41F and 44M unsure where we stand or if I'm misreading platonic/casual vibes?

[shamwow1980]

I matched with a man I briefly dated 20 years ago on an app. We reconnected and have started seeing each other casually 4 months ago. Here's my confusion and not sure what to do.

We rarely text. Its not unusual for him to go a week or more without reaching out but when he does its to make plans. I'm usually the last to reply so I try to keep conversations balanced. But he'll go 7-10 days of silence. We see each other once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks. We started sleeping together a month into 'dating'. We use protection.

He appears to have deleted his online profiles but hasn't asked me about mine or any exclusivity talk. We do go on dates like dinner before we have sex so its not a booty call. And we don't always have sex.

I have a trip planned 7 months from now and he said he'd be interested in going. I was a bit taken back by that and he seemed surprised back, asking if I didn't see us still talking at that time.

He's made no effort to introduce me to friends/family, or to define what we're doing. I've offered to have him meet some friends and he asked "do i have to?" Which was odd.

How do i approach the 'what are we' convo? I don't want marriage or kids, i'm ok with this pacing and not even asking to see him a few times a week but i do want a little bit more. Just having sex isn't cutting it any more.

Tl;dr unsure how to start the DTR convo or if i even should, situation seems very casual and he seems unsure or uninterested?

[MsJayne]

He obviously intends to continue seeing you or he wouldn't have expressed interest in joining you on your trip, and if you don't sleep together every time you go out he's not just using you for sex, so he must genuinely like being with you. It's possible that he likes the status quo just as it is, but if that's not enough for you there's no reason to be shy about asking him how he sees this panning out, you have a right to do that. Not wanting to meet your friends yet might not necessarily be a bad thing, if he's an introvert it can be a bit ho hum having to socialise with people he doesn't know, and he may prefer to wait until it is an actual committed relationship. I'm an introvert so I speak from vast experience. It's not that you don't like people, just that you don't ever want to feel obliged to hang out with them just because you're someone's partner, and unwanted socialising can be a very real reason to avoid committed relationships for us folks. The idea of having to spend another Saturday night with people who bore the crap out of us or make us feel uncomfortable in some way feels stifling. I would start the "What are we" convo like this, "So, if you think you'd like to come on the trip to Destination with me, I guess that means you're planning on staying around. Does that mean we're starting an actual relationship as opposed to a datingship?" Make it light-hearted so he doesn't feel like you're proposing, but also make it clear that you're asking a question. If he starts to hedge around it and give an essay answer just take control of the conversation by saying, "It's a yes or no question". Don't feel like you don't have a right to ask the question, you're four months in so it's perfectly reasonable to ask for definition. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, shamwow1980 said:

How do i approach the 'what are we' convo?

I wouldn't even approach it.  This guy sounds very low interest.  Not contacting you for 7-10 days at a time is basically sending the message that he cares very little about you.  That would turn me off so much I would be seriously rethinking this.

[Sanch62]

There's nothing wrong with viewing yourself as relationship material, but that's what initial dates are for--to learn whether your date views himself the same way. If not, I don't see a point in diddling with 'casual' when I already know I'm not. My time, my body, my heart--none of these things are casual to me, so why would I agree to go there in the first place to pretend that they are?

I'd rather tell a causal guy right off the bat that I really like him, but we're not aligned in our goals for dating. I'm relationship material, and I'm dating towards that goal. He's welcome to reach out to me if he ever decides that he views himself the same way. Otherwise, I enjoyed getting to know him, and I wish him the best.

[Gebidozo]

I agree with @MsJayne, not wanting to meet friends or family doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you enough or isn’t committed to you enough.

Actually, neither do the 7-10 days of silence or meeting only once in 2 weeks. But if you aren’t satisfied with that, if you feel that isn’t enough, you should definitely tell him that.

To me personally, that wouldn’t be enough, and if my partner were unwilling to get closer to my expectations of the frequency of communications and meetings, I don’t think I would be able to accept that.

[ExpatInItaly]

If someone could go a week or more without feeling feeling motivated all on his own to see what I'm up to or reach out, that would tell me he's not that interested. 

I wouldn't contnue this.  

[Interstellar]

You know you’re allowed to contact him first too right? Why does the man always have to be the initiator.  All these freaking texting mind games. Smh.

He makes plans with you, he dates you. Do you want a constant daily reassurance over text? you sound insecure. You’re not in a relationship with him. He should see you once a week though.
 

Simply ask him if he’s seeing anybody and i think it’s smart if you ask for marriage, without kids of course. Marriage solidifies the relationship. 

Edited Wednesday at 11:33 AM by Interstellar

[shamwow1980]

3 hours ago, Interstellar said:

You know you’re allowed to contact him first too right? Why does the man always have to be the initiator.  All these freaking texting mind games. Smh.

He makes plans with you, he dates you. Do you want a constant daily reassurance over text? you sound insecure. You’re not in a relationship with him. He should see you once a week though.
 

Simply ask him if he’s seeing anybody and i think it’s smart if you ask for marriage, without kids of course. Marriage solidifies the relationship. 

"Marriage solidifies the relationship. " hard disagree. I'm divorced. Marriage is just paper to a lot of people. Committment is committment, marriage or not. Marriage just makes it harder for people to separate. 

"You know you’re allowed to contact him first too right?"

I do. And he will respond. But if I don't initiate, he'll go 7-10 days with nothing, maybe longer but i've usually reached out by then. 

 

 

[Sanch62]

On 8/13/2025 at 7:29 AM, Interstellar said:

...i think it’s smart if you ask for marriage, without kids of course.

You think it's 'smart' to propose marriage to someone who doesn't even bother contacting you until you reach out after 10 days?

C'mOn.