TheBlingRing14 Posted August 9 Posted August 9 Hello! Well, here is the good news. I have been seeing someone! Almost immediately after my last post, I met someone. We connected quickly, and we have either seen each other and/or talked to each other every day ever since. I mean, it's only been 2 weeks. But....it feels very good. At least, it has been. Until the last couple of days. He typically greets me in the morning or wishes me good night with a term of endearment and some cute little comment. He tells me how stunning and beautiful I am. And, I do the same of course. It is reciprocal. Over the last couple of days, though, he has been less and less cutesy. And....I know the cutesy phase only lasts so long. I don't want to overthink anything. So, I'm trying not to panic. So last night, he texts me as he leaving work, says he is going to grab some dinner, than will call when he gets home. Which he.....technically did. 2.5 hours later. He told me that he had decided to go to a Greek restaurant, told me what he had, told me how good it was...yada yada. I had 2 thoughts about this. One is that he could have easily pulled out his phone at any point and said, "Hey I stopped at a sit down place, it might be a little while." The second thought, and this is the insecure part of me talking, is that.....2.5 hours (minus actual commute time) sounds like just about the right time for a date. Which....we are not exclusive, so he is at perfect liberty to do. So, we had a phone call, and it was perfectly decent. We discussed an upcoming date. I asked his plans for today, which included laundry, relaxing, and talking with me, he said. So....he did greet me earlier today. But, it was a very simple, "Happy Saturday!" and nothing cutesy. No terms of endearment or anything like that. We texted for a bit, then I sent him a couple of pictures of me related to the conversation we were having. His responses were very simple....he just commented on the facts about the photos themselves. But....nothing about me. Whereas he would usually say I was stunning, gorgeous, beautiful, amazing, whatever........he didn't say any of that. And, now I haven't heard from him in 5 hours. Which in the grand scheme of things isn't a lot but....combined with all the other concerns.....I just dunno. He lives in an apartment. He doesn't have a yard or a garage or a workshop. So I can't even say, "Well maybe he has been out doing...." this, that, or the other. I don't know whether to assume maybe we have just reached the point of the excitement is dying down. Or if my suspicions are legit or if I am just overthinking it....
basil67 Posted August 9 Posted August 9 It's only been two weeks - not nearly long enough to consider that he's made any type of commitment to you yet. You're still in the 'getting to know you' process and I suspect he's losing interest. You'll know within a week, unless you pull the plug first
MsJayne Posted August 10 Posted August 10 Even if you're a supermodel you should never trust anyone who comes on strong with the flattery, because they're often the same, (shallow), person who loses interest as soon as they think the chase is over. If you've made yourself readily available to suit him and he's as shallow as he sounds you're probably right to feel something's off. He's changed the rules, and do you see how easily he did that? He set the tone by acting like you're Miss Wonderful and this was going to turn into a big relationship, and then he changed it by pulling back on the lovey-dovey stuff. He's deliberately putting you on the back-foot, and it's working very well. You feel a little confused, something's changed and you feel it but you don't know what it is, you're, as you say, "panicking". Step back, take a reality check, and acknowledge that you don't like this feeling that something's not right. If you brought it up with him I'll bet $50 that he'd give you the talk about expectations and there's no commitment, etc, and you'd end up feeling slightly humiliated. Further down the track, if you do get into a relationship with him, you'd be taken for granted and if you complained about it you'd be told you're insecure and needy. Do yourself a favour and be the one to end it now.
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 You are seriously overthinking this… If it’s meant to be, it will be. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 10 Posted August 10 You're getting way, way ahead of yourself. 5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: So, I'm trying not to panic. Why would you panic over someone you barely know? This person is virtually a stranger to you. Don't assign so much importance to "cutesy" words on a screen when ypu hardly know the person sending them. Between this thrad and your last one, it is clear you have some significant dating anxiety and tend to panic easily. Where is that coming from? 1
ShyViolet Posted August 10 Posted August 10 You're overthinking to the extreme. You barely know this guy and you are not in a relationship with him. If you are truly so insecure that you "panic" if a guy goes 5 hours without texting you, it sounds like maybe you aren't ready to date. People don't need to sit on their phones all day texting you constantly. That is pretty ridiculous. People have lives. Why don't you let this develop naturally and see what happens. It might be the case that he loses interest and it doesn't go anywhere, and if that happens then so be it. You need to get your insecurity under control. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You're getting way, way ahead of yourself. Why would you panic over someone you barely know? This person is virtually a stranger to you. Don't assign so much importance to "cutesy" words on a screen when ypu hardly know the person sending them. Between this thrad and your last one, it is clear you have some significant dating anxiety and tend to panic easily. Where is that coming from? So, someone asked me last night...."Have you been cheated on in any relationships?" My response: "I've been cheated on in EVERY relationship." And not just cheated on......but in a "I've met someone else" kind of way. And then, to make matters worse, those relationships that don't quite become relationships are nearly always because they have met someone else in the meantime. I wish I knew how to fix it, but I fear this is something that will plague my psyche for the rest of my life. It's impossible for it not to. My only solution thus far is to push through the insecurity and hope it gets better. But as we can see.....it eventually comes around. 5 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You're overthinking to the extreme. You barely know this guy and you are not in a relationship with him. If you are truly so insecure that you "panic" if a guy goes 5 hours without texting you, it sounds like maybe you aren't ready to date. People don't need to sit on their phones all day texting you constantly. That is pretty ridiculous. People have lives. Why don't you let this develop naturally and see what happens. It might be the case that he loses interest and it doesn't go anywhere, and if that happens then so be it. You need to get your insecurity under control. It's not the 5 hours (ended up 8 hours but still). We often go several hours between messages on weekdays. We're both working, though, so...it's never really bothered me. It's more of just the sudden shift in energy. The sudden shift in language. The gap in communication was just sort of....icing on the cake you could say. As to the bold part, I couldn't agree more. But, I feel that ship has sailed. Because of past traumas, my insecurity is baked into the cake. (2 cake metaphors in one reply yeesh). The best I can do is hope that someone is worthy enough for me to push the insecurity aside long enough for us to form something real.
Gina2005 Posted August 10 Posted August 10 Other than calling you gorgeous and all that, have your conversations evolved into something deeper? What other topics do you talk about besides complimenting each other? It all sounds very shallow.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 1 hour ago, Gina2005 said: Other than calling you gorgeous and all that, have your conversations evolved into something deeper? What other topics do you talk about besides complimenting each other? It all sounds very shallow. Yes, we have actual conversations. I wouldn't say shallow, more in....getting to know you ways. We have been vulnerable about certain things and surface-level about certain things. The thing about the complimenting is......neither of us are "good-looking" in what I would call a traditional way. In society's portrayal of attractive. So, I think the fact that we are attracted to each other.....or at least I am attracted to him, and I think he is attracted to me (though I can't be sure anymore), I think is why the terms of endearment and the calling each other handsome, beautiful, whatever.....feels so nice. It doesn't feel shallow.....it just feels nice.
Gina2005 Posted August 10 Posted August 10 Just now, TheBlingRing14 said: Yes, we have actual conversations. I wouldn't say shallow, more in....getting to know you ways. We have been vulnerable about certain things and surface-level about certain things. The thing about the complimenting is......neither of us are "good-looking" in what I would call a traditional way. In society's portrayal of attractive. So, I think the fact that we are attracted to each other.....or at least I am attracted to him, and I think he is attracted to me (though I can't be sure anymore), I think is why the terms of endearment and the calling each other handsome, beautiful, whatever.....feels so nice. It doesn't feel shallow.....it just feels nice. I understand, but are you aware that something like that is easy to replicate? I mean, I can call you all that and don't even know you nor I don't have to in order to be able to compliment you in such a generic way, for me, it is meaningless and it is not something that would give me the impression that he has been paying attention to my personality, interests or background. I mean, compliments are fine, but, have you noticed if he says or does things that mean he is not just replicating a generic formula? Like, does he tell you things that reflect he has really listened to your previous conversations?
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 5 minutes ago, Gina2005 said: I understand, but are you aware that something like that is easy to replicate? I mean, I can call you all that and don't even know you nor I don't have to in order to be able to compliment you in such a generic way, for me, it is meaningless and it is not something that would give me the impression that he has been paying attention to my personality, interests or background. I mean, compliments are fine, but, have you noticed if he says or does things that mean he is not just replicating a generic formula? Like, does he tell you things that reflect he has really listened to your previous conversations? Yes...often. 1
Gina2005 Posted August 10 Posted August 10 3 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Yes...often. And....can you tell from you latest conversation that he still listens? Or does he sound like he isn't really paying attention anymore?
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: My only solution thus far is to push through the insecurity and hope it gets better. The other way to deal with the situation is to decide that whatever happens, you will be ok. Let go of the need to control because you have no control - especially early on in the relationship. You have no control in any relationship - if he decides to cheat or leave, he will cheat or leave. All you control is the decision to be in a relationship - pick your partner wisely and don’t invest too much too early in a relationship. 4
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 5 minutes ago, Gina2005 said: And....can you tell from you latest conversation that he still listens? Or does he sound like he isn't really paying attention anymore? Well....it's hard to remember or even think of that conversation, because I have the cloud of the last couple of days impacting my judgement. Yes, he seemed to be paying attention. And yes, he was contributing to the conversation. He was talkative. But....I guess looking back at it, from an analytical and critical standpoint....I seemed to be driving a lot of the conversation. I would ask something, he would respond and then ask back. Then we would...converse back and forth about that topic for a little bit. He asked a couple of questions, I think. But yeah....like I said....I think I was the one keeping the conversation going. 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: The other way to deal with the situation is to decide that whatever happens, you will be ok. Let go of the need to control because you have no control - especially early on in the relationship. You have no control in any relationship - if he decides to cheat or leave, he will cheat or leave. All you control is the decision to be in a relationship - pick your partner wisely and don’t invest too much too early in a relationship. That's fair. That is something I have always struggled with. The whole letting go thing. The whole, "If it happens, it happens..." thing. I wouldn't say I necessarily want control. But, it's sort of like flying in a plane. Yes, the fear is based on a lack of control. But....I don't necessarily want to control the plane. I just want to avoid the uncertainty that comes with flying. This is the same thing....I don't really want to control anything, but....I just need the certainty. I don't do well in the uncertain.
Gebidozo Posted August 10 Posted August 10 56 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I wouldn't say I necessarily want control. But, it's sort of like flying in a plane. Yes, the fear is based on a lack of control. But....I don't necessarily want to control the plane. I just want to avoid the uncertainty that comes with flying. This is the same thing....I don't really want to control anything, but....I just need the certainty. I don't do well in the uncertain. The chances of emerging from a plane flight unscathed are so much higher than the possibility of two romantic partners happily staying together for life that the metaphor doesn’t really work. The truth is that most relationships end in breakups. So the need for certainty isn’t reasonable not only because there is generally nothing certain in this life except death, but because the chances of success are really, objectively not very high in this particular sphere. Disappointment and heartbreak are part and parcel of romantic relationships. Instead of fearing them, try to accept them as inevitable steps on your way to potential success.
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I just need the certainty. I don't do well in the uncertain. Understandable. But, there is no certainty in dating or relationships. I picked a guy who said “I have never cheated. That’s not who I am. I am a one woman guy.” And, he has proven that to me for the last 10 years. That said, he could cheat tomorrow - and that would be his decision, nothing can control. If that happened, it would be terrible but I know that I would deal with it and be ok. You are trying to relieve your anxiety in the early stages of dating by seeking assurances from the men you are dating and the people on this board. Understandable - but nobody can provide any assurance that he’s interested or that this will work out and he will be faithful. You are just going to need to assess the situation and invest when you feel that it’s wise… and then, see how it goes. If you have a history of being cheated on/men choosing other relationships in every past relationship, you may want to find a counsellor to talk this through. That’s not a great lens from which to view potential relationship/partners. 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I would ask something, he would respond and then ask back. Then we would...converse back and forth about that topic for a little bit. He asked a couple of questions, I think. This is entirely normal. He is a stranger to you, there are many potential topics to discuss but not a lot of familiarity or intimacy at this point. Don’t confuse the fact that he’s not a great conversationalist or not interested in texting compliments with the fact that he is/is not a good potential relationship partner. The best advice anyone could give is to mirror his communication - and observe his response. If he’s not invested, you will know it. A dear friend once told me - take it one date at a time. If he is kind to you, if you enjoy his company, and you have fun together… then go on another date with him. Don’t look much further than that when you are first getting to know each other. Remove the pressure of expectations. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 28 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: The truth is that most relationships end in breakups. So the need for certainty isn’t reasonable. Disappointment and heartbreak are part and parcel of romantic relationships. Very true. The other thing that helped me was to realize that avoiding relationships for fear of being hurt is just another kind of pain. The pain of loneliness and the regret of missing out on life. This is life - happiness and joy, pain and grief - you will experience it all in your life, there is no avoiding it. The single best thing you can do to set yourself up for success is to choose wisely. Spend the time to assess the man before you give your heart away - is he a good man, does he treat you well, is he kind, how does he handle stress, is he easily angered or pretty even-keeled, what does he value, is he committed to friends and family, what is his relationship history, is he a good partner/does he share the work and the responsibility, etc… 1
Gina2005 Posted August 10 Posted August 10 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: But....I guess looking back at it, from an analytical and critical standpoint....I seemed to be driving a lot of the conversation. I would ask something, he would respond and then ask back. Then we would...converse back and forth about that topic for a little bit. He asked a couple of questions, I think. But yeah....like I said....I think I was the one keeping the conversation going. And that's OK, but the part where you can know if he is listening is when you go back to those topics and he remembers. I have a friend who opened up to a guy she had just started dating and told him about her past trauma and how that had shaped her personality and the way she approached dating, and she was all happy of what a good listener he was, and how glad she was that she allowed herself to be vulnerable around him and all that. The next time they touched the subject he couldn't remember anything, she was shocked, and asked him what did he remember, and he told her things that were not all all what she had shared with him, and it was something really serious and personal, something he should have remembered. It is was a huge disappointed for her. 1
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 To be fair, my husband and I tell each other things all the time only to learn that the other is not really listening and does not remember what we have said. But early on, I was amazed at how attentive he was to everything I told him. He still reminds me of things that I said in the early stages of dating and I’m impressed with what he remembers. And, as said, when one discloses something deeply personal and serious, it’s not wrong to be very disappointed and disheartened to learn that the other person has not understood or respected that. It’s a sign of not so good things to come… 2
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 Thanks for all your comments. Thought I would check in with an update. I have been trying to adopt a very zen "Keep calm and carry on" attitude that a number of you suggested in one fashion or another. Some moments have been better than others. It will be much easier during the work week. Even though I can keep myself busy on the weekend, there is still a lot of down time, and a lot of my "busy" on the weekends involves computer work, so...it's easy to go down a rabbit hole. So here's the scoop: Today: Has he reached out to me? Yes. Have we had some texts back and forth? Sure. Does the conversation feel like our typical conversation? No. Have I been left on "Read" for 2 hours? Yup. As far as last night goes...he did eventually reply to me. Said he had a 6 hour nap, which... We had a very short conversation, to which he added a couple more things to our "List" of things to do together. Good sign. He then left me on Read for an hour. Bad sign. Eventually, I told him I was going to bed, and he did reply to that. So, like I said.....I am just kind of letting things ride for now. I'll see once we get back into the routine and swing of the work week how things go. Friends have encouraged me to have a conversation with him about it, but in my experience...broaching a "Is something wrong?" conversation is the kiss of death.
ShyViolet Posted August 10 Posted August 10 You really need to stop obsessing over how long it takes him to reply to each and every text message. There's no law that says people have to reply to all texts immediately. You are putting his texting behavior under a microscope and letting insecurity rule you. You said earlier that you have no plans to work on your anxiety and insecurity, because you feel that it's a permanent part of you and can never change. I think that's the wrong attitude. We can always work on ourselves. This insecure, anxious behavior is very counterproductive to having a relationship. 2
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 Yeah - don’t text the man that you have known for two weeks and with whom you are not yet in a relationship to ask him why he is not responding to your texts immediately. That is a bad idea. Do you have plans to see him again? If so, keep the texting at a minimum until you have the opportunity to spend some more time with him. If not - suggest something and see if he is interested in getting together again. I would seriously limit the texting until you spend more time together and you have both decided to be in a relationship together. You are using the wrong metric to assess his interest/find assurances to calm your anxiety. It’s going to drive him away more than anything else - 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 10 Author Posted August 10 3 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: You really need to stop obsessing over how long it takes him to reply to each and every text message. There's no law that says people have to reply to all texts immediately. You are putting his texting behavior under a microscope and letting insecurity rule you. You said earlier that you have no plans to work on your anxiety and insecurity, because you feel that it's a permanent part of you and can never change. I think that's the wrong attitude. We can always work on ourselves. This insecure, anxious behavior is very counterproductive to having a relationship. I never said that.... I just said/meant that when certain things happen and become a part of how you view people, relationships, life in general......it's a part of you forever. It is in your psyche forever. You can't get rid of it. You can only learn to live with it. As to the text responses....it's not about the time, which I am sure you understand. It's about the change and shift from responding quickly and leaving on read. Surely, you can understand the concern here is the shift in energy.
basil67 Posted August 10 Posted August 10 17 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: but in my experience...broaching a "Is something wrong?" conversation is the kiss of death It's not the question which is the kiss of death, it's the behaviour behind you wanting to ask the question which is the kiss of death. If you've got to ask if something is wrong this early on, there probably is something wrong.
BaileyB Posted August 10 Posted August 10 12 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Surely, you can understand the concern here is the shift in energy. The best thing to do is to take a step back. If you have plans to see him again, cut back on the texting. Suggest that you make plans to get together if you don’t have anything planned now. Let him step up to text you - You will get a better understanding of his interest if you step back and let him step up. Mirror his communication and time will tell if he is serious or not. That’s literally all you can do.
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