Realizing Love Isn't What I Thought It Would Be

[DuncanHazy]

As I've gotten older, I've realized that love isn’t the magical or mystical thing I once imagined. Each relationship seems to take a piece of me, and I’ve learned that’s just part of growing up. Relationships are about two people coming together, sharing moments, and sometimes parting ways when neither sees a future or needs something more fulfilling.

 

After each breakup, I would take a break from dating—usually two to three years—to process everything. Looking back, it’s easy to feel regret for the time spent, especially when some relationships could have turned out differently if I hadn’t been so immature. But I believe mistakes are where growth happens.

 

When I was younger, I was shy and lacked confidence, but eventually, frustration with my circumstances pushed me to change. That change became a turning point, helping me understand my past actions.

 

Now, it’s clear to me that relying on looks or surface-level beauty in a partner doesn’t last. The world has changed so much since the 90s. Gone are the days when you could meet someone new at a neighborhood park—it feels less safe, and things just aren’t the same anymore.

 

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself. The older I get, the more I realize hiding issues in a relationship isn’t helpful. Setting the tone early and establishing clear communication between both partners is key. For me, a healthy relationship is built on open communication, even if it means swallowing my pride when I’m wrong.

 

It’s strange because now I feel mature enough to know what I want from a relationship, but often, I find myself with a partner still in the immature phase I left behind. I try to overlook it, but when they don’t see the issues, the relationship ends.

 

Lately, it feels like clockwork: after a year, an ex will reach out with a “Hi, how are you?” followed by “I miss you.” What do you even say to that? They’re the ones who ended things, and I’ve learned not to fall for that trick again. If someone breaks up with me, it’s over. But it still stings, and the cycle keeps repeating.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle it when exes reach out, or when you realize you're in a relationship with someone still figuring things out while you’ve grown? It can be frustrating, but I guess that’s just life on Earth

[DuncanHazy]

Sorry for the long post; I just needed to get this off my chest. I've been walking around with these thoughts for a while.

[Lotsgoingon]

Good post. Yes, I too have matured a lot over time, and yes, my view of dating now is vastly different than it was before. 

Tip: you really want to practice having high expectations and to start putting people through the "tests" to see if they are as mature and emotionally advanced as you are looking for in a partner. Switching from "well I'll go out with anyone who is decent looking, has a job and wears clean clothes" to someone who has the qualities you want--is a big change. It actually takes practice to set your high standards. 

What's up with the "overlooking" of a partner's weaknesses? You can't do that. Closing our eyes simply does not work. In fact, even when we find a really great partner, with key qualities we want, we don't want to overlook the problematic parts of their personality.  We need to know the strengths and the weaknesses and with the right partner, the strengths will dwarf the weaknesses. Sometimes we really should make sure the other person knows and acknowledges their weaknesses. Their awareness (of their issues) can help the two people find a way to connect at a deep level that is satisfying. 

BTW: I have a friend who has trouble acknowledging her strengths, and that also can be a problem. You can end up trying to convince someone of their own worth and talents. Waste of time. 

A year with someone you KNOW you don't fit with--stop that. Stretch out the beginning of a relationship. You can date someone for two to three months and decide it ain't gonna work, and you want to back out. Do this!!!!! The longer you stay, the deeper you attach to the person, who isn't even a good fit!

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh and yes, you're right: love is not enough. Love doesn't solve life's problems. Love can be an asset with the right person--in that case, it's the way the person treats and loves us. 

But no, love is not some solution to life's ills. Well let me back up and clarify.

Love is a powerful force. The problem is it takes strength and openness to really receive love in a way that really transforms us and makes our lives better. So many people block themselves from receiving the kind of love that would be so helpful. So many people think they have to impress the one they want the love from. Well yes and no. Yes, you do want your partner to admire you--and no you don't want to have to fake it or put up on all kinds of airs to win someone's love.

I've dated people whose love came with amazing problem-solving skills and thinking. Others whose love did not bring much problem-solving thinking. Love comes in all kinds of forms, some forms aren't all that satisfying frankly. 

But one of the nights of being older is that learning how to receive love is way harder than we often assume.  Let's put aside giving love for a moment. To really receive love (take it in such that it transforms and heals) means you got to be able to look a partner in the eyes and tell them I'm struggling with X and Y and I need help, sometimes a lot of help. Shame can easily get in the way. 

 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, DuncanHazy said:

after a year, an ex will reach out with a “Hi, how are you?” followed by “I miss you.” What do you even say to that?

This happened to me very recently, through my ex never actually went away, we live on a small island so it's hard to avoid an ex here. When he asked me if I ever thought about getting back together I responded by saying, "Why would I want to get back together with you? You were an a***ole to me."  There's no rules about how you react to someone trying to win back your affection, whether they ended it or you did because they were a prick. 

[DuncanHazy]

Still new to this site . I wanted to highlight a message 

Edited August 15 by DuncanHazy
Wrong message

[DuncanHazy]

39 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Good post. Yes, I too have matured a lot over time, and yes, my view of dating now is vastly different than it was before. 

Tip: you really want to practice having high expectations and to start putting people through the "tests" to see if they are as mature and emotionally advanced as you are looking for in a partner. Switching from "well I'll go out with anyone who is decent looking, has a job and wears clean clothes" to someone who has the qualities you want--is a big change. It actually takes practice to set your high standards. 

What's up with the "overlooking" of a partner's weaknesses? You can't do that. Closing our eyes simply does not work. In fact, even when we find a really great partner, with key qualities we want, we don't want to overlook the problematic parts of their personality.  We need to know the strengths and the weaknesses and with the right partner, the strengths will dwarf the weaknesses. Sometimes we really should make sure the other person knows and acknowledges their weaknesses. Their awareness (of their issues) can help the two people find a way to connect at a deep level that is satisfying. 

BTW: I have a friend who has trouble acknowledging her strengths, and that also can be a problem. You can end up trying to convince someone of their own worth and talents. Waste of time. 

A year with someone you KNOW you don't fit with--stop that. Stretch out the beginning of a relationship. You can date someone for two to three months and decide it ain't gonna work, and you want to back out. Do this!!!!! The longer you stay, the deeper you attach to the person, who isn't even a good fit!

 

I appreciate you bringing up the 'tests' and high expectations. It’s definitely been hard for me to figure out how to set those standards without feeling like I’m being overly picky.

 

As for my past, it’s been a bit difficult since losing Angel. She was one of those rare connections, and after we lost touch due to her parents' overprotectiveness, it really affected how I see relationships now. I think it’s been tough for me to feel that spark again, but I’m working through it. I realize that I might need more time to heal before I dive into anything new.

 

What about you—how did you learn to set your own high expectations in dating?"

[DuncanHazy]

35 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

There's no rules about how you react to someone trying to win back your affection, whether they ended it or you did because they were

I don't know what happened in your relationship, but it's clear it didn't end on good terms, and I completely respect your decision. You're setting boundaries, and that's something I'm learning to do as well. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I guess that's just part of the journey when we open ourselves up and aren't valued for what we're worth. I'm glad you put your foot down. "

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, DuncanHazy said:

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle it when exes reach out, or when you realize you're in a relationship with someone still figuring things out while you’ve grown? It can be frustrating, but I guess that’s just life on Earth

For me it’s been the opposite, I’ve always been the less mature one, the one with issues and no understanding of how to handle relationships. I’m an almost 50 year old guy now, hopefully things are getting better in that respect.

No exes of mine have ever reached out, unless it was for some practical life purposes (kids, pets, etc.). By far most of my exes have broken off all contact with me.

[DuncanHazy]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

relationships. I’m an almost 50 year old guy now, hopefully things are getting better in that respect.

Thank you for being so open about this. Just because you're 50 doesn't make you any different from me; in fact, I can learn a lot from you. I'm 34 myself, so I'm not a spring chicken anymore either. It's only been in the last year that I've been really implementing this into my dating life. I've been immature myself.

 

Regarding your exes asking you for favors, I've had those moments too. I just leave them unanswered if it was over text, or if they asked me in person I'd say I'm busy. They can't have their bread buttered on both sides—that's just me. There's no "how-to" book on relationships; we're all just learning as we go along