Can love turn into an obsession, no matter how brief... is there a yandere in you?

[DuncanHazy]

Grab a snack, 'cause it's a long one.

 

I was listening to music when this thought surfaced, reminding me of something I thought I had forgotten.

 

(I don't know what the Chinese people call this, but how Japanese say it is "yanderu"—a person who is so obsessively in love they become mentally unhinged. If my great-grandfather were still alive, I could have asked him, seeing as he was Chinese, anyways. "Yandere" just sounds better than saying "a stalker.")

 

The idea of it sounds cool. I remember watching an animation on the internet, seeing this gorgeous girl stalking this guy, and I thought, "Wow, that's cool." That was until it happened to me.

 

I was at a low point in my life at 23, having just gotten out of a breakup and feeling down. So I was at church, and I didn't have anything on my mind. I looked around and noticed this girl. She wasn't someone I'd normally go for—being that young, the whole "looks" thing was still a phase I was going through—but I just had a feeling in my mind: "That girl is mine." I went up to her and said hey. We had a nice conversation; I pulled out all the bells and whistles and made her laugh. As we talked, she said, "You know, I had my eye on you for a long time. I told my friend that boy is sexy, I want him." I said, "Really?" To be honest, I never even saw her; it was literally my first time seeing her in church. As we were walking home, I decided the most gentlemanly thing to do was walk her home, and I did. I dropped her off, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and said bye.

 

The next Sunday came, and we walked together. I asked for her number. This girl pulled out a piece of paper like it was waiting there just for me to ask for it. We'd talked over the phone, messaging each other. She had a quirky sense of humor, which I loved. The months that passed, Sunday was like our special day. We'd talk about anything; I loved hearing her laugh. Being with her felt good, honestly. I finally got out of that slump of feeling sorry for myself after a few months, and I walked her home again. Then she started talking about thinking of me in an "adult way," and that made her "warm." I was like, "Okay then." Something shifted in that moment. I can't explain it, but I wasn't at the point she wanted me to be. She was moving too fast, too quickly. As we approach her house, she wanted to kiss me. I literally felt like I wanted to puke. I just kept telling myself, "Please don't French kiss me," but she just kissed me on the lips. That day, I thought about her, and I realized I didn't have feelings for this girl. So I got the courage to tell her, "This is not working between us." Mind you, we never even talked about what this was—a relationship or what. I gave her that old routine line, "You will find someone better than me," blah blah blah. I remember her saying, "How can you do this to me?" I just took it as a normal reaction you get when telling someone it's not working. Oh, boy, was I wrong. The only time we saw each other was at church, so I thought, "Okay, that will be the end of it."

 

Then the phone calls started happening from a private number every single night around 8 PM. I would say "Hello," and there would be complete silence. I'd say "Hello" again, nothing. This person was just listening to me talk, so I ended the call. It happened for a few days. The next time the phone rang, I said "Hello," no response. I told myself, "Two can play this game." I put the phone next to the radio speaker and ended the call. The next night, the person called, and I said "Hello," no response. This person held their phone against the radio speaker and did the same thing I did the previous day. It freaked me out because I didn't know who it was, but I had a suspicion it was that girl from church.

 

The next Sunday, I saw her and asked if she was calling me. She said, "No." I said, "Okay, but whoever it is better stop before I get the police involved." She even had the nerve to talk to my mother, and my mother told her, "Just give him space; he will come around." I was upset with my mother for making this girl believe I would want to be with her. Even after I told my mother about the phone calls and that I believed it was her, my mom said, "She's just lonely and wants your attention." I just told my mother, "It's like I'm talking to a brick wall."

 

This girl even had the nerve to go to my parents' place and said she had a dream about me. It's a belief in our church that your dreams are a vision of what's to come. Well, my dad handled her nicely and told her, "I'm busy studying, he doesn't have time for a girlfriend, and there are many guys in church she can find." My dad isn't someone who takes anything lightly; he'll put you in your place if you're wrong. My mother told me what she said: "She wants to apologize if she did anything wrong and had a dream about me, and she wants to reconcile with me and get our relationship back on track." But my dad didn't have time for this nonsense.

 

A few nights passed, but then at night time, I heard what I thought was someone climbing the fence. I brushed it off as probably a cat, but it happened on certain days. I thought it was odd, but then I heard someone coming close to my window. I rushed out the front door, shovel in hand, ready to knock a homerun like it was a baseball bat. But all I saw was someone jumping over the fence, and that's when I got worried. Honestly, if it was that girl, I could physically take her down—she wasn't a match for me. But what freaked me out was that I didn't know what her intentions were. She could have a knife or a gun, and you must have heard a lot of stalking cases that turn bad, where the stalker kills the person. So I had enough. I messaged her: "Listen, if you don't stop what you're doing, I'll call the police. And you didn't even know I had a camera in my yard; it recorded everything, so stop this now or I will take it to the police." Honestly, I had no camera in my yard; I was just bluffing.

 

Luckily, it stopped, but I think the most scary part was me thinking of what this could lead to if I didn't do something to stop her. I stopped going to church; I just wanted to distance myself from that girl. She still asks my mother how I'm doing, even to this day.

 

I know this isn't as extreme as most cases you hear on the news, but it's a little piece of my history.

 

Has anyone ever had a stalker experience?

Edited August 15 by DuncanHazy
Grammar mistake

[MsJayne]

The only stalkers I had were the kind that turn up wherever I was, like they had a tracking device on me before tracking devices were even invented. But I did have an underwear pilferer when I was young. I lived in a seedy block of apartments and there was a creepy guy who lived downstairs, I'm pretty sure it was him stealing knickers off the communal washing line because the rest of the tenants were all women. He was just this older dude who never opened his blinds or windows and looked like he never bathed. I once had to knock on his door for some reason, can't recall why, but he opened it wearing a grubby t-shirt and pair of striped pyjama pants with a nasty yellowing stain around the groin area. The smell that wafted from his apartment was a mix of cat wee and dirty ashtray. My underwear disappeared twice before I realised what was up, the first time I just thought maybe I'd left a couple of pairs of knickers in the machine at the laundrette. Since then, all my life I've dried underwear on a clothes horse where I can keep my eye on them. 

[DuncanHazy]

57 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

The only stalkers I had were the kind that turn up wherever I was, like they had a tracking device on me before tracking devices were even invented. But I did have an underwear pilferer when I was young. I lived in a seedy block of apartments and there was a creepy guy who lived downstairs, I'm pretty sure it was him stealing knickers off the communal washing line because the rest of the tenants were all women. He was just this older dude who never opened his blinds or windows and looked like he never bathed. I once had to knock on his door for some reason, can't recall why, but he opened it wearing a grubby t-shirt and pair of striped pyjama pants with a nasty yellowing stain around the groin area. The smell that wafted from his apartment was a mix of cat wee and dirty ashtray. My underwear disappeared twice before I realised what was up, the first time I just thought maybe I'd left a couple of pairs of knickers in the machine at the laundrette. Since then, all my life I've dried underwear on a clothes horse where I can keep my eye on them. 

That first guy must’ve been Navy SEAL-level — I can’t even imagine the time and effort it took to stalk someone pre-GPS! As for the second guy, I actually laughed when you described his t-shirt. Good grief, at least have the decency to wash yourself, man. I’ve never understood the whole underwear fetish either… I guess some people are just wired differently. If it were me, I might’ve been tempted to 'accidentally' leave out a pair with a big brown streak and a healthy splash of ammonia — let him enjoy that! I don't know where these guys learn the trick of the trade probably from watching Scooby-Doo 

[Gebidozo]

There was a girl I flirted way too much with, even though I was in a relationship with someone else, and one time we ended up kissing. After that, I told her it was a mistake, apologized, and reminded her that I was in a relationship and that this will never happen again and we should stop flirting.

Long story short, she started coming regularly to my workplace. She normally just sat there, staring at me and being very conspicuous. My coworkers got used to that, were joking about my “stalker”. I tried talking to her, asking her not to come, ignoring her - nothing worked.

Then one time, I went to the bathroom in my workplace, and she slipped in from behind and locked the bathroom door from within. It’s a very small bathroom where two people can hardly fit unless they stand up very close to each other, and there was no way to push her out of the way because she was fully blocking the door.

I told her that was madness and she should let me out or get out herself, but instead she literally grabbed my private parts in an unambiguously erotic way.

Somehow, I managed to push her to the side and squeezed past her to the exit.

I told her that was unacceptable and if she keeps coming to my workplace I’ll ask the manager to remove her. So she disappeared for a while, but occasionally I’d still receive messages from other people telling me that she really wanted me to add her on social media again, promising it’d be strictly friendship, etc.

[DuncanHazy]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There was a girl I flirted way too much with, even though I was in a relationship with someone else, and one time we ended up kissing. After that, I told her it was a mistake, apologized, and reminded her that I was in a relationship and that this will never happen again and we should stop flirting.

Long story short, she started coming regularly to my workplace. She normally just sat there, staring at me and being very conspicuous. My coworkers got used to that, were joking about my “stalker”. I tried talking to her, asking her not to come, ignoring her - nothing worked.

Then one time, I went to the bathroom in my workplace, and she slipped in from behind and locked the bathroom door from within. It’s a very small bathroom where two people can hardly fit unless they stand up very close to each other, and there was no way to push her out of the way because she was fully blocking the door.

I told her that was madness and she should let me out or get out herself, but instead she literally grabbed my private parts in an unambiguously erotic way.

Somehow, I managed to push her to the side and squeezed past her to the exit.

I told her that was unacceptable and if she keeps coming to my workplace I’ll ask the manager to remove her. So she disappeared for a while, but occasionally I’d still receive messages from other people telling me that she really wanted me to add her on social media again, promising it’d be strictly friendship, etc.

We all have our moments of weakness. At least you stood your ground. Some guys would have caved in with that move she did, grabbing your privates. Can you imagine if you didn't resist? The next thing you hear is a knock on the door, and she's saying with a smiling face, "You're going to be a father!" I can bet a million dollars she'd definitely keep the baby.

I don't know if you felt the same, but the minute they go into that stalking mode, it just kills the attraction, and you're left wondering how you could have not seen the signs. With these types of people, it's best to cut all connection before they relapse into that stalking mode.

I'm glad you didn't add her to your socials. It's kinda hard for someone to cyber-stalk me. Growing up in the 1990s, when Facebook came out, around 2005 I think, I wasn't a fan of it. Still to this day, I don't have Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. I'm a super private person. I understand why people use it, I'm just not personally a fan of using those platforms anyway.

Not saying people can't change, but if you've ever had a stalker and know who it is, it gets tricky to let that person into your life again.

Edited August 16 by DuncanHazy
Correcting a sentence