I fear I will never love someone the way I loved her.

[BorrachoYLoco]

Just a vent I'm sure will disappear into the internet, but maybe it'll help. We started dating [in 2021} and it was the most magical surreal experience I've ever had. I had never opened up and was never so vulnerable with someone in my life but something about her just melted my defenses and penetrated my heart. I had relationships before but nothing like this. Nobody else in the world would come before her not even my own mother. I find myself focusing a lot on the good when I think of her, and downplaying the bad, like looking through rose tinted glasses. For some reason the times we spent laying in bed laughing over a dumb joke outweigh the mental torture she put me through. I remember her as this beautiful, loving, and hilarious woman who was always unapologetically herself, not as the woman who forced herself on me the night of prom while I was asleep. I enjoy thinking about our times in a positive light, as I believe hating the person you once loved does nothing but make you jagged and bitter, but I fear glamorizing our relationship may have kept me from healing the way I should've. We have been separated just about as long as we were together, almost 2 years. She still lingers on my mind every single day, not giving me rest as she haunts me even while I sleep.

I fear I will never connect to another human the way I did her, ever since I feel as though i'm doing nothing but looking for the ghost of her in someone else. She taught me so much about myself and how to treat a woman. My mistakes linger in my mind so much, what could I have done different? How could I have treated her better? Was it her or I that doomed the relationship? Should I have accommodated to her needs and sacrificed my values in seek of coming to a compromise in the future? I don't know if I made the right decision. She had an issue with the career path I knew I needed to take. I understand dating in the military is very hard but we could have made it work, and it was something I felt I needed in my life in order to be a better man for her. If I had just waited or took a different path out would we have figured things out together? I feel as though this is what my heart tells me.

As for my mind, I cant help but believe she was in the wrong. I needed this career, she knew that. I had no direction and working dead end jobs would not make me the strong, reliable man a good woman needs. We grew up together and it was time to change, we couldn't be kids forever. We both needed to find a career and become responsible adults together, who is she to stop me? The childish games, the entertaining other men, the lack of work ethic, I didn't feel was acceptable for the stage of life we were entering.

Despite these thoughts I can't shake her. No matter how hard I work and how hard I push, she always comes creeping back into my mind. I haven't spoken to her since the day we broke up, haven't even seen her, but sometimes I wish we could just talk one more time. I wish for a day that both of us, having grown and matured, can have some coffee and speak like adults. If given the chance, I would not love her again, I believe I'm smarter then that, however one more conversation would mean the world to me. My children will know about her, as she was my first love, the woman I went to prom with, and the person who changed my entire perspective on love. I would hate for the last memory of someone with that much impact on my life to be such a heart wrenching one.

I wish I could tell her  "I appreciate everything you taught me and thank you for making me the man I am today. I know things were rough, and I wasn't the best man I could've been for you, I hope that doesn't sour your memories and you can look back at all the good times as I do. Whether its today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now, you can always reach out and we can talk. I would love to catch up and reminisce. If not I understand, and wish you the best luck to you and your future endeavors"

Edited 13 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed identifying information

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/16/2025 at 4:59 AM, BorrachoYLoco said:

My children will know about her, as she was my first love, the woman I went to prom with, and the person who changed my entire perspective on love.

I find this odd. Why do you feel your future kids would be interested in any of this? I dount they would much care who your first love was. 

I also think it would be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear Dad waxp poetic about some woman who isn't their mom. You are really over-romanticizing all of this, and this is a good exaple of it.

If you went to prom together, I am going to guess you are still quite young. Had you had a relatonship before her? How long ago did you break up, and why? 

[Gebidozo]

On 8/16/2025 at 10:59 AM, BorrachoYLoco said:

I fear glamorizing our relationship may have kept me from healing the way I should've.

It still does.

You’re quite vague about why exactly you broke up. Was it because you chose a career in the military? Or did the fact that she tortured you mentally (as you say yourself) play a role?

Meanwhile, some of the things you say strike me as strange, for example your plan to tell your future kids about her.

Also, why do you want to meet her? What do you think another meeting with her would accomplish?

It sounds like you need to get over her and stop romanticizing that relationship so much. Your future partner will surely not like it that you think and speak of your ex like this.

Try to look forward, not back.