How is it that men are able to stay detached enough for a one night stand?

[Agent M]

I could never do it myself, but always wondered how men can do a one night stand and then let the whole affair wash off them. What kind of mindset does it take?

[Gebidozo]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with consensual casual sex.

I’m a man. I’ve had several one night stands in my life. The whole point of that is that it “washes off”. Two people meet, get attracted to each other, and act upon it without planning anything or getting too emotionally involved. It could be a beautiful fleeting experience that both participants remember fondly afterwards.

Having a one night stand doesn’t mean disrespecting the person you’re having it with. The only case when it is so is when one of the participants deliberately misleads the other, for example promising a relationship and then never coming back.

I also don’t understand why your question is so gender specific. From my experience, most of one night stands “wash off” both participants equally. In fact, a few times I wanted the casual sex to become something more, but the woman didn’t. 

Sometimes, one night stands can grow into something bigger. Sometimes, they end as such, people don’t get attached to each other and don’t consider dating each other. It depends on the situation, the level of attraction, and a myriad of other factors, but definitely not on gender.

[Agent M]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with consensual casual sex.

I’m a man. I’ve had several one night stands in my life. The whole point of that is that it “washes off”. Two people meet, get attracted to each other, and act upon it without planning anything or getting too emotionally involved. It could be a beautiful fleeting experience that both participants remember fondly afterwards.

Having a one night stand doesn’t mean disrespecting the person you’re having it with. The only case when it is so is when one of the participants deliberately misleads the other, for example promising a relationship and then never coming back.

I also don’t understand why your question is so gender specific. From my experience, most of one night stands “wash off” both participants equally. In fact, a few times I wanted the casual sex to become something more, but the woman didn’t. 

Sometimes, one night stands can grow into something bigger. Sometimes, they end as such, people don’t get attached to each other and don’t consider dating each other. It depends on the situation, the level of attraction, and a myriad of other factors, but definitely not on gender.

Thanks, I do know some women who feel this way as well but always thought it was mostly men. If you are attracted to each other, how are you able to keep it purely physical without any emotional attachment??

[Gebidozo]

21 minutes ago, Agent M said:

Thanks, I do know some women who feel this way as well but always thought it was mostly men.

Not from my experience. People are just generally different. Some do one night stands, some don’t. I know some people who did them in their youth and then stopped, and others that never did them in their youth and then started doing them.

 

21 minutes ago, Agent M said:

If you are attracted to each other, how are you able to keep it purely physical without any emotional attachment??

Terms like “attraction” or “emotion” are notoriously vague, but I assume “emotional attachment” means that you want to see the person over and over again and have a relationship with them, right?

Well, I can’t speak for all people who have ever had a one night stand, but I don’t see why initial physical attraction would necessarily develop into something as serious as that.

I mean, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. What if after the one night stand the two people discover that they don’t really have much in common to start dating, let alone eventually develop an emotional attachment? What if even the physical attraction reveals itself as superficial and fleeting? What if the sex turns out disappointing in significant ways and the illusion of a nascent feeling is destroyed?

Since deep emotional attachment is much more selective than initial physical attraction, and since it takes much more time to develop, it is logical to assume that many one night stands stay as such and don’t grow into something bigger, though of course some do.

Edited August 13 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, Agent M said:

If you are attracted to each other, how are you able to keep it purely physical without any emotional attachment??

It's because you're sharing bodies, not minds.  The person could be an AH, and you wouldn't even know

[Gebidozo]

Just now, basil67 said:

It's because you're sharing bodies, not minds.  The person could be an AH, and you wouldn't even know

Exactly. What if you have a conversation after the one night stand and discover the other person has a completely different worldview and you disagree on crucial matters like ethics, life priorities, etc. Nobody would become emotionally attached to someone they are so incompatible with.

[Agent M]

On 8/12/2025 at 10:43 PM, Gebidozo said:

Exactly. What if you have a conversation after the one night stand and discover the other person has a completely different worldview and you disagree on crucial matters like ethics, life priorities, etc. Nobody would become emotionally attached to someone they are so incompatible with.

Yeah, I guess somehow I’m confused with my own behavior. If I have sex with someone, I tend to want to date them or else I wouldn’t have wanted the sex to begin with. It might however mean that I find, later on, that we are not compatible. But there’s an initial attraction to the person’s mind and then I’m in, at least temporarily. It’s actually a hindrance because I can’t seem to back up and take some distance at the start. I don’t know why I do this.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Agent M said:

Yeah, I guess somehow I’m confused with my own behavior. If I have sex with someone, I tend to want to date them or else I wouldn’t have wanted the sex to begin with. It might however mean that I find, later on, that we are not compatible. But there’s an initial attraction to the person’s mind and then I’m in, at least temporarily. It’s actually a hindrance because I can’t seem to back up and take some distance at the start. I don’t know why I do this.

I don’t think your behavior is confusing. I know many people who are just like you in that respect. And I also think that initial attraction to a person’s mind and other aspects of their personality can be strong enough to consider both having sex and dating them. It’s just that sometimes it becomes clear very soon after the first instance of physical intimacy that the person actually isn’t someone we’d want to date or even have sex with for the second time. I guess you can call it a very short-lived romance, and that situation would correspond to many one night stands out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Agent M said:

I can’t seem to back up and take some distance at the start.

I would hold off longer until you sleep with a new person, then. 

I'm a woman and I have had one-night stands here and there, generally in my younger years (I'm 44 now) I could remain detached becase, well, I usualy didn't know the man on a deeper level and didn't feel any specific connection to him. 

There are mamy who simply can't do one-night stands, for the reasoms you stated above. And  that's fine. It just means you shouldn't get intimate until you know if the relationship is going to go further. 

[Agent M]

Thanks to both of you. I’m thinking of posting the story to see what the reactions are. Would’ve liked at least a friend out of the person I hooked up with. First person I’d been intimate with in years and now….crickets.

Edited 17 hours ago by Agent M

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Agent M said:

Would’ve liked at least a friend out of the person I hooked up with

Was he a friend prior to this? 

If not, it's not likely that a friendship would develop with someone you don't know and had a one-night stand with.