I messed up

[esther3]

I recently got out of a fairly toxic relationship. One that did a number on my ego and self worth.

Very shortly after, I ran into a friend of a friend with whom I had chemistry. I honestly had a crush on him before, but he was getting divorced and I didn't think it would be a good idea.

We hit it off again and started hanging out. Just a few weeks after that breakup. Honestly, it was probably too soon, but I knew I liked him and didn't want to miss the opportunity. You can probably predict - my insecurities from the previous situation started to show. I ranted about my ex more than once before I could stop myself and was nervous about every little mistake I made. 

I noticed him distancing himself a bit and growing more quiet. We still saw each other and got along great, but I could tell something was off. When I eventually brought it up he admitted he was feeling "overwhelmed" and that he thought getting together so soon was a mistake. That I needed time to heal and that he honestly wasn't ready himself thanks to some of his own problems. 

I was hurt obviously, and fought my corner stating that I liked him and didn't want to miss the opportunity. He reminded me that we had only been seeing each other a month and I was becoming anxious about things that hadn't even happened yet (like assuming he was mad at me for not texting back). That he thought we both needed time to get our heads together and maybe revisit it later. I was stuck on the "what if there isn't a later???" And still am. I feel angry at myself for pushing him away. He was good to me and displayed all the behaviour I actually wanted. I can't help thinking if I just waited or something I wouldn't be in such a mess.

Is it even worth hoping that maybe we can revisit? Or am I completely done?

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, esther3 said:

Is it even worth hoping that maybe we can revisit? Or am I completely done.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. 

But it will definitely not be if you don’t take the time that you need to get yourself together. He’s not wrong about that…

Get a counsellor, so the work - it will benefit you in whatever future relationship you have, whether that’s with this man or someone else. 

[DuncanHazy]

49 minutes ago, esther3 said:

I recently got out of a fairly toxic relationship. One that did a number on my ego and self worth.

Very shortly after, I ran into a friend of a friend with whom I had chemistry. I honestly had a crush on him before, but he was getting divorced and I didn't think it would be a good idea.

We hit it off again and started hanging out. Just a few weeks after that breakup. Honestly, it was probably too soon, but I knew I liked him and didn't want to miss the opportunity. You can probably predict - my insecurities from the previous situation started to show. I ranted about my ex more than once before I could stop myself and was nervous about every little mistake I made. 

I noticed him distancing himself a bit and growing more quiet. We still saw each other and got along great, but I could tell something was off. When I eventually brought it up he admitted he was feeling "overwhelmed" and that he thought getting together so soon was a mistake. That I needed time to heal and that he honestly wasn't ready himself thanks to some of his own problems. 

I was hurt obviously, and fought my corner stating that I liked him and didn't want to miss the opportunity. He reminded me that we had only been seeing each other a month and I was becoming anxious about things that hadn't even happened yet (like assuming he was mad at me for not texting back). That he thought we both needed time to get our heads together and maybe revisit it later. I was stuck on the "what if there isn't a later???" And still am. I feel angry at myself for pushing him away. He was good to me and displayed all the behaviour I actually wanted. I can't help thinking if I just waited or something I wouldn't be in such a mess.

Is it even worth hoping that maybe we can revisit? Or am I completely don

Hey Ether3, this must have taken a lot of courage to write it down. But it's good to get those feelings out in a safe space.

I don't think you messed up at all. You just needed a listening ear. A toxic relationship can definitely take a part of you, and it's completely understandable that you wanted to be open with your feelings in front of your crush.

That's why it might be a good idea to focus on yourself right now. Maybe you could go do something that you loved before you met your ex. Even if it's getting a new hairstyle or learning to draw—whatever makes you feel comfortable and happy. Find that beautiful, strong woman again. The one your crush saw and knows is still in there somewhere.

I know it may not be what you want to hear, but relationships can be hard. It literally feels like a part of your soul is missing sometimes, but you can be that strong woman again. He probably just wants to take it slow with you. Remember that girl he met, the girl you were before all this happened—she's still in there. You just need to find her again.

As for whether it's worth hoping, no one can say for sure. But the most important thing right now is that you give yourself the time to truly heal. When you feel strong and confident in yourself, you won't have to worry about missing an opportunity. You'll be ready for it. I believe your crush will definitely see that change and, later on, Fingers crossed you two get together. You'll even laugh about this whole situation, not because it's funny, but because you'll be able to ask him what was going through his mind when you talked about your ex. If it is what you truly want! Who knows you might find someone better

[flitzanu]

there's also the other idea, that maybe he just decided he wasn't into it.

sometimes situations present themselves and give us "easy excuses" like him trying to point out that both of you needed time, etc., but the reality could just be that he isn't into it and doesn't want to continue dating and found an easy way out.

that doesn't make it easier, but it also could mean that this wasn't anything about your "behavior" and could just be an easy excuse of "he's just not that into you"

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, esther3 said:

I was hurt obviously, and fought my corner stating that I liked him and didn't want to miss the opportunity.

This isn't about fighting one's corner. It's about graciously hearing  - really hearing - what the other person is saying: it's not working. 

3 hours ago, esther3 said:

I ranted about my ex more than once 

This is not a good look, and not really appropriate to unload onto someone new - but it says a lot about where you are, emotionally. You need time to truly heal from your past and you aren't ready for a new relationship yet. 

3 hours ago, esther3 said:

I feel angry at myself for pushing him away

I get what you mean. However, I don't think this relationship would have lasted anyway. Not as this time. You aren't in the right place for it yet. It's unlikely this would have worked out even if you'd said nothing about your anxieties and hostility towards your ex. Not giving those feelings a voice wouldn't have meant they didn't exist - and that is what is actually prevented this from moving forward. You need to mourn and process the end of your last relatiomship first. Be patient with yourself. 

3 hours ago, esther3 said:

Is it even worth hoping that maybe we can revisit? Or am I completely done?

Possibly. It's impossible to predict. But it's not where your focus should be. Your focus should be on healing and letting go of your past first. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to heal from the toxic relationship you just got out of. 

You were (as many of us do at some point) trying to escape the pain of ending a relationship--and facing up to the damage it did to you--by getting involved with someone new. And you fell for the fantasy of an old crush. 

Sorry, the old crush is just a regular human being with all kinds of qualities you like from a distance--AND tons of qualities you wouldn't like once you really got to know them well. In other words, rejoining with an old crush doesn't mean anything--this is not some soulmate. 

Really you want to be sad from the toxic relationship, not sad over this rebound thing. 

And you need to read some books do some counseling and deep self reflecting to figure out what weakness of yours needs to be repaired–by YOU!--such that you don’t get into a toxic relationship, or if you do get into one, you know how to get out quickly. That’s your issue to deal with. 

Good luck. 

 

[Sanch62]

How long ago was his divorce?

[esther3]

4 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

How long ago was his divorce?

About 2 years ago. I don't think he's dated anyone since then. 

[esther3]

Thanks folks. I'm already in therapy since before the end of that relationship. It really did a number on me and if I'm honest I had thought a few times about telling this current guy I needed time. I do have a bit of a catastrophic mindset, though, and always think that people leaving means they're gone forever. I'm trying to learn my way out of that and also to stop blaming myself for other people's actions. 

I also hadn't even thought about his divorce, and the fact that he hasn't been in a relationship since then. It would make sense that he might feel overwhelmed by the possibility of getting into that again. I suppose I was so stuck in over analysing my own side for that.