Why so much emphasis on sex?

[lonesome_loser]

Hello all. I've been reading a lot of posts here at the loveshack, just to see what's going on, I guess. I have been dating a good bit recently and have noticed there seems to be this huge emphasis on sex.

 

What I am saying is that I have seen multiple posts where people are like "just screw her brains out" etc... Seems like a lot of people also have no problem having sex on the first or second date.

 

I have noticed this in my dating and social life too. I just recently dated 2 women (not at the same time). One of them was like nude and making out with me the second night we hung out, (we didn't even have a date yet).

 

The other, I dated 3 times. The third time was movies at her place. She feel asleep in my arms. I eventually woke her up and told her to go to bed in a nice way. She asked me to stay.... it was late, she had to get up early. She told me I could hang at her place in the morning and sleep a while if i wanted (she leaves at 5 a.m.) . I felt uncomfortable doing that, and I nicely declined. I had every intention of seeing her again. Three days later i get a text message ..."I just met someone and want to make it exclusive". Now I know damn well some other guy slept with her.... and I think she based her decison largely on that.

 

Anyway, I am 28. I have no probelm meeting women and I have had my share of sex. I've had 3 long term girlfriends. In my early twenties, I will admit I too had more emphasis on sex.

 

Now I feel I have a clearer view of what I want. I know that I can surivive without sex and it's no longer an immediate need to me. I've dated girls in the past where we have sex on the first or second date and then they dissappear or I find out very bad stuff about them later.

 

Also, I can't get past the thought of..."If I am sleeping with this girl right away.... think how many other guys have".

 

This is a scary time we live in. I know some people with std's thank god I have been lucky in that area. I don't feel comfortable sliding my manhood into some girl I just met.

 

Now If I know she is planning to stick around and earns my respect then it's on.

 

Another example... was out with this girl about 2 weeks ago. I see an old friend... he come up and is like " Dude, why aren't you at home ****ing the heck out of that?". I just looked at the guy.... said nothing

 

Then the other day I am at a bar, and am flirting with this girl I know. I have known her for a little while, but I am just not totally attracted to her. Anyway, I walk to the bathroom and this poor soul asks me "is that your girlfriend?" I was like "she wishes" and just laughed. Then he's like "she's a pretty good looking gal, I would be screwing her". So i was like "go screw her then".

 

Needless to say, I drove this girl back to her house... she invited me in but I declined. I really just wanted to go home and relax...

 

I guess I just want an honest discussion here. All the emphasis on sex seems so fake to me. I also think that women use sex to raise there self esteem. I have noticed that most girls who want sex right away end up having no self value.

 

I have had a few years to play around, and I have to some extent. Now I just want to find one good person to have sex with and the older i get the more disgusting it seems to stick my manhood into some place that might put it in danger... lol.

[slubberdegullion]

This is an excellent post.

 

The emphasis on sex is probably for a few reasons:

• It's a fundamental part of any romantic relationship;
  
• Those who post about it are in some state of confusion about it;
  
• Social norms have changed: what once was "dirty" is now "clean," so there's much more openness about it; and,
  
• It's fun! Not just doing it, but talking about it as well.

[JS17]

What is this thing, Sex, that you speak of?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Congratulations Lonesome! You're a mature MAN with feelings who doesn't think only with his groin. That's something to be proud of. Keep looking, and you will find a woman who shares the same values and respect for her own body as you do.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

What is this thing, Sex, that you speak of?

I'm not sure. But I heard it's messy and involves lots of sweat.

[Astarte]

....

 

Also, I can't get past the thought of..."If I am sleeping with this girl right away.... think how many other guys have".

 

This is a scary time we live in. I know some people with std's thank god I have been lucky in that area. I don't feel comfortable sliding my manhood into some girl I just met.

 

Now If I know she is planning to stick around and earns my respect then it's on.

 

 

Well, we all know that your manhood is not in danger when you use a condom, don't we ?

It's not a question of luck, it's a question of responsibility.

[lilmoma1973]

 

There is nothing wrong with the way you feel at all Lonesome, glad to see that there are some men out there that look at a relatioship for more than just sex !!! You sound sweet hope you find what you are looking for .. Good luck

[Outcast]

Well, we all know that your manhood is not in danger when you use a condom, don't we ?

 

Um. No. Condoms can break, leak, and don't prevent all STDs.

 

I think it's great that you're not all about the shagging. I share your philosophies about why and when one has sex. I'm not one of those folks that can or will do it 'just for the fun of it' because I find that extremely unfulfilling. I'd rather manage with solo sex.

 

Remember, this is a site filled with people who have relationship problems. Meaning they may not have the healthiest of attitudes in the first place. The friends who suggest you 'screw her brains out' are all single, I'm guessing LOL.

 

There are a lot of people who aren't introspective and who just live by whim and desire. Others, as you suggest, think that someone screwing them affirms their attractiveness (a view I've never held), and others are just bragging or thinking wishfully.

 

So, yes, you're swimming a bit against the current in choosing you particular mode of relating, but there's nothing wrong with that and you certainly will find women who believe as you do that sex isn't cheap currency to be traded for a few moments' shallow entertainment.

[JS17]

Slubber and jen_jen had good posts there and I agree that it's a sign of maturity, you should be congratulated for that, it's a rare quality. The way you describe "sticking your manhood in some girl" though, doesn't sound all that mature. I can't help but think two other things when reading this.

 

First, unless there's some verbiage that you're leaving out (and it's quite possible that there is) I don't hear any of these women propositioning you for sex. Just because they ask you to come in or sleep over doesn't mean they are going to have sex with you.

 

Second, most of what you said is very judgemental:

Also, I can't get past the thought of..."If I am sleeping with this girl right away.... think how many other guys have".

Lots of respectable women have had a one night stand or two in their lives. You may have just been that guy a time or two.

 

Now If I know she is planning to stick around and earns my respect then it's on.

How does one know if they earn your respect? I know I've had sex with someone after spending a lot of time together and dating over a month and a half only to have him disrespect me a short while down the road. I thought I had his respect and I was planning on sticking around yet he still treated me like crap. I think it's unfair to place this criteria onto women when so many men are dishonest about "respect" having been earned.

 

I also think that women use sex to raise there self esteem. I have noticed that most girls who want sex right away end up having no self value.

Judgement. How about women that just like sex? Is it that hard to believe? Men and women really aren't that different. And you can trust me on this one, there are girls out there who don't want to have sex right away who have low self esteem.

 

There's also a lot of pressure for women these days as there has always been for men to go out and be sexual. It's considered strange if you're not! Additionally, with the decline in men willing to commit to relationships over the past 20 or 30 years, women either become sexual with multiple people or they don't get any at all.

 

If what you want is someone that is "virtuous" then that is your perogative and there is no problem with that. Maybe you should just accept that we are humans and have different needs or wants and stop judging women.

[Outcast]

There's also a lot of pressure for women these days as there has always been for men to go out and be sexual. It's considered strange if you're not!

 

Too bad. This is about the syndrome I was talking about earlier - the pressure to conform. Be like the rest of the sheepies. Some of us don't give a daaaaaamn about being herd members.

 

Additionally, with the decline in men willing to commit to relationships over the past 20 or 30 years, women either become sexual with multiple people or they don't get any at all.

 

And that's just pathetic, IMHO. I think if your grief in life is 'not getting some' then you need an actual life.

 

If what you want is someone that is "virtuous" then that is your perogative and there is no problem with that.

 

Here's what's going on - again, just what was discussed in another post. If you happen to disagree with what the herd does, members of the herd feel that you disapprove of them and get all defensive. And, of course, call you 'judgmental' because you don't share their rationale for doing things. It's really really REALLY annoying.

 

Maybe you should just accept that we are humans and have different needs or wants and stop judging women.

 

Maybe you should accept that different people have different ideas and just because they differ from yours doesn't mean they're 'judgmental'. That's the herd's new way of forcing others to conform - those who don't are labelled with something. In calling someone 'judgmental' you yourself are being 'judgmental'. So in order to not seem hypocritical, you'd need to drop that kind of evaluation.

[JS17]

Actually OUTCAST, I don't sleep around and happen to agree with the OP that it's better to wait to have sex. I find it odd that someone who has told me that my friends and family are terrible and I should discard them is calling ME judgemental. What I find really annyoing is someone who goes around picking out all of my posts just to start a fight. Congratulations, you're the second person to make my ignore list.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Outcast, quit being such a friggin meanie! Why must you go on the attack every time?

[lilmoma1973]

Outcast, quit being such a friggin meanie! Why must you go on the attack every time?

 

 

 

Yeah,why? :confused:

[slubberdegullion]

I, for one, happen to like our resident Outcast. She pulls no punches, she says what she means, and I respect that. I've been on the receiving end of her wrath as well, but I cut through the immediate defensive response I had and looked at her intent, and voila, found out that she made some good sense.

 

Sure, we may not all agree at time - how boring would that be? - but I have to admit I find her candor refreshing.

 

then again, maybe I'm just weird

[HookedOnHim]

well youve answered my question if there were still guys out there like you....im dating a guy that well when we first met maybe he thought i was a quicky...... but that was a year ago..... now we have dated for a year... and havent had sex.... he calles me his gf in certain instances and asks me to go with him to every type of party...ive met his whole family, we've spent the holidays together..... but no sex.... im the one that wants it now...but i find myself saying to myself,, he is worth the wait..... what a twist huh.....

[whichwayisup]

I've not read all the replies, but if you feel strongly about waiting for the right girl to come along and you want to wait before jumping into bed and having sex then stick to that! It's refreshing to read that you're not in such a hurry to have sex. I DO believe that sex is worth waiting for, especially with the right person - Once it feels right and both are really ready...So it will mean more and not be 'f***ing'.

 

My saying is, never rush a good thing...

[Outcast]

someone who has told me that my friends and family are terrible and I should discard them is calling ME judgemental.

 

It was you who reported that your family and all your friends had said something horrible to/about you. If you want to live a life around people who put you down like that, be my guest. I was worried about you.

 

I, for one, happen to like our resident Outcast. She pulls no punches, she says what she means, and I respect that. I've been on the receiving end of her wrath as well, but I cut through the immediate defensive response I had and looked at her intent, and voila, found out that she made some good sense.

 

Thanks muchly. And it's not 'wrath' nor is it 'defensive'. Why ought I waste umpteen paragraphs (and risk carpal tunnel in the process) on feminine-type 'softening' statements. When for a while nobody had figured out what gender I was, they didn't flip out when I pulled no punches. Now they know I'm female, everybody wants 'well, sweetie, really you should be nicer'' bla bla'. Why? When Alpha berates all women, these same people pat him on the head and think him amusing

 

I have to admit I find her candor refreshing.

 

But heaven forfend a female cut to the chase and dispense with all the fluffy gooey stuff.

 

What we saw here was the OP making some very sensible and logical statements about what he has observed on LS and in life around him. And a bunch of sex-crazed Shackers getting all defensive when he said he didn't think getting screwed as recreation wasn't the best way to live. And me supporting the OP, which also threatened the SCS.

 

I have had a couple folks in my life who had very many partners. Both of them had rotten self-esteem and said they hadn't really enjoyed all the bed-hopping. Clearly they didn't think me 'judgmental' since they had no qualms about telling me about all their experiences, nor did they find me in any way condemnatory of them. However it was they who said that they weren't all that happy with how they had conducted their lives and found that monogamy was much more enjoyable.

 

then again, maybe I'm just weird

 

Apparently, so am I. Which may or may not give you comfort

[ms_jnj]

I just wrote a post about how I got dumped because I wouldn't have sex with him right away....

 

 

But I think a lot of girls feel that to have any chance of seeing the guy again they have to sleep with him right away, and I can totally see why they would think that based on my own experiences.

 

Personally, I want to wait a bit and if he can't be patient for a month or two then I don't really want to deal with him anyway.

[ManicHayze]

Off Topic: I totally thought OutCast was a guy. And I liked her back then too

 

On Topic:

 

Kudos to the OP I was with my girlfriend for a pretty long while, we never had sex. She moved away. We stayed in contact, and I eventually moved in with her. And we still hadn't had sex. We first had sex about a month after I moved in with her. And it meant more to me than any other sexual experience I have ever had in my life. Having sex with someone for the first time is only better, when you truly know the person inside and out, and are inlove with them. So keep on lookin buddy, and don't ever lower your standards.

[Milo]

What is this thing, Sex, that you speak of?

 

Actually it is your strange technology that I do not understand. This small box with words and pictures! It is beyond me.

[a4a]

OP perhaps your invitations to sleep over were just that? Sleep not screw over?

 

I don't think that it really matters if it is the first or 15th date.......or you never have sex. Each situation has different circumstances. There have been a few times where I have gotten along well with an individual and the attraction was just so hot between us seemed right.

 

I do not confuse sex with emotion or need for a long term relationship, at times it is only like getting a damn good massage!

 

I do not think every person that likes sex or is willing to have sex without a LTR has self esteem issues that hinder productive living and relationships. Are there not many posts about people not wanting to let a person see their body or not sure how to initiate sex because of self esteem issues?

 

Hey at times a lay is just a lay...... unless handcuffs are involved and some form of pudding pop...

 

a4a

[beentheredonethat2]

Outcast, I see your point however harsh it sounds. It is well thought out. Lonesome, I also see you have thought about this situation in depth, and it just sounds like you'd like to discard the whole dating thing for one person, and you're looking for the girl-next-door now. This is very natural, and many people go through phases. It sounds like, your social structure doesn't condone long-term relationships, or would even allow you to meet that kind of a girl. She won't be at a bar, and certainly won't be friends with someone who uses the phrase "screw her brains out". So if you're hoping to meet someone, accept that it's time to grow out of this whole network of friends (don't discard them, just spend time selectively with them), and explore yourself through hobbies, organizations, or clubs, and that's where you'll find her.

 

It is particularly helpful to think of us as animals. The male species usually has to go on some courting ritual, displaying fine colors (birds), unique sounds (lions, mating calls), and display control over territory (deer fighting with antlers). This is the sexual game we play as humans too. Once a male has been found to be respectable and worthy of bearing young, a female settles down and raises her offspring. Not typically with him, and he usually finds a new mate the following year.

 

I think you're asking to find a woman who skips the whole first stage, and just accepts you as her mate and settles down, skipping the whole ceremony. I think you should reconsider whether some of these women who do this are really just asking for you to display your color, and be the mate she wants. And then you get what you want. And the courting thing doesn't necessarily have to be sex.

 

Go with your animal urges, and respect a woman who goes with hers. Don't put all woman in a category because of how one treats you.

 

-Rachel

[lonesome_loser]

Thank you all for your responses. I was away for a few days but I had to respond to Jen.

 

 

How does one know if they earn your respect? I know I've had sex with someone after spending a lot of time together and dating over a month and a half only to have him disrespect me a short while down the road. I thought I had his respect and I was planning on sticking around yet he still treated me like crap. I think it's unfair to place this criteria onto women when so many men are dishonest about "respect" having been earned.

 

One earns my respect by respecting themselves first, then by respecting me. it seems to be rare to find either.

 

 

There's also a lot of pressure for women these days as there has always been for men to go out and be sexual. It's considered strange if you're not! Additionally, with the decline in men willing to commit to relationships over the past 20 or 30 years, women either become sexual with multiple people or they don't get any at all.

 

This mentality is the whole point of my post. Yes, so in the eyes of others I am strange because I am not jumping on the first opportunity I have to orgasm. So according to you, I am strange because I don't care to sleep with whom women I barely know. Think about what you say....

 

If what you want is someone that is "virtuous" then that is your perogative and there is no problem with that. Maybe you should just accept that we are humans and have different needs or wants and stop judging women.

 

Humans are judgemental beings. We judge without even consciously thinking about it. No where in my post did I say ALL WOMEN. I can and will however, judge those I know well enough to make a judgement.

 

We all have different needs and wants, true. I just didn't think there were so many out there who only want sex with strange people. If that's your need, then you're gonna have a rough life.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I guess I just want an honest discussion here. All the emphasis on sex seems so fake to me. I also think that women use sex to raise there self esteem. I have noticed that most girls who want sex right away end up having no self value.

 

There are as many or more guys out there who use sex to ease their insecurities as well...just like the guy you met in the bathroom.

 

There is often a reason for someone having low self esteem and unlike the girl who text'd you, maybe the next one you will get into a conversation as to why she feels she needs to have sex with you right away?

 

Maybe she will see your values and re-evaluate her own self-worth and make changes and live happily ever after with and/or because of you.

 

Sometimes there is a good reason, but sometimes it just needs to be pointed out that to them that their actions come across that way to you.