Boyfriend laughed at coworker’s joke about me, and now I’m reconsidering our relationship

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting here, so apologies if this isn’t the right place, but I really need advice.

I’ve been officially with my boyfriend for 5 months now. We met at work when he joined at the end of 2023. Yesterday was our 5 month anniversary, and we planned to go out after work. Earlier that day, I was telling him about the lore of a video game I really like and one of our coworkers (I’ll call him R) jokingly asked if I “ever stop talking” and if I “have an off button.” My boyfriend laughed at R’s comment.

I felt really hurt by both of them, so I left and cried in the bathroom. After work, I told my boyfriend how much it hurt me that he laughed. He seemed annoyed and said I always blame him for other people’s stuff and that he can’t have a sense of humor around me. He told me I should have stood up for myself instead of pouting and leaving but I’m not a confrontational person so it’s hard for me to clap back.

I told him even if I had stood up for myself, I still would have been upset that he laughed. He responded that I should have set boundaries with the guys at work in the beginning knowing how they are and that none of this would’ve happened. I just wanted him to understand that his reaction hurt my feelings and at this point I didn’t care as much about R. But he told me I need thick skin and that he won’t always fight my battles for me.

The conversation went nowhere, and it got awkward and quiet until he dropped me off at home. We didn’t speak the rest of the night. The next morning, I told him my feelings were still hurt. He said he knows, but he wasn’t going to apologize and stands firm in what he said yesterday. That’s when I told him I wanted to reconsider our relationship because I just want him to understand how I feel. He said he cares, but if that’s what I want to do and it’ll make me happier, then I should.

This is my first relationship, and I don’t like talking about it with my friends or family, so I’m struggling to cope. Am I overreacting, or am I missing something? Also I apologize I wasn’t sure how much to write so feel free to ask questions!

[longdue]

Totally normal first reaction — and yeah, it must have stung. You’re hurt, and you’re telling him he’s wrong from an emotional place. He’s getting defensive to save face. Admitting fault takes a lot of maturity, and most couples never really get there — plus, you’re both still new at this.

Give it time, then tell him calmly that it hurt you and made you feel betrayed. Frame it as input for the future. Just keep in mind, a lot of men grow up being told not to take too much input because they’re constantly getting conflicting messages about what they should do, and most aren’t taught strong social skills by society. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll still take it on board. If he doesn’t, that’s your sign there’ll be more situations down the line where you just can’t reach him.

[MsJayne]

Are you a very talkative person? Or in that instance were you going on a bit? As insults go, this one was pretty tame, said in a joking was so as not to hurt your feelings but at the same time give you the message that you're getting on people's nerves. Expecting your boyfriend to go into battle over it makes you sound rather precious, there are far bigger hills to die on than getting all upset because someone's bored enough by your conversation that they called you out. Your post reminded me of an occasion when, sitting 'round a table with friends, one of them a very talkative woman I'll call Miss Chatty, one of the guys said, "If Miss Chatty will let someone else get a word in....." and she got all uppity and said huffily , "Oh, do I talk too much?" . The rest of us sat there silent and uncomfortable, but if you could have read our thoughts I know we were all thinking, "Hell yes! You never shut up!". I suspect the reason your boyfriend said nothing is because he secretly agreed with the guy who called you out, you were annoying the people around you. I think you're massively over-reacting and your boyfriend has strong boundaries and he's not letting you trample over them. 

 

[Gebidozo]

I think the main issue here is not the fact he’d initially laughed at your coworker’s comment, but that he later refused to change anything about that and started criticizing you.

it’s really not about whether you were right or wrong getting upset because he laughed. You were upset, period. If my partner asked me to stop laughing when others make a joke about her, I’d stop, even if I thought she was being silly.

You aren’t asking for a mountain of gold or for him to jump down from the roof of a skyscraper. I don’t think it’s a good sign that he can’t do such a small thing for you, and keeps arguing and berating you instead.

[petee]

Sorry, but you need to lighten up. The comment was quite funny if you are sociable, it’s sometimes good to laugh at yourself.

That said, if it has hurt you and it’s shaken you, then this guy is not for you and you need to act. There are plenty of single guys all of the time, and you will find one soon enough.

But, Personally it’s a bit of banter, and had you laughed it would have just dissipated and you’d be past it. I personally would not date someone that reacted your way, as what comes next. Incompatible and no future here is my guess, but I hope you can see there’s no malice or intent, just not right for each other.

[basil67]

There's someone in my life who needs to have this said to her.   

Honestly, instead of getting offended, please take the hint

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Anonymous said:

The next morning, I told him my feelings were still hurt. He said he knows, but he wasn’t going to apologize and stands firm in what he said yesterday. That’s when I told him I wanted to reconsider our relationship because I just want him to understand how I feel. He said he cares, but if that’s what I want to do and it’ll make me happier, then I should.

He's pretty firm in what he said above.  I hope you were serious about reconsidering your relationship with him because threatening to end the relationship over this seems to have also made him reconsider the relationship.

[petee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He's pretty firm in what he said above.  I hope you were serious about reconsidering your relationship with him because threatening to end the relationship over this seems to have also made him reconsider the relationship.

I totally agree with your point. If you say it, and you mean it, then it’s over. Life is too short to be happy in a challenged or failed relationship. It is time to walk away and be happy, rather than be annoyed because of a hurtful joke at her expense.

sad, but nothing that can be done.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, talking about a sudden and strange implosion.

First, I'm a talker. And I'm from a family of talkers. My bet is that YOU are also a talker. Describing someone as a talker is basically neutral. My mother was a non-stop, 24-7 talker, and still people loved her and she wasn't defensive about being a talker. Making light fun of someone as a talker, ok, I can see a sting. But clearly your bf knows this and he likes you enough to date you. The coworker who cracked the joke--has he otherwise been mean to you? 

You can accept that you are a talker!!!!! You don't have to be shamed by that label. Own it!!!!! There are many upsides to being a talker. Now, I'm also a listener and that takes some of the edge off of me being a talker. 

Last night, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is suffering from cognitive and physical health problems. We talked for two hours. Catching up on life, me catching up on the scope of his problems. Afterwards, he thanked me. He felt affirmed by the conversation. 

A better response on your part would have been to stick your tongue out at the coworkers. Or to politely (not too loudly) say "F You" and walk off. 

BF is also acting immature here. All he had to do was say, "you talk a lot and I love you. I love the way you talk." Anything close to that.