i put it in " and she said " not its too soft " I asked her about all this and she said that it was all just friendly stuff and nothing more , i said that it doesnt make me feel better and she told me that she doesnt want to be the kind of anti social girl and the only solution would be to quit her job What should i do ? im kinda worried Oh man... your fiance is acting so inappropriately. And at her workplace to boot! Has her personality always been this flirtatious or did it just start with this co-worker? Her saying that the only solution is to quit her job is such a deflection and implies that she she’s unwilling to adjust how she interacts with this co-worker (or all men for that matter). Does your fiance know of your past fondness of your female co-worker and that you were trying to ask her out while you were on a break? Maybe she is seeking out attention or developed a "thing" for this male co-worker because of it. That doesn’t make it right—but it does make it human. What were the "breaks" about? Not that it really matters, given where you're at now, but I am sure you're trying to seek answers and understand what the fff is going on between...you two...and this other man! Is this salvageable? Or are you clinging to a version of the two of you that no longer exists? I don't foresee her ending the flirtation anytime soon and for all you know…she might already be emotionally invested in this guy, even if she hasn’t crossed a physical line. You suspect they're already sleeping together? Whether or not it escalated to sex, the damage is already done. She's let him him touch her leg, she let him put his hand on hers, they make sexual jokes with each other that sound more like intimate talk between two people, not just coworkers blowing off steam. It’s the kind of banter and body language that belongs in a private relationship, not a professional setting—and certainly not when you’re engaged to someone else. Edited September 8 by Alpacalia
Gebidozo Posted September 8 Posted September 8 3 hours ago, ticaaa said: yes , i wanted to cheat on , well i dont know if its called cheating because we kinda took a break she doesnt know that im very close to one of her colleagues , he told me Apparently, the troubles of your relationship go way beyond her flirtatious behavior. Or, rather, her behavior is just one of the several symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. It’s hard to understand why you’d even think of marriage at this point. Marriage is a possible final step in a relationship that has been going extremely well for years, a sort of a cherry on top of an extremely delicious cake. Judging from your description, your relationship is nowhere close to that.
Author ticaaa Posted September 8 Author Posted September 8 (edited) 6 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Oh man... your fiance is acting so inappropriately. And at her workplace to boot! Has her personality always been this flirtatious or did it just start with this co-worker? Her saying that the only solution is to quit her job is such a deflection and implies that she she’s unwilling to adjust how she interacts with this co-worker (or all men for that matter). Does your fiance know of your past fondness of your female co-worker and that you were trying to ask her out while you were on a break? Maybe she is seeking out attention or developed a "thing" for this male co-worker because of it. That doesn’t make it right—but it does make it human. What were the "breaks" about? Not that it really matters, given where you're at now, but I am sure you're trying to seek answers and understand what the fff is going on between...you two...and this other man! Is this salvageable? Or are you clinging to a version of the two of you that no longer exists? I don't foresee her ending the flirtation anytime soon and for all you know…she might already be emotionally invested in this guy, even if she hasn’t crossed a physical line. You suspect they're already sleeping together? Whether or not it escalated to sex, the damage is already done. She's let him him touch her leg, she let him put his hand on hers, they make sexual jokes with each other that sound more like intimate talk between two people, not just coworkers blowing off steam. It’s the kind of banter and body language that belongs in a private relationship, not a professional setting—and certainly not when you’re engaged to someone else. yeah she has always been kinda flirty , she grew up with one sister and 2 brother and they are all very outgoing and touchy , when she was young she was a party girl type if that helps you paint a picture she jokes around with most of her coworkers , she was making jokes with another guy , she was walking in front of him and stop suddenly to make him bump into her , she did it 2 or 3 times and the dude got tired of it and they started playfighting I know thats how she is because i saw her with her relatives but i didnt think that she would do it with coworkers I dont think that this is salvageable , i didnt break up with her yet , its like a tornado in my head trying to figure out what to do Edited September 8 by ticaaa
Author ticaaa Posted September 8 Author Posted September 8 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: You take relationship breaks, you spy on her, she acts like a cat in heat with her male colleagues, I doubt this marriage would last. If you had 5 amazing years behind you and suddenly she acts like this then I would say go to counseling before getting married. With the additional details I now think her behavior did not come out of the blue. Couples that 'kind of' want to cheat, 'kind of' take breaks, are not solid enough to enter marriage. You both need a lot of maturing we took that break and after that the next years were perfect , no more arguments , constant romantic gestures/surprises , travel alot , sex was plenty and satisfying
Gaeta Posted September 8 Posted September 8 3 hours ago, ticaaa said: we took that break and after that the next years were perfect , no more arguments , constant romantic gestures/surprises , travel alot , sex was plenty and satisfying So, she started that behavior recently? She never done that before?
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