Did this guy dump me because I didn’t go over to his place at 1am to give him oral even after I told him he should let me know when he is free?

[basil67]

@Onxy continuing on the boyfriend theme....if you want a boyfriend, you need to understand how your own choices are giving you a negative outcome. 

Early on in the thread you were defensive about the idea of avoiding first date sex.   The 'three date rule' isn't about being prudish or old fashioned, rather it's about finding out if you like him and he likes you enough to actually start dating.  It's actually a consequence of the modern era of sex being destigmatised, and it's how women are protecting themselves against being pumped and blocked - just like you were here.  And the guy before that. 

If you want easy sex with no commitment and no dating afterwards, continue as you are.  But if you want a boyfriend, please consider holding off on sex for a couple of dates to see if they actually like you.  

 

[Onxy]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

With the way you went about meeting this guy, you put yourself straight into the hookup category, so you did this to yourself.  No woman who want a boyfriend will say "first date at your place"

Was this guy advertising for a girlfriend or casual sex?

His profile didn't indicate anything if he was looking for a girlfriend or casual sex. He just had pictures and I was attracted to him. Bumble has a new feature where guys can use some sort sort of opening line where the guys can put whatever question they want  and one of the most common questions asked are: "Date night out or Date night in." I told him Date night in, he did suggest a bar near where he lives-literally right by his place, a walkable distance...I was like, what's the point of having drinks at a bar where we can have drinks at his place. He told me he had drinks. When we got to his place he gave me water instead and we sat on the couch and he turned on the tv, and we were ready to watch a movie, but that didn't happen obviously.

Even if we did go to that bar, I feel that he would have asked me to go to his place, since it was a walking distance. 

 

Edited Wednesday at 11:37 PM by Onxy

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

The 'three date rule' isn't about being prudish or old fashioned, rather it's about finding out if you like him and he likes you enough to actually start dating. 

I wouldn’t call it a “rule” simply because literally following it would just decrease spontaneity and romance in dating.

But I agree that what it stands for is taking at least some time to have conversations, develop basic chemistry, and like each other.

Maybe sometimes this happens so fast, and the attraction is so strong, that people don’t need three dates to feel certain they want to have sex with each other.

But this certainly wasn’t the case with the OP, who actually pretty much insisted that her “date” with a complete stranger started and ended with sex.

[Gebidozo]

51 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Even if we did go to that bar, I feel that he would have asked me to go to his place, since it was a walking distance. 

But then at least you’d have a chance to talk to the guy before having sex with him. And he was willing to do that. It was you who insisted on going to his place. How come you don’t understand that this means “I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to know you, all I’m looking for is casual sex”?

And then you say it’s hard to find a boyfriend. Of course it’s hard when you basically tell a guy that you don’t want a boyfriend, you just want a hookup. 

[Onxy]

42 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But then at least you’d have a chance to talk to the guy before having sex with him. And he was willing to do that. It was you who insisted on going to his place. How come you don’t understand that this means “I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to know you, all I’m looking for is casual sex”?

And then you say it’s hard to find a boyfriend. Of course it’s hard when you basically tell a guy that you don’t want a boyfriend, you just want a hookup. 

Right, I went over to his place and we were ready to watch a movie, I was down with that, but then he told me he wanted to f**K me. Why does going over to a guys place automatically mean immediately sex to a guy? Yeah, of course I wanted to, but we could have watched the movie and chit chat for a few minutes. 

[Gebidozo]

6 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Why does going over to a guys place automatically mean immediately sex to a guy?

It doesn’t.

But it did in your case, because you made it clear to him from the very beginning that’s all you wanted.

OP, I think you don’t quite understand the mechanics of hookups vs. dating. You appear to ignore the differences between casual sex, dating, committed relationships, etc.

I really don’t advise you to get into situations such as this before you’re able to grasp these differences, as it will just keep causing you further confusion and discomfort.

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I wouldn’t call it a “rule” simply because literally following it would just decrease spontaneity and romance in dating.

But I agree that what it stands for is taking at least some time to have conversations, develop basic chemistry, and like each other.

Maybe sometimes this happens so fast, and the attraction is so strong, that people don’t need three dates to feel certain they want to have sex with each other.

But this certainly wasn’t the case with the OP, who actually pretty much insisted that her “date” with a complete stranger started and ended with sex.

It's known as the 'third date rule" in common vernacular, but yes, if we're being pedantic, it's a strategy.

And as it so happens, I had sex with my husband on the night of the day we met.  However, we'd built a tremendous rapport during the day.  But I also knew that I was taking a risk that it could have been a one night stand and if that was the case, I wouldn't have questioned it. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Onxy said:

His profile didn't indicate anything if he was looking for a girlfriend or casual sex. He just had pictures and I was attracted to him. Bumble has a new feature where guys can use some sort sort of opening line where the guys can put whatever question they want  and one of the most common questions asked are: "Date night out or Date night in." I told him Date night in, he did suggest a bar near where he lives-literally right by his place, a walkable distance...I was like, what's the point of having drinks at a bar where we can have drinks at his place. He told me he had drinks. When we got to his place he gave me water instead and we sat on the couch and he turned on the tv, and we were ready to watch a movie, but that didn't happen obviously.

Even if we did go to that bar, I feel that he would have asked me to go to his place, since it was a walking distance. 

 

Indeed he would have ask you to go back to his place - because both his options made it clear that he was just after sex. 

If a guy is interested in you as a person, he will come to your town for the date (or at least half way) and not assume that you'll invite him to your home. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Onxy said:

he did suggest a bar near where he lives-literally right by his place, a walkable distance...I was like, what's the point of having drinks at a bar where we can have drinks at his place

Really, you have no clue what the difference is? 

 

[Anonymous]

It is totally ok to go for physical satisfaction first and then see if there is a connection. And similar to a date it is normal to wonder why something didn’t work out. Dates don’t proceed beyond dinner, sex doesn’t proceed beyond hookups sometimes. It happens. 

I don’t agree with other posters that there is a linear progression: connection and then sex. I have been in relationships where there was no connection but intimacy jump started a connection.

Your approach to getting what you want seems quite liberating. 

My point is that you can’t mind read. It didn’t go further. Just as a date couldn’t have.  Try again. If you want to start with sex, do.  There are a ton of men who are compassionate and don’t pump and dump. Heck they might even find you non conventional and interesting which is a spark. 
Don’t overthink 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

There are a ton of men who are compassionate and don’t pump and dump.

What does this have to do with compassion? Starting a relationship with someone you only view as a hookup isn’t a compassionate act at all, it’s a dishonest act.

 

 

 

 

 

[Onxy]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Really, you have no clue what the difference is? 

 

I knew that I wanted to hook up with him, but I wouldn't have minded chatting a little or even watching a movie when I was at his place, but that didn't happen. As soon as we sat on the sofa he turned on the tv, told me how sexy I was and told me he wanted to f**k me. I just thought we were going to have a conversation first THEN hook up.

He mentioned if I wanted to have drinks at his place or go to a bar. I'm like, well, if he has drinks at his place, why would I spend money at the bar? 

Edited 12 hours ago by Onxy

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I just thought we were going to have a conversation first THEN hook up.

This is why you don't go to a man's house immediately. 

37 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I'm like, well, if he has drinks at his place, why would I spend money at the bar?

So you at least have the opportunity to talk first without a man trying to get you in bed right away. That's why. 

 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

What does this have to do with compassion? Starting a relationship with someone you only view as a hookup isn’t a compassionate act at all, it’s a dishonest act.

 

 

 

 

 

Not everyone views hookups as a negative thing. If both just want sex it is fine. How is it dishonest? Feelings develop on both sides. You are making it sound like only women develop feelings.  You find someone physically attractive and then later find that they are  someone you actually connect with well. Happens a lot. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Onxy said:

He mentioned if I wanted to have drinks at his place or go to a bar. I'm like, well, if he has drinks at his place, why would I spend money at the bar? 

1.  He invited you, plus you had to travel to him, so he'd be buying the drinks at the bar - not you.   

2.  Meeting outside his house gives you time to figure out if you even feel safe with him.   Going straight to the house of a man you've never met is so freaking dangerous.

3.  It also ensures that you spend a bit of time getting to know each other before sex.  

I've probably said this before, but given that you've got no friends, can't get a boyfriend and this is not the first time you've found yourself misreading what was clearly a purely sexual situation, I think you need a therapist who can teach you about navigating social and relationship situations.   

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Not everyone views hookups as a negative thing. If both just want sex it is fine. How is it dishonest? Feelings develop on both sides. You are making it sound like only women develop feelings.  You find someone physically attractive and then later find that they are  someone you actually connect with well. Happens a lot. 

Err… It looks like you didn’t quite understand what I said. You’re replying to points I never raised.

I don’t view hookups as a negative thing. I had hookups myself and some of them were fun and exciting.

I obviously don’t think that only women develop feelings. I don’t know where you got that extremely bizarre idea from, certainly not from anything I said.

I had the impression that you were advising the OP to keep having hookups with men, hoping that some of them would be “compassionate” and upgrade the hookup to a relationship for that reason. I pointed out that having a relationship with a person you view only as a hookup, without having real feelings for that person, wouldn’t be compassionate but deceitful. I don’t think people should have relationships out of pity, it’s unhealthy and harmful to both partners.