I am flinching from physical contact with my wife

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are very different people. We come from different backgrounds, have few common interests, and while we sometimes bond over shared activities, even that has faded. For example, I like to push myself on hikes, while she prefers to go slower and take in her surroundings — something I tend to get impatient with. We do have two kids, and they’re really our main shared focus.

When we were dating, she was more open to variety in our physical relationship. After marriage, she told me some of those things made her uncomfortable. I’ll admit — I was immature back then and let my frustration show. We stopped those activities completely, and our physical connection became more routine and less frequent than I wanted. I managed my needs privately, and while we joked about it at times and she was fine with me watching adult content, the imbalance was always there.

Over time, I looked for ways to handle it and eventually found that my antidepressant medication lowered my libido enough to match hers. I was actually happy with that — it removed the mismatch — but she began feeling guilty about it and encouraged me to switch medications.

After that, she seemed more interested physically and things improved, though in hindsight I suspect guilt played a part.

More recently, we talked about how little we now have in common. Around that time, after being laid off, I started focusing on myself — dyeing my hair, getting tattoos, working out. Suddenly, our physical relationship went into overdrive from her side. At first, I thought she was just more attracted to the “new” me, but looking back, I think some of it was driven by insecurity. It felt like a dream — everything I’d imagined — until it came to an abrupt halt.

After one encounter, I noticed she was hiding some discomfort. I asked if she was okay, and after some gentle questions, she admitted she doesn’t always enjoy it. Further discussion revealed that sometimes she sees it as an “act of service” for me. That wording hit me hard.

When I asked what would make her more genuinely interested, she said she feels more engaged when I “keep the house really clean,” along with other suggestions tied to household tasks or finances. For context — I already do about 90% of the housework and childcare, so the comment stung.

That made things worse for me. I don’t want her to feel obligated, and I was fine managing my desire with medication. I want intimacy to be mutually enjoyable, not something done out of duty. Having it framed as an “act of service” feels disheartening, and linking attraction to chores feels patronizing. If I said something similar to her, it would sound like affection was conditional on her “performance.”

This has affected me more deeply than I expected. I haven’t been able to enjoy private time or even adult content for over a month. When she touches me now, I instinctively pull away. It’s gotten to the point where we’re arguing, and she thinks I’m angry with her. I’m not — I’m heartbroken.

I do have depression, but it’s well-managed. I can tell when it’s affecting other areas of my life, and this reaction isn’t from that.

I tried talking to a female friend and she said women are that way and to stop being whiny and just enjoy the sex. I tried but I end up hating myself and it just makes it worse. Is this all in my head? I really hope it is and I can fix it myself. Or even more scary, are we incompatible?

[MsJayne]

Expecting your wife to enjoy sexual activities that either cause her pain or make her feel degraded is just plain selfish and misogynistic. So much porn on the internet has given less intelligent men the impression that women are all secretly gagging for degrading and abusive sex, and it just couldn't be further from the truth. That misconception is a huge turn off in itself, and if certain unpleasant sexual activities are as important to you as they sound, then yes, you're incompatible with your wife. You might be happier with the type of woman who has such low self-esteem that she'll put up with degradation and pain to make you happy. Talking about your sex life and your wife with a female friend tells me that you don't have a lot of respect for your wife, and that right there might be part of the bigger problem. 

[Anonymous]

That’s a lot of assumptions, and it’s one reason I’m anonymous here. It’s hard to share openly when people immediately fill in the blanks with their own conclusions and unload hate.

To be clear, I don’t enjoy anything that causes her pain — that’s exactly why I’m struggling to engage now. The problem is she thinks it is normal to oblige. The thing she found uncomfortable was oral sex, and nothing beyond that. I’ve had partners in the past who enjoyed it, but I fully understand that she wouldn't.

Those activities aren’t essential to me. What matters is knowing where her boundaries really are and not misleading me, so I don’t feel like she’s doing something out of obligation.

As for talking with a close friend — my wife talks to her friends about our relationship, and I think that’s healthy. I’m not sure why it’s wrong for me to do the same. If anything, talking to a man might feel more loaded in this situation.

But yes, you may be right about one thing — I am starting to think I want a relationship where we can be more conversationally open, without me having to second-guess myself all the time. Thanks for that insight

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Is this all in my head? I really hope it is and I can fix it myself. Or even more scary, are we incompatible?

Have you tried either individual or marriage counselling? It sounds like you both have some talking to do before the intimacy/sex will improve…

[Gebidozo]

A person that gives oral can’t feel the same type of pleasure as the one that receives it, for the simple reason that there are no erogenous zones in the mouth. So every oral sex, regardless of gender, is, in a sense, an act of “service”.

Now, it is quite possible to enjoy precisely that, the sensation of pleasuring another person. Some women get excited by the thought that the man is having so much pleasure because of something they are doing. Some women also enjoy the feeling of control and power during an act where the main is actually quite helpless. Others, on the contrary, enjoy the sensation of serving. But the key word is always “enjoy”.

Women, like men, are different. If your wife doesn’t enjoy giving oral in any sense, if it’s purely disagreeable for her, then she shouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t ask her to do it. The same applies to any kind of sexual act, if one of the partners doesn’t like it then you can’t do it.

That is why sexual compatibility is so important. I find it alarming that you discovered that she’d been uncomfortable with some sexual activities only after you got married. This means that there had been a serious lack of communication and openness  between you and her. It is absolutely essential to know, understand, and fully embrace your partner’s sexuality before taking a huge step such as marriage.

Even worse, of course, is the fact that you and your wife don’t have common interests and even your shared activities have faded. Everyone is different and it’s possible to enjoy different things and be happy together, but such utter lack of common interests is something that, to me, would be a complete dealbreaker.

You need to understand that sex is just an aspect in a multifaceted relationship, and it is greatly influenced by the other aspects. Your wife and you appear to have compatibility issues that go way beyond liking or disliking certain sexual acts. I’d address those issues first, before attempting to solve any sexual problems. 

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did feel confused when she refused after we got married. She said something along the lines of “the final product is different from the advertisement.” I’m making it sound worse than it was—she’s actually a very sweet person otherwise.

We don’t do oral; she didn’t like it, so we stopped after marriage. I’m also not sure I follow what you meant about it not being enjoyable—I personally enjoy it mentally and don’t see it as an act of service when I do it for her.

Her discomfort was with regular sex. My view is that I don’t want to do it unless we both genuinely want it and she enjoys it. Her view seems to be that she’s not being a good wife if I’m not getting what she thinks I want. But I don’t want to do it that way. Makes me feel very very unwanted and unattractive. Sounds like she is doing her job  

I’m very confused. I really love her. in the sense that seeing her makes me happy, and I know she feels the same. I enjoy other kinds of intimacy with her, but that’s not enough for her. I really don’t want to lose her  

To the other poster: I’m going to try talking to my therapist again. I suggested marriage counselling , but wifey got defensive. It’s also possible we’re both just running high on emotions right now and need to let things settle before discussing it more calmly.

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I suggested marriage counselling , but wifey got defensive.

I always find this interesting considering the options are marriage counselling, staying in an unhappy/unfulfilling marriage, or divorce. But then again, she is probably not all that unhappy because she is in control here - she is calling the shots and she has things the way she wants. This is likely a big part of the reason why she isn’t particularly motivated to go for counselling. She knows that she would require her to put some more effort into the marriage - she would be required to give up the control she has now and change… Apparently, she is not prepared to do that. And, it doesn’t sound like she is worried about divorce either. Status quo - that’s what she is hoping for… put this off and the problem will go away…

My opinion, this is about communication and respect as much if not more than it is about sexual compatibility. I hope she reconsiders her decision to attend counselling. 

Edited Friday at 02:35 AM by BaileyB

[Anonymous]

Yeah early on when she was insecure about some of our conflicts I promised her I would never divorce her. I tend to need time to recharge after conflicts and she blamed me for giving her the silent treatment then so I had to re assure her. 
 

I am definitely re thinking that. 

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

She said something along the lines of “the final product is different from the advertisement.”

Sorry, but if my partner said that, even half joking, that would point out an ethical incompatibility. The phrase implies that she doesn’t view complete sincerity and openness as crucial components of a relationship.

 

[Anonymous]

I took it to mean that she put in a lot of effort when we were dating, and things naturally settled into a more normal rhythm once we were committed. She’s allowed to change her mind, even if I was disappointed at the time. As I said, the way I originally worded it makes her sound bad, but I think she was probably just saying something immature because she was nervous.

 

The only reason I mentioned it at all was to head off the “you’re not respecting her no” comments. Was I perfect? No—but I was 25. Now I feel like I’m making her sound worse than she is. She’s a good person.
 

i am not trying to get more sex. I want the opposite. The incompatibility is that she wants me to ‘chase’ her more than I am comfortable doing and I am not comfortable with the service dynamic. I don’t want a good wife. I want a romantic partner If that makes sense. 
 

Half my head is like stop being a wimp and just roll with it. But I know I am going to be disgusted with myself so I am really trying to figure this out. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

i am not trying to get more sex. I want the opposite. The incompatibility is that she wants me to ‘chase’ her more than I am comfortable doing and I am not comfortable with the service dynamic. I don’t want a good wife. I want a romantic partner If that makes sense. 

Yes, of course that makes sense. The whole point of having sex is knowing that you aren’t the only one enjoying it, knowing that you are wanted.

But your wife’s behavior, including her comment about advertisement and product, shows that she doesn’t really view sex the same way. The strange part is that you hadn’t noticed it before you got married. How long had you been dating before the marriage?

As I said above, I think the problems run even deeper than that. I don’t quite understand why you got married in the first place if you had, as you’ve said yourself, no common interests.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Half my head is like stop being a wimp and just roll with it.

I don't get this. Since when is it wimpy to want our partners to desire sex with us?

14 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I tried talking to a female friend and she said women are that way and to stop being whiny and just enjoy the sex

I'm a woman too, and I think this is ridiculous advice. We are most certainly not just "that way" and for your friend to imply that you are being whiny is dismissive and disrespectful of you.  

It sounds like you and your wife have always been sexually incompatible and had mismatched drives. I would also urge you two to seek counselling, but I am not sure it will actually help move the dial much.I'm sorry. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

The incompatibility is that she wants me to ‘chase’ her more than I am comfortable doing and I am not comfortable with the service dynamic.

Speaking as a woman, we want to feel desired and loved by our partners (in much the same way that you want a romantic partner, not someone who serves you out of some sense of obligation or service). It’s hard for her to feel romantic if she doesn’t feel like you desire her… and it’s hard for you to desire her, if you feel like she is only having sex with you out of duty/obligation. 

She’s not wrong when she says that it means a lot and helps her to feel sexual when you do the dishes - that is an act of love for many women… There is also the stereotype - men are supposed to want/pursue sex, they are supposed to “chase” a woman… I hear a lot of stereotypical thinking in her comments - as per the comment directly above (which I think is absolutely terrible advice as well). The fact that you do not want sex/you are not pursuing or chasing her for sex is causing confusion for her, she is telling you that she wants you to show her that you love and desire her. But - she’s doing it in a really unhealthy and unproductive way… You are obviously perplexed by her fluctuating interest, her preferences/limits, and her vague stereotypical comments…

The two of you are not communicating well. You are not on the same page. You have every right to your own feelings, preferences, and desires - it’s not all about her. And you are not wrong when you say that you would like an interested and enthusiastic partner who thinks about your wants/needs, not only her own. Personally, I think you would benefit from marriage counselling where you can have this discussion and gain a better understanding of each other…

Edited Friday at 12:27 PM by BaileyB

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of ironic—we’re actually the opposite of the usual stereotype. She’s the primary breadwinner (by choice—she wanted me to take on a less demanding job), and I handle about 80% of the household work and childcare. So it’s funny that you bring up traditional gender roles, because in our case, they’re pretty flipped.

As for the comment about the house being clean—there’s more nuance there. I do keep the house clean, but she wants it vacuumed and mopped every day, which just isn’t realistic with my job and the kids. Honestly, that statement felt a bit manipulative to me. 

I think I’m still not explaining myself well. I don’t mind pursuing her or making her feel desired—that part’s fine. What I’m not okay with is her going into “dutiful wife” mode and doing things she doesn’t actually want to do. I’d rather she just be honest about when she’s into it and when she’s not. But her concern is that she rarely feels that way, and if she says no too often, our intimacy will just fizzle out.

I think what’s really bothering her is that I take medication to manage my libido. It seems to trigger guilt on her part, and that guilt is probably fueling a lot of what’s going on. I don’t blame her for feeling that way—but at the same time, I need the medication to stay grounded. Without it, I worry that my dissatisfaction and craving will make things even worse.

I’m planning to suggest counseling again.

But I’m also feeling more confident in where I stand: I want intimacy that’s enthusiastic and mutual. If she’s not in that space, I expect her to be honest about it and say no. Is this clear enough? I have told this almost verbatim to her. 

And yes, we are not sexually compatible. I am fine with it and can manage it. The ball is essentially in her court. (To answer an earlier question, we dated two years before marrying. Lesser than most people, but quite a long time for India, where we spent our youth and married. )

[Els]

13 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I want intimacy that’s enthusiastic and mutual. If she’s not in that space, I expect her to be honest about it and say no. Is this clear enough? I have told this almost verbatim to her. 

(To answer an earlier question, we dated two years before marrying. Lesser than most people, but quite a long time for India, where we spent our youth and married. )

You're probably fighting a lot of societal conditioning there on her part. Honestly, this is the case everywhere in the world - women are brought up to believe that their sexual pleasure, comfort, even pain, should be secondary to the man's pleasure. But it is especially the case in countries like India.

Is she willing to see a therapist with you to talk through this? 

Also, I notice that you two don't seem to be willing to find a middle ground to allow yourselves to enjoy emotional intimacy with each other. Take the shared hobby for instance: hiking. Yes you prefer to go fast and she prefers to go slow. But if she can't physically go faster, is it really so bad for you to go slower on hikes with her so you can share an experience together? You can still go fast on solo hikes...

You need to be willing to compromise on some things. That's basically Marriage 101.

Edited yesterday at 10:40 AM by Els

[Anonymous]

I can understand my parents’ generation struggling with social conditioning, but it’s quite  less expected in my wife’s generation, especially among the urban youth. With her, whenever I try to talk about my own needs, she often gets annoyed or defensive. I’m going to suggest joint therapy, though.

It also seems possible that this is about a sense of control — that me needing her due to a higher drive gives her a sense of security, and medication threatens that. She has even said things like, “What do I have on you if you don’t need me? You’ll just hang out with your friends,” which struck me since most of our friends are hers. Whenever I try to bring my own friends into the picture, they tend to drift away because she doesn’t connect with them, and in the end, I don’t really have any left.

I once told her that felt manipulative, but it just led to a fight and tears. Reading back over what I’ve written, I realize there’s probably a lot of hidden resentment on my side too. That makes me think marriage therapy could help not just her, but me as well.

It’s not really about compromise — we already do a lot of that. At this time I don’t have any time for solo activities, maybe once kids grow up I will and that might help.

[BaileyB]

What keeps you in the marriage? 

Based on your description, you have few common interests, an unsatisfying sex life, you do 90% of the household work/childcare, you’ve lost friends because your wife doesn’t connect with them, and your wife treats you with a lack of respect. Seriously, why do you stay? 

[Anonymous]

I realize I’ve been deep-diving into the problems, and for brevity I haven’t highlighted the positives.

My wife is an amazing mom. I grew up with a narcissistic and emotionally unavailable mother, which left me with significant self-esteem issues , “mommy issues,” essentially. In contrast, my wife has raised our son to be confident, and I love that about her.

She also loves me and genuinely tries to give what she can with the time and energy she has. She really does try hard.

Culturally, divorce is rare where we come from, and I know it would devastate her. Practically, our marriage is also a good financial partnership. She earns very well, and when I spent a year not working, she supported me without complaint.

I do worry that if we separated, she might take the kids back to India, which would be very hard for me.

Finally, I come from a poor background where I grew accustomed to my needs not being met. So on some level, I’ve trained myself to live with that.  it doesn’t always feel like a big deal to me.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Finally, I come from a poor background where I grew accustomed to my needs not being met. So on some level, I’ve trained myself to live with that.  it doesn’t always feel like a big deal to me.

I’m sorry to hear this.

[Anonymous]

I made it out. There is nothing to be sad about. 

[Acacia98]

On 8/16/2025 at 12:07 AM, Anonymous said:

I think what’s really bothering her is that I take medication to manage my libido. It seems to trigger guilt on her part, and that guilt is probably fueling a lot of what’s going on. I don’t blame her for feeling that way—but at the same time, I need the medication to stay grounded. Without it, I worry that my dissatisfaction and craving will make things even worse.

(...)

But I’m also feeling more confident in where I stand: I want intimacy that’s enthusiastic and mutual. If she’s not in that space, I expect her to be honest about it and say no. Is this clear enough? I have told this almost verbatim to her.

I think you're both making somewhat unhealthy decisions to force yourselves to be "sexually compatible."

On the one hand, you're chemically suppressing your sexual desire. And you're doing it unilaterally. You didn't ask her if she'd be okay with it. On the other hand, she's pretending to enjoy things she doesn't enjoy sexually to keep you happy. It's interesting that you see the latter as putting you in the position of violating her but you don't see the former as putting her in the position of violating you.

7 hours ago, Anonymous said:

My wife is an amazing mom. I grew up with a narcissistic and emotionally unavailable mother, which left me with significant self-esteem issues , “mommy issues,” essentially. In contrast, my wife has raised our son to be confident, and I love that about her.

She also loves me and genuinely tries to give what she can with the time and energy she has. She really does try hard.

(...)

Finally, I come from a poor background where I grew accustomed to my needs not being met. So on some level, I’ve trained myself to live with that.  it doesn’t always feel like a big deal to me.

Your wife has positive character traits, but she also has tremendously negative traits. I think it's likely that she grew up in a family where manipulation and some degree of emotional abuse were the norm. There's fear (perhaps of being left) and defensiveness in her responses to you. And sometimes she's tremendously self-centered and dismissive of your needs.

I also think that you make the mistake of assuming the things she does are not that bad because you grew up in a more extreme family situation. A lot of people do that: they assume that a different type of dysfunction from the one they grew up with can/should be tolerated. Problem is it does its own form of damage. The other problem is you have a kid who's absorbing what you guys do and it's going to form the basis for his views of how relationships should work.

Anyway, I generally think what you're describing in this discussion is just the tip of the iceberg and you would both be best off going for therapy (both individual counseling and marital counseling). The help we can offer you here is bound to be limited and cosmetic.