In love with my colleague

[GrandCoeurMalade]

I’m going to share my love story with a colleague who rejected my feelings (or is not alligned with tem). I’d like to hear opinions and shared experiences. I told myself that sharing might help me. Some people might think I acted with dignity and that it’s beautiful, others might think I harassed her or handled things poorly — but I’m not looking for compliments or the opposite. I just want advice on how others deal with this kind of situation, which has been a bit complex for me. I don’t see myself as the “good one” and her as the “bad one” — or vice versa.

There are a lot of details — maybe not all necessary — but I like details, that’s how I am.

I’ve been working here for 4 years in my team; she joined 2 years ago. For almost a year, we weren’t very close. I think she found me nice but a bit messy, a bit weird (which made me laugh — normally comments like that would sometimes annoy me), and very different from her. I liked her joy, sensitivity and kindness; it didn’t take much to make her laugh. Even if you weren’t funny, she made you seem funny.

Little by little, I started getting closer to her. We got along pretty well. For a long time, our relationship was only at work. Once, I invited her to the cinema — she declined. We stayed close, and my feelings for her grew. I invited her again, this time to an escape game — we had a lot of fun. Later, I suggested other activities, but she thought I was moving too fast, so I calmed down.

For her birthday, I gave her a gift — nothing personal, but symbolic: some cakes from her home country. She was touched. She didn’t expect it and didn’t even know I remembered her birthday. She also gave me a gift for mine.

We stayed like that, but I decided to give her space — partly to “test her interest,” partly because I sincerely wanted to let her go, and partly because I didn’t want to get hurt. Before, I used to give her little hugs, but I started reducing that closeness. Then she began giving me small physical gestures (little pokes in the stomach, hugs for just simple things, when once I helped her find the clasp of her earring). I admit she kept reigniting my feelings. She even started showing small signs of jealousy (It has been repetitive) when I talked to other female colleagues (she would join the conversation). I was confused — I no longer knew what her feelings were towards me.

I was tired of being in between. I decided to make things clear. I invited her one last time to go out — she declined at the last minute (probably to avoid confronting the situation). I told myself, “OK, that’s it. I have my answer.”

A week later, we had lunch together. We randomly talked about more personal things — our sensitive personalities, family conflicts, things from our childhood. It was the first time we talked about deeper things about ourselves. She came even closer to me emotionally. For her, I had become someone she identified with, someone she could share her emotions with, someone she wanted to spend more time with. Maybe at first she was just flattered by my attention and didn’t want to lose it, but over time she probably became more attached to me, emotionnally. She even tried to make me feel special — at one point, a day she told me, “Your girlfriend (her) will help you be more organized.”. I knew it was nothing romantic, but it give some hope.

Anyway, I still loved her. Eventually, I confessed my feelings (I was emotionally exhausted). I don’t even know if it was worth it, because I was about 90% convinced it wasn’t mutual (and 99% sure she didn’t want anything romantic). But it felt necessary. I also still had some hope. She told me she had suspected it for a while but didn’t want to jump to conclusions. She said she loved someone else and could only offer me friendship.

Then came a few weeks of suffering. After that, I went on vacation. When I came back, I kept my distance, but it hurt a lot. We still worked together on joint projects. I admit that even purely professional closeness calmed me (and her too). One day, I told her I had nothing against her, that I just needed some distance for myself. She said she understood but thought I was mad at her. I think I was trying to reassure her that everything was fine. She even reproached me for being “too cold” when she was sick, saying I didn’t care enough about her health and treated her like just a simple colleague.

That day we talked a lot and laughed. I told her I cried a little when she rejected me. She told me she also cried that day and felt she had damaged our relationship (I think she was sincere, and wasn't trying to impress me). I thought I had the strength to move on and let her go and keep our relationship — I admit being next to her and seeing her laugh still made me feel good. We tried to make some kind of peace.

The next day, a Friday, when she was about to leave for home, I told her to wait 30 seconds for me — we used to go to the bus stop together. She said a strict “no.” I didn’t know why. I asked, “Are you in a hurry?” She said yes. I said “OK,” but later I felt bad. So later (not the same day), I sent her a message saying I hoped everything was OK, that I had never seen her so cold toward me. She replied that she was just in a hurry and had call to do with her familly and asked if I was upset. I wrote “a bit. A simple sorry I can't not wait for you would has been nicer” She apologized.

The next week, when we saw each other, I asked what was wrong. She told me she had actually been angry this day, but it had nothing to do with me. All this made me realize I was not ready to maintain a friendship with her. I suggested her to keep real distance without no hard feelings. She said she was sorry and had a lot of problems at the moment, She is very sensitive now. I told her we were acting like a couple without being one, and that it wasn’t healthy for either of us. She said OK

When I went home, I regretted being harsh toward her (I felt a bit immature). I told myself I didn’t even know what she was going through,  (At the same time I think wasn’t completely ready to get her off my life). I also thought I had overreacted. The next day, I brought her a cake (It was my way to appologize). She asked why the change of heart, why the cake ? and what had changed since the day before. I said I had been “hard” on her. She even called me bipolar (lol). But she stayed cautious.

Not long after, she set our WhatsApp conversation to disappearing messages. Since her chat was at the top of my list, I noticed right away. I thought, “That’s strange, did I activate it?” I tried to turn it off, but the notification made it clear she had activated it. I reactivated (I thought if that is what she want it is ok) I never mentioned it to her, even though it felt like a stab in my heart. She seemed tense with me the days after, probably wondering how I’d react, but I never brought it up. She only ate the cake two or three days later (sharing with me and another colleague)

During all this time, I was in an internal conflict — killing my feelings for her, trying to keep a friendly relationship, feeling anger, wounded ego, wanting her to regret it, wanting to move on, hoping she might come back, doing my best not to make her feel guilty, and still dealing with her mistrust.

Then she went on holiday for a month, and I never sent her a message. It was the first time since I started having feelings for her that I had gone so long without writing to her.

Now, I’ve mostly overcome all that. I’ve never been this detached. I’m more determined to turn the page. The healthiest thing for me is to keep emotional distance. When she came back from her holiday recently, she brought me a gift. She brought cakes for the whole team and told me she thought of me when choosing them (less sweet, because she knows I don’t like very sweet things). We talked about her trip and laughed a lot. I even shared my Microsoft Office activation key with her because I knew she hadn’t been able to activate hers for a long time.

I’ve noticed my emotional distance makes her uncomfortable and unsettles her (because before, my attitude made it obvious I had some kind of feelings for her, No one could has guess it). I was expecting that. I know she’d like us to be closer again, even though she doesn’t want more than friendship. My intention is not to provoke anything or make her regret it. I’m not trying to make her “pay” for anything — it’s not in my nature to toy with feelings. I just want to heal, to be happy, and to have something healthier between us. I think it’s just a matter of time. I don’t want to go back, nor do I want her to.

We see each other almost every day. Our offices are next to each other. We can’t avoid each other (and I’m not in a mindset of avoiding anything). I talk to her from time to time (like I do with any colleague), but I no longer want to nurture complicity (maybe one day, who knows). Sometimes we talk and laugh, but I keep my distance. I don’t spend much time with her anymore. I know she’s not comfortable with this dynamic — I pay less and less attention to her mood now. I can sense a slight underlying tension. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one continuing to create this situation, and if I should just make our relationship purely professional.

At the same time, I don’t want to turn cold or act like she doesn’t exist. None of us is to blame — we both have our flaws. Stories like this are complicated. I know my feelings will fade eventually — I have no doubt — and I’ll probably still have a kind of appreciation or affection for her. But I doubt I’ll ever want things to be like before. Maybe it’s ego, maybe the wound is too deep, but I don’t think I want that bond again. 

NB: I used a Translator. English is not my first language

[ShySoul]

Hey. First, with all the talk of cakes, you made me hungry. Thank you. 

Seriously, everything you have been going through is normal. You are both trying to balance your feelings for each other. When one person wants more and the other person isn't feeling the same, it isn't easy to know how to act. Getting on the same page takes time and things can fluctuate. Some days you want to be best friends and feel fine talking for hours. Other days it hurts and you just need to stay away. Go easy on yourself for still trying to figure it all out.

My belief is that having a true friend that I am comfortable with and can really share myself with is rare. If I find someone I am that way with, I want to hold onto it if at all possible. I've been in a place of loving someone more then they loved me. I wanted to be with her, but she couldn't do it with where she was at in her life. But we both wanted to be friends. For us, having each other in our lives was more important then the romantic element. The connection we had with each other helped us through a lot in our lives. So even though I will always love her and part of me will always think about being with her, I am fine if it never happens. Having her as a close friend means the world to me. And I have spoken with many people who feel the same. To them the friendship means more then a relationship. If you can manage it, it is a great thing to strive for.

Others will say you can't be around a person at all. They believe in all or nothing. They would say it's why you don't try anything with a coworker at all. And for them, that's what they need and what helps them.

Ultimately, this is about what you need for you. The only opinion that matters is yours and hers. If you need to have distance, take it. If you can be friends, great, you should try it. Neither is wrong. Only you know what will help you most. Whatever you decide though, do it because it feels right and is what you think you need. Don't do something out of avoidance or because you feel pressured to. And communicate with her. Make sure she knows it's not her, that you aren't trying to avoid her. You just need space. That honesty will ease any tension or misunderstanding and help you both deal with things. And it will keep the door open should you decide to be closer friends again.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, GrandCoeurMalade said:

I talk to her from time to time (like I do with any colleague), but I no longer want to nurture complicity (maybe one day, who knows). Sometimes we talk and laugh, but I keep my distance. I don’t spend much time with her anymore. I know she’s not comfortable with this dynamic.

She is the person in a relationship - she is unavailable. If she is uncomfortable with the fact that you have declined to flirt and engage in an emotional affair (otherwise known as “friendship”) with her at the office, that’s her problem. 

You made the right decision to distance yourself. 

[Gebidozo]

OP, what you had with that woman wasn’t friendship.

Friendship is a relationship of closeness and trust between two people that isn’t marred by ambiguous feelings, unclear intentions, or any sort of romantic interest.

She was enjoying the attention you were giving you. She was flattered by your obvious romantic interest in her. She became emotionally entangled with you even though she was romantically interested in someone else. That’s not what friendship is.

But it’s not about her, it’s about you. You let yourself get attached to an unavailable woman. Of course that was a mistake. But you realized it and drastically toned down your interaction with her. You did the right thing.

Whether she likes it or not isn’t your problem at all. Do whatever it takes to further distance yourself from this unhealthy situation.

[BreakOnThrough]

Concentrate on your work, if you can't, find a new job.

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Friendship is a relationship of closeness and trust between two people that isn’t marred by ambiguous feelings, unclear intentions, or any sort of romantic interest.

Well said.

She is trying to draw you into an emotional affair, under the guise of “friendship.” What’s more, she is trying to guilt or gaslight you when you decline to be “friends” (because what’s wrong with maintaining a friendship - right?).

Friends respect relationship boundaries and  they don’t use emotional manipulation to get what they want at the expense of the other. That’s the behavior of an affair partner - an otherwise committed affair partner at that. 

Edited Thursday at 12:51 PM by BaileyB