I am flinching from physical contact with my wife

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Anonymous said:

It won’t be helpful then. I find it hard to get a word in edgewise when she is talking emotionally. 

A good therapist is going to give you space to talk and not let your wife dominate the conversation. 

And yes, you are expected to talk. How else could they help you if you don't? 

[SurfCity]

15 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I worried she might quietly stop birth control, based on other things she’d said. I asked her to consider getting her tubes tied, and she challenged me to get a vasectomy if I felt so strongly. So I did—and she was shocked when I came back from surgery.

You decided to get a vasectomy, went to all the pre-op appointments, got all the lab tests done, scheduled time off work, went to get the procedure done by yourself, and she didn't know about it until you came home afterward? All because she flippantly said, go get a vasectomy if you feel so strongly about it?

There's a serious lack of teamwork, trust, and communication in this marriage. Counseling seems like the only solution.

[Anonymous]

There was just one pre-op appointment and then the surgery itself. It was pretty straightforward, and since I’m relatively young, that might have made things easier. We’re both busy and usually handle our own stuff independently. She was at work during both, and to me, it didn’t feel flippant at all. I honestly wasn’t trying to make her feel bad. I genuinely thought that was an acceptable option  

That said, I’ve already agreed that we should be keeping each other in the loop and letting the other know what we’re planning before doing things. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

There was just one pre-op appointment and then the surgery itself. It was pretty straightforward, and since I’m relatively young, that might have made things easier. We’re both busy and usually handle our own stuff independently.

I think you are missing the point. This is not “your own stuff.” The fact that the two of you couldn’t agree on a plan for birth control together demonstrates how poorly you communicate. The fact that you think this is “your own stuff” to decide and take care of shows that this is not a partnership.  

If my partner flippantly told me to have surgery if I didn’t want to have more children that would be grounds for divorce - 

If my partner made a major decision like this on his own without my consent or even giving me the courtesy to tell me that he had made the appointment, that would be grounds for divorce…

[ExpatInItaly]

It is beyond bizarre to me that you had such a surgical procedure done without even telling your wife. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

We’re both busy and usually handle our own stuff independently.

The fact that you consider this "own stuff" speaks volumes about the serious problems in the marriage. This wasn't just like going to get your hair cut or teeth cleaned. I am gobsmacked that you don't get that. 

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

it didn’t feel flippant at all.

And that in itself is a huge part of the problem.  You two are uterrly disconnected and don't communicate where it counts, and you are lacking insight into your wife's feelings (on this) in a major way. 

 

[Anonymous]

Quote

I think you are missing the point. This is not “your own stuff.” The fact that the two of you couldn’t agree on a plan for birth control together demonstrates how poorly you communicate. The fact that you think this is “your own stuff” to decide and take care of shows that this is not a partnership.

Quote

I am gobsmacked that you don’t get that.

I was simply pointing out that getting it wasn’t as difficult as the poster made it sound. I do recognize that the whole situation was extremely unhealthy, immature, and came from resentment building up on both sides. She later apologized for what she said about sneaking off bc, and it ended up okay. We agreed we wouldn’t have had a third child unless I had agreed, and I wouldn’t have. A big part of her outburst was grief, which I didn’t recognize at the time. We talked about it later (not in those exact terms, since we were both immature back then), but we worked through it. I brought it up here because my approach with medication was different—I was keeping her in the loop. But I realize now I didn’t actually ask her if she was okay with it, and I probably should have. So yes, I feel like I’ve been moving toward a healthier relationship dynamic.

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It didn’t feel flippant at all

I agree our communication hasn’t always been good. She can have outbursts where I can’t get a word in, and I used to just accept it and move on. But both of us have been working on it, and we’ve gotten better. I apologized, she apologized, and five years later it’s behind us (We do discuss it sometimes when it comes up).

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If my partner flippantly told me to have surgery if I didn’t want to have more children that would be grounds for divorce

If my partner’s first response to something serious was to mention divorce, I would ask her to not let the door hit her on the way out. If someone is already thinking about divorce, it means they’re not fully invested, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has one foot out the door. We’re both very committed to this relationship.

Conversations should aim to de-escalate, not escalate like you’re doing here. I’ve been open to feedback and willing to reflect on it, but there’s no need to take that tone. 

A relationship doesn’t have to be perfect to work. We’re both flawed, and we talk about that openly and have been growing for the past 12 years. We both come from difficult backstories and have learnt patterns that are not normal. We hurt each other, hurt FOR for each other and desperately love each other. I don't need a polished diamond, I am happy with one with rough edges. We are investing in each other and not looking for an exit at every argument. I count myself lucky to be in a relationship like that. One in which we are not always thinking about what each one of us gets out of it and decides to quite when the going gets tough. 

I’ve got enough to work with, especially after @Acacia98’s post (and many of the others), so I’d appreciate it if people could lay off the incredulity.

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

If my partner’s first response to something serious was to mention divorce, I would ask her to not let the door hit her on the way out. If someone is already thinking about divorce, it means they’re not fully invested, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has one foot out the door. We’re both very committed to this relationship.

Conversations should aim to de-escalate, not escalate like you’re doing here.

I would not actually threaten divorce, I’m sorry - that was a poor choice of words. 

What I should have said is - this would cause me to consider the future of the relationship very seriously. For this reason and the other reasons that I have shared above…

But you have obviously decided to stay for all the reasons that you have also shared above. So, I will simply say that I hope you are able to find more middle ground with your wife in counselling. 

Edited Monday at 09:33 PM by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

If my partner’s first response to something serious was to mention divorce, I would ask her to not let the door hit her on the way out.

BTW - I said that would be grounds for divorce… I did not say that I would threaten or mention divorce. As I said above, I would consider it in the context of the entire marriage and proceed to have the conversation only when I felt there was no opportunity that the situation could be improved. A spouse who refuses to go for counselling would reaffirm my decision that separation may be something to consider. I wouldn’t make that decision without individual counselling, legal advice - it would be be something that just comes up in conversation…

 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

If someone is already thinking about divorce, it means they’re not fully invested, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has one foot out the door.

Indeed, there are many people who stay in very unhealthy and abusive marriages because they are “committed” to their marriage and their partner. I would argue that one could be committed to their marriage and still enforce a healthy boundary with their spouse. To illustrate my point, someone with an alcoholic spouse can be very committed to their marriage and family and still leave the marriage because that is the best and healthiest decision for themselves and their children. The fact that this person files for divorce is not a reflection of their lack of commitment to their spouse or their marriage. 

 

Edited Tuesday at 12:00 AM by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wouldn’t make that decision without individual counselling, legal advice - it would not be something that just comes up in conversation…

My apology for the spelling mistake. 

[Els]

On 8/18/2025 at 1:57 AM, Anonymous said:

Do they act more like referees who calm things down, or do they expect you to talk a lot yourself? Because when it comes to sensitive subjects, I freeze up and need time to find my words.

You are of course expected to talk, but a good therapist should give each of you the time and space to voice your own thoughts. Basically, all you need to do is say that you need time to find your words, and you should get time to find your words.