Camgirl Addiction

[GavinHoff]

Wanted to talk about this with real people without being made fun of. It's hurting my wallet, and it's not fixing my social issues.

I always thought of camgirls and whatnot as a ridiculous addiction. I remember getting chaturbate popups when I was 13 and trying to watch pirated movies, and being disgusted. I still do find that website gross, it's too much for me. I've never been one to indulge in visual porn either, the obscenity is too much. The peak of my degeneracy is adult fics and whatnot in high school when I was bored; it makes it all the more disappointing and shocking that I've found myself addicted to some camgirl websites. I actually started reading these kinds of forums in my high school years to kick the habit of unclean reading, which I felt was really bad for me. There's a lot of good advice here, but now I need some personally tailored advice. I don't want to name specific websites, since that might come across as shilling, or might provoke someone else to view those sites.

I stumbled across the first one by accident, I had clicked an ad. I was surprised that most of the streamers were clothed. I could look at them without being disgusted by them being obscene or fulfilling obscene requests. Streams would occasionally pause when someone requests a private show. It makes it feel much more personal. Unlike something explicitly pornographic, it makes you think "they're not insane, promiscuous women, they're just like any other girl on the street, except these women state their prices for letting you see things."
That sounds extremely exploitative, and I guess that's because it is, that's one of the main reasons I want to stop.

It got out of hand when I made an account, bought the first time pack of credits (you can't chat unless you have credits), and just started chatting. I'd always talk to the ones with no viewers, competing for interaction is annoying (especially when you're paying for it), and some guy asking her to take her shirt off, when I've just asked her about her pets, kills the interaction I was having. It's surprisingly satisfying, like heroin. Dropping into a chat, giving a tip, talking to them, etc., sometimes they're unenthusiastic, so I'd just dip, some of them really liked chatting and would lose themselves in conversation after a single tip. I'd sometimes spend close to an hour chatting to a single girl without having given too much money. I add the chatty ones to my favourites, then soon I quickly had a list of 20+ favourites, at least one would always be on. I'd drop in, announce my presence with a tip, chat, maybe give her a larger tip and ask her to change into a dress off-screen, etc.
You can get long conversations out of small tips, and it sounds so, so, pathetic, but it feels so warm to have a girl say my name.

I'm not an irresponsible lunatic, I haven't bankrupted myself, but I have lost way more than I'm comfortable with as a 21yo student, and I've always disliked excess. I've curbed sexual habits before, I'm not a degenerate and for the most part I have a pretty reigned in sexual appetite, but this time it feels like I've learned of a hole that I've had in me all this time. Before, I'd lay in bed and feel bad about tfw no gf, now I just think, "man, I bet Layna is streaming right now. I wonder how her studies are going."

I hate what I've done to myself, and I don't know what to do about this. I live and study from a very remote location. I go to church and do aged care as my part time job to cover myself, so I do interact with other people regularly, but only with old people. Living in a remote, rural location means everyone in the town closest to me is also really old.

I have no idea what to do going forward. I've used the sites much less now that I've consciously decided they're immoral and bad for my health, but I have the constant desire to go back, or to get some kind of validation from women.

Edited Friday at 11:24 AM by GavinHoff
Grammar issue

[Gebidozo]

There is nothing shameful in having sexual urges and being horny.

There is also nothing shameful in craving love, romance, companionship, and generally communication with the members of the opposite sex.

The problem in your case is that you seem to be lacking a healthy source of both sexual and emotional satisfaction.

Those chats you’re having are a symptom, you need to cure the disease itself.

Find a girlfriend and have sex with her. Explore your own sexuality and learn about women’s sexuality with her.

Or even have some more casual romance, if serious long-term relationship is not what you’re looking for right now.

 

[GavinHoff]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The problem in your case is that you seem to be lacking a healthy source of both sexual and emotional satisfaction.

Thanks for the reply. Do you think it'd be worth looking into transferring?
I have really good grades, I could easily transfer to any mid-tier or higher, and possibly apply for an RPL and a living assistance scholarship.

I always thought I'd just wait until I've finished my degree, then I'd move to the cities for clerkships and whatnot, and then I'd try my hand at dating. I have zero experience with ladies, but it can't hurt to learn just by being really honest and forward.

[Gebidozo]

Why wait till you get your degree to start dating?

Usually people start dating in highschool. You said you were 21 and a student. Does that mean that you go to college? If so, why don’t you try dating someone who goes there as well?

[GavinHoff]

I'm a university student, but I do online education. I've been on campus for about 6 hours, only to sit exams in controlled conditions, before going back home. All my studies are online since I live in the middle of nowhere.

That's why I imagine waiting until I get my degree, because it'd allow me to live in the city, and I'd also actually have something to offer to a lady where I don't as of now. 

[Gebidozo]

Well, yes, if you live in “the middle of nowhere” and there are literally no young single women there at all, then move to the city. For sure the college can offer you some accommodation on the campus? And you said yourself that you could transfer if you wanted to.

College is fun because you meet people there, you make friends and have romances. I wouldn’t wait a single day, especially if I needed sex and affection so badly that I’d pay money to strangers for an illusion of those.

As for “offering” something, you sound like you’re already thinking of marrying and having kids, what I mean is just dating. You can do that regardless of any degrees or jobs. I was dirt poor in college and for several reasons my degree got delayed by several years. I still had girlfriends and a few more casual connections back then.

[GavinHoff]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

move to the city...you said yourself that you could transfer if you wanted to.

I'm looking into it now. I hadn't done so before because I live quite economically, and I have some good savings. You're right, no point in continuing like this if I feel the compulsion to throw hundreds away every time I wake up in the morning.

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

As for “offering” something, you sound like you’re already thinking of marrying and having kids, what I mean is just dating.

No, I'm just thinking about dating, but I need to have some reason why a lady would ever choose me. You sound like a really attractive guy. I'm just an average man.

Edited Saturday at 02:54 AM by GavinHoff
Grammar issue

[basil67]

2 hours ago, GavinHoff said:

No, I'm just thinking about dating, but I need to have some reason why a lady would ever choose me. You sound like a really attractive guy. I'm just an average man.

Nothing wrong with being an average man.  But why do you only consider attractiveness when it comes to what women want?   They also want good emotional connection, kindness, fun, some common interests, similar morals and ethics.....   

It's more about who you are than what you look like

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, GavinHoff said:

No, I'm just thinking about dating, but I need to have some reason why a lady would ever choose me. You sound like a really attractive guy. I'm just an average man.

Do you mean average looking?

If so, then I’m average as well. I’m pretty sure my looks weren’t even among the top 5 reasons why some women chose to have relations with me.

Maybe you should stay away from the world of camgirls and get to know women in real life.

 

[MsJayne]

Why don't you sign up to a couple of date sites? You can talk to girls without having to pay them and start learning to navigate modern dating, and you might even start chatting to someone who lives in a remote area like yourself. It'd be a lot healthier than what you're currently doing, especially given that there are some risks associated with interacting with girls who do explicit things online. They may tell you they're 18+ but you can never really be sure. 

[GavinHoff]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

But why do you only consider attractiveness when it comes to what women want?

29 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Maybe you should stay away from the world of camgirls and get to know women in real life.

I guess I have more issues than just this addiction. Thank you.

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Why don't you sign up to a couple of date sites?

Confidence, I suppose. You're right there's no harm in trying, especially if I'm already spending money and time on something fake. Signing up or paying for the algorithm would probably cost a fraction of what I'd otherwise spend in a sitting, too.

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

risks associated with interacting with girls who do explicit things online

I understand, it's a shameful confession, but I would typically sort by age and talk to the older streamers because it helped me feel like I was being more humane and less exploitative.

Edited Saturday at 06:46 AM by GavinHoff
Grammar, I need to proof read T_T