Guilt over death of a pet, guilt over Mom, guilt over everything

[Gebidozo]

Recently my pet died from a disease. The vets said they could’ve saved her if I brought her a couple of months earlier. There’d been no symptoms then, but I knew that I had to take her to regular health checks. I neglected to do that, because I thought she looked fine and healthy, and now she’s dead.

My friends pointed out that even if I had done those regular checks, the tumor could have still developed between any of them and she’d still die. But that’s not the point. If I had done those checks, I would have known that I did everything I could for her. But I didn’t. I was a bad “Dad” to her.

I’m being eaten alive by guilt.

It gets much worse because of the situation with my mother. Some of you have read my posts about her, the TLDR version is basically that we live in different countries, she’s very old and lonely, and she accuses me of not being with her. Taking her to the country I live in as an expat in rented apartments, renewing visas twice per year, uncertain whether the two countries will even keep their diplomatic relations, with a very different culture, her not speaking the language, tearing her away from a house full of old people of her cultural and linguistic background and free medical care and two caretakers that check on her regularly, seems like madness to me. And I don’t want to live in her country, because I’d be jobless and there is a bunch of other reasons as well.

Recently her elderly friend was taken to another country by her son, who is a citizen of that country and owns a large house there. She immediately told me that her friend “has a caring son, while I don’t”. I call her twice per day. Such complaints aren’t uncommon. Sometimes she seems fine, sometimes she just accuses me like that.

My pet died literally a few minutes before my scheduled noon call to my Mom. So I stepped out of the hospital, wiped off my tears, and called her. She noticed I was upset and asked me why, I told her my pet had literally just died. Her first reaction was, “That’s it? She was just a pet. She was old anyway. They put her out of her misery. I wish somebody would do that to me”, followed by, “I wish you loved your own mother as much as you loved that pet”.

I try not to wallow in guilt. I talked to friends and they all told me to take it easy. But I feel they are just saying it to make me feel better. I feel like a monster. I feel like I killed my pet and I’m slowing killing my mother. I can’t focus on work and pleasure because I feel I don’t deserve any of it. Sometimes I feel with horror that my whole life I I’ve been doing nothing but hurting people and when I die I won’t be remembered as a good person.

Sorry for the long rant. You guys have helped me a lot in the past. I’d love to hear your opinions, please don’t hold back. If I’m an a**h*** I need to hear that. And I want to know what I can do to become better. Thank you so much.

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry to hear the loss of your pet...and the vet was an AH for saying what they did.  

It's gotta be hard for your mom having you away, but when I read how she reacted to your pets death, I lost a lot of sympathy for her.  The loss of a beloved pet is devastating. Sure, it's not like losing a dear human companion, but it's still horribly painful 

Sending (((hugs))) to you

[ThorLyonsSalem]

I'm so sorry about your pet's death.  I am also sorry that your mom is angry about your reaction to it.  

Remember, feelings are just what they are.  They can be one thing for one person, and another for another.  Life is very complicated.