Did this guy dump me because I didn’t go over to his place at 1am to give him oral even after I told him he should let me know when he is free?

August 11

3 hours ago, Onxy said:

And no I don't have any close female friends, even if I did I wouldn't discuss my love life to them.

Why not? That's who most women go to with their love problems. They know you better than complete strangers on forums.

August 11

On 8/8/2025 at 8:41 PM, Onxy said:

Quote

So, you are saying he "changed" his mind in 24 hours? Because when we had our convo text-he was saying stuff like how he still wanted me, we were going to do other sexual things, I even told him to text me when he is free, he said he will. I mean, why even say it in the first place?

Because that conversation happened in the heat of the moment when he was horny. Because you are not his girlfriend or special to him, he easily forgot about it or later after he thought about it, he got turned off by how easy you were.

Quote

Why can't they flat out say they don't want to do it anymore? That's what I'm saying.

Because men don't really like hurting women's feelings. They hope their silence will send the message to the woman that they are not interested.

Quote

Are you saying the next time I go on a date, and the guy tells me he will text me, we should do this again sometime, or make plans, then I hear NOTHING, that's acceptable? I shouldn't get my hopes up and get excited? I should show a poker face-guys will see my body language and I will come off as not interested. I should hope for nothing and still keep my options open?

What you should do is wait until they set a day and time for the date, then get excited. Otherwise it's just talk. I would also advise you not to put all of your eggs in one basket. Since you like hook ups, I would advise you use protection and not depend on one guy for your hook up. As you can see you caught feelings from it with this guy. Chose men who are more eager to hook up with you rather than the other way around.

August 11

5 hours ago, Onxy said:

There are a bunch of online forums I can vent to, what's wrong with them

We don't know you.

People who know you in real life can guide you much more effectively.

5 hours ago, Onxy said:

And no I don't have any close female friends

Have you got any close male friends? What's your social life like?

August 11

10 hours ago, Onxy said:

And no I don't have any close female friends, even if I did I wouldn't discuss my love life to them.

There are a bunch of online forums I can vent to, what's wrong with them

Yes, female friends discuss their love lives...the good, the bad and the ugly. And our friends are there for us with hugs and advice

People on online forums can't give great advice because we can't see the big picture of your interactions

August 12

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

We don't know you.

People who know you in real life can guide you much more effectively.

Have you got any close male friends? What's your social life like?

I don't have any male friends. I don't have a social life. I go to events alone, even go on trips alone, if I can't find anyone to go with, why would I wait all my life for other people? Only for them to flake out last minute--which has happened before. I'm a solo gal. The only places I don't go alone would be bars or clubs.

I've done meet-ups before covid, Even though I met a few nice gals there, it just seemed they were all cliquey with the other gals who had been going to those same meetups for months. I haven't gone to another meetup since then. I was thinking of going again, but I don't want to run into the same problem. Sure, they are "friendly," but to make friends is a whole other story.

Edited August 12 by Onxy

August 12

1 hour ago, Onxy said:

why would I wait all my life for other people?

Who suggested you should?

I also often travel solo, and I have an active social life. The two aren't mutually exclusive. The reason I asked is because the way you have attached yourself to this fleeting and random interaction made me wonder if you are otherwise quite socially isolated.

August 12

On 8/11/2025 at 3:16 AM, Onxy said:

Could you define date vs hookup?

People have sex on the first meeting all the time; this isn't 1950 anymore, where women don't have sex with a guy they are seeing until marriage.

I mean, you literally called it a hookup in your opening post, but in later posts you describe it as dating.

So the question really is: What's YOUR definition of a hookup? Because it doesn't sound like you understand what the term usually means.

Edit: I just read the last page. It's actually fairly common to develop feelings after having sex. Many of us do, and that's why we don't do hookups - because we know we might get attached.

You can't just have a hookup and then expect the other person to automatically develop feelings for you. It's likely that hookups just aren't right for you, and that's okay.

Edited August 12 by Els

August 12

@Onxy when you're out there on dating apps, what exactly are you looking for? If you want more than sex, would you like some pointers as to how to go about finding an actual boyfriend?

For starters, suggesting a first date at his place just screams "hookup" and a guy will never see you as anything else. There are better ways to go about this

August 14

On 8/12/2025 at 3:26 AM, basil67 said:

@Onxy when you're out there on dating apps, what exactly are you looking for? If you want more than sex, would you like some pointers as to how to go about finding an actual boyfriend?

For starters, suggesting a first date at his place just screams "hookup" and a guy will never see you as anything else. There are better ways to go about this

Yes, I want more sex and some pointers on how to find a boyfriend.

For dating, how many dates will it take for the sex to happen then? I want to feel desired and for the guy to find me sexually attractive and want him to jump by bones. If I'm just having a conversation with a guy, then that doesn't even mean anything to me. That's just means being friends with a guy and nothing else. I have conversations with male coworkers at work-is that what dating with no sex is like? Boring and dull?

August 14

38 minutes ago, Onxy said:

Yes, I want more sex and some pointers on how to find a boyfriend.

For dating, how many dates will it take for the sex to happen then? I want to feel desired and for the guy to find me sexually attractive and want him to jump by bones. If I'm just having a conversation with a guy, then that doesn't even mean anything to me. That's just means being friends with a guy and nothing else. I have conversations with male coworkers at work-is that what dating with no sex is like? Boring and dull?

It sounds like you do like sex and don't like people. Thing is though, if you want a boyfriend, you need to enjoy the company of other people. Sure, there are some people out there who are unpleasant or boring, but a whole lot of people who are friendly and nice. And when a when a man and woman find each other and really enjoy each other's company, they will become boyfriend and girlfriend and have sex. They may also have sex before being boyfriend and girlfriend, but for it to progress, they MUST like each other.

In all honesty, given you have no friends and have nothing positive to say about being in the company of others, I strongly recommend speaking to a psychologist. I don't know if you've got trauma in your past (sexual abuse?) or perhaps have a social skill disorder... but there is something going on here and you need professional help. It could change your life!

Edited August 14 by basil67

August 14

1 hour ago, Onxy said:

is that what dating with no sex is like? Boring and dull?

Not at all, no.

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

In all honesty, given you have no friends and have nothing positive to say about being in the company of others, I strongly recommend speaking to a psychologist.

I agree with this suggestion.

You won't be able to find a boyfriend when you're this defensive and bitter about people in general, OP.

August 14

4 hours ago, Onxy said:

Yes, I want more sex and some pointers on how to find a boyfriend.

For dating, how many dates will it take for the sex to happen then? I want to feel desired and for the guy to find me sexually attractive and want him to jump by bones. If I'm just having a conversation with a guy, then that doesn't even mean anything to me. That's just means being friends with a guy and nothing else. I have conversations with male coworkers at work-is that what dating with no sex is like? Boring and dull?

You’re literally saying that what you want is to have a casual f*** buddy. Because “conversations mean nothing to me” literally means “I only want sex”.

And then you say that you want a boyfriend. Which, by definition, involves conversation.

First you tell a guy you met on a casual hookup website to have a casual hookup without even first going to a bar.

And then you say that you caught feelings for your one hookup guy and expect him to develop feelings for you as well.

So which is it? You can’t have both. A f*** buddy won’t have feelings for you, which you seemingly crave. A boyfriend won’t agree to just keep “jumping your bones” without having conversations and dates and getting to know each other and everything else that boyfriends and girlfriends do, which you dismiss as undesirable.

August 14

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re literally saying that what you want is to have a casual f*** buddy. Because “conversations mean nothing to me” literally means “I only want sex”.

And then you say that you want a boyfriend. Which, by definition, involves conversation.

First you tell a guy you met on a casual hookup website to have a casual hookup without even first going to a bar.

And then you say that you caught feelings for your one hookup guy and expect him to develop feelings for you as well.

So which is it? You can’t have both. A f*** buddy won’t have feelings for you, which you seemingly crave. A boyfriend won’t agree to just keep “jumping your bones” without having conversations and dates and getting to know each other and everything else that boyfriends and girlfriends do, which you dismiss as undesirable.

I don't know...what I want. I want to feel desired by guys, and I want affection. Dating apps seem to be good for finding something quickly. Finding a boyfriend is hard these days. Its like not having a boyfriend means the sex department no longer exists. Having a boyfriend all boils down to compatibility, interests, vibes, etc, etc. So, I'm supposed to use sex toys in place of men? And no, I've never been sexually abused. I was an ugly duckling throughout middle school-high school where NO guys wanted me or looked my way while the other pretty girls peaked early, and all the guys wanted them. And when I got older I improved my looks, that's when guys finally started noticing me, and on the apps-some of the guys that were football players or star athletes complimented me on my looks, hence all the hook ups that I did because I never got the attention before.

August 14

1 hour ago, Onxy said:

I don't know...what I want. I want to feel desired by guys, and I want affection. Dating apps seem to be good for finding something quickly. Finding a boyfriend is hard these days. Its like not having a boyfriend means the sex department no longer exists. Having a boyfriend all boils down to compatibility, interests, vibes, etc, etc. So, I'm supposed to use sex toys in place of men? And no, I've never been sexually abused. I was an ugly duckling throughout middle school-high school where NO guys wanted me or looked my way while the other pretty girls peaked early, and all the guys wanted them. And when I got older I improved my looks, that's when guys finally started noticing me, and on the apps-some of the guys that were football players or star athletes complimented me on my looks, hence all the hook ups that I did because I never got the attention before.

Nobody here is accusing you of immorality or anything like that. There is nothing wrong with consensual casual sex. You don’t need to be defensive about that if all you want is just a hookup. But you said it yourself, you don’t know what you want. You are saying you want affection, but you won’t get much of it from one night stands.

You’ve got your validation from men, now you know that you’re sexually desirable. Maybe it’s time to up the ante and aim for loftier goals. Try dating and romance instead of mere hookups.

August 15

13 hours ago, Onxy said:

Having a boyfriend all boils down to compatibility, interests, vibes, etc, etc. So, I'm supposed to use sex toys in place of men?

Nobody has suggested you stop having casual sex. What we're saying is that you should never expect a casual sex partner to see you a second time, let alone want to be your boyfriend. You're there to meet a physical need.... and if he's a jock, there's plenty more options out there

August 19

I see this a bit differently. From my experience, he’s probably withdrawing. He wanted something, you said you weren’t in the mood (sleepy), but then you acted in a way that suggested otherwise by sending flirty texts. That can come across as manipulative or like you’re playing games, which is a red flag. Some women do this intentionally to make a guy chase them.

Next time, if you’re not in the mood, just stay with “no.” And when you genuinely are ready, then go after him.

For me personally, I don’t mind a little desperation. Sometimes it feels good to know someone really wants me, and I can be understanding about that. Just don’t let it become a pattern. Also, expect some pushback from women here—they may see it as you “giving it away for free,” so take some of their replies with a grain of salt.

August 19

On 8/14/2025 at 11:53 PM, Onxy said:

I want to feel desired by guys, and I want affection.

hence all the hook ups that I did because I never got the attention before.

This is a terrible reason to do hookups. You'll just feel worse when the man withdraws emotionally afterwards (case in point: this thread).

Hookups are for people who are very certain that they just want casual sex. People who are able to have hookups without being emotionally torn-up afterwards are doing it purely for physical enjoyment, not because they want attention.

Edited August 19 by Els

August 19

On 8/14/2025 at 11:53 PM, Onxy said:

I don't know...what I want. I want to feel desired by guys, and I want affection

To quote my cousin from many years ago: "see that couch over there? If there was a hole in the arm, some guy would stick his dick into it". The emptiness you're feeling is a reflection of the fact that this is neither desired or affection on his side. You're simply a receptacle to him.

If you want to feel true desire and affection, this is what comes with a good boyfriend

August 20

13 hours ago, longdue said:

I see this a bit differently. From my experience, he’s probably withdrawing. He wanted something, you said you weren’t in the mood (sleepy), but then you acted in a way that suggested otherwise by sending flirty texts. That can come across as manipulative or like you’re playing games, which is a red flag. Some women do this intentionally to make a guy chase them.

Next time, if you’re not in the mood, just stay with “no.” And when you genuinely are ready, then go after him.

For me personally, I don’t mind a little desperation. Sometimes it feels good to know someone really wants me, and I can be understanding about that. Just don’t let it become a pattern. Also, expect some pushback from women here—they may see it as you “giving it away for free,” so take some of their replies with a grain of salt.

But I didn't tell him that I wasn't in the mood, I was legit sleepy at 1 o'clock in the morning. I mean, driving during a weekday at that time? If he would have reached out at like 11pm, I would have gone. I DID offer him a later time the next day to come over at noon, he said he had a bunch of meetings then he went out of town with his buddies.

Withdrawing from what? How are flirty texts manipulative? Of course I want the guy to chase me, not me sending several texts with no response.

August 20

@Onxy I've worked out why I was making the sex worker analogy: It's because he wanted you to go and give him oral. His request was about what you could do for him and nothing about you or mutual pleasure. So, it was basically a service request.

August 20

3 hours ago, Onxy said:

Of course I want the guy to chase me, not me sending several texts with no respons

And have you now learned not to do this again?

August 20

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

To quote my cousin from many years ago: "see that couch over there? If there was a hole in the arm, some guy would stick his dick into it". The emptiness you're feeling is a reflection of the fact that this is neither desired or affection on his side. You're simply a receptacle to him.

If you want to feel true desire and affection, this is what comes with a good boyfriend

I can't get a boyfriend, its not as easy.

August 20

26 minutes ago, Onxy said:

I can't get a boyfriend, it’s not as easy.

Maybe not, but surely you’re making it even harder by hoping to acquire a boyfriend via hookups?

The chance of a guy you met for casual sex on a hookup app becoming your boyfriend is much lower than if you just go on dates with guys and see if some of them might turn into something more serious.

Edited August 20 by Gebidozo

August 20

13 hours ago, Onxy said:

If he would have reached out at like 11pm, I would have gone.

Yikes. I mean, for the record, I completely disagree with the person you are quoting, but still, yikes.

You would drive to a "hookup's" place at 11pm to give them oral and then drive back home? That's... insane. Sorry to say this, but it reeks of desperation and "please like me". People don't even do that for a long-term partner (although to be fair, that's also partly because a decent long-term partner would never ask for that, and non-decent people don't usually make it into the long-term category).

Anyone with reasonable self-esteem would have laughed in his virtual face, regardless of whether it was 11pm or 1am. They'd probably also block him.

I strongly suggest that you work on these self-esteem issues with a therapist, and stop having sex with people until you are able to have a better view of your self-worth.

13 hours ago, Onxy said:

Withdrawing from what? How are flirty texts manipulative? Of course I want the guy to chase me, not me sending several texts with no response.

Girl, nobody chases a hookup. Have you ever considered that maybe you're not ready to be having sex, let alone casual sex?

Edited August 20 by Els

August 20

8 hours ago, Onxy said:

I can't get a boyfriend, its not as easy.

With the way you went about meeting this guy, you put yourself straight into the hookup category, so you did this to yourself. No woman who want a boyfriend will say "first date at your place"

Was this guy advertising for a girlfriend or casual sex?

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Did this guy dump me because I didn’t go over to his place at 1am to give him oral even after I told him he should let me know when he is free?

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