So I met this guy

[Sony12]

A guy wanting to have sex with a gal in no way means that he likes her. He only likes what she does for him. If he goes cold after you have done that for him you are basically just a living breathing sex doll for him 

Edited August 15 by Sony12

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

What do you mean? He always wants to see me..he inniaties the sex himself. He was always the same on bed though. Im not saying the sex changed because he always takes care of himself really. Doesn't go down on me and always finishes fast because he says im so tight.

What im saying is it changed for me and the first time he didnt walk me out to my Uber. 

 

He's not even trying to give you sexual pleasure.  He's basically just using you to get off.  Does he pay for your Uber to his house and back home?  If you stick around, it will get worse.

[longdue]

4 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

What do you mean? He always wants to see me..he inniaties the sex himself. He was always the same on bed though. Im not saying the sex changed because he always takes care of himself really. Doesn't go down on me and always finishes fast because he says im so tight.

What im saying is it changed for me and the first time he didnt walk me out to my Uber. 

 

Look, from what I’m seeing, it’s like he’s could just be going through the motions because it’s familiar and comfortable or he doesn't want to cause a confrontation, not necessarily because he’s really enjoying it on a deeper level. Men are expected to initiate so we do.

It looks like you have told him he is finishing early? Small deal for you, it is just communicating your needs, for him it is a bigger deal. He may have responded defensively about your body. For a lot of guys, finishing too quickly can be a real blow to their confidence, and they often don’t have many places to talk about it or get support. So he might be feeling pretty embarrassed or frustrated, and that can show up as him seeming distant or just not putting in as much effort because he’s dealing with his own self-doubt. He can't talk to you about it obviously, that would make you feel guilty for sharing.

In the end, if you’re feeling resentful or just not getting what you need, it’s totally fair to call it off. It’s not really good for either of you to keep going if it’s just building frustration. But if you’re not resentful and you do want to give the guy a chance, consider building up his confidence a bit which can go a long way. It might feel a little unintuitive, but sometimes when you help someone feel a bit more secure, they actually respond by being more considerate and engaged in return.

And just to be super clear, a simple example is to give a little positive reinforcement. Like if he does something you appreciate, just say, ‘Hey, I really liked it when you did that.’. If he put in effort to make sure you are enjoying it, point it out. It’s the small things and behaving like the other person is a decent human being, which can really help shift the vibe and make him feel a bit more confident. Again, I am just telling you my perspective, I am putting myself in the guy's perspective. It is possible he needs a lot more support than I would need and in taht case, you probably don't want to put in that much effort, so you could just label him a jerk and call it off. 

Also, it might just be worth reflecting that while you want to be modern and have non-conservative relationship, you still expect him to have a conservative approach to being a gentleman. As a guy, I am not making an effort when I kiss and drop someone off to the uber, I just want to spend a few more minutes with the person. As I mentioned earlier, as connection drops, so do these gestures. 

Try not to use hostile words like lazy when talking to him, that isn't really constructive. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And also if you have resentment, try to deal with it before having a conversation, it shows and does affect the conversation. 

[Sugarspice25]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

He's not even trying to give you sexual pleasure.  He's basically just using you to get off.  Does he pay for your Uber to his house and back home?  If you stick around, it will get worse.

Yes he pays for the ubers

[Sugarspice25]

4 hours ago, Sony12 said:

A guy wanting to have sex with a gal in no way means that he likes her. He only likes what she does for him. If he goes cold after you have done that for him you are basically just a living breathing sex doll for him 

Thats not what Im asking. I know that. 

True thought that there's almost no communication afterwards.

[Sugarspice25]

35 minutes ago, longdue said:

Look, from what I’m seeing, it’s like he’s could just be going through the motions because it’s familiar and comfortable or he doesn't want to cause a confrontation, not necessarily because he’s really enjoying it on a deeper level. Men are expected to initiate so we do.

It looks like you have told him he is finishing early? Small deal for you, it is just communicating your needs, for him it is a bigger deal. He may have responded defensively about your body. For a lot of guys, finishing too quickly can be a real blow to their confidence, and they often don’t have many places to talk about it or get support. So he might be feeling pretty embarrassed or frustrated, and that can show up as him seeming distant or just not putting in as much effort because he’s dealing with his own self-doubt. He can't talk to you about it obviously, that would make you feel guilty for sharing.

In the end, if you’re feeling resentful or just not getting what you need, it’s totally fair to call it off. It’s not really good for either of you to keep going if it’s just building frustration. But if you’re not resentful and you do want to give the guy a chance, consider building up his confidence a bit which can go a long way. It might feel a little unintuitive, but sometimes when you help someone feel a bit more secure, they actually respond by being more considerate and engaged in return.

And just to be super clear, a simple example is to give a little positive reinforcement. Like if he does something you appreciate, just say, ‘Hey, I really liked it when you did that.’. If he put in effort to make sure you are enjoying it, point it out. It’s the small things and behaving like the other person is a decent human being, which can really help shift the vibe and make him feel a bit more confident. Again, I am just telling you my perspective, I am putting myself in the guy's perspective. It is possible he needs a lot more support than I would need and in taht case, you probably don't want to put in that much effort, so you could just label him a jerk and call it off. 

Also, it might just be worth reflecting that while you want to be modern and have non-conservative relationship, you still expect him to have a conservative approach to being a gentleman. As a guy, I am not making an effort when I kiss and drop someone off to the uber, I just want to spend a few more minutes with the person. As I mentioned earlier, as connection drops, so do these gestures. 

Try not to use hostile words like lazy when talking to him, that isn't really constructive. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And also if you have resentment, try to deal with it before having a conversation, it shows and does affect the conversation. 

Yes I expected him to walk me down because he always did before so I was a bit taken aback and felt some sort of way. 

I kept coming back because I wanted to give him a change but He finished super fast this time and I didnt even cum. So yes I am kind like whats the point? LOL.

Im going to call it off next time he invites me. 

 

 

[Sugarspice25]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The fact that a man wants to see you for sex is not an expression of interest. It only means that he has found a way to get his needs met that involves minimal effort from him - you are more than willing to comply by travelling to his home to get him off (quickly, and with no reciprocal gratification). 

You’ve done so, under the assumption (I presume) that his feelings will grow… but, that’s unlikely. In fact, he is becoming more lazy - not even bothering to get dressed and walk you to the door to say thank you for the no strings attached sex. He can do that because - you have continued to come back for more sex. In other words, you have been willing to accept the very little that he has offered. 

If that’s really all you want that you are missing perhaps you should just ask him to walk you down to your ride? 

Personally, I think you should raise your standards if this is a legit post. The only reason why I say that is because what seems pretty obvious to everyone here seems not to be obvious to you. But, that’s just me. 

I know sex is not an  expression of interest. 

What? Where did I say im confused about his feelings or wanting them to grow. I am having sex with him because I want to but it seems each time its not that great anymore for me. This is what I realized after our last encounter.

 

[longdue]

16 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Yes he pays for the ubers

From what you’ve shared—and this response—this dynamic feels a bit off, almost bordering on a sugar relationship. Why is he paying for your travel? Personally, I expect my partner to be self-sufficient. If the roles were reversed, would you be footing the bill for him to visit you? 

That said, it seems clear you’ve already decided it’s time to move on. You don’t need to wait for him to initiate that conversation. Take the lead—there’s no reason to sit around waiting for him to reach out.

And honestly, waiting for him to reach out just to reject him is needlessly cruel. You already know how this ends, so don’t make him walk into it. Also—for the sake of basic decency—please don’t tell him it’s because he finishes early. That part can stay unsaid.

 

Edited August 15 by longdue

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

I'm going to call it off next time he invites me. 

Why bother with another interaction?   Just block him

[Sugarspice25]

1 hour ago, longdue said:

From what you’ve shared—and this response—this dynamic feels a bit off, almost bordering on a sugar relationship. Why is he paying for your travel? Personally, I expect my partner to be self-sufficient. If the roles were reversed, would you be footing the bill for him to visit you? 

That said, it seems clear you’ve already decided it’s time to move on. You don’t need to wait for him to initiate that conversation. Take the lead—there’s no reason to sit around waiting for him to reach out.

And honestly, waiting for him to reach out just to reject him is needlessly cruel. You already know how this ends, so don’t make him walk into it. Also—for the sake of basic decency—please don’t tell him it’s because he finishes early. That part can stay unsaid.

 

Why wouldn't he pay for my ubers? Im not going to just hook up with him for nothing. I mean thats the least he can do. Sometimes we eat too.

You make it seem like I really despise this guy. I dont. I like him .we talk, hang out we dont just have sex. 

 

[longdue]

Yeah that’s the weird part. You are hooking up with him for sex. Expecting money makes it a bit odd.  
 

I typically treat any relationship like that transactional because there is no respect or empathy involved from the other side. People like that tend to expect a lot just for showing up. I have paid in such relationships but they end up transactional. What has usually connected for me is being with partners who bring an equal responsibility to the relationship.
 

And I apologise if I made it sound like you despise him. I was just giving you options. And telling what if feels like on the receiving end for those options. 

Edited August 15 by longdue

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Im not going to just hook up with him for nothing. I mean thats the least he can do.

This sounds like you’re doing him a favor by having sex with him and expect some sort of compensation.

Personally, I’d be offended if a woman I was hooking up with thought that way.

The whole point of hookups is that people do them for nothing.

 

[Sugarspice25]

1 hour ago, longdue said:

Yeah that’s the weird part. You are hooking up with him for sex. Expecting money makes it a bit odd.  
 

I typically treat any relationship like that transactional because there is no respect or empathy involved from the other side. People like that tend to expect a lot just for showing up. I have paid in such relationships but they end up transactional. What has usually connected for me is being with partners who bring an equal responsibility to the relationship.
 

And I apologise if I made it sound like you despise him. I was just giving you options. And telling what if feels like on the receiving end for those options. 

Expecting money? Im not taking money from him. I just ask him if he can get me an Uber. This time I came to him on my own and he got an Uber back home. Why is that such a problem to you? He's okay with that as this isn't the first time he has done that for me.

 

Edited August 16 by Sugarspice25
Grammer

[Sugarspice25]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This sounds like you’re doing him a favor by having sex with him and expect some sort of compensation.

Personally, I’d be offended if a woman I was hooking up with thought that way.

The whole point of hookups is that people do them for nothing.

 

LMAO...this is ridiculous. At most he can be a gentleman. He never objects in doing so. Thats not a problem for him and you guys make it seem like he's giving me money or buying me gifts. Im not American and in my culture thats just what is expected from a Man even if we're not dating.

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, Sugarspice25 said:

LMAO...this is ridiculous. At most he can be a gentleman. He never objects in doing so. Thats not a problem for him and you guys make it seem like he's giving me money or buying me gifts. Im not American and in my culture thats just what is expected from a Man even if we're not dating.

Regularly paying for your rides so that you could come to his place for sex is not being a gentleman. It’s being someone who views this as a purely transactional interaction.

[longdue]

It might just be cultura. or maybe just what’s normal in the circles you’ve been around. There is that attitude in some where I live  too and I generally steer clear of them or just be selfish if I really want to engage. They are easy to spot. 

For me, it’s a big red flag when a woman expects material favors after sex. I always thought pleasure was supposed to be mutual. Sure, I might go along with someone with that mindset quietly  for a fling, but I’d never see it as having potential for a real relationship.

That mindset of needing to be served usually bleeds into other areas of life too and causes problems . For example, I have access to a chauffeured ride service (billed to me personally) and often have my partners take a ride back in it (they love the fancy ride) but almost always they do something in return. Get me a takeout, home cooked food, baked goods, one even got  me flowers etc. If someone had ever indiicated it was in return for sex I would have sent them an invoice and shut it down.  

Now that mention it, it is more about both doing things for the other and not the amount of money. The rides were expensive. 

I am also not accusing you of anything. I am just giving you my perspective. You do seem like a very caring person. 

[Sugarspice25]

37 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Regularly paying for your rides so that you could come to his place for sex is not being a gentleman. It’s being someone who views this as a purely transactional interaction.

Huh?? I dont understand.

[Sugarspice25]

8 minutes ago, longdue said:

It might just be cultura. or maybe just what’s normal in the circles you’ve been around. There is that attitude in some where I live  too and I generally steer clear of them or just be selfish if I really want to engage. They are easy to spot. 

For me, it’s a big red flag when a woman expects material favors after sex. I always thought pleasure was supposed to be mutual. Sure, I might go along with someone with that mindset quietly  for a fling, but I’d never see it as having potential for a real relationship.

That mindset of needing to be served usually bleeds into other areas of life too and causes problems . For example, I have access to a chauffeured ride service (billed to me personally) and often have my partners take a ride back in it (they love the fancy ride) but almost always they do something in return. Get me a takeout, home cooked food, baked goods, one even got  me flowers etc. If someone had ever indiicated it was in return for sex I would have sent them an invoice and shut it down.  

Now that mention it, it is more about both doing things for the other and not the amount of money. The rides were expensive. 

I am also not accusing you of anything. I am just giving you my perspective. You do seem like a very caring person. 

Woah woah..I am not going to cook for the guy if we are just hooking up. Plus its not like we hook up every week. Sometimes its 3 months before we even see each other. 

Plus he's not poor and the rides are not expensive, trust me.

I mean we started out going out on 2 dates before this became a hook up situation. If he would want to be dating again, I would say yes because I do like the guy. 

I gave him a massage on our last interaction because he plays basketball and had some tightness in his thigh. Why? Because i wanted to.

But what wrong here is not the ubers, its he doesn't really satisfy me at all. Our last interaction we didnt even make out it was massage and straight sex and he finishes fast so I can barely enjoy it. Doesn't ask for round 2 which I would be happy to do. 

I don't know..

Edited August 16 by Sugarspice25
Grammer

[longdue]

So basically, you’ve been putting in effort to be nice to him, and he hasn’t really been meeting you halfway. I can see why that feels upsetting. Your first update didn’t include that part, so I was just responding to what you’d shared then. If the Uber rides are stretching your budget and he’s better off financially, it makes sense that you’d expect some balance. Still, I’d feel weird if a date made it a habit. If the rides are too much, maybe suggest him coming over to your place sometimes instead.

 

But honestly, that feels like a side issue. The bigger thing is that you’re not happy with the sex anymore. You could try talking to him about other ways of having fun and making sure you feel satisfied, or you could decide it’s just not worth it and let it go. It’s okay to put your own physical needs first.

 

And just so you don’t take it personally—going again isn’t always easy for guys, especially if he’s got some confidence struggles. It usually takes more effort from the woman, and that might leave you even more frustrated. Think of it like eating: the first plate fixes your hunger, but after that, to eat more food you need to be in a relaxed state and the food has to feel extra good to be worth eating.

[Sony12]

@Sugarspice25 It sounds like you are starting to take this personally. 

[Sugarspice25]

29 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

@Sugarspice25 It sounds like you are starting to take this personally. 

Well I feel like everyone here is attacking me for him providing me Uber rides. 

[Sugarspice25]

1 hour ago, longdue said:

So basically, you’ve been putting in effort to be nice to him, and he hasn’t really been meeting you halfway. I can see why that feels upsetting. Your first update didn’t include that part, so I was just responding to what you’d shared then. If the Uber rides are stretching your budget and he’s better off financially, it makes sense that you’d expect some balance. Still, I’d feel weird if a date made it a habit. If the rides are too much, maybe suggest him coming over to your place sometimes instead.

 

But honestly, that feels like a side issue. The bigger thing is that you’re not happy with the sex anymore. You could try talking to him about other ways of having fun and making sure you feel satisfied, or you could decide it’s just not worth it and let it go. It’s okay to put your own physical needs first.

 

And just so you don’t take it personally—going again isn’t always easy for guys, especially if he’s got some confidence struggles. It usually takes more effort from the woman, and that might leave you even more frustrated. Think of it like eating: the first plate fixes your hunger, but after that, to eat more food you need to be in a relaxed state and the food has to feel extra good to be worth eating.

Thing is he always wants to meet at his place. 

Can I ask you why you think that would be weird? 

Thanks for sharing.

[longdue]

Paying money for sex (even if not in cash) dynamics just feels off to me. You can afford the ride, right? You’re going there for your own needs too. it shouldn’t look like he’s paying for you to show up just for his. That’s why I compared it to a sugar relationship. I didn’t mean it as an insult, just sharing how I (and a lot of men I know) tend to view those kinds of arrangements.

If rides are really a struggle, I’d usually flip it around and go to her place instead. I’ve done that before with someone early in her career who didn’t drive. In the end, she ended things because the financial imbalance made the relationship feel lopsided. I think that’s similar to what you’re noticing now. Other options could be him picking you up, taking public transport, or just figuring it out the way you normally get around.

Personally, I tend to date women who are financially independent and don’t lean into the “damsel in distress” dynamic. so maybe I just can’t fully relate to your situation—or maybe it’s simply a cultural difference. For example, the women I date for relationships tend to want to pay for meals on our dates. So maybe I just live in a different bubble  

I’m just a random person on the internet, so take my perspective with a pinch of salt. You know your situation best. If you’re comfortable with it, that’s what matters—it’s your journey.

Anyway, you’ve gotten a lot of advice on this thread already, and since you feel like you are being piled  on, I’ll step back.

[Sugarspice25]

8 hours ago, longdue said:

Paying money for sex (even if not in cash) dynamics just feels off to me. You can afford the ride, right? You’re going there for your own needs too. it shouldn’t look like he’s paying for you to show up just for his. That’s why I compared it to a sugar relationship. I didn’t mean it as an insult, just sharing how I (and a lot of men I know) tend to view those kinds of arrangements.

If rides are really a struggle, I’d usually flip it around and go to her place instead. I’ve done that before with someone early in her career who didn’t drive. In the end, she ended things because the financial imbalance made the relationship feel lopsided. I think that’s similar to what you’re noticing now. Other options could be him picking you up, taking public transport, or just figuring it out the way you normally get around.

Personally, I tend to date women who are financially independent and don’t lean into the “damsel in distress” dynamic. so maybe I just can’t fully relate to your situation—or maybe it’s simply a cultural difference. For example, the women I date for relationships tend to want to pay for meals on our dates. So maybe I just live in a different bubble  

I’m just a random person on the internet, so take my perspective with a pinch of salt. You know your situation best. If you’re comfortable with it, that’s what matters—it’s your journey.

Anyway, you’ve gotten a lot of advice on this thread already, and since you feel like you are being piled  on, I’ll step back.

Yeah  but thats you. He's okay with it otherwise he would of stopped seeing me a while ago. Second of all he doesnt have a car.

I went to his place myself and he just got me an Uber back. Again we dont have a problem with that because if he did he would've stopped seeing me or just said no or something. I mean so he shouldn't even offer me food? Is what you're thinking that this is just sex no talk and I go home??? 

Im just confused because he doesnt have a problem with it. Really. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Sugarspice25 said:

Thing is he always wants to meet at his place. 

Can I ask you why you think that would be weird? 

Thanks for sharing.

It's weird and ungentlemanly because he puts it on you to come out of your home to travel to see him and then to go back out and travel back to your house.  Plus, he doesn't seem the least bit interested in trying to at least make sex pleasurable for you.  Sounds like he's using you as a sex object when he needs it.