Anyone else perpetually afraid of being the second choice?

[Anonymous]

 

Bit of a vent, bit of a question. I’ve had a lot of friendships fade over the years — especially close female friends — because they get into relationships and slowly phase me out. No drama, no fights, just… gone. It’s left me feeling like I’m always the “optional” person, the one people drop when something “more important” comes along.

In relationships, I’ve never felt like I was truly a priority either. My current partner is loving and caring, and when I tell him about these fears, he reassures me I am a priority (and usually acts accordinly). But he also believes friends should usually come first if it comes down to it, and while I agree in principle (isolation from friends should always be a dealbreaker) it still hits me in that old wound.

Add in that he sometimes talks about his last ex with some sadness as they were close friends before dating (it comes up in a relevant conversation where we are both sharing our pasts, he doesn't bring it up otherwise) but my brain instantly goes: “I’ll never be as important to him as she was.”

But on that same note we are 30 and 31, been together over a year and known each other for much longer and are looking to buy a house together in the next 6-12 months. Logically I know he loves me. He acts like he loves me, he tells me he loves me. Im aware its a bit irrational. It's just hard when the entirety of lived experience up until now HAS been relationships and friendships kinda leaving me high and dry. Not all in nefarious ways, but still. 

I like myself and I’m not insecure in every area of life — but when I care deeply, this fear of being “good but not the one” just explodes. I want to love fully without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am both medicated and have been in therapy before that is suggested . I mostly just want real life experiences and advice from others. 

If you’ve been through this, how do you convince yourself you’re not just a placeholder?

Thank you!

 

[MsJayne]

I think deep down we know when we’re not The One our partner really wants, and part of what tells us that is the way a relationship unfolds. The last thing we want to hear from a partner is regret that things didn’t work out with someone who came before us, no matter how innocently it’s couched. All it takes is one small comment to put that doubt in you, and once it’s there you start to see other evidence to support your belief that you’re the second choice. I believe that in a lot of people who feel this way it can be to do with the family background, it’s likely that there was a favourite child in the family and it wasn’t you, so you’re forever open to the possibilty that you’re second best. Personally I think it’s quite insensitive of your partner to openly express sadness over the loss of his ex’ friendship, he should be so glad he has you that she’s not even in his mind let alone worth caring about. Perhaps, if he ever mentions her in that way again, you should respond by just telling him you give zero f**ks about his previous relationships and if he wants you to stick around he should shut up about his stupid ex and appreciate how lucky he is to have you. 

[flitzanu]

if you are concerned that you are just a placeholder, it probably is not wise to "buy a house" together with this person.

[ChocolateBrown2024]

Hello,

Yes I can understand where you're coming from. Letting go of important  relationships in my mind is an excuse because people can stand in contact if they really want to. But in terms of a relationship/significant other Ibelieve people may always have positive thoughts about other person that may not apply to other so. For example oh that person over there I would love to go out on a date with.  Or, I wonder if he likes me more than his ex?

I guess what I'm saying is yes I can relate. But hey we may always come in second r third of whatever. But as long as that person likes/loves you don't worry about it.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, flitzanu said:

if you are concerned that you are just a placeholder, it probably is not wise to "buy a house" together with this person.

This^.  I would never buy a house with a man unless I was married to him.

[ShyViolet]

One of the basic rules of life: you don't EVER buy a house with someone you are not married to.  Especially someone who you have only been with a little over a year, and you have nagging doubts in the back of your mind about the relationship.  That would be a really foolish mistake.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not buy a house together. 

Your relationship is not solid enough for that at this time. What is the rush, anyway? You've only been together a year. That's not very long, and certainly not when it comes to huge finanical commitments. The fact thay you're having doubts about your importance to him is your sign not to do this right now. 

17 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Add in that he sometimes talks about his last ex with some sadness as they were close friends before dating

What has he said about her? 

I'm trying to work out if this is just your insecurity speaking, or if you have a valid reason to be concerned here.